It takes a lot to top some of the antics of past Survivors, but last night’s “twist” really was one and it just might have made for the best Survivor ever.

When was the last time you saw a Survivor tribe celebrate a challenge win and actually get a little goosebumpy like we did last night?

You’ve got to hand it to Mark Burnett and his crew. This may be the seventh one, but for one night, they managed to truly surprise us.

Jake was on the road last night, so I was back in the recapper’s seat. So, let the hilarity ensue.

Or something.

Previously, on Survivor: Trish, a complete non-entity until last week, tried a power play to get Rupert voted off the island. She was convinced to do it by Johnny Fair Play himself. Rupert caught wind of it and got Shawn and Christa and Sandra to help him vote off Trish. When it came time to put pen to parchment, Trish spelled his name “Rubert.” Proving she’s too dumb and needed to be voted off.

All is not calm at Drake as they get back to camp. Rupert is screaming, “Who the f@#$ voted for me? There were two votes, who was the other one?” Johnny Fair Play fesses up. Rupert screams in his face, and then tells the camera, “I wanted to grab that scrawny ass and strangle the little f@#$er’s chicken neck.”

Tell us how you really feel, Rupe.

Rupe screams at John, “You f@#$ed me!” I hope that’s not true. I don’t our first confirmed island hook up to be Rupert and John. Eww.

Rupe and John hug. But Rupert tells the camera that he doesn’t believe a word that Johnny tells him. That seems fair. “Johnny Fair Play is now Johnny Pain in the Ass to me.”

At Morgan, Andrew is still wearing that suit coat, and says that a lack of protein is why they have no engergy. He then tries to convince Darrah that he can give her a little “protein” wink, wink. She says she’d rather go suck off a sea turtle.

Wait, that didn’t happen.

We do get to see a horribly anemic effort by Ryan O. to kill a stingray. But just as well, what are they going to do with a sting ray? Can you even eat that?

Andy Suitcoat says that he’s depressed that they don’t have any fish. I’ve got an idea. CATCH SOME! What a dope.

CBS then gives us a whale shot. Seriously. Nice footage of a couple of whales. Just think, if Ryan O. could just swim out there and spear a whale, they could eat for weeks!

Back at Drake, Rupert says he doesn’t want the merger to happen yet.

Sandra says that if you fry a coconut it tastes just like popcorn. This sets off a hilarious argument between Johnny Fair Play and Shawn. Shawn says they don’t have enough time before the challenge to fry a coconut. Shawn says they do. John calls Shawn an asshole. Shawn threatens to beat John up. John says, “Bring it on. It figures you’d resort to physical violence.”

Shawn weighs like 150 pounds in real life, after 19 days without food, he’s about 120. One good punch will kill him. I’d like to see it.

But alas, Shawn does not kick John’s ass.

At the reward challenge, Jeff “Anal” Probst reminds both teams that they have each voted off three tribemembers. He says they only have one thing in common. They’re all out of the game.

Until now.

And then, as Jeff says, “Your past has come back to haunt you.” In march the six voted off players. It was so nice to see big boobied Nicole

and her blue dress. Hello!

Skinny Ryan had a blue buff on his head with “Die, Jerks” written on it and Burton has “Outcasts” written on his. Jeff asks what their tribe name is, and Burton says, it’s surprise! the Outcasts.

Jeff explains that this will be a three-tribe challenge. If the Outcasts beat either tribe, that tribe has to go to Tribal Council and vote off a member. Then, the Outcasts will have a Tribal Council and vote a player back into the game. If the Outcasts beat both teams, each tribe loses a member and the Outcasts get to vote a player back to each tribe. Additionally, the new tribemember(s) get immunity next time, so they can’t just be immediately voted off.

I don’t think it takes a genius to see that the merge happen after next week, and that it might very well give the returning tribe members a shot at actually staying around for a while.

The challenge is the old “everybodys in prison and we have to get them out” game. One member has to run and get their flag, then run back and dig their way under the “cell” and start freeing the other members. When everbody on a tribe is in the final section of the jail, they have to make a pole out of pieces of wood and some rope and use it to bring the key hanging outside the door into the cell to open the lock.

The Outcasts win pretty easily. Muahahahahahahaha!

