You might get two of these today, and if you do, well just feel fortunate. For what you pay for this high-brow entertainment, you are lucky get anything.

Or something.

As the NFL Network tried to ply my attention on 212 and an NBA doubleheader hovered over channel 245, I was welded on Survivor last night. And it wasn’t half bad.

So let’s get to it.

Previously on Survivor: Both the Morgan and Drake tribes crapped their shipwrecked pants when the six ousted Survivors showed up to compete in an immunity challenge. The Outcasts won, meaning one member from both tribes had to go home and two previously ousted competitors were to be let back in. Masseuse Nicole was back in her tight little blue dress and I was happy. Osten wouldn’t let Morgan vote anybody out because he quit. Anal Probst nearly attacked Osten with his torch at the Tribal Council. CBS didn’t let Osten have his “final words” and Anal didn’t say, “The Tribe has spoken,” instead, he said, “You can go.” Man, that’s a bit harsh. Drake voted out Shawn, even though they all hated John. Go figure.

Last night’s show began with the Outcast tribal council. No, not the rap group, that’s Outkast. Hey, did anybody else see the Democratic Presidential Candidate Debate on Tuesday night on CNN? It was an MTV/CNN co-sponsored Rock the Vote debate. Anderson Cooper hosted it, and I think I figured out right away that John Edwards is the Mole. Before we get back to Survivor, I have to muse a little about the debate.

– Since it was geared for college kids, the candidates decided to “dress hip.” John Kerry wore a blue dress shirt and no suit coat or tie. General Wesley Clark wore a Mike Brey turtleneck. John Edwards went with the no tie look, but did wear a suit coat. Carol Mosely Braun wore a bright red mumu. But then everything’s a mumu on big Carol. Al Sharpton wore a suit and his good wig.

Send in the clowns!

The most hilarious get-up was on frontrunner and hopelessly stiff Howard Dean. He rolled up his sleeves, but he didn’t do the normal way. He didn’t roll them up about halfway up his forearm. No, he went right above the elbow. It made him look like he was either working at an ice cream social or like he dropped his cell phone in the toilet before the debate and went in after it.

Joe Lieberman wasted yet another opportunity to connect with young voters by not making a bigger deal out of the fact that he’s really Senator Palpatine

Who is, of course Emperor Palpatine.

If you’re going to run as a Democrat, you might as well just go a little further left and run on the Empire ticket.

Or, you can just run as the Lego version of yourself.

In the debate, Mosley Braun reminded us why we all voted her ass out of Illinois when she couldn’t even answer the stupid, “Do you use a Mac or a PC?” question right. She said, “Well, I have a PC, but my son has a Mac!” We all know the correct answer is Mac, because it’s easier to manage your porn collection on.

Howard Dean got shat on by everybody on the stage for a comment he made that he wanted to get the votes of the guys in the south “with the Confederate flags on their pick up trucks.”

We all know he meant to say he wanted the vote of the southern guys with the Confederate flag on their Dodge Charger.

And really, did anybody know Dennis Kuchinic of Ohio was running for president? Of the United States? Does he even know that?

Anyway…back to Survivor. At the Outcast Tribal Council, Anal asks each of the formerly ousted tribemembers to say why they should be let back in the game.

Nicole (our big boobied masseuse) said, “I got voted out for being a bad apple, and I vow to kick some ass when I get back in there.” She also vowed to be naked a lot.

Lillian said, “I want to show those SOBs that I’m tough.” And, I need some more scout badges.

Trish said, “I never my eye off why I am here. I will make sure an Outcast wins.” Sure, whatever. Go away.

Michelle said, “There’s no better way to kick those assholes (really, she said that) in the face than with the sweet little girl.” Plus, she’s cute.

Ryan said, “I love the game.” Go away, loser.

Burton said, “I’m the most competitive person I know. I vow I will never lie to the other Outcast who gets back in.”

We get to see who some of them vote for. Ryan votes for Lillian because he’s a loser. Trish votes for Burton, and the same woman who spelled Rupert “R-U-B-E-R-T” had spelled Burton “B-U-R-D-O-N” and then went back and changed the b to a t. What the hell is with her and her B’s? Is her name Tbish?

Lillian voted for Ryan. Creepy. We didn’t get to see who Nicole voted for, but I hope she voted for herself twice. Michelle voted for Nicole.

