If this keeps up, I’m going to have to start a “Celebrity Letters” section here at Desipio.

First it was Rob Neyer writing me to complain that my review of his “book” was unfair. That was priceless.

Then, a former TV sports guy named Jock Florentine’s mother wrote me to say I was cruel when I referred to him as having a “porn” name.

Then, the immortal Jim Tocco stopped by.

Just a few days ago we had the row with Chip Caray’s former college roommate.

Today, our celebrity complaint comes from ESPN play-by-play guy Dave O’Brien. Take it away, Dave.

Sent: Tuesday, November 04, 2003 7:11 PM
To: andy@desipio.com
Subject: (no subject)

Andy:
I like the Chip Caray Terror Alert System. Good comedy. If indeed YOU are responsible for that bit of wit, congrats. But your “Algonquin Roundtable” remark concerning our ESPN Division Series broadcast team is another matter.

The only game of the Boston-Oakland series we worked was Game One, roundly considered one of the best 3 or 4 playoff contests of an incredible October. The work the three of us did on that game, and that of our crew, was work to be proud of. And we, and ESPN, are proud of it. The broadcast was an “Instant Classic” and the ratings were outstanding, particularly given the late time slot of 10:00 PM. Perhaps your criteria for a solid broadcast is impossibly high, or you are a slasher-type critic, or simply a little nasty. I don’t know who you are. But by most other measuring sticks, that was a pretty good show.

I’ve broadcast major league baseball for 14 years. Aside from my ESPN schedule, which reached 114 events last year, I’ve worked 3 World Series, called five no-hitters, and play-by-play for a fairly popular video-game for 3 years. I’ve won Emmys in Georgia (Braves) and Florida (9 years with Marlins) for my work.

I also spend my baseball-season weekends calling the New York Mets with Tom Seaver, in the #1 market in America.

I’m biased, of course, but I wouldn’t call that an underwhelming resume. And we haven’t even touched the football and hoops end of it.

Andy, ESPN raised the bar here. They didn’t lower it.

Best Wishes,

Dave O’Brien

OK, so it wasn’t as entertaining as Neyer calling me an “asshole” or Jim Tocco and his “until you’ve seen 100 games” line, but it’s not without its moments.

First, let’s look at what I said about Mr. O’Brien’s announcing crew back on that crisp, October day:

Speaking of ESPN, just how hard do they have to try to consistently assemble poor baseball announcing teams? The Chris Berman-Rick Sutcliffe-Tony Gwynn troika might be the worst of all-time. Gwynn is solid, but gets lost amid Berman trying to be clever (How’s that working out for you? Being clever?) and yelling a lot, and Sutcliffe just saying stupid things. Then, their “A” team of Jon Miller and the Anti-Christ, Joe Morgan, have never met a game they can’t annihilate. When you hear Miller do Giants games on the radio you realize just how good he is. What that means is that Morgan is so incredibly bad that he makes a very good play-by-play man sound like Chip Caray’s understudy.

If the Anti-Christ were a blender he’d have two settings: a) puree a point to death until it’s a sub-liquid substance and b) “Hey, remember how good I was?”

OK, that joke suffered from me only knowing the name of one blender setting.

ESPN’s best announcing team is the not-ready-for-prime-time-Algonquin roundtable of Dave O’Brien, Jeff Brantley and David Justice. I think the names alone prove just how low the bar is.

Little does O’Brien realize, this is our version of a compliment. I clearly said he was part of “ESPN’s best announcing team”. Granted, the backhand was out when I went on to say “the names alone prove just how low the bar is,” but was there enough venom there to warrant Dave giving us his entire resume?

Perhaps the point missed here was that I was saying that the most solid broadcast team ESPN had that day was their “third string” of O’Brien, Justice and Brantley? They didn’t put them on at 10 p.m. because they wanted to showcase them, now did they? Hence the not-ready-for-primetime jab.

I like Dave O’Brien’s work, he’s not annoying, he lets the analysts talk and he’s no Chip Caray. He also just earned big bonus points for appreciating the Chip Caray Terror Alert System.

But, we have to deduct points for a) trying to get credit for being a video game broadcaster (thought I will admit, I do love High Heat Baseball 2003), and b) bragging about working with Tom Seaver. Tom played for the Mets and White Sox, which means he will rot in hell for eternity. Try not to get too close to him, Dave.