At Morgan, Andy Suitcoat is mad. He’s mad that they lost, and mad that one of the Outcasts gets to come back. He seems to really hate Skinny Ryan. But our lawyer friend seems to have forgotten that the new member gets immunity in the next round, and Tijuana has to remind him.

Tijuana, by the way, is really pretty.

You wouldn’t know it from that photo, just trust me.

Osten says he wants out. He says he’s tired, his body hurts and that he’s “a big bag of atrophy.” Huh? Eww.

Osten says that he’s done, his body is worth more than a million dollars and if you don’t like it you can line up and kiss his ass. No thanks.

Andy Suitcoat says that Osten will have to live with it for the rest of his life.

At Drake, Sandra is worried about Burton coming back. She says he’s too strong and that if he gets back in the game, he’s going to be tough to beat. Johnny Fair Play doesn’t think Burton’s coming back. Johnny Fair Play is a moron.

Johnny Fair Play complains that the Outcasts are “losers and they need a second chance, winners like me don’t.” Uh, OK, whatever.

Sandra tells Rupe and Meth Addict Christa that it’d be funny to make Shawn and John beg for their “lives.” Rupe’s game (and gamey) and he decides they should do just that.

Shawn says we can’t trust John.
John says he’s loyal and works hard.

Big whup, both ways.

At Tribal Council, John is still doing those stupid “Johnny Fair Play” fingers. Just stop it, punk.

Anal reminds them that at the challenge, Burton says you don’t know “down” until you’re voted out.

Sandra reiterates that she’s afraid Burton is coming back.

See, this is why Drake has to suck it up and keep John. If they vote him out, Shawn and Burton are friends and those two could do some serious damage. Especially after the merger when individual immunity is at stake. Everybody screwed over Burton but Shawn, and Burton will remember that.

We only get to see the votes of Shawn (for John) and John (says “F@#$ you” to the camera as he holds up Shawn’s name).

Anal reads the votes and Shawn’s out, 4-1.

Morgan comes to Tribal Council and Anal asks Osten if he’s quitting. Osten has his right eye closed for some reason, maybe to look more like a pirate, and says he wants to go.

Andy Suitcoat says that Osten’s mind has quit, and made him feel like his body is giving up.

Osten says, “I compare my temple to a car. If it has no gas, it won’t run.” You put gas in a temple?

Darrah says she’d rather die than quit. So does Tijuana. They basically punk Osten on national TV. Hee hee.

Anal’s obviously mad at Osten for quitting. He doesn’t even make the Tribe vote. He snuffs out Osten’s flame and sets it down on the ground. CBS doesn’t let Osten have his “final words” either. Pretty harsh. But he is a quitter, after all.

Anal sends them back to camp with these words, “People work too hard to get in this game, and too hard to stay in it to just quit.”

Next week will start with the Outcast Tribal Council.

My guess is that Burton (for sure) will come back and I think hot, masseusse Nicole has a shot

It’d be nice to bring back the first one to get launched. She didn’t really do anything to deserve getting tossed anyway. And Andy Suitcoat seems to have forgotten she was ever in the game, anyway.

Plus, she’s hot!

—

John Paxson was not pleased with the Bulls’ effort on Wednesday. Really, you don’t say?

Bill Cartwright is afraid that Bulls fans will boo Jerry Krause tonight when he gets his banner at the United Center. I think Chicago fans are pretty classy. We’ll cheer him. And then boo Cartwright.

Groucho says this LeBron guy is pretty good.

Chris Malcom is a hack. By the way buddy, I’m the one who makes the pudding jokes.

Teddy Greenstein says the White Sox are going to trade one of Billy Koch, Magglio Ordonez or Carlos Lee. I like Maggs and Carlos. Koch sucks. Just read that last little sentence again. I think the FCC will be after me. He also says that re-signing Carl Everett is a “pipe dream.” Who dreams of singing that psycho?

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Mariotti puts down the doughnut to try and pen a feel-good story about Jarrett Payton.

NIU might get Dan Sheldon back if they make a bowl game. Too bad they won’t.

Bruce Weber’s boys are ranked 13th in the preseason poll.

Evil Rosie O’Donnell’s court drama begins.

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Microsoft is out to ruin Google.

Liz Hurley can’t get a date.

I want to go back to middle school.

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