When the votes were read, everybody got one vote. But Burton and Lillian (Lillian? God, why?) got three votes and are back in. Nicole and creepy little Ryan each ended up with two. Who are the two other morons (besides Ryan) who voted for Lillian. It had to be people who thought by voting for her they wouldn’t accidentally cost themselves a spot back in the game.

It’s sort of like during my senior year in high school when we voted for the basketball team captain and I got the most votes and yet, when our prick of a head coach counted them, I lost. Hmm. How’d that happen?

Alas, Nicole is not back in the game. This is a travesty.

Sigh.

Instead, we get a few more weeks of this.

Blecch.

Lillian gets to reach into a tube and pull out a buff. That will determine what tribe she’ll go to. Burton will go to the other one. She pulls out a Morgan buff, meaning that both she and Burton will be going back to their old tribe.

At Drake, Sandra says, “I hope Burton’s not coming back.”

Oops.

Here he is!

Rupert says he’s glad Burton’s back because he’s happy. He was worried Burton would come back and be mad at them. Uh, Rupe, I think he’s mad.

Everybody starts apologizing for voting Burton out. They’re all screwed.

Burton tells the camera, “I don’t know if they’re kissing my ass or if they really are happy to see me.” Yeah, Burt…they’re kissing your ass.

At Morgan, Lillian apologizes for coming back. That’s the spirit! They all tell her they love her and Andy Suitcoat says when they voted her out it was like losing a family member.

Lil’s not buying any of it.

In the morning, Rupert talks to Burton in private and lets him know that he voted for him because Burton “made fun of my dress and you laughed at my plumber’s crack.” Very mature. Burton apologizes. And then yanks Rupert’s dress off and kicks sand all over it. OK, that last part didn’t happen.

Rupert tells Burton that they need to get rid of Johnny Fair Play at the next Tribal Council. Burton’s surprised it won’t be him. Uh…Burton…it can’t be you. How many times does Anal have to remind you that you and Lil have immunity for a week?

At Morgan, Lil can’t believe what a dump the place has become. Andy Suitcoat tries to make her feel guilty for coming back to the game. He’s feeding her crap about how hard it’s been and how unfair it is that they lost a person to bring her back. First, Osten quit and second, Andy Suitcoat is ripping on Lil, while wearing the poncho that she gave him. Class.

At Drake, we get a shot of Christy sucking on a lemon. Really.

At Morgan, they cook up the last of their rice. Andy Suitcoat says that food “has gone from critical to dire.” Oh, shut up.

They head to the immunity challenge and Anal asks them if they’re counting on a merger. We all figured out last week that the merger couldn’t be more than one more show away. They gave Lil and Burton immunity knowing that the tribes would merge before either tribe could gang up on the returnee and send them home.

Anal tells them the merger is now. He breaks out the new buffs and Johnny Fair Play is a little too exicited that they new ones are black.

The immunity challenge is now for individual immunity and Anal shows off the new idol. It’s a very gay looking sword and scabbard. The challenge consistes of a keelhauling race. Huh? Never mind.

All you need to know is that Rupert gets to start in a heat against Johnny Fair Play, Christy and Sandra. That seems fair. He and John advance, though John barely beats Christy.

Burton and Ryan win their heat against Lil and Andrew. Andrew finishes dead last. Perhaps his suitcoat holds his mystical powers and without it, in the water he was powerless?

Burton wins immunity (which is redundant) by edging out Rupert at the end of the finals. Burton dons the gay sword and it’s important that you see the notes I wrote down immediately after this occurrence.

“Burton can give immunity to another player. If he’s not a dumbass he’ll give it to Rupert. Drakes needs to vote Suitcoat off immediately.”

Back at their new home at Drake, they all get to feast on wine and food and no doubt they’ll get drunk and get the runs! Great.

Andy Suitcoat and cute little Tijuana and creepy bearded Ryan decide right away they need to get rid of Johnny Fair Play.

However, Burton knows that Lillian hates the rest of Morgan and that she cried when she pulled that buff and had to go back. He tells Rupert they can get her and start picking off the Morgan losers.