Oh, and c) for pointing out that New York is the #1 market in America. Is that why the lowest rated World Series of all time was the Mets-Yankees? Look, here in Chicago, we may not have as many people, but nobody works their TV’s like we do. That’s why entire boat loads of Fox executives were crying, curled up in the fetal position when the Cubs choked on games six and seven in the NLCS.

Oh, and d) he bragged that the Algonquin Roundtable broadcast of ALDS game on was an “Instant Classic” on ESPN Classic. So was a Northwestern-Michigan State game a couple years ago. That didn’t have anything to do with the announcers, either.

Anyway, Dave, thanks for playing. And now that we have your e-mail address, we’ll be sure to hit you up for college basketball tickets.

—-

Some days the Dose just falls into place. Intrepid reader Jeffrey Goldstein just sent me this e-mail:

Ford C. Frick Award
Starting this year, fans can select 3 of the 10 finalists for the baseball hall of fame broadcasting award.

And no joke, some of the luminaries on the ballot include Dwayne Staats, Al Hrabowsky, Ken Harrelson, Tom Paciorek, and (of course) Chip Caray. Apparently Milo’s not on the ballot because he already won. Santo, Stone, Hughes, Boudreau, and Lloyd are also on there.

So who does a loyal Desipio reader stuff the ballot box for? Santo, even though he’d never win? Chip? Skip? Anti-Christ? Someone totally obscure? I think we need to open the discussion section for suggestions.

How about Dave O’Brien? Can you imagine the emotional acceptance speech in Cooperstown next July?

I’d like to thank my parents, the guy who does my hair, Tom Seaver, the guy who curls Jeff Brantley’s mullet, and the intrepid readers of Desipio.com who stuffed the ballot box and got me here. We did it guys! Yes! Whoo-hoo! Jim Tocco sucks! Whoo-hoo!

I can only imagine.

Let’s run down some of the other eligible candidates.

Steve Blass: I have it on good authority from a Pittsburgh bathroom attendant that home plate’s not all Steve had a hard time hitting.

Lou Boudreau: Still dead.

Joe Buck: : Captain Combover could use his hilarious Sammy Sosa Corked Bat jokes to entertain the crowd. The highlight of the ceremony would be an irritated Orlando Cepeda hitting Joe over the head with his chair.

Dave Campbell: Soup could clue us in as to whether or not Mike Shannon gave him lessons in ‘how to always talk like you’re drunk.’

Chip Caray: Honesty compels me to say that if Chip is elected, Harry will come back from the dead and run Chip down with a city bus on the streets of St. Louis—just like old times.

Skip Caray: Though still believed to be living, Skip’s pulse rate is stead. At zero.

Jerry Coleman: Proof that fighter plane pilot war heroes can be even dumber than the rest of us. Jerry, a great man, and the most unintentionally hilarious broadcaster of all time. I might actually vote for him.

Fran Healy: Sounds a little bit like one of those foul tips in the dirt may have knocked his testicles up into his abdomen.

Al Hrabosky: I’m not exaggerating when I say that the most tragic thing about the game six collapse was another year of Al’s hilarious “since the last time the Cubs won a World Series” schtick. Al is a sad, bitter old man. But then he lives in St. Louis, so he’s not alone.

Pat Hughes: I think, when all is said and done, that Pat is the best play-by-play guy working in the majors right now. In fact, I feel pretty confident saying that.

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper: My absolute favorite pair of announcers in baseball. Sure Duane’s got the lounge singer voice going, but he’s very good and very sharp and Krukow is just funny as hell. Krukow’s a former Cub, so he’s got that going for him, and Kuiper hit the only homer of his career off Steve Stone. Sorry, Dave, they did the voice work for the best-selling baseball video game of the year for EA Sports.

Vince Lloyd: I grew up on Vince and Lou and had no idea how good I had it. He’s still dead, too.

