On a really rainy Sunday, it was, once again, a perfect opportunity to fire up the TiVo, wear a groove into the couch and take a spin around the NFL. Given that the Bears had another winnable game, the whole day was filled with mirth and promise.

Or something.

The highlights of the pregame shows had to be on Fox when Terry Bradshaw had this to say about whether or not Mike Martz is a genius.

“Genius is a guy who puts a hat on his hand and paints lipstick on it.” That’s…great?

The Bears-Chargers announcers are Gus Johnson and Brent Jones. That’s kind of like having Kelly Ripa and Faith Ford do a TV show together. You know you won’t be offended, or entertained.

If Marty Schottenheimer’s head is a size seven and five eighths, his hat is a seven and a quarter. He looks like he’s wearing one of those batting helmets you can buy a sundae in at the ball game.

The Chargers right tackle is Courtney Van Buren! He’s obviously a direct descendant of everybody’s favorite president, Martin Van Buren.

Did I read last week that the Bears signed injured safety Mike Green to a five-year contract extension? They did it the week after his replacement, Bobby Gray had a nice game. What, is Dave Wannstedt still the GM?

The Chargers have to punt and former Aussie football star Darren Bennett is in to do the honors. Does he even wear shoulder pads? He’s nuts.

Gus Johnson says, “Hop aboard fellas! Here comes the A-Train!” Oh, Gus. Calm down.

The Texans are hosting the Panthers and have broken out two bad ideas. They had red jerseys on and Tony Banks is playing quarterback.

Brent Jones just said, “The Chargers know that Chris Chandler can pick them apart with all that talent the Bears have at wide receiver.” Excuse me while I laugh until I begin to cough up blood.

Sammy Davis is a defensive back for the Chargers. Why don’t we just throw at his bad eye?

A promising Bears drive is ended by two straight passes to Dez White. Make it stop.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are in Baltimore and they’re wearing some bad black pants with their white jerseys. Man, Jack Del Rio is even screwing up the uniforms.

In Chicago, on a third and one, Lance Briggs gets the credit for stuffing LaDanian Tomlinson for no gain, but thanks to TiVo and my eagle eye, I replay it and see that Brian Urlacher was hit by a pulling guard (350 pounder Kelvin Garmon), shucks him and makes the tackle, just before Briggs could lay the wood on LT. Nice by both guys. But Urlacher made the play. I’m sorry.

Steve Christie shanks a 46 yard field goal, that Joe Odom may have blocked.

Chris Chandler scrambles for an 11 yard gain, Jones chimes in, “That’s what happens when you run scared.” Not bad.

Bad news. Dez White just caught a wide receiver screen and took it 12 yards for a first down. This will only encourage the use of that ill-fated play.

In Detroit, sideline reporter Marcus Allen says that Raiders wide receiver “Jerry Porter just got the wind knocked out of him.” I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. It’s only just when it happens to somebody else.

In Miami, Phil Simms says, “Brian Griese’s tight spirals will serve him well here in breezy south Florida.” Yeah, it’ll make it easier for defensive backs to catch his throws.

WAIT! STOP THE PRESSES! In Chicago, on third and three the Bears threw a four yard pass! Obviously Dez White ran the wrong pattern. Up in the booth John Shoop is likely yelling into his headset, “Damn it Dez! You’re supposed to run a two yard pattern on third and three!” Ahh, irony can be fun.

The A-Train, a late fantasy lineup addition for yours truly, punches it in from a yard out and it’s 10-0 Bears.

Leon Johnson is returning kicks for the Chargers. It’s still true, old Bears never die, they just go to San Diego.

Drew Brees has no arm. I’m sorry, but he doesn’t. He had David Boston wide open down the middle of the field, but his throw hung up in the air and Charles Tillman picked it off. CBS gives us a closeup of Drew and I’m disturbed.

He still has that hairy mole on his face. That’s fine, I’m sure they can’t remove a mole that size from your face without really hacking you up. But the mole has hair sticking straight out of it. He can’t shave it? I’ve got a little mole near my wrist and it has two coarse hairs that grow out of it, so about once a week I just give it a little swipe with the razor. How tough is that? From now on, Drew Brees is Harry Moleface.

Maybe Harry Moleface will get the hint?

In Miami, Greg Gumbel tells us that the Miami Dolphins (thanks to Griese) have now lost a fumble in every game. Congratulations! I hope in the final week of the season, the ’72 Dolphins stand on the sidelines with bottles of champagne to uncork when Ricky Williams coughs one up to set the record.

In Chicago, Justin Gage just made a great diving catch down the sidelines. Does David Terrell watch this?

That’s more like it. On third and six, Dez runs a five yard pattern and drops the ball. That’s the real Bears offense there.

Brent Jones can’t figure out why the Bears offense isn’t more explosive. Oh, it’s explosive. It ignites rallies every week…for the opponents.

