Yesterday we wowed you with the expertise of our NBA scouts as they broke down the Eastern Conference. Today, on NBA opening night, we give you the Western Conference.

Western Conference
Midwest Division

Dallas Mavericks
They’ve got seven guys who could easily average 20 points a night on a different team. I’m going way out on a limb here and say that they won’s average 140 points a game, though. — Steve Nash’s hair is still the funniest thing on TV. — I still don’t know how they got Antoine Walker AND Tony Delk in that trade from Boston. I think Danny Ainge is eating his hair gel again. — How’d you like to watch Danny Forston and Shawn Bradley play ’21’ some night after practice. You’d need a body splint to put Bradley’s pieces back together. — Donn Nelson, Jr. told me that they might not even let Tariq Abdul-Wahad travel, they’re so deep. That, and he slows them down at the airport so much. — Walker shot more than 500 three pointers in Boston last year. Five-hundred. I don’t care if they’re “six-pointers”, that’s way too damn many. — Don Nelson, Sr. never cared if his teams played defense, that’s never been more obvious than it is right now. This team couldn’t hold Utah under 100 points. — Then again, Utah might not be able to hold them under 175. — Antawn Jamison is a good fit on this team. He’s a catch and shoot guy. Remember when they used to put a stop watch on him at UNC and they’d show that he could score 25 points in a game and only have the ball in his hands for like 50 seconds the whole night. That’s the only way to get shots on this team. Catch it and chuck it. — Josh Howard is an excellent Scrabble player.

Denver Nuggets
This may have been the worst NBA team ever last year. They’re better this year, but really, how could they not be? — Nothing says “tough” like powder blue and yellow uniforms. — Andre Miller will have a great year for them. He hated in in LA last year with the Clippers. That’s because he’s not insane. I don’t know how anybody could like playing for the Clips. — Carmelo Anthony’s so far ahead of LeBron James right now it’s not even funny. — Carmelo is also a very underrated candy bar. — Nene Hilario is just Nene this year. He dumped the Hilario. But that figured, he was never Hilario, in fact, he wasn’t even mildy amusing. — Can you have a more perfect pair of centers than Marcus Camby and Chris Marcus? That way you can always guarantee you’ve got at least one Marcus on the injured list at all times. — Their coach has a ‘z’ in his last name. — Earl Boykins is going to drive other teams insane. How’d you like to chase the fastest man in the league around at altitude for two and a half hours? — Nikoloz Tskitishvili has improved a lot, working every day with John McLeod. Then again, you and I would improve if John McLeod coached us every day. — Remember Rodney White? Yeah, neither do I. — Voshon Lenard can iron a shirt in :14 seconds.

Houston Rockets
They got new red uniforms this year, but I think the burning question is what can they do about Jeff Van Gundy’s combover? — What part of “unconditional release” and Eddie Griffin do they not understand? — Jim Jackson turned one good season on the bench in Sacramento into a starting gig in Houston. I think he did it just to move closer to Toni Braxton, again. — Really, shouldn’t they trade Bostjan Nachbar to the Celtics? — Moochie Norris is 5’8, 6’4 with the afro. — Eric Piatkowski is a nice pick-up for them. He has to be doing cartwheels to finally be out of the Clip Joint. — Maurice Taylor isn’t lazy, he just plays that way. — Yao will be the most improved player in the NBA this year. That ought to scare the hell out of everybody. — Do you think Rockets fans still wonder if they made the right move taking Yao over Jay “Evil Kneivel” Williams last year? — Patrick Ewing is one of Van Gundy’s assistant coaches. He claims he’s not there to coach Yao. Well, what the hell is he there for? Were the rest of the Rockets’ coaches not sweaty enough? — John Amaechi is from England so he speaks English.

Memphis Grizzlies
I thought Hubie Brown would have an aneurysm watching Jason Williams play every night, but he didn’t. In fact, Hubie made a very good player out of Jason. — Mike Miller should average 18-20 points a night on this team. Then again, I should have been prom king, but that didn’t work out, either. — I think it’s high time we sent out a search party to find Pau Gasol’s missing ‘L’. — James Posey and Shane Battier are an interesting pair. Posey’s a great athlete. Battier’s not. Both are solid players. Battier has weird grooves in his head. Posey doesn’t. — Lorenzen Wright loves playing in Memphis. I which I could say I loved watching him. — Troy Bell and Dahntay Jones were interesting draft picks. If anybody but Jerry West had swung those deals, we’d be mocking them. Instead, you have a feeling they’ll work out. — Stromile Swift improved a lot under Hubie, too. But then again, he had no where to go but up. — Earl Watson will paint any car for $99.95.

