Just in case you haven?t visited CBS lately, Survivor starts this week. Which is outstanding timing as they can jump right in and fill the void we?re all about to experience when Joe Millionaire and The Bachelorette conclude. (If only it wasn?t the same freakin? night as Duke at Wake Forest!)

This year rather than get hung up on age, appearance, occupation, or hometown to determine my predictions and rooting interests, I?m looking strictly to the luxury items. Now I can only assume that contestants are precluded from bringing any item that offers any practical use whatsoever. Which means that people should be bringing items for their hygienic, sentimental or recreational value. Absolutely nothing else matters. I?d bring the shaving kit, and I would probably break down and let the cute girls borrow it to hit their legs and pits at least once during the trip. But that?s just the kind of guy I am. Unfortunately this year?s Survivors aren?t nearly as sage.

Which brings us to Christy, who?s luxury item is sage. As in a plant from the mint family. Christy gets grouped in to the ?You brought what?? category this season. Also joining her along with my initial reaction if I was a fellow tribe member:

Alex (Triathalon finisher medal): Triathalon, huh. Dude, you?re doing all of our swimming. And if you cost us any swimming or running challenge you?re gonzo.

Daniel (Magnetic rings): They let a retarded person on the island? Um, my bad? They let a mentally challenged person on the island?

Deena (Water balloons): You must have a smart-aleck kid that swiped out your real intended luxury item at the last minute, and now you?re about to have a good laugh at your kid?s expense. No? You meant to bring those?

Janet (Teddy bear): Oh, how cute! You must be the sensitive one. I?ve got 10 bucks that says you?re the first to cry and start bitching about how hot/cold/wet/hungry/tired you are.

Jenna (Zeta sorority crown): So are all Zetas as average looking as you, or were you a legacy?

Matthew (High school wrestling jacket): Let me guess, you?re favorite movie is Vision Quest, and now you?re really wishing you?d have brought your singlet and headgear instead.

But I wouldn?t really say any of that crap, not out loud anyway. Because everyone knows you can keep your mouth shut, work hard, and compete like you care, and you?re golden for at least 14 days.

Next we?ve got the semi-resourceful group. We?ll call them the ?Kumbaya-ers?. That?s because their items can be enjoyed by everyone. Dave brought a sketchbook and pencil, which at least once I?d look at and say aloud, “Dude, Joanna?s not that fat!”. Even if he hadn?t actually drawn Joanna, see she wouldn?t necessarily know that—get it? Heidi brought a guitar, and unless she?s Sheryl Crow or Michele Branch I?d bet it would mysteriously disappear for days at a time if I was around. And then we?ve got Jeanne. I?ll bet of all her friends, she?ll tell you she?s ?the sexy, wild one??. And just to make sure everyone knows, she brought the massage oil. Cuz really there?s nothing sexier than oiling up somebody that hasn?t had a shower or brushed their teeth for a couple of weeks.

Then we?ve got the sentimental group, who just couldn?t bear to leave home without a memory from home or their past. Joanna?s got a pic of mom, Butch has a banner from the middle school he teaches at, and Roger?s got his dog tags. Actually, I?m not sure that Roger belongs in this batch—–but what the hell?. None of these three are going to win because they don?t have their eyes focused solely on the prize.

Finally, we?ve got the bright ones. Ryan brought a bat and ball (which sounds like two luxury items) and Shawna brought a soccer ball. The only risk here is that you have to be awfully careful to separate work and play. Because if there?s water to be fetched, or shelter to be built, and somebody catches you horsin? around then you?re probably on their short list at tribal council.

But my favorite for this season is in a category all of his own. His name?s Rob, but don?t worry he spells it with just one ?B?, unlike the skater boi from last season. Rob brought a Magic 8 ball. Which is not only a great way to counter hours of boredom for the entire tribe, but it can also help guide the way as a bonus tribe member. It can break ties ?Without a doubt?, it can predict the future ?Outlook not so good? and it can help guide every decision that Rob makes. Brilliant. But it?s not just the 8-ball that I like.

Rob wrote his senior thesis on “The Impact of Reality Television” and among his greatest accomplishments he lists driving 21 straight hours with a couple of his Sigma Chi brothers to hit Mardi Gras. This is most definitely our kind of guy, and I hope you?ll all join me in endorsing him and rooting him on to victory.

