One of the biggest innovations in preseason hype is the scouting reports given to us annually by The Sporting News and Sports Illustrated as they preview every major sport. The Sporting News claims to use real scouts and SI says that they talk to opposing coaches to get the real scoop on each team.

At Desipio, we’ve been doing it for a couple of years now, and we know that you enjoy it. So without further delay, here are the scouting reports for the Eastern Conference of the NBA. The West will follow tomorrow.

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division

Boston Celtics
I like the trade of Antoine Walker to Dallas. Raef LaFrentz gives them what they’ve lacked since the days of Brad Lohaus, a big guy who acts like the three second lane is full of land mines. — Vin Baker’s a key for them. If he can play like he did in Milwaukee…yeah, I can’t even say that with a straight face. Never mind. — They’ve got interesting depth at point guard in CBA reject Mike James, rookie Marcus Banks and Jiri Welsch. I mean interesting as in “bad.” — Paul Pierce is a great player, but he might be able to go down to the Y and find guys who can shoot better than what’s on this roster. — You would think that trading for LaFrentz would mean they’re likely to trade Walter McCarty, because really, who needs that kind of depth at ‘tall, skinny guy who shoots too much.’ — Kedrick Brown is a great guy to have, especially if the NBA changes the rules so that tie games are settled with a dunk contest.

Miami Heat
Stan Van Gundy is their coach and I think we all know what that means. It means Pat Riley officially hates this team. — Dwyane Wade was the best player in the draft with a misspelled first name. — They’re going to play Wade at the point, which I think is a good idea. But then again, I thought suede swimming suits would catch on, too. — Sean Lampley is one of the best boxing announcers around…wait, that’s Jim Lampley? Oh, I have no idea who Sean Lampley is. — Their centers are Brian Grant, Samaki Walker, Cherokee Parks and Loren Woods. Feel free to laugh out loud. — Lamar Odom came into the league with a reputation as a talented guy who was a headcase and just good enough to lose big games for you. But that was wrong. He’s actually just good enough to make sure you never actually play in a big game. — Wouldn’t it be funny if Reese Witherspoon married Jerome Beasley? She’d be Reese Beasley. — Nobody makes pancakes as fluffy as Eddie Jones. — Imagine how tough it is on the Van Gundy son’s parents. Who do they root for? And especially, what do they say when people ask them which one of their kids is the “good looking one?”

New Jersey Nets
Granted, I’m not nephrologist, but I’m skeptical that Alonzo Mourning can come back from his kidney disease. — How impressed are you that I knew what a nephrologist was? — I like the move they made in bringing in Zoran Planinic to back up Jason Kidd at the point. I had Planinic once. Micatin cleared it right up. — I wouldn’t say Kenyon Martin’s a dirty player. At least not unless I was under oath. — If you were going to film a remake of the cantina scene from the original “Star Wars” you’d have to start with Kerry Kittles and Aaron Williams, wouldn’t you? — I like to say the name Lucious Harris. I’m saying it right now. — At the very least, playing Martin and Mourning next to each other will give them the most over-emotional and annoying front line in basketball. — Rod Thorn has always struck me as a guy who uses the Flow-bee.

New York Knicks
They’ve got a chance to be a lot better than last year. That chance is fat. — How’d you like to be Scott Layden and have trade bait as attractive as Othella Harrington and Travis Knight? That’s like trying to decide between trying to trade somebody a rash or a boil. — They drafted Mike Sweetney because apparently they didn’t think Clarence Weatherspoon was undersized enough. — Charlie Ward is far and away their best point guard. That tells you all you need to know right there. — Does anybody think Allan Houston is going to miss Latrell Sprewell? I didn’t think so. — Frank Williams made quite an impact last year, didn’t he? Wait, which one is Frank Williams? — Keith Van Horn didn’t like it in Philadelphia because the fans were too mean. Oh, he’s going to love New York, then. — Matt Carroll’s mom makes a mean apple pie.

Orlando Magic
The league wouldn’t give them an injury exemption for Grant Hill. Apparently David Stern said, “Hey, you were dumb enough to give $80 million to a guy with a cast on his foot. Suck it up.” — Tracy McGrady might be the best player in the league. — What would you cough up for a pay-per-view shooting exhibition between Keith Bogans and Donnell Harvey? They’d have to reinforce the backboard for that baby. — Drew Gooden played really well for them after the trade, so they went out and signed an older, more expensive version of him in Juwan Howard. Genius! — Tyronn Lue is bad. Why do teams keep writing checks to him? — Steven Hunter has a chance to be a pretty good player. I’ve always liked Hunter. But then again, anything with Stepfanie Kramer and Fred Dryer in it is going to be good. — Nobody details a car like Pat Garrity.