Minnesota Timberwolves
This is the best team Kevin Garnett has ever had to play with. Well, other than the one at Farragut Academy. — Latrell Sprewell and Sam Cassell are an interesting pair in the backcourt. Flip Saunders will come home from games some nights and be tempted to close the garage door and leave his car running. — Cassell is a better point than people give him credit for. But it’s true that when he passes it’s only because he doesn’t think he could find a shot for himself. — Troy Hudson did a nice job in the playoffs, but it’s good that Flip remembered how he played the other 82 nights. He’s not a starter in this league. — Michael Olowokandi isn’t good, but he’s not bad, either. What does that leave? — Wally Szczerbiak needs to get a last name people can spell. — What the hell is an Ndubi Ebi? — Ervin Johnson is the stiffest man on the planet. — Fred Hoiberg is excellent at origami.

San Antonio Spurs
Tim Duncan is really good. — I like Tony Parker better than Jason Kidd. But that could be because Parker doesn’t have a kid with a head the size of a Macy’s parade float running around the interview room all night. — They signed Anthony Carter? Why? I hope it’s the old Vikings and Lions receiver, because the one who played with the Heat last year stinks. — Ron Mercer on a good team? What’s the point? — Hedo Turkoglu was a complete flop last year in Sacramento. If the Maloofs give up on you, you did something very bad. Maybe he killed a hooker at the Palms or something? — Bruce Bowen’s free throws make Shaq look like Rick Barry. — Who doesn’t like Manu Ginobili? — I’ll bet you my house that Big Game Bob Horry makes a three to beat the Lakers sometime this year. — Kevin Willis is still playing? Did he die and nobody has the heart to tell him? — Shane Heal loves Rice-a-Roni.

Utah Jazz
Is this their roster or the third round draft of the NBA Developmental League? — I think Carlos Arroyo did my taxes last year. — Raul Lopez? Doesn’t he have a show on ABC? — Oh, I remember DeShawn Stevenson, I think I was in the jury pool for his statutory rape case. — Matt Harpring is a good sixth man. Unfortunately for the Jazz, he’s their first man. — Andrei Kirikenko has a cool nickname “AK 47”, that’s all I’ve got on him, though. Sorry. — I like the way Raja Bell spells his first name. I think Raja Clemens should have done that, too. — It’s fun to ring a bell and watch Aleksander Pavlovic drool all over himself. That joke never gets old. — Which Collins is Jarron Collins? — Curtis Borchardt’s girlfriend is hot. — What is Jerry Sloan thinking with this team? Look at this roster. And Pat Riley’s the one who quit? — Wow, they’re awful.

Pacific Division

Golden State Warriors
Jason Richardson will be a great player some day, just as soon as the league outlaws any shots from more than nine feet. — Popeye Jones is the ugliest player in the history of the league. — Nick Van Exel proved in Dallas that he’s a big game player. Funny enough, there are no big games in Golden State. — Troy Murphy shouldn’t be a surprise. He was a great player at Notre Dame, and he’s a good player in the NBA. Just like all of those Notre Dame greats. Guys like Kelly Tripuka, Elmer Bennett, Joe Ross… — Mike Dunleavy is perfect for the kind of offense they run. He should have a big year. Then again, if somebody sneezes on the court, his frail little body will fly into section 221. — Clifford Robinson is a Warrior? Is he in the witness protection program? What happened? — Calbert Cheaney? Really? Why bother? — Speedy Claxton is no Earl Boykins. — They drafted Mickael Pietrus in the first round. Who made their pick for them, Jacques Chirac? — Adonal Foyle once helped my grandmother put her groceries in her car.

