Those of you who frequent our dear Web site know that when a team wins two of three it’s a Meat Loaf. As in, “two out of three ain’t bad.”
Going into the weekend, we’d have auctioned off our first borns if we could have been guaranteed that the Cubs would win two of the three games in Florida. That occurence would mean that the Marlins would have to beat The Franchise in game six and Kerry Wood in game seven to win the series.
That’s exactly what happened. The Cubs won a thriller in game three, then a laugher in game four. They were up three games to one and we all started to get misty eyed thinking of a World Series.
Then, yesterday the Cubs went out and got slapped by Josh Beckett and that sinking feeling returned.
Snap out of it!
Winning that fifth game in Florida would have been great. But it was pretty unlikely. The way things are set up now could not be any better for the Cubs. They come home, where this really just had to happen, needing a win and look who’s taking the ball for game six. Relax, breathe normally. It’s going to be fun. It’s going to be more fun than we’ve ever had before.
Honest.
I’m not kidding.
Besides, they wouldn’t be a Chicago sports team if they didn’t make you suffer a little bit before the big pay off.
OK, I know we’ve been suffering for decades, but you know what I mean.
These aren’t the ’69 Cubs. These aren’t the ’84 Cubs. There’s no collapse in these guys.
You have two days to get ready. Practice jumping up and down like a moron in your living room. Find a nice, safe spot so you don’t break anything valuable. Add all of your Cardinals fans friends and relatives to your speed dial so you can give them a ring and ask them when the last time they won a pennant was. Find the quickest route to a trailer park so you can drive by and honk at some Sox fans. Tuesday’s the night it all happens. Tuesday is the night we all have to go find something to pine for, because a pennant will be scratched off the list.
Personally, I think I’ll pine for this:
I know, I know, I can’t figure it out either, but I’ve suddenly developed a crush on former Xena star, and current star of the CBS show “Cold Case” Kathryn Morris. Must be something about my habitual wanderlust for spunky girls.
Anyway, intrepid reader David Bohnenkamp has a homework assignment for all of us, and it’s a good one.
For years, Al Hrabosky and all the smug Cardinal fans have recited a list of things that have happened or have been invented since the Cubs last won a World Series in 1908 or were in a World Series in 1945. They think it’s cute and love to run it into the ground.
So, with the Cubs on the cusp of a World Series, I think it’s time to think about compiling a list of the things that have happened/been invented since their last World Series appearance 1987. Please contribute your most creative and funny ideas to this site and I’ll compose a list of the best suggestions and send them to the Mad Hungarian (after the Cubs win the NLCS, of course).
I would think if we’re going to gear the list towards things that would interest Cardinals fans it should include things like:
– Gay marriage now legal in Vermont and Hawai’i.
– Al Hrabosky has changed “hair systems” three times.
– This guy went to school for some learnin’ and it worked!
– The Berlin wall fell down and with it, Al’s favorite gloryhole disappeared.
– Two guys named Bush have been elected president and another found it a handy place to keep his cigars.
– Adult diapers no longer need safety pins (good news and just in time for you, Al!)
– Tony LaRussa has won as many pennants with the Cardinals as Mike Jorgensen.
– Busch Stadium still smells like a CTA urinal.
– Jim Tocco has been laid. OK, not really.
– In 1987 median number of teeth in the average Missouri household — 14, in 2003, 14.2!
– In 1987 Albert Pujols’ age — 47, in 2003, 22!
Your contributions will be appreciated. Post them in the discussion area below, or e-mail to me at andy@desipio.com
—
The Cubs couldn’t hit Josh Beckett. Oh, and Sammy’s “mound charge” was really just him stumbling as he tried to get his balance. He was mad, but tHom Brennaman made it sound like he was going to do a Don Zimmer bum rush on Beckett. But then, tHom and reality are seldom in the same room at the same time.
The Cubs needed to win one game in Florida and they won two. So why’s everybody all puckered up?
The DR loves the Cubs.
Mike Downey babbles his way though this half-witted effort.
Rick Morrissey remains the voice of reason. How sad is that?
Rosey with a tepid effort, he even repeats the same, lame Sammy joke twice.
Mariotti puts the doughnut for another pointless, rambling missive. Honest to god, why does anyone pay him to write this crap?
Boston College is off to the ACC and likely off the Notre Dame schedule. I wish I could say I’d miss the little Jesuit punks.
The Wizard of Roz says we have nothing to fear.
