I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that yesterday’s Bears-Lions game was the worst football game of the year. In fact, it’s the worst game I’ve seen from start to finish since the wondrous Dave Wannstedt era. It wasn’t just because the Bears lost, because frankly, had they won, it wouldn’t have improved the quality any.

It was a combination of many things.

1) The teams combined for TWO plays of more than 20 yards. Scotty Anderson had the longest play with a 27 yard catch and Marty Booker had a 23 yarder. That was it.

2) The Lions kicked a field goal in every quarter, and no more, and won.

3) The Bears didn’t get a first down until the second quarter. The Lions only had two in the first quarter and one was on a five-yard defensive holding penalty.

4) Brian Baldinger was not involved in the commentary, and that always takes away from the potential comedic aspect.

5) The longest rush of the day for the Lions was wide receiver Reggie Swinton, who took an end around NINE yards. Nine. The longest Bears run from scrimmage was 17 yards by Anthony Thomas, but on his other 20 rushes he gained a ludicrous 44 yards.

6) ESPN.com wouldn’t let me change my fantasy lineup on Tuesday, so I ended up forgetting and had Trent Green (300+ yards and three TDs) on the bench (with Donovan McNabb starting–yikes) and I missed Desmond Clark’s touchdown, too. OK, that only matters to me. But still.

7) Paul Edinger got a field goal blocked and shanked one, even though Curt Menefee tried to remind him that he’s the most accurate kicker in the NFL since he came into the league four years ago.

8) Each team had the ball for exactly thirty minutes and zero seconds. You can look it up.

9) In the NFL, unlike college football, they take sack yardage out of the team passing total instead of the team (and quarterback’s) rushing total. That creates a unique stat to the NFL called “gross passing yardage.” At 149 yards, I’d say the Bears total was indeed “gross.”

And, I could go on. But I’m getting queasy. So I will not go on.

At the end of the game, I was left with a similar queasiness, and that queasiness signalled two things:
a) Pouring hot sauce over still frozen breaded chicken breasts and then baking them is a great idea, but using expired ranch dressing on them is not.
b) I don’t dislike Dick Jauron at all. In fact, I like him. But he has to go. He has shown incomprehensible devotion to his completely inept coordinators, John Shoop (offensive–you bet he’s offensive) and Greg Blache (defensive–he’s very defensive). The entire coaching aparatus needs to be upgraded.

Did you know, that the last time the Bears hired a head coach with previous NFL head coaching experience was 1956 when George Halas let John (Paddy) Driscoll coach the team for two years? Halas replaced Paddy with…himself after the 1958 season.

It might be time to break that horrendous streak of hiring naive incompetents as head coaches. Just a thought.

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OK, let’s get this straight. The night after losing to Philly by 25 points, the Bulls went to New Orleans to take on a team that just beaten the Lakers the night before and who had the best record in the Eastern Conference. The Bulls had to play without Tyson Chandler and benched Jamal Crawford and Jalen Rose, and they won. Huh? They won?

Not only did they win, they played well, Crawford and Rose led the way off the bench and both of them played the final 12 minutes. Hey, that was pretty cool!

And then both Rose and Crawford bitched about not starting. Here’s a team that went 3-38 on the road last year and so far this year they’re 2-1 away from the United Center. Perhaps Messrs. Crawford and Rose don’t quite see the big picture.

It’s the ultimate in selfishness to complain about not starting a game. Good players want to be on the floor, and so if a guy gets his minutes cut, he’s going to complain. That’s fine. But Crawford and Rose played just as much as they would have had they started.

Bill Cartwright’s done some dumb stuff, but this was not part of it. This one’s squarely on Jamal and Jalen. The coach made the right move and the players made it work out. And yet, they complained about it. I’d tell Jalen and Jamal to cram their selfishness in a sack, but they don’t make sacks that size. Well, maybe Santa has one…but he’s probably the only guy.

There are so many “Santa has a huge sack” jokes, that I won’t make any of them.

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You know it had to just kill Tim Floyd to look out on the court Saturday night and see his old, bad team, beating his new, good team. Personally, I found it kind of funny. But that’s just me.

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There are some actual college basketball games this week, and I don’t mean tomorrow’s West Alabama at Southern Miss game (7 p.m., Hattiesburg, Mississippi—be there), or the big Northwest Nazarene at Portland State clash on Friday.

