There are times, when I honestly wonder if I’m bright enough to remember to breathe on my own. This week has one of those times. Here we are in the midst of Super Bowl week, and I’m fresh off a week with the blue stained masses at the Cubs Convention and what do I do?

I get a hair up my hiney to switch web server providers and redo the site.

So, before we get to the Dose, here’s a little update.

Sometime in the very near future we’re going to change servers. The new one is cheaper, faster and more reliable, kind of like going from Fred McGriff to Hee Seop Choi.

What will this mean to you? Nothing. You’ll still come to the same address and read the same, tired crap. But it should all but eliminate our down time and weird things like some of the photos not loading will be gone.

The cool part is that we’re going to run the site on a different platform (tech word) and you’ll be able to post comments and discussions after every entry. If you ever visit Baseball-Primer.com you’ll be familiar with the concept. It’ll be fun. Once I can get the damn thing to work. And so that’s why you didn’t get a Dose on Wednesday or Thursday. Anyway, those changes will be coming soon. One you won’t notice and one you will.

OK. We’ve got that out of the way.

Over the past couple of nights the VCR and TiVo have been busy bringing reality TV crap to me, so I can snark on them for you.

So let’s dig in:

Real World: Las Vegas — The gang is still in Australia, far away from the casa du skank. Irulan is upset that Alton is flirting with other women. Irulan, it should be remembered has a boyfriend named Gabe. So frankly, Irulan needs to shut the hell up.

Irulan is upset that Alton decided to room with the guys instead of her. She thinks it’s because he’s going to try and “hook up” with women in Australia. Uh, yeah! Duh.

I found this episode to be tiresome and found myself yelling, “Shut up, Irulan!” with about as much frequency as I yell “Shut up, Hub!” during the Bears season. Note to Irulan: Not a good thing.

So we’ll cut to the chase. Arissa loves Australia and is finally in a good mood. She’s also topless for most of the episode. Not that exciting, however. What’s the line from that bad John Candy-Ally Sheedy movie about the guy who works as an undertaker, “She’s built like a twelve year old boy!”? Yeah, it was like that.

Alton was working it in Australia and in one surreal scene we see him stumbling back to his cabana and saying to Steve, “I just had my first threesome in Australia.”

Then, he and Irulan have one of their talks. These talks consist of Irulan talking and Alton agreeing with her until they start making out. This time they apparently actually had sex.

This makes Trishelle mad (hello–pot meet kettle) because Alton has told Irulan he loves her but he keeps “hooking up” (I now hate that term, officially) with other women. Let’s make an important point here–Irulan has a boyfriend!

They finally go back to the United States and amazingly, customs lets them back in the country. These seven people are a definite biohazard. Oh, well.

Irulan and Alton go down to one of the clubs in the Palms casino and sure enough, Alton starts getting phone numbers from other girls. Let’s make an important point here–Irulan has a boyfriend!

Irulan gets mad and starts swearing and storms out of the club. We then see her lying on the bed with Arissa and Brynn trying to console her, but she’s literally throwing a crying fit and threatening to go home. She’s mad at Alton.

Let’s make an important point here–Irulan has a boyfriend!

Alton comes in, Irulan is mad and tells him she’s going home. He basically tells her that if she wants to be a wuss and leave…fine.

What does Irulan want, really? She wants to have sex with Alton whenever she wants, except when Gabe, the erstwhile boyfriend is in town. But she doesn’t want Alton to even talk to other women. Nice.

Let’s make an important point here–Irulan has a boyfriend!

Seems like she could break up with monosyllabic Gabe and actually date Alton. Oh, that would be too easy.

In scenes from next week we see her packing, yelling at Alton, throwing ice at Alton, throwing a glass at Alton and kicking him. Maybe Brynn will show up to toss a fork at him, too.