Brent also can’t figure out why Moleface is so much more accurate when he rolls out. Sigh. Here, allow me to explain. He’s got a weenie arm. But when he rolls out, he eliminates half the field. Therefore he gets to make a shorter throw. The problem is, he eliminates half the field and it’s hard to get a guy open.

In Detroit, Marques Tuiasasopo is hurt and (brace yourselves) Rick Mirer is in! Muahahahahahaha!

Here’s an interesting series in Chicago.
On third and one at the San Diego 35, the Bears run a play action pass to Stanley Pritchett. The tight end, Desmond Mason is wide open, but so’s Pritchett. Chandler throws to Pritchett who drops it.

On the next play, the A-Train converts fourth and one.

On the next play after that, Chandler runs that play action play again, Mason’s open again and he catches a 31 yard pass down to the one yard line.

You just know Chandler called that. When he gets injured for the year (which is always inevitable) can he just take over the offensive coordinator duties? Even if his injury is a concussion, it’d still be an improvement.

Here’s a less interesting series in Chicago.
First and goal from the one. A-Train off tackle. Loss of one.
Second and goal from the two. Four wide receivers in the game, give to A-Train for a two yard loss.
Third and goal from the four. Dez drops a TD pass.
Field goal.

Guh.

In Detroit, the Raiders are down 17-3. Wow. Has a coach ever been fired during the first half?

In Chicago, LaDanian is now officially tired of being hit by Lance Briggs.

Brent Jones is calling him “Tim Duh-wite.”

Jim Nantz with an update where he says, “Marcus Tuiasasopo is out with what looks like a torn MCL.” Looks like to who, Dr. Nantz Medicine Man?

Bobby Wade catches a pass for a first down and Chargers DB Drayton Florence (Florence? Kiss my grits!) throws him down well out of bounds. One ref throws his flag and then they pick up and say no penalty. Somewhere, Ken Stills is smiling. No doubt from a cell in a penitentary.

Sammy Davis picks off a Chandler pass and Jones does a nice job of explaining how Dez ran the wrong route. Ahh, that Dez, he’s having quite a day.

Doug Flutie is in and his jersey is way too tight and his shoulder pads are way too red.

His arm is noticeably better than Molefaces’. Not a good thing for Harry. Doug doesn’t exactly have a cannon.

Brent Jones, “It looks like the Chargers offense knows that Flutie is in the game.” I’d hope so. He’s the quarterback, right?

The Chargers march down the field and LT scores from five yards out to make it 13-7 with way too much time left. Gulp. That was too easy.

Viagra has a new add which is a variation on an old one that always bothered me. This time the guy’s name is Bob. He walks into the office and his co-workers say stuff like, “Hey Bob, did you get a haircut?” “Bob, did you lose weight?” What Bob should say is, “Nah, I just went to my doctor and he gave me Viagra. See, I have a huge erection!”

The Bears throw a wide receiver screen (see, I warned you) to David Terrell, but with no blockers in front of him. Not good. No gain.

In Detroit, Rick Mirer has pulled the Raiders within a TD of the Lions and…hell, I can’t even type that with a straight face.

In Chicago, Charles Tillman just made an unbelievable play to down a Brad Maynard punt inside the one yard line. Marty Schottenheimer has challenged it, but Brent Jones points out that in the replay you can see the ref standing on the goal line looking at the ball from about five yards away, it’d have been tough for him to miss that call. He didn’t. First and ten San Diego at the half-yard line.

In Houston, the Tony Banks led Texans have a 14-10 lead on an unbelievable one handed catch by tight end Billy Miller. I wonder what Texans linebacker Kylie Wong’s parents would have named him if he was a boy?

The Chargers get one first down, but have to punt. Mr. No Shoulder Pads kicks a line drive to RW McQuarters who gets great blocks from Odom and Gage and goes all the way to the Chargers 20.

This is interesting (no, really). It’s 13-7 Bears with two minutes to go and the Bears have second and goal at the five. Brent Jones thinks that the Chargers should realize the Bears are going to get at least a field goal and probably a touchdown, and either way, it’ll be a two score game. So, they might as well let the Bears score here, because they’re going to need time to score and get an onside kick regardless. Gus and Brent can’t remember the last guy to do that, but they remember it was a “big game.” Yeah, it was Mike Holmgren in the Packers-Broncos Super Bowl. The only problem with Holmgren’s decision was that his math was wrong.

The Chargers stuff Thomas on second down, and again on third. So it’s fourth and goal from the one with :28 seconds left.

The Bears have to kick the field goal here. I mean, my fantasy team would love another Thomas TD, but if you kick the field goal you go up by nine and it’s over.