Marquette plays St. John’s on Thursday and Alabama (current basketball coach Mike Gottfried) goes to Pittsburgh (former football coach Mike Gottfried) on Friday. So the “real” season’s not here just yet. But it’s closing in.

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The general managers meetings in Phoenix started yesterday and Jim Hendry gets the unique opportunity to meet face-to-face with several other GMs while simulataneously talking to another one on his cell phone.

Normally, the GM meetings don’t produce many trades, but they set the groundwork for all of the stuff that happens a month from now at the “Winter Meetings.”

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NBA expert Matt Turvey sent in this interesting note from an article on an Aussie Web site.

“North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is a big basketball fan and recently built an $80 million, 12,300-seat arena in the national capital Pyongyang, but Kim has tweaked the rules to customise his own version of the sport. Back in 1997, North Korea introduced its own scoring system. Baskets made in the final two seconds are worth eight points, dunks are three points, shots made from beyond 21 feet (6.4 metres) are four points and so are three-pointers that don’t touch the rim. And a point is deducted for every missed free throw.”

You’ve got to love Kim Jong Il, don’t you? I’m a big fan of the eight point shots, and the extra point for a “swished” three pointer. But given how much of this is dependent on the referee’s, don’t you suspect Kim executes a lot of them?

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Rosey’s not-so-rosy take on the Bears.

David Huh’s article had the headline “Roadblock to the postseason.” More accurately it should have read “Big leak in Bears pipedream.” Did anybody really think the Bears would go 6-2 in their last eight games? Come, on. Really?

When does Marty Booker come back? Oops.

Brad Maynard has sucked for about 34 straight games now. That’s a lot.

John Paxson met for 30 minutes with Jalen and Jamal. I’d have met with them for about 30 seconds or however long it would have taken them to come in, sit down and for me to say, “Shut the f@#$ up, and get out of my office.”

Groucho’s been eating paint chips again.

Groucho also thinks the NBA is playing favorites with it’s schedule. Nah…ya think? You mean it’s strange for the Lakers to play Denver nine times in 14 days (all in Denver) during the time of Kobe’s trial? OK, that part’s not true.

See, Jim McMahon is more like Mike Ditka than he wants to admit.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and tries to flog Dick Jauron to death with a spatula. Or something.

The only question now is who gets fired first, Jauron or Wanny? Given that Wanny’s in the eastern time zone, I say he gets it an hour before Dick does…the Monday after the season ends.

Peter Gammons says the teams willing and able to spend money this offseason is not a big number. He says this, “the Cubs don’t have a lot of wiggle room.” Thirty-six million dollars…in a depressed market isn’t a lot of wiggle room? Stephen Hawking doesn’t do this much wiggling, Pete.

Kellen Winslow, Jr. is strange. But then again, so his is dad. Remember when Kellen, Sr. demanded that his kid go to a college with a black head coach? So, what color is Butch Davis, anyway?

Spanish-yes.com says the White Sox fans who “executed” Dernell Stenson did it while trying to steal his SUV.

Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.

The Post says that the Astros and Red Sox will be the teams bidding against the Yankees for Andy Pettite. The Cubs are just hoping that Felix Heredia is available. I’m kidding. I hope.

The Marlins will make offers to Pudge and Luis Castillo, but they don’t really expect to keep them. Oh, that’s nice.

The Orioles are hot to trot for Vlad Guerrero. Who can blame them?

Theo Epstein and his new haircut are going to be busy this week.

The Mavs have no plans to trade Michael Finley. Yet.

Bonny Prince Charlie swears he’s not gay. I believe him. Nah, I don’t.

Charles’ boyfriend, Camilla Parker Bowles says his Charlie would “never do that.”

Apparently Internet porn is killing magazine porn. Really, you don’t say?

China has built a Panda biscuit factory. No, they aren’t making biscuits out of the pandas. They’re making them for the Pandas. Jeesh.

So, how was your wedding, darling?

Rod Stewart’s exes say he liked to wear their underwear. Yeah, tell us something we didn’t already know.

Moron Prince Charles.

Britney cancelled on the European MTV Video Awards when her boyfriend dumped her to go back to his pregnant wife. That Britney, she can pick ’em, can’t she?

Paris Hilton might be sued for claiming that in her soon-to-be infamous sex tape, that the guy forced her to have sex with him while she was “nearly unconscious.” She looks like she’s always nearly unconscious. I can’t believe Brian Urlacher didn’t stay with her. She’s a lovely girl.

The world’s greatest newspaper says that Osama has cloned Hitler. Look out!