The Osbournes — By far the best scene in this one was an extended one that included Ozzy showing off the cool TV he and Sharon have in the bedroom that actually comes out of a large dresser, spins around and then turns on. So you can hide it. Cool. But while Sharon was showing us how it worked, it broke. Oops. Then, Kelly starts stomping around the house like a four year old saying she doesn’t want to be a rock star anymore. Uh…Kelly…you’re not. Don’t worry. She doesn’t want to go to New York and is literally screaming. Sharon tells Ozzy to go comfort her. He does. He walks into her room and closes the door. You can hear her screaming like she’s being molested by a herd of amorous hyenas. Ozzy opens the door and literally runs into the hall to escape her. Great TV, there.

Another fine scene was one in which Melinda(?) the nanny and Kelly were watching Annie on TV and both started singing, Tomorrow. The nanny has a much nicer voice than pseudo-rock star, Kelly. That’s twice this year that Kelly’s been outsung by a pedestrian. Nice.

Ed — Because Ed is a nice, happy, innocent type show. This was the plot of Wednesday’s episode. Carol is asked by her editor at the world renowned “Stuckeyville Progress” to review a restaurant. The guy who owns the restaurant did mean things to Molly in high school. Carol, Ed, cute little Frankie and Molly go to the restaurant. The owner comes over, hits on Carol and then smarms away. Carol writes a scathing review. The very next day the guy sues her for “ruining his business”. Ed and Frankie take the case. Molly testifies that in high school, the creepy owner guy was mean to her. He gave her love notes and then embarrassed her while people hid in the bushes. Carol takes the stands and is forced to admit she was one of the people in the bushes. Oops! Ed wins the case. Carol and Molly hug. Carol finds out that Molly is in love with Biff from the Back to the Future movies (not making this up–he played a nerdy kid’s dad in this episode). Phil wears a suit of meat and is not eaten by domestic dogs.

OK, now what would the show have been like had it been on Fox and not NBC?

Carol is asked by her editor at the world renowned “Stuckeyville Progress” to review a restaurant. The who owns the restaurant did mean things to Molly in high school. Carol, Ed, cute little Frankie and Molly go to the restaurant. The owner comes over, hits on Carol and then smarms away. Carol writes a scathing review. The very next day the guy sues her for ruining his business. Ed and Frankie take the case. Molly testifies that in high school, the creepy owner guy was mean to her. He gave her love notes and then embarassed her by asking her to meet him on the playground, only when she arrived a hot, blonde girl was fellating him on the monkey bars. And, we’d have actual footage of the fellating. Carol takes the stands and is forced to admit she was the one giving creepy owner guy the beej. Oops! Ed wins the case. Carol and Molly hug, and then kiss. Carol finds out that Molly is in love with Biff from the Back to the Future movies (not making this up–he played a nerdy kid’s dad in this episode.) Phil wears a suit of meat and is mauled to death by wild dogs on a very special episode of Man versus Beast!

One other problem with this episode. How could the restaurant owner sue for loss of business the day after the review was published. Wouldn’t any court in the world force him to prove over a span of time that his business decreased as a direct result of the review? And journalistic criticism is not held to the same standards as a bona fide news report in the first place. Oh, well.

Oh, and the Frankie loves Ed signals are so subtle that they can actually be seen from space.

The Bachelorette– I wanted to like Charlie, I really did. Even though he’s got weird, curly, balding (check out how carefully combed it is in the back) greasy hair, he seemed like a cool guy. But he’s an evil, awful punk. Not as bad as Russ, but close.

Trista is also dumb as a post. She proves this weekly by not launching creepy Russ.

Jamie the basketball stud turned out to be a complete wuss. Goodbye!

Rob, the guy who wouldn’t even comb his hair is just weird. See ya.

I actually found myself rooting for chubby, annoying Bob. Last week’s Sports Illustrated claimed that Bob played quarterback at Michigan State for four years but never found the field. It’s called being a scout team walk on. Big whup.

Charlie and sensitive poet Ryan each got individual dates with Trista, and Russ may have too, but I was watching Ed. Charlie got to cruise around in a sports car which apparently he uses to compensate for a complete lack of penile prowess. Charlie doesn’t want Trista to have sex with anybody but him. What a Neanderthal. She’s on the ultimate slut show of the century! What do you think she’s going to do. Guh.