Tom Paciorek: Once was offered pizza by Wimpy at The Redwoods near Comiskey. This was a couple months after he revealed that he and his brothers were sexually abused by a priest when they were altar boys. I was there with my friend Wheels after a Sox loss to the Tigers (hee hee) and his mom and one of her friends showed up. I’ll give Wimpy credit, he didn’t have sex with Wheels’ mom (he was probably the only one, though) but he did hit on her friend pretty hard. This friend was the same woman of whom our friend Joe kept saying, “She’s how old? Oh, who cares!”

Jay Randolph : Isn’t he in the USFL Hall of Fame?

Ted Robinson : Went to Notre Dame, knows way too much about tennis.

Jerry Remy : Uh…no.

Jack Quinlan : Another former Cubs radio guy. He’s still dead, too.

Ron Santo : Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Mike Shannon : “And there’s a line drive to shortstop. He throws to second, and no..wait, ball two.”

Ulpiano Cos Villa: I just like to write Ulpiano Cos Villa.

Ron Fairly: Chip once credited Ron with teaching him the business. That’s enough to not only keep Ron out of the Hall, but I think I can get Tom Ridge to deport his ass.

Ed Farmer: The Tylenol PM of baseball.

Hawk Harrellson: “Put me in the Hall! No!”

Rick Manning: Only if he brings Dennis Eckersley’s ex-wife to the ceremony.

Tim McCarver: I’d like to bounce a “tightly wrapped slider” off his noggin.

Al Michaels: When was the last time he did baseball, 1989? God tried to kill him in an earthquake to make him stop.

Rick Monday: Makes Ron Santo sound like Alan Greenspan.

Dave Niehaus: See, Ron Fairly. We’re coming to get you! You did this to us! You gave us Chip!

Dwayne Staats: Left the Cubs for fame and fortune and eventually getting fired by Big Stein.

John Sterling: Puh-om-pus-ass! Puh-uh-uh-ompass-ass!

Hey, that was fun. So it’s down to working to get Dave O’Brien in the Hall or having Ron Fairly and Dave Niehaus deported. Hell, let’s do both.

—-

Speaking of simps, David Huh on the first half of the Bears season. Can you tell I’m not a real David Huh fan? I yelled at him on the radio yesterday morning. I normally save that for Hub.

Huh doesn’t think the Bears have any Pro Bowlers on the team. What, like Pete Webber?

Huh with his surprises and disapointments. Here’s mine.

Surprise
David Huh no longer covering Notre Dame for the South Bend Tribune! Yay!

Disappointment
David Huh now covering the Bears for the Chicago Tribune. Excuse me while I drive a nail through my forehead with a Converse All-Star.

This just in: The Bulls are still bad.

Tyson Chandler says he got his weak back about a week back. Rimshot, please!

The Sox are looking for cheap players. What’s new?

Rick Morrissey says Ozzie Guillen proved he’s a dope on day one.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to call for the ouster of Mr. Bill. No surprise there. The surprise? He wants Doug Collins. Guh. Haven’t we already seen this movie?

The mighty fighting Huskies of NIU just got bowl aspirations back.

Bob Klapisch on Andy Pettitte’s decision to stay in New York and win pennants, or go home to Houston and be humid.

Screw Richie Sexson (not literally), Todd Helton’s on the market. Giddy up!

Some Atlanta Dope wants the Braves to trade a Jones. Which one? Cleon? I’ll take either Druw or Larry Wayne. Hey, we’ve got Hooters up here!

Luis Castillo can’t file for free agency because he’s got too many agents. Huh? And check out the note that Cookie Rojas might replace Ozzie Guillen in Florida. Jack McKeon is trying to hire the only guy in the world older than him.

No s@#$: check out the headline on this one.

Tom Verducci says it’ll be hard to trade A-Rod. No kidding. Really?

David Letterman’s a dad. Harry Joseph Letterman was born on Monday night. Dave had baby photos on the air last night.

Honestly, I just don’t think they promoted “Skin” enough. Choke, choke, cough, cough.

Sounds like Mark Chmura’s throwing parties again!

A Paris Hilton sex video is going to pop up on the Internet. Just one?

NBC admits that most of their shows suck.

Pink wants to make out with Madonna. Who hasn’t?

Boris Becker admits he knocked up a woman in a bathroom while his wife was in the hospital with labor contractions. 40-Love, Boris?

Women athletes perform better after sex. With each other, most likely.

America’s finest news source says that Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham just assumed everybody knew he used to make pornos.