So what do the Bears do? They run Thomas, he barely gets in (but, there was a facemask penalty on the Chargers which contributed to him barely making it–so they’d have had another shot at it regardless) and they’re up 20-7 and it’s over. Plus, my fantasy team gets a second rushing TD. So who’s going to complain?

(After the game, Jauron said that he figured Thomas was just as safe a bet to score as Edinger was to kick the field goal. Only two really bad things could happen. Thomas could fumble, or Edinger could get his field goal blocked. But it makes, sort of, sense another way. If Thomas gets stuffed, the Chargers get the ball at the one. If Edinger had shanked a field goal (not very likely) they’d have gotten it at the 20. Either way, they’d have only had about :24 left.

So the Bears win their second straight game and are 3-5 heading to Detroit next week. Who knows?

In Tampa Bay, this is funny. The Saints have punted to Tampa and the Bucs punt returner fumbled. Deveron Harper (from Notre Dame) jarred the ball loose and now he’s standing behind the pile trying to see who recovered it. He thinks the Saints have it, only he’s pointing the wrong way. When a ref sees that indeed the Saints have it, he points in the proper direction. Harper thinks the ref is giving the ball to Tampa and starts to go nuts. You can almost see the ref tell him, “Uh, it’s your ball.” And as quickly as he started freaking out, he starts celebrating. Just kind of funny. Maybe, only to me.

In Houston, the Texans have a fourth down at the Panthers 35. They also have a four point lead. So Dom Capers calls for Tony Banks to drop back and float a ball down the field and out of the end zone. That will take more than five seconds and the game will be over. Right?

It worked. Except the HOUSTON clock operator didn’t start the clock for a couple seconds and when the ball went out of bounds, there was still one second left.

Oops.

Is that where the old Michigan State clock operator went?

Carolina gets one play, but their version of the Stanford band play does not work. No band.

In Tampa Bay, with 2:08 left in the game, the Bucs have the ball at the Saints 30 down 14-7. Brad Johnson takes the snap and the Saints are offsides, so it’s a free play. Only Bucs fullback Jameel Cook (from Illinois) isn’t blocking anybody he’s just standing there, clapping. Johnson throws a TD pass to Keenan McCardell for a tie game. Despite the clapping fullback.

In Miami, the Colts are nursing a six point lead and have third and two on their 15. Tackle Ryan Deim (from NIU) goes offsides. Oops.

On third and seven they call a screen pass and Peyton Manning throws it right into the hands of Miami DB Terrell Buckley. This is bad.

A couple plays later, Brian Griese comes through. He’s hit by Dwight Freeney and fumbles, the Colts recover and win. Dave Wannstedt’s job is back on the line. Where it should be.

In New York, Chad Pennington has just tied the game at 28 with a TD pass through two Giants defenders to Anthony Becht. The Giants get the ball on their 25 with :23 left and a timeout in their pocket. They take a knee and play for OT. I hope they lose the coin toss and lose the game. That’s so Mohrningweg-esque.

In Baltimore, Ray Lewis has just made a great play on a tipped pass and picked it off to seal the game. Only, there’s a penalty on the Jaguars that may work in their favor. The call is illegal touching, as the referees have ruled that a Jags receiver ran out of bounds, came back in and was the first to touch the ball. That means the play is dead and it’s fourth down for the Jags. The replay, which Ravens coach Brian Billick hates, shows that a Raven touched it first, meaning it’s not a dead ball, the interception stands and the Ravens win.

Gee, funny how you like it when it works?

Brian Baldinger is in New York calling the OT Giants/Jets “thriller.” Despite my wishes, the Giants have won the toss. In fact the Giants are in field goal range.

Baldy comes through like we hope he would. “You have to wonder what’s going on in Jim Fassel’s mind. He’s got the ball. He’s got a field goal kicker.”

He’s got a field goal kicker? How novel! Is he the only coach in football with one?

His field goal kicker is Brett Conway and he shanks a 39 yarder. The game is still tied. How are they going to blame this one on Trey Junkin?

Joe Buck is back from his baseball playoff duty, and he’s in Dallas with Cris Collinsworth and Troy Aikman for the Redskins and Cowboys. How’s Joe going to work all of his hilarious Sammy Sosa cork bat jokes into the broadcast?

In Atlanta, Donovan McNabb has just thrown his first TD pass of the season to a wide receiver. It’s freakin’ November!

Collinsworth says something that makes everyone uncomfortable. “When Jesse Armstead hits a guy, he really comes.”

Adrian Murrell is playing halfback for the Cowboys? Adrian Murrell? What, Joe Morris isn’t available? What about Joe Washington?

Buck says that Murrell last played in the NFL in 2000. Yikes.

Don Criqui and Steve Tasker are in Tempe for the Cardinals and Bengals. Wow. What did they do to get this gig? Did they run over CBS President Les Moonves’ dog?

