Hello again America, it’s your old friend Karry Ling here reporting from the 100th World Series. Or is the 100th Anniversary, meaning there has been 101 of them? I know one of you anal retentive little goofs will post it for me. So thanks in advance.

Anyway, I logged in to the site to send in this column and everything’s white. What the hell? I expected to see Superman’s dad come walking out of the background. I’m not saying I don’t like it, I’m just saying it looks like a very well fed bird took a crap all over my screen.

Wait…I think a well fed bird did take a crap all over my screen.


I am enjoying the hell out of this World Series. I would have loved for the Cubs to have been in it, but really, if they had to lose to somebody I’m glad it was my old pal Jack McKeon. Jack and I go way back. We were at Guadalcanal together.

Not the WWII battle, I mean the old gay bar in Biloxi. We were bartenders there. It’s where I first donned the no shirt and suspenders look. I’m as hetero as Brad Pitt, or Tom Cruise or David Gest, but let me tell you, when a sailor stuffs a fiver down your trousers, you don’t mind. Not one bit.

Last night, the Marlins tied the series at two when Cubs shortstop Alex Gonzalez hit a homer off of former star of TV’s McCloud–Sheriff Sam McCloud himself–Dennis Weaver. I mean really, you know your manager has completely botched it when he has to bring in a 78-year-old actor to pitch. Joe Torre’s had better nights.

I interviewed Alex Gonzalez after his big homer.

Karry Ling: Alex, does this make up for losing game six of the NLCS by botching that grounder?
Alex Gonzalez: I’m not that Alex Gonzalez. I’m the other one.
Karry Ling: Huh?
Alex Gonzalez: You’re thinking of Alex S. Gonzalez, he plays for the Cubs.
Karry Ling: Huh?

See, that was pretty good.

Earlier in the day, I had the good fortune of spending some time with my old buddy Jack McKeon, we hit the early bird special at the Old Country Buffet over in Pompano Beach.

Jack: I tried to get the guys to be more stylish. I mean just about every team wears either black or blue spikes now a days. (Pulls his leg up by grabbing the bottom of his pants leg and sets leg on table) Look at these shoes. White patent leather! Now this is style. How cool would we be if all the guys wore white patent leather loafers on the baseball field. This, Karry, is why I’m still going strong at 65, because I think young.

Karry:I thought you were 72? Hey, these meatballs are great! I can almost chew them.

Jack: When I first took over this team, it was in complete disarray. The guy who managed the team before me..Jeff…uh, oh what was his name? He used to catch for the Dodgers. Steve Yeager? Roy Campanella? Jeff Torborg! Anyway, the batting order was all screwed up. I had a team meeting that first day and I told them that from now on, Tris Speaker is leading off and I don’t care if he likes it or not. And we were moving the big first baseman into the five spot. I mean really, if you can’t score runs with Willie McCovey playing first base, you’ve got problems.

Our big problem was our pitching staff. We called that young kid up from double-A and he did a great job before teams figured out he can’t throw a strike. Plus, we lost a couple great young talents to injuries. I don’t know how many teams could afford to lose both Ryne Duren and Mark Fidrych in one season, but we did it and now we’re in first place. I think we might make the playoffs, Karry. I really do. Hey, you should try this musk melon. Good stuff.

Karry: That’s not musk melon. It’s spinach. Tris Speaker? Willie McCovey? Ryne Duren? Mark Fidrych? Wow. You’ve had too much sun. And Jack, you’re in the playoffs, in fact, you’re in the World Series.

Jack: You know what I love, Karry? Jai Alai. Man is that a fun sport. Ever play?

Karry: Can’t say I have. No.

Jack: It’s fun to bet on. It’s fixed. You know, just like the NBA Finals.

Karry: OK. I think we should probably get to the park, don’t you think, Jack?

Jack: I try not to. Hah! Get it. I try not to think. I’m going to go get some pudding and then we can head to the park. Who’s playing?

I hate it when guys don’t know when to hang them up. But really, as senile as he is, Jack’s a very good manager. OK, maybe nto very good, but he’s not bad. I’ll tell you what he is bad at though. Driving! Wow. You should see him out there on the road. He was driving with his hazard lights on and I asked him why. He said he likes to signal both ways, because he has a hard time deciding whether to turn left or right. I didn’t find that all that comforting.

Tonight’s game is game five and it’s crucial. The Yankees are starting former Gilligan’s Island star Dawn Wells against the Marlins’ dead department store magnate JC Penney. It ought to be a great matchup.

Until next time, America.