Philadelphia 76ers
Randy Ayers is the new coach and I think he’s going to love working for Allen Iverson. — They traded for Glenn Robinson and that was a good move, guys with a conscience don’t do well alongside AI. — Kenny Thomas is a better pro than I thought he’d be. Especially since he played college ball for 14 years at New Mexico. — Derrick Coleman and Marc Jackson are going to share the center position. One can take his nap while the other one’s on the floor. — Has anybody ever seen Samuel Dalembert and Jerome Moiso at the same place at the same time? — Eric Snow is going to miss Larry Brown, because Ayers might actually want a point guard who can make a six foot jump shot. — Iverson’s the toughest player in the league, and given that the Sixers have a hilariously inept roster of other guards, he needs to be. — Aaron McKie likes candy.

Washington Wizards
That sound you heard when Abe Pollin showed Michael Jordan and Doug Collins the door last summer was “Whew.” It came from everybody else drawing a paycheck from the Wizards. — Gilbert Arenas is still only 21 years old. How old was he when he went to college, 14? — Larry Hughes wasn’t a point guard and now he gets to move back to the shooting guard spot. That’s great. Except he can’t shoot. — The Wizards have two of the last three Maryland point guards, with Steve Blake and Juan Dixon, too bad for them the other one is the good one (Steve Francis). — Jerry Stackhouse is going to miss Michael Jordan…like a case of herpes. — Kwame Brown has a lot of talent, but you wonder how much damage Jordan and Collins did by constantly verbally pistol-whipping him. — Brendan Haywood better hope the new regime is as blind to the deficiencies of former Tar Heels as the old one was. — I like their new coach, Eddie Jordan, and he’s going to run that motion offense that he helped put in, in New Jersey. It might actually make Christian Laettner valuable again. — Nah. — Greg Buckner always rewinds rental videos.

Central Division

Atlanta Hawks
It’s going to be tough for them to ever replace the showmanship and personality of Lon Kruger. — Stephen Jackson signed with them after he turned down almost seven million dollars more from the San Antonio Spur. You might actually see him break into tears on the court at times this year. — Between battling injuries and playing in Atlanta, it’s kind of like Theo Ratliff’s career got sucked into a black hole, isn’t it? — Jason Terry’s too short to play shooting guard and too “shooty” to play the point. — Travis Hanson’s going to make the team as a guard and I think we all wish he and his brothers would put out a new album, I loved “Mmm bop.” — Remember how hot Dan Dickau’s girlfriend was when he was at Gonzaga? — If your team hears, “starting at forward, Chris Crawford” you know you’re bad. — If you need somebody to help you with the exchange rates, Boris Diaw’s your man.

Chicago Bulls
I’m not sure if the rumor that the Denver Nuggets were willing to do a draft-day trade of Carmelo Anthony’s spot to the Bulls for Jay Williams and two other players, but if you say the word “Carmelo” around John Paxson, he always gazes off into the distance and sighs. I have no idea what that means. — They ended up drafting Kirk Hinrich. He’s a tough kid. Played all four years at Kansas. Got his degree. And yet, he still has no idea how to use a comb. — Eddy Curry’s going to be the best center in the East in the next year or two. Of course, that’s kind of like being the most talented Osmond. It’s dubious at best. — They got Jalen Rose two years ago when they couldn’t score, and now they’re stuck with him. He thinks he’s a point guard, and honestly the Bulls should just pretend he is their point. They don’t need Jamal Crawford to run the offense and maybe Jalen would pass the ball more often if he thought he was Magic Johnson. Just as long as he doesn’t get a talk show. — Bill Cartwright was a good guy to have when they were losing and trying to get over the toxic effects of Tim Floyd, but now that they have a real team, they need a real coach. — Scottie Pippen’s veteran influence will be more than people think. If anybody needs a good paternity lawyer, Scottie’s got some on retainer.

Cleveland Cavaliers
The most famous pre-draft camp story of all time is that when the Bulls worked out Darius Miles, they did a drill where they marked out seven spots on the floor, starting about three feet from the basket and Darius was supposed to shoot from each spot until he made one and then move farther out. After a minute he was still on the first one. I always thought that was an exaggeration, but watch him play, he can’t shoot. At all. — LeBron James is a point guard in a small forward’s body. That’s a good thing. — Chris Mihm, Zydrunas Ilgauskas and DeSagana Diop spend so much time in the whirlpool they should be in the Naval Reserve. — I asked the doctor who diagnosed Dajuan Wagner’s inflamed spleen if he’d ever seen one that big. He said, “Not since lunch.” — Kevin Ollie keeps making team’s rosters. It just proves NBA teams are full of morons. — Miles complains that the Cavs never run any plays for him, I’d just tell him that his play is the missed jumper. Go run it down and if you’re still close enough to the rim to dunk, go for it. — Ricky Davis is the Reggie Theus to LeBron’s Michael Jordan, he’ll be gone within three months.

