I’ll admit when I’ve been had. Joe Millionaire had me. I tuned in, expecting to see Sarah throwing a fit and Zora trying to hide her enormous rack, and instead, we got a “clip show!”

That most hated of all TV episodes, the re-run that’s not a re-run.

The only newsworthy thing in the whole show was Paul “I’m not the crocodile guy” Hogan telling us that some of the rumors about the show are true.

Which ones?

– That Evan is really wealthy, pretending to be a poor schmoe who’s pretending to be wealthy. Huh?
– That Fox is going to give the woman he chooses $1 million and she can pick him or dump him.
– That one of the women on the show was a millionaire and that Evan may or may not have launched her.
– That Evan is the dumbest man in America (confirmed every Monday for the past six weeks.)

So now we have to wait until next Monday and sit through a two hour show to boot?

I just want Evan to explain how he could have booted Katy in the first show?

I’d have picked her straight through. But that’s me.

One benefit of a “clip show” last night though was a second look at Melissa M. and Sarah in the hot tub. Hello!

Tyson Chandler won’t start tonight’s Bulls game because he missed his flight out of Atlanta yesterday. Let’s get this straight. He’s flying from the world’s second busiest airport to the busiest and he couldn’t find an alternate flight? Something tells me that when Tyson finishes his playing career he’s not going to become a vice president at Travelocity.com.

Cubs players are trickling into camp in Mesa. Pitchers and catchers are required to report at the end of the week. A lot is being made of this spring being the time when stricter immigration and visa laws will mean we’ll find out the real ages of guys like Sammy Sosa, Vladimir Guererro, Orlando Hernandez, etc. But from all accounts, Sammy’s new mansion in Miami has helped him establish enough residency so that he does not need to enter the country every time on a visa. So if he’s 34, 38 or 54, we’ll probably never know. The only numbers I care about with Sammy are .320, 60, 135.

And, a lot will be made in a couple of weeks when he shows up “late” again. This is just a typical Chicago-non-story-story. Sammy always comes in before the mandatory report date set through the collective bargaining agreement. He always comes in before the first games are played, so fans don’t get screwed by not seeing him. He always comes in, in shape and ready to go. In fact, last year he hit nine of the first 15 batting practice pitches thrown to him for homers. So shut up!

The reason Sammy comes in last is so that the media can make a big deal out of his arrival. He’ll come in, yell, “You miss me?” Hug everybody and find some hapless, new white guy to hug and say, “I don’t know who you are, but welcome to the Cubs!” It’s like death and taxes. So get over it.

If the Cubs start out 8-20 again, it won’t be because Sammy showed on the 25th instead of the 19th.

Would you rather have Sammy stroll in a couple days late or have Frank Thomas refuse to do a drill and go home for two days instead?

Enough, already. Let’s Dose!

John Mullin is on crack. In one sentence he writes that the Browns would only trade Tim Couch for a package including Brian Urlacher. Then about four paragraphs later he says Couch can be had for a mid-round draft pick. So which is it, Johnny? The best defensive player in the NFC, or a chance to draft Fred Russell?

Rick Neuheisel didn’t like the Niners assortment of sweater vests, so Greg Blache is still in the running. Oh please, oh please, oh please, hire this moron!

Bill Cartwright is finally going to bench Trenton Hassell. Finally. Guess who gets to start?

Da plane! Da plane!

How could Tyson have missed this?

Mike Davis is hoping for big things. A .500 record in the Big Ten for one. Otherwise it’s first round NIT game in Assembly Hall…

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to confirm he’s a complete loser.

The Shooter is back and better than ever. Or something. He’s just not as furry this time around.

Steve Stone says that Cubs’ starters will determine the early fate of the team (that’s good). And he says he and Chip will be more critical (that’s partly good). It’d be better if the sentence were, “I’m going to be critical, Chip’s going to be doing AA games in West Tennessee.”

The mighty fighting Huskies of NIU are back off the mat after an early season nosedive. Just tuck this away for your March Madness pools. Trust me. When have I ever let you down?

Let’s not get into that.

Sure, a 7 a.m. practice doesn’t sound to bad to us working stiffs. But think back to college. Waking up at seven on a Saturday is at least five hours too early.

Sports Guy phones in this All-Star Game diary. Not his best work. And anybody who refers to their pets as their children? Make it stop.

The Steelers are going to release Kordell Stewart and the Bears are interested. Right now they have interest in Tim Couch and Kordell Stewart. Kordell is best known for crying during a game. Tim for crying in a post-game interview because he got booed. This ought to toughen up the Bears image, huh?

Flannel Boy says that Washington DC will get a team just as soon as MLB pays off Orioles owner Peter Angelos for letting them in his territory. Gene’s favorite elementary grammar student argues that DC is just as capable of supporting two teams as the Bay Area and Chicago are. Has Rob ever seen the empty seats in Oakland and on the South Side?

An Ohio Valley game ended three on four after 19 players were ejected for fighting and one more fouled out. I think they should let the mascots play when it’s four-on-four, don’t you?

Andy Katz is giving Marquette way too much credit. They’re good. But they’re not that good.

Peter King thinks Brian Griese is perfect for Chicago. Yeah, he can car pool with Bryan Robinson!

EW with their top five Oscar surprises.

EW thinks Sarah will beat Zora. I think they’re right.

I think Al Sharpton fits right in, in Des Moines.

Eminem is up for an Oscar! No, it’s not for that Brittany Murphy licking her hand and sticking it in his pants scene in Eight Mile but it should be.

Some twit in Minneapolis thinks we should care what stars think about politics. Oh, shut up. I think she compared Susan Sarandon to Jesus Christ. As we both know, neither of them could hit a curve ball…

The world’s greatest newspaper is running a correction. How can you correct made up news?