They just don’t have a clue, do they? Last year, people mocked Cubs GM Jim Hendry for his pipe dream of bringing in Dusty Baker to manage the Cubs. Why would Dusty want to come manage the losingest franchise in the world?

Well, he did, and 88 wins, a playoff series win, and five outs from the World Series later, Hendry looks like a genius.

The White Sox found themselves in a similar situation this offseason. They finally pulled the plug on Jerry Manuel and needed to make a move. They had to hire a manager to get the most out of an underachieving team.

Granted, there was no Dusty Baker floating around out there. No World Series manager without a team. But there was a guy who was perfect for the job, and a guy so dying to manage that he’s back to Japan to do it. The Sox wanted a guy with some fire, some baseball accumen and a guy who was not afraid to mix it up. But they didn’t hire Bobby Valentine. They never even called him.

No, they hired Ozzie Guillen.

Excuse me while I laugh until milk comes out of my nose.

Ozzie Guillen? What, Tony Bernazard wasn’t available?

Ozzie Guillen?

This is like the Cubs hiring Shawon Dunston to be their manager.

I’m not going to fall into the “if a guy’s never managed before he won’t be any good” trap. Every great manager had to start somewhere. But Ozzie Guillen?

Baseball writers are throwing around adjectives today about Ozzie like, “fiery”, “personable”, “savvy” and “immature.” I’ll give you the two most important ones, “unintelligible” and “moron.”

The White Sox have maybe the most sullen, petulant, self-centered clubhouse in pro sports, and unless they change about 20 of the 25 guys to go with the new manager, this is just going to make it complete chaos.

But then, this is the same Kenny Williams who decided to take a team full of malcontents and complainers and add Carl Everett and Robbie Alomar to the mix, so what Kenny knows about chemistry is the kind of science that requires putting a new roof on the science building.

The Sox think that Ozzie will help in two ways. The think the fans will love him and come out in droves and that the players will play harder for him.

That’s just so simple and wrong and stupid.

Fans don’t come to see the manager. When was the last time somebody said, “Hey, Joe Torre’s in town! Let’s go watch him sit in the dugout!”

Look at the consistently successful managers in baseball today. Bobby Cox, Dusty Baker, Torre, etc. They all demand effort from their players, but seldom criticize any of them in public. Then there are guys like Tony LaRussa who criticize the opponent’s players in public. Nobody’s sure what this accomplishes, but Tony seems to enjoy it.

Granted, Ozzie has a unique personality. He’s lippy and extroverted and thinks he’s having fun all of the time. He’s Larry Bowa with a smile. It’s likely a phony smile, but it’s there.

And we all know how much guys love playing for Larry. The Phillies are the only team in baseball full of players who, if given the choice between root canal and batting practice, would pick the dentist’s chair.

Make no mistake, this hiring was the work of Jerry Reinsdorf. He loves Ozzie. He thinks Ozzie’s going to be great for business. The Sox are going to market him over the team. You watch, Ozzie will be the centerpiece of the winter marketing plan. That’s a given because the Sox are going to be losing good players, and not bringing them in. So they’ll sell hope. Ozzie will be on TV, Ozzie will be on radio. And you won’t understand a damn thing he says.

Nice job, Sox.

Muahahahahahahahahaha.
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The Astros began phase one of the Cubs ten year run of dominance in the NL Central by trading Billy Wagner to the Phillies for Brandon Duckworth and a pair of minor league pitchers. The media, and the sabergeeks love this trade. And, I’m not going to say it does not make some sense. The Astros have Octavio Dotel to close games at a much cheaper price and need starting pitching. They hope to reinvest their $9 million savings on a proven starter like Andy Pettitte (who will get lit up in that bandbox in Houston like the Fourth of July) or Kevin Millwood (who’s arm is scheduled to fall off in May.)

But look at it from the Cubs, and Cardinals point of view. As good as that Astros bullpen was, there was only one guy you just could not hit, and that was Wagner. He’s gone. The Astros are worse off for it.

The Cubs haven’t done a damn thing yet this offseason, and their chances of repeating are already better.

—–

I honestly have no idea how much more Bill Cartwright we need to see before he’s put out of his coaching misery. The Bulls are now 1-3 and have lost those three games by an AVERAGE of 27 points. The defense is non-existent and Steve Francis felt compelled to call out the Bulls for their horrendous offensive approach. “They’ve got a lot of talent on that team, but they don’t play five-man basketball. They take a lot of bad shots.”

Given that the Redskins are growing hilariously impatient with Steve Spurrier, maybe Paxson is waiting for him to get the axe and he’ll bring him in to coach the Bulls when he gets fired in December? Hey, could it be any worse?

Speaking of Spurrier, do we think Jerry Angelo has the stones to conduct a Spurrier-Rex Grossman reunion on the sidelines next year? You can’t possibly tell me that the best college football coach in the last 40 years can’t win in the NFL. The reason the Redskins are struggling has everything to do with a megalomaniac owner who can’t stop tinkering with the roster or the coaching staff for more than ten minutes at a time.

Look at the Redskins’ offensive talent and then at the Bears. The Redskins have one player who is clearly better than his Bears’ counterpart and that’s Lavernaeus Coles. Other than that, you’d take the current Bear starter over all of them. When you think about how bad the Bears offense is, that brings you to the reality of why Spurrier’s offense is dying.

—-

Ozzie and the Sox have one thing in common, neither has a clue.

Nice of Ozzie to prove on the first day that he has no idea how to deal with Frank Thomas.

Ozzie invited Jerry Krause to the press conference.

Ozzie is…special. In a strange way.

These Bulls are rotten from the head down.

The Bears still think they’re going to the playoffs. Huh? Do they have tickets?

A moron who fell out of Soldier Field won’t be charged with a crime. Stupidity in itself is not illegal. Just ask Jerry Reinsdorf and Kenny Williams.

Groucho on Phil Jackson.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to dive into the potential Ozzie-Frank circus.

Now all the Sox need are some players.

Ozzie might be able to convince the Alomars to return. Is this a good thing, a old, injury prone catcher and a lazy, old, second baseman? Whoo hoo! Get your season tickets! They might as well bring back Vance and Rudy Law instead.

Fun time at the old ballgame in Atlanta on Sunday. But hey, the world got to see their special teams coach call a ref a “motherf@#$er” during the game, anyway, so is this a big deal?

Jayson Stark on the Wagner trade.

The Don is coming back to the Bronx. Quick Smithers, tell him to shave those sideburns!

The Astros want Andy Pettitte.

The Mets are after Mike Cameron. He’ll fit right in to their “no hit” outfield.

Pudge is a free agent…again.

So is Fernando Vina. Gulp. One word, Jim Hendry. No!

CBS is scrapping The Reagans.

Our favorite Survivor girl, Elisabeth (Filarski) Hasselbeck is going to the join the man haters club at The View.

An Indian girl set herself on fire after being tardy to class. Man, some people will do anything to get out of detention.

Lance Armstrong dumped his wife for Sheryl Crow. Yeah, I can see that.

The world’s greatest newspaper says that an extra in the movie Ben Hur traveled back in time and died at Pompei. Well, of course.