A good look at pill popping Rush Limbaugh.
El Pulpo the cow!
The man who burned Adolf Hitler’s body is dead. Really.
The world’s greatest newspaper says that the world’s fattest couple has the world’s fattest baby. Well, that makes sense.
Hey big boy, you gonna "Cubbie-up" for me Tuesday night?
Catherine, could you have found a bigger photo to post?
Yikes.
OK, that’s more like it. My those…uh…teeth sure are impressive.
Lots of stuff has happened since I went away.
1. Michael Jackson has had two kids. Yikes.
2. Liza Minelli was lesbian then married now lesbian again.
3. Two NFL franchises have been dumb enough to hire Dave Wannstedt.
4. The Rams moved to St. Louis from LA and won a championship. Meanwhile the Cardinals have stayed in town and not won anything.
5. Pamela Anderson has had three boob jobs, hepatitis, two kids and a best selling amateur porn video.
6. Pauly Shore’s career has come and gone.
7. Alf was hot then, he’s hot again! OK, not that hot.
8. The Internet was invented.
9. Desipio.com came and brought joy to our otherwise miserable lives.
10. In 1987, Mark McGwire had full sized testicles. Now…not so much.
11. Saved By The Bell came and went.
Oh, there’s more…
Well, it may not be the Catherine Bell picture that my work firewall is blocking out (stupid work), but to make the hair on the back of your neck stand up go to http://www.powermaxconsulting.com/harrycaray.htm and listen to the clips at the bottom.
I’m glad that series is over and we won’t have to face Kerry Wood again.
I hope Don Zimmer gets hit in the head and we never see him again.
Bring it on, Kline you puss!
WHAT THE HELL!!!!!
http://www.suntimes.com/output/cubs/spx-news-kiley13.html
Because I’m bored at work. Hottest newscaster in Chicago?
Diann Burns?
Kim Vatis?
Tammie Souza?
Zoraida Sambolin
Kathy Brock?
Couldn’t find any WGNer’s pics.
Chippy my darling,
If you were doing the pregame show on WGN-TV, who would be around to loofa my stretch marks?
You’ve been a bad, bad boy, your ankles. Oh, and face the TV, I want to get a good look at this Randy Salerno fella.
Hey, what about me?
Ah ha! Found them. Add the above Ms. Payne and
Jackie Bange
Ahh, I have a good Jackie Bange story.
She was at Channel 5 when I was in college and a bunch of us went to a Jerry Springer Show taping (we weren’t ON the show, mind you) and as we got off the elevator in the lobby after the show, it was just me and my three idiot buddies and two janitors. The doors opened and the first thing you saw was a big color photo of Jackie Bange. So I said, "Hey look, Jackie Bang Me." Granted, it wasn’t that funny, except that the janitors thought it was hilarious. They were laughing and repeating it and as we got off the elevator and turned the corner they were saying it again. Guess who they almost literally ran into?
A not so pleased Jackie Bange. Allison Rosati was with her and I’ve always had a little thing for Allison. I don’t know if Jackie had the "pull" to get janitors fired as an assignment reporter back then, but if she did, she would ahve.
She’ll always be "Jackie Bang Me" to me. And she’s freakin’ gorgeous in person.
Oh, by the way, that was before Allison Rosati had her kids and put on about 30. Keep that in mind.
I also remember the day that Joan Esposito was doing a live shot at Taste of Chicago and the guy standing next to my girlfriend starting yelling, "Hey Joan, does Horace ever come by to see his kid?"
Class.
And if you never heard the Joan Espostio got knocked up by Horace Grant and when the mulatto baby was born her husband committed suicide rumor, you have now.
This is such a shitty poll. I can’t decide between Jackie Bange, Kathy Brock, Zoraida Sambolin and Kim Vatis. I mean, you really can’t go wrong with any of them. I feel like Jim Edmunds in a pet shop.
And that’s the first time I’ve heard of the Grant/Esposito rumor. That’s why I come to Desipio, the breaking news.
Hands down, Anna Davlantes (sp?) is the hottest in Chicago.
I heard about the Horace Esposito saga–isn’t how those 2 retards at B96 lost their jobs?–but what was it I thought I saw a few weeks ago about Santo breaking tHom’s jaw? Any truth to that one?
Dateline – St. Louis.