In Dallas, Champ Bailey and Lavar Arrington just tackled Bill Parcells in a pileup on the sidelines. Champ and Lavar are my new favorite players.

Cowboys’ tight end Dan Campbell gets facemasked so bad the bolts on each side break off. He can literally flip his facemask up like the front of welder’s mask. That’s probably not safe.

He’s on the sidelines waiting for the equipment guys to fix his helmet and his backup gets called for holding. What, the Cowboys don’t have an extra helmet? I’ll bet Dave Campo would have thought of that. OK, perhaps not.

I just thought of something. If a one legged man played wide receiver in the NFL, could he ever successfully catch a completed pass? It’s impossible for him to get “both” feet in bounds. Hmm.

Hey look! The Texans are playing again! No, wait, it’s the Falcons this time. Those uniforms are a little too close. Other than the difference between black and navy blue, they’re pretty close. And without Michael Vick, the teams are the same, too.

In Seattle, Dan Dierdorf just said that “It looks like Tim Hasselbeck is covered in motor oil.” Huh? What? I don’t want to know.

Darrell Jackson is doing his Dez White impression and the Seahawks fans are chanting “Deuce!” Wait, no, that’s “Boo.”

Steve Tasker is not happy in Arizona. I loved this quote though. “Here’s an example of Jon Kitna’s talent. It looks like he’s got an acre of room to run, and he only gains one yard.” Ouch.

Probably not a good sign. Every time I switch to the Cowboys-Redskins there’s a Cowboys offensive lineman lying motionless on the turf.

By the way, is there a more chaotic organization in sports right now than the Redskins. Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw went out of their way on the pregame show to congratulate Dan Snyder for “destroying a proud franchise.”

He’s got former coaches coming to practice and grading current coaches. He refused to get any offensive line help in the offseason. Spurrier’s offense seems designed to kill Patrick Ramsey. The defense spends 80 percent of the game on the field. Nice job, guys.

In San Francisco, Rams WR Dane Looker catches a pass. He’s not a Looker, though. He’s just kind of average looking, really.

Here’s a conundrum. Who do you root against when Dennis Erickson matches wits with Mike Martz? I’m rooting for whatever fault line runs through the Bay Area.

In Dallas, the Redskins hold Dallas to a field goal to make it 6-3 Washington (the Skins missed their first extra point–nice.) However, Redskins linebacker Antonio Pierce is penalized for simulating the snap cadence. Pierce goes nuts, claiming he was framed. But Fox unearths an end zone shot with audio in which you can see Pierce moving his head as he yells, and you can hear him yelling. Not only that, but THREE referees throw a flag on him. Three! I think he’s guilty.

Troy Aikman says it’s harder now, because defenses do such a great job of preventing big plays. What crap.

DirecTV channels 715 and 716 are exposing “geniuses” Steve Spurrier and Mike Martz, both are getting their asses handed to them by lesser teams. Hee hee.

In fact, in five of the most entertaining minutes of football you’re going to hear, Aikman and Collinsworth absolutely fillet Spurrier for his offense and his approach to having Patrick Ramsey killed in a flurry of sacks. It’s impossible to disagree with them.

Adrian Murrell’s helmet comes off, and we all miss having John Madden around to say, “Good thing his head’s not still in it.” Yeah, OK, nobody misses that.

Why don’t the Redskins just give the ball to Stephen Davis? Oh, wait…

Jeff Reed is kicking for the Steelers. Hey didn’t he used to catch for the Twins, Expos, Reds and Cubs?
He’s a lefty, right?

Dan Dierdorf thinks he looks like Tom Selleck. Tom Bosley, maybe.

I hope Packers fans die a little bit inside every time Terry Glenn makes a huge play for the Cowboys. See, all he needed was a good quarterback…like Quincy Carter. OK, that was low.

But I don’t care.

The Bengals are down 17-14 with 1:23 left, the ball on their own six, and Jon Kitna at the helm. Yikes.

The Falcons are within striking range of the Eagles, but get TWO bad calls on a long punt return by Alan Rossum, it gets called back and they lose.

We did however get a nice shot of the Falcons special teams coach Joe DeCamillis yelling, “Motherf@#$er!” at the refs. No lip reading skills required on that one.

The refs just blew a call in Arizona on what should have been a completion to Peter Warrick. It’s over.

And in a fitting end to our football day, Dallas just needs to get a first down to run the clock out and win. They run a reverse to Glenn, and FIFTY yards later he’s finally tackled.

So what did we learn today?

– The Bears are better than the worst teams in the NFL.
– The Redskins are clueless.
– Mike Martz is still weird.
– The Chiefs still didn’t lose. (They throttled the BYE.)
– Donovan McNabb can light up the ATL defense. So could you and I, though.
– Brian Baldinger thinks the field goal kicker is a novelty.
– The Raiders are beyond lousy.
– It’ll be fun to do it all over again, next Sunday.