Detroit Pistons
Larry Brown will love Ben Wallace. That seems as safe a bet as any in the league. — Rip Hamilton seems like a perfect guy for a Larry Brown offense. Too bad Rip’s defense will make Larry want to stick his own head in the Gatorade bucket. — Tayshaun Prince got Rick Carlisle fired. How could a guy play that well in the playoffs, and not sniff the rotation during the regular season? — Bob Sura will lead the league in puzzled, confused, drooling expressions…again. — Lock up your daughters when Mehmet Okur, Darko Milicic and Zeliko Rabraca hit the club scene. — I look at those three and immediately Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd come to mind. I have no idea why. Whatever happened to the Festrunk Brothers, anyway? — Lindsey Hunter is back where it all began. Don’t you just love it when a hero returns? — Corliss Williamson and Darvin Ham make them pretty deep at “undersized power guy.” — Ask anybody in the league and they’ll tell you that if you need any spackling tips, that Hubert Davis is the guy to call.

Indiana Pacers
The rest of the Eastern Conference let out a groan when Larry Bird fired Isiah Thomas. Now the Pacers might actually play to their ability. — Jamaal Tinsley is going to miss Isiah, I doubt that Rick Carlisle will want a point guard who can’t shoot on the floor at the end of games. — It must be hard to be Reggie Miller, here’s a former NBA All-Star who at no point in his life has ever been better than his big sister. — Ron Artest is insane. — At some point this year they’ll have Artest committed to some sort of maximum security asylum and slip Al Harrington into his spot in the lineup. — Austin Croshere must just look at his bank account and laugh. — Jermaine O’Neal is a great player, but he’s mad at Bird for firing Thomas. It just proves he’s still pretty naive. — Carlisle’s a good coach, but he’s going to dazzle anybody with his personality. Unless that is, you go for “bland.” — Scot Pollard is an interesting guy. What’s really interesting is that the Pacers actually think he has basketball skill. Heck, even the Maloofs knew he didn’t. — Jeff Foster takes a shower after every game. Even when he doesn’t play.

Milwaukee Bucks
Terry Porter takes over for George Karl and immediately, two things will be obvious. 1) He’s got even less hair. 2) He’s got a lot less talent to work with. — The Bucks are just bad. I like TJ Ford, but he’s going to eat lunch twice a day during the season. Once at about noon, and then again when other teams’ point guards feed it to him again at seven. — Michael Redd will shoot, and shoot, and shoot, and shoot. — Desmond Mason is a good defender, which means the Bucks have….one. — Remember when the Bulls were mad that Tim Thomas turned down all that money to stay in Milwaukee? They’re probably not mad any more. — Joel Pryzbilla lacks only one thing…talent. — Toni Kukoc is a good guy to have, he knows where every Burger King is within walking distance of every hotel in the league. — Joe Smith finally proved to Kevin McHale that he’s the worst number one overall pick in recent history. It took McHale about six years longer than everybody else. — Dan Gadzuric is funny looking.

New Orleans Hornets
They searched far and wide and decided that Tim Floyd was the guy they had to have coach this team? Who was their second choice, Ron Zook? — Baron Davis is in the best shape of his life, which means he’ll blow his knee out in late November. — Bryce Drew is still in the league? He must have the most extensive collection of blackmail photos in the league. — They have some nice pieces here. Davis is a top point guard, Jamal Mashburn’s a talent, George Lynch is a good bench guy and Stacey Augmon hasn’t been photographed in a mobster’s hot tub for almost a decade. — PJ Brown is so underrated that he’s overrated. — David West was a good player at Xavier, but he’s then again, so was Derek Strong. — Robert Traylor got better when the Hornets stopped hassling him about his weight. Kind of like that fat catcher from “Bad News Bears.” — Tim Floyd will win more games this year in New Orleans than he won in two and a half with the Bulls, and he still might not get a top four seed in the playoffs.

Toronto Raptors
Vince Carter is out to prove that he’s still a superstar. It’d be easier on him if he had at least one other guy who could create his own shot on this team. — Kevin O’Neill could be a very good NBA coach, he’s certainly got the vocabulary down pat. He can swear in about six different languages. — Alvin Williams is on the trading block already, and really, if you had Milt Palacio breathing down your neck, wouldn’t you fear for your job, too? — They want to trade Antonio Davis, too. The only problem is finding a taker for a 6’7 center who can’t shoot. — Chris Bosh was a nice draft pick, once he doubles his body weight, he’ll be a real player. — They seem hell bent on getting rid of Morris Peterson, which would be a plan if they could actually get somebody in return who could make a jumper. — I think that they won’t be a real winner until they address the fact that their mascot is a purple dinosaur. I have a hard time thinking that a team with Barney for their inspirational leader is going to win big.