Andy Suitcoat tells Lillian they need to vote out Johnny Fair Play, but he can tell Lil is turning on him. He goes into lawyer mode and tries to convince her to vote with them. She correctly tells him, “there’s nobody in our tribe that you would vote out over me.” Andy Suitcoat knows he’s screwed. He says, “Will you at least tell us if you’re voting with us?” She gets out her knife and plunges it into his chest with, “Sure. Just like when you said you’d ‘get back to me’ on who we were voting for the night you voted me off.” Ouch!

Tijuana knows that Andy Suitcoat is about to take a long walk off a short pier.

At Tribal Council, Burton gives immunity to Rupert. It’s purely symbolic, since Burton has immunity anyway, and it’s very smart.

The voting starts and Andrew votes for Johnny Fair Play.

Johnny Fair Play skips up to the voting platform (really, really gay skipping) and in his “best” Randy Macho Man Savage voice tells the camera why he voted for Andy Suitcoat Savage.

We also see that Christa (or Christy, or whatever the hell her gawky name is) votes for Andrew.
Tijuana votes for John. So it’s up to Lillian.

Anal starts to read the votes. The first is for Andrew, then one for John. Then four more for Andrew. It’s five to one and Johnny Fair Play starts grinning. He even makes a “whew, I’m safe” gesture. Then he gets another vote for him…and another…and another. His smirk is gone, but then Anals says the “next Tribemember voted out of the game is…” and it has to be, and is Andrew.

Andrew is smug and defiant in his final words. But now he’s off to the hotel to shower and shave and go back to looking like Dan Majerle.

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I’ll touch on the NFL Network in a future column, but let’s just say that it’s been on for two days and already, I have no idea how I ever lived without it. It’s like NBA-TV, only it’s watchable! Who knew?

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Jim Hendry took a couple weeks to suffer and now he’s moving on and getting ready to make the 2004 Cubs even better.

I’ll be honest with you I’m not over it. In fact, it actually bothers me more now than it did when it happened. Five freakin’ outs. The realization that it could be a decade or two before they get back that close again. I’m still pissed off. I have a feeling I’ll just get progressively more pissed off about it until spring training comes. There are times that I hate that I love the Cubs. This is definitely one of those times. Not that there’s anything I can do about it. I reached that point of no return in the early ’80s. I’m screwed. They’ll torment me until I die. Sigh.

Bladderless Ron Santo is going to start golfing again.

Rosey wastes a lot of time on hockey, but then gets to some good stuff. He says the Cubs and Yankees are after LaTroy Hawkins and that LaTroy wants three years, $12 million. I’ll go get the contract written up, somebody get Hendry on the other line.

Rick Morrissey on the laconic Eddy Curry.

Ed Sherman says that Jerry Krause is just another radio scumbag now.

I love Tyson Chandler. There, I said it.

David Huh says Nick Saban is getting testy about this talk about him coaching the Bears. I don’t blame him. He’s got more talent at LSU.

John Jackson on the NFL and on the NFL Network. He likes it too. What’s not to like. By the way, when they get an MLB Network, I’m demanding a show. Who do I send a memo to about this?

The guy charged with killing Dernell Stenson is from Harvey. Well, looks like they’ve moved up from attacking umpires.

Big Stein wants Curt Schilling. Hey, he can take David Wells’ spot in the buffet line.

The Yankees are going after Luis Castillo (as are the Cubs) and will either trade Soriano or move him to the outfield. But we already knew that.

The Mets are after Keith Foulke. That means the White Sox are going to be stuck with Billy Koch. Hee hee.

Lee Mazzili is the new Orioles manager. Big whup.

Groucho wonders if Doc Rivers is about to quit.

Andy Katz’s perm thinks Mizzou could go to the Final Four.

Sports Guy’s NFL picks.

Hey, I want to go to Penn State!

When asked how he managed to sleep with his wife for eight years and not have sex with her, he said, “Our sex had never been better. Her dying was just the right turn on!” Or something.

Playing games at work is good for you! See! We do you a service with some of our Bonus Links at Desipio Insider. Remember that.

X-tina always wanted to be a nun, until she found out what “nun” meant.

Paris Hilton’s lawyers are trying to stop her sex tape from hitting the Internet. Her defense is that she will eventually have sex with every man in the world, so why should we get to watch her do it on the ‘net?

The world’s greatest newspaper with a story on litter boxes for humans.