Fireworks today in the Preliminary Hearing for the Sexual Assault charges against Jim Edmonds. Prosecutors were outraged over Edmond’s defense attorney mentioning the victim’s name in open court several times in violation of Missouri Shield laws. “He just blurted out Edgar’s….uh… I mean the alleged victim’s name. And, as many times as it happened you can’t call it accidental.â€
Cardinal’s trainer, Barry Weinberg, provided graphic detail during his testimony for the prosecution. “I found him in the shower. He was on his knees and said he was having a lot of pain from back spasms. I asked him, ‘Well, Ed…er…I mean, Well, alleged victim, what’s up with this condom?’ He said he always takes one with him in the shower in order to keep his cigarettes dry. So then I say ‘Well, that’s no cigarette butt.†You get it? I mean, the thing was actually stuck in his butt! Oh, I kill me.â€
“So he’s in pain, but I wasn’t going to touch it. I threw a couple of towels over him and get some of the other players….er…I mean other innocent bystanding Cardinal employees to carry him into the training room. Once I got him in and put on my rubber gloves, I bent him over the trainer’s table and snapped it out of there.â€
The sheriff who responded to the scene after Weinberg’s discovery testified that the alleged victim was uncooperative during the interview, but that physical evidence supported the assault theory. Edmond’s attorney, Dewey Screwem, poked at the sheriff’s account with a series of probing and pointed questions. Screwem: “So, you didn’t actually see any bruises, signs of trauma, or evidence of any force on the alleged victim?†Sheriff: “With a tone like Edgar’s….um….I mean the alleged victim, sometimes bruises aren’t as easy to see. But, he could no more sit still than Don Zimmer in that hemorrhoid commercial. In my years on the job I’ve seen my share of sodomy, and there was no doubt in my mind what his problem was.â€
Screwem then opened a line of questioning that shocked and outraged the entire courtroom, “So, are you telling me that it’s not possible that the alleged victim could have gotten that injury as a result of some horseplay the insiders in the Cardinals locker room refer to as the ‘6-4-3’?â€
Acting immediately upon the objection by the prosecution, the judge adjourned the hearing and ruled that the continuation of the preliminary hearing would take place behind closed doors. Courthouse insiders have indicated that the alleged victim will likely be requested to attend that closed door session, as the judge would like clarification on the victim’s unwillingness to cooperate and might consider dropping the charges.
Edmonds didn’t comment specifically on the proceedings but did express concern over a possible long wait before the hearing resumes, “Getting a visa to enter the country from Columbia is no easy thing these days. I might be stuck here for awhile, and I miss my dog.â€
I know how to open up that door. All I need is some room service and a chair….
Let me set the record straight once and for all. Though I missed a few weeks of one season during my time in Chicago, it was not because Ron Santo punched me in the face during an argument. I said then, and I’ll say again that I slipped in a hotel bathroom and hit my jaw on the sink. That’s how I broke my jaw.
It wasn’t an angry Santo, it wasn’t an angry tranny hooker, and it certainly wasn’t a bouncer who got tired of me begging him to frisk me.
I FELL DOWN IN THE BATHROOM! For christ sakes you believe Edgar Renteria’s flimsy back spasms story and not mine!
This IS why I hate the Cubs!
I hope you choke this week and I’ll be laughing all the way!
Go Marlins!
I for one, don’t believe that Joan had Horace’s baby (if it were Scottie, that’d be another story). But that rumor was pretty well repeated. That doesn’t make it right.
It is pretty vicious though. And really, if somebody’s going to start a rumor, it might as well be a vicious rumor.
And, I fell down the stairs, too!
In 1987, we all thought Prince was the freak and Michael Jackson was the normal one.
You mean Chip Caray has only one more year on his contract? THANK YOU GOD!!!
Bad news for those people that like my thoughts here on Desipio, I’m probably not going to be on here at the start of the game tomorrow. But I will definitely be here for most of the game.
And, oh, Thom broke his jaw when Marty punched him when Thom was nine. It is a recurring injury Thom gets anytime he sleeps on his chin weird… :-)
Who coined the phrase "Anti-Cubs"? I used it on Around the Horn Monday like I made it up myself.
Hey Morris, leave me out of this.
The puritanism of Christianity has played havoc with the moderation that an enlightened and tolerant critical spirit would have produced. I’ve noticed that in whatever country, county, town, or other region there is a regulation enjoining temperance, the population seems to be entirely composed of teetotallers and drunkards. There’s a Bible on that shelf there. But I keep it next to Voltaire – poison and antidote. by texas holdem