But even more important than the winner of course, is the real reason I?ll tune in week after week. I?m guessing for Andy it?ll be Jenna, for me it?ll be Heidi. And not just because she lives in Jefferson City, MO., which is only like 3 hours away from yours truly. And not because she?s also one of the bright ones, and decided to bring a jump rope as her luxury item. And definitely not because she?s single, or because she likes Carolina basketball. Actually I don?t know why it is, you can?t explain these kinds of things. But she is currently a P.E. teacher, and is finishing her nursing degree. And she used to work as a sales rep. for a lingerie company. And when you add that all up you?ve go quite a killer hot teacher, sexy nurse, and Victoria?s Secret combo goin? on.

You know what else starts this week? NECKAR, I mean NASCAR of course. I had no idea but there?s apparently one literate NASCAR fan that not only owns a computer, and has an internet connection, but also visits Desipio.

In one of the many high-browed, intelligent discussions from this week he offered the following defense of the ?sport? of auto racing:

Posted by Desipio Fan
Nascar, not a sport eh? Hmmm, last time I checked, none of you went 3 1/2 hours going at speeds of 200+ miles an hour, racing 2 ft. from another car. While also watching the temp. and fuel gauges, tire wear & pressure, car damage, not to mention steering an automobile that can exceed 4 G’s. Hmmm, not a sport eh? Guess I’ll go watch pro cheerleading then. Here there’s a real squad in Delaware.

Now as I am sometimes prone to do, I?ll have to take this poster to task. Let?s take it line-by-line.

“Last time I checked, none of you went 3 1/2 hours going at speeds of 200+ miles an hour, racing 2 ft. from another car.” Unless D.F. works for the highway patrol, I seriously doubt he was able to check the landspeeds and driving tendencies of any of us. If he did he?d know that I?m like Sammy Hagar and can?t drive 55. Besides that?s just a ridiculous statement. And since when does owning the same ?athletic? prowess of the athletes for which we root for or follow make any damn bit of difference? Think Marv Albert can fake the funk on a nasty dunk? Think Bob Costas would have any more success in a batter?s box as say Eddie Gaedell? Think I could shoot free throws more successfully than Jay Williams? O.K., bad example.

“While also watching the temp. and fuel gauges, tire wear & pressure, car damage, not to mention steering an automobile that can exceed 4 G’s.” How does ?one? watch tire wear or exterior car damage. ?One? can?t. Which is why ?one? has a pit crew. And why ?one? has racing teams that are affecting not only their own outcomes but also those of others by drafting, blocking and a bunch of other jargon you probably didn?t think I knew anything about. Which is all to say that it?s much less impressive of a feat than if you?d have us all believe that these guys are Michael Knight or Bo and Luke Duke. And don?t forget I pulled nearly 3 G?s at space camp and lived to tell about it. So I?m basically an expert on high speed navigation.

“Guess I’ll go watch pro cheerleading then.” I don?t like the sarcastic tone of this statement one bit. Rather than sticking to making rational arguments on behalf of his beloved sport of choice, he takes a cheap shot at scantily clad coeds, and I won?t stand for it. Dammit, those girls work hard to ?bring it?, and I?m much more impressed by their athletic abilities displayed by high leg-kicks and backflips than I am some guy sweating his sack off making left turns all day.

The point is this- the ?athletes? of NASCAR are nothing without their sponsors, equipment, pit crews, teammates, ideal track conditions, HANS devices, and family trees. You throw any Jeff, Bobby, Dale, Ricky or Junior in a well-built customized ride and you?ve got yourself a shot at the winner?s circle.

So if you argue that NASCAR is a sport, I?ll agree only if you argue that it?s a team sport, and that the drivers aren?t nearly as athletic as say, your collegiate cheerleader. But if you truly want to know why I think NASCAR is silly it?s because they hold their biggest event (the Daytona 500) at the start of the season rather than at the conclusion. And what ?athlete? drinks milk after a big win? Even the skirts at MSU mix a little Absolut in after a tough day at practice.

By the way, I?ll take Tony Stewart.