Ryan and Trista went to Sea World and Trista kissed a dolphin. That’s not a euphemism for anything. Trista also looked loverly in her wet suit. Yowsa. At the end, Ryan gave her a poem, she kissed him and he gave her a stuffed Shamu. Again, not a euphemism.

Then, Trista took the other losers on a big, group date. They went go cart racing and had a party on the beach. She might as well have handed them the home version of the game. Buh-bye!

The big rose ceremony came and she picked Charlie, Ryan, Russ and Greg. Greg? Who’s Greg? The guy with song? And the creepy eyes? Whatever.

This show is going nowhere. But I’m stuck. I have to watch. Oh, well.

Celebrity Mole: Hawaii — Speaking of train wrecks. I was doing my ironing during this show and actually said to Dave the football prognosticating cat (as he attacked the cord on the iron — over and over and over and over again) that if Corbin Bernsen gets voted off tonight, this show is completely screwed. You know that if Corbin leaves your show and it’s over, you’ve got a bad show.

In the end. Corbin got launched. In a completely horrible scenario for ABC, the two goofiest, most fun and most entertaining contestants ever…Steven Baldwin and Corbin have lost the last two weeks. Oops! Corbin even said, as he crawled into his limo, “Well, I hope the ratings dive for the next three weeks.” They will, Corbin.

And by the way, I am now more positive than ever than Euro hottie Frederique is the mole.

American Idol — I have no plans to watch this anymore, but I did watch the two hour premiere, because I knew I’d love Simon ripping on the truly horrible singers. I was not disappointed. I love this guy. He’s me, with a British accent and a penchant for dressing like a guy going to gay dance club. Other than that. We’re twins!

However, he told at least four people that they were the worst singers ever.

My favorite ones were the ones who a) danced while they sang, b) forgot the words, c) got mad when Simon told them they sucked. No wonder people love this show.

What I want to see is for HBO and NFL Films to hire Simon to work for whatever team agrees to be on Hard Knocks this year. I want to hear him be the guy who cuts the players. No more of this Brian Billick-Jerry Jones psychobabble. I want Simon to tell some washed up has been like Chris Chandler, “No. We’re not taking you to Chicago with us. Are you concussed right now? Because you’re playing like it. And, you’re drooling on yourself.”

Or cutting a rookie, “Did you tackle anybody in training camp? I mean, the only person you hit was the hooker you beat up when you found out she was a tranny.”

This has to happen.

Sunday night is, of course, the premiere of the Jimmy Kimmel show on ABC. Jimmy Kimmel Live isn’t going to scare Letterman or Leno or even Conan, but it should scare the pants off of humorless, talentless, scumbag Craig Kilborn. In most markets the second half of Jimmy will be up against the first half of Craiggers. If Jimmy can’t slaughter Craig, the show won’t last a month.

But I think the show will last. I think that for these reasons:

1) Jimmy’s funny, and personable. You like him. He’s one of us.
2) Jimmy’s got a big nose, he’s balding and he’s fat. When the female guests flirt with him, it’ll make us all feel good!
3) The show is live. Filmed at 9:00 p.m. in LA every weeknight. That means drunken movie stars, and that’s always a good time. Unless it’s the reunion show for Cheers. Then it’s just hard to watch.

We’re not going to do a live Super Bowl game cast, but I will keep a running diary during the game, and on Monday we’ll relive it all. So you’ve got that going for you. Which is nice. I love the gamecasts, but this Super Bowl I want to enjoy on the couch while being fanned by a dozen geishas. Or something.

But, I will make a prediction. Actually a few predictions:

If Tampa Bay gets a lead at any time after the first quarter, they’re going to win the Super Bowl.
If Oakland runs the ball fewer than 20 times they won’t win the Super Bowl.
Mike Alstott will fumble.
John Madden will cal Al Michaels “Pat” at least twice.
Chris Berman will wear out his welcome on your TV by 2:30 p.m.
Charles Woodson will be buried in a blizzard of penalty flags.
Steve Young will wax nostalgic about “the good old days in Tampa” during the pregame show. Thankfully, he will not be sincere.
Oh, and the halftime show will suck.