Los Angeles Clippers
They lost Andre Miller, Lamar Odom and a couple other guys, but they still have the biggest Wang in the league. — Marko Jaric is going to share the point guard duties with Keyon Dooling. I’m laughing just thinking about it. — Quentin Richardson has turned into a good player. But when your best players are him and Corey Maggette? Woof. — Elton Brand is a great player on a good team. This is not a good team. — Melvin Ely is going to play center? Really? Ouch. — Eddie House and Glen Rice are on their bench. They might have the only bench in the league that won’t dribble the ball. They’ll just catch and shoot from wherever they are. — What is a Predrag Drobnjak? — I like Chris Kaman. I like it when he does that “Mango” skit on Saturday Night Live. — Chris Wilcox could be a nice player some day. — Man, I’m reaching now, huh?

Los Angeles Lakers
Don’t you think Devean George looks around during player intros and goes, “How the hell did I get from Augsburg State to here?” He ought to. — Gary Payton will make a huge difference on this team. He’ll not only get in Kobe’s face, he’ll enjoy it. — Karl Malone is just along for the ride. I don’t even know how to feel about this. — Shaq is still the best player in the game when he’s motivated. He hates Kobe. I can’t emphasize that enough. — Kareem Rush is the second best Kareem in team history. — Horace Grant is back? Why? — Brian Cook is in the perfect situation. He’s like Robert Horry without the track record. — Bryon Russell is a nice bench guy, and Rick Fox is just on the team so his wife will come to the games. — I like Jannero Pargo with a white wine. Good stuff. — Luke Walton’s dad smokes weed in a tent in the back yard.

Phoenix Suns
I don’t know what a Leandrinho Barbosa is, but I liked the movie with Jane Fonda. — Stephon Marbury finally started to pass the ball and became the best point in the West last year. It only took him six years. — Penny Hardaway is the ultimate ‘what the hell happened to him’ guy, ever. — Shawn Marion is a stud. He and Amare Stoudamire are just unfair. — They have nothing at center. Jake Voshkul? Scott Williams? Yikes. — Casey Jacobsen has a hot girlfriend. — Joe Johnson is a guy I think could be good. Then again, I once thought David Caruso had a promising movie career ahead of him. — Brevin Knight is tiny.

Portland Trail Blazers
Blazers is such a perfect nickname for this team. — Jeff McInnis stinks. — Damon Stoudamire should have a nice year if he can stay out of jail. — I like Bonzi Wells. You have to like a guy with no outside jumper, yet who can average 18 a night playing “shooting” guard. — Rasheed Wallace needs to be traded. He’s a tremendous player, but he’s insane. — Zach Randolph was huge in the playoffs for them last year. But then, he’s huge all the time. — Dale Davis is still playing center in this league. Didn’t he start out playing next to Bill Russell? — Derek Anderson is good when he’s healthy, which is…never. — Qyntel Woods is good at playing video games. — Ruben Patterson makes Rasheed look perfectly sane. Wow. — Travis Outlaw likes puppies.

Sacramento Kings
If Brad Miller is the answer, what the hell was the question? — Mike Bibby managed to undo everything he earned in the 2002 playoffs in the 2003 playoffs. — Bobby Jackson is a chucker. — Doug Christie’s wife scares me. Hell, she scares everybody. — Predrag Stojakovic is a great shooter, and his bottom lip is huge! — Gerald Wallace can dunk and nothing else. He’s the 21st century Terrence Stansbury. — Chris Webber hides from the distric attorney like it’s the fourth quarter of a conference finals game. — Anthony Peeler is a chucker. — Tony Massenburg owns that douche company, right? — Darius Songalia has a pretty name.

Seattle Supersonics
Brent Barry and point guard is an oxymoron. — Luke Ridnour’s hair might one day give Steve Nash’s a run for its money. — Ray Allen played great for them. Then again, Ray Allen played great for Milwaukee. I have no idea what the hell that trade was all about for the Bucks. — Ansu Sesay is fun to say. — Reggie Evans can rebound, but he should get a fine every time he takes a shot. — Rashard Lewis is a stud, and I like Vladimir Radmanovic, too. But then, I’m easy. — Hey, I thought Vitaly Potapenko got deported! Congratulations, Vitaly. — Calvin Booth makes how much? — I couldn’t pick Ron Murray out of a police lineup. — Nick Collison is already out for the year. Well, there goes my Rookie of the Year vote. — Antonio Daniels always turns right on red.