Most guys look at NFL Sundays as their time away from the kids, and the wife and a chance for it to be all about them, their big screen TV and six and a half hours of pure football.

I don’t have a wife, the judge hasn’t ruled on if I have any kids yet and I spend my Sundays on the couch, pen in hand writing down pithy observations to entertain all of you. Yes, I’m quite a martyr.

Given the longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates of Desipio World Headquarters there’s always an emphasis on the Bears game on any given weekend. It was absolute torture yesterday.

The Fox pregame show started with a horribly cheesy “Master and Commander” introduction. They used clips from the upcoming Russell Crowe fighting boat movie to get us fired up about the Tampa Bay-Carolina matchup. Yeah, it didn’t work.

Then, James Brown tied to tie in the movie with Veteran’s Day (tomorrow–observed by banks and school kids today). I had no idea that the British Royal Navy gets to take today off, too. JB did have a good line when he said that he’ll call Jimmy Johnson “commander but not…”

Joe Buck opens the segment where they go around to all of the play-by-play guys, with a hilarious Liza Minelli joke. Oh, that Joe, he’s a real scamp, isn’t he? Next week he hopes to tie in a Liza Minelli joke with a Sammy Sosa cork bat joke. Oh, it’ll be great. But, Joe redeems himself a little when he uses the cheesy “fantasy pick” portion of the segment to give Fox a reason to show the “dancing Grammatica elves” clip from last year. A little redemption. Not a lot. A little.

Dick Stockton’s combover is in Washington and he has late breaking news that the Seahawks will be “wearing white pants today!” Repeat! The Seahawks will be wearing white pants! Alert the affiliates, the Seahawks are wearing white pants! After Labor Day? What a faux pas.

Curt Menefee is in Detroit, which means Brian Baldinger is not. I’m so depressed by this that I don’t listen to Curt.

Kenny Albert is in San Diego (that’s where Baldy is, then). Kenny tells us that his toupee is on “high alert for wild fires”. He picks Doug Flutie as his “fantasy pick” and Fox plays that “Hey Mr. Fantasy” song. It immediately brings to mind those very funny NFL Network promos with Rich Eisen that have been running 42 times an hour on the NFL Network. The best one is a collage of Rich sitting in a whirlpool (in his suit) reading the paper, using the machine that throws footballs to Torry Holt, checking out the replay machine for the refs and helping judge the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader tryouts, followed by the tagline, “Being Rich doesn’t suck.” All the while that tune plays. Good stuff. I love the NFL Network. Have I mentioned that yet?

Howie Long says that if the Tampa Bay Bucs can get healthy, they’re the best team in football. Wrong.

Terry Bradshaw laughs at him, but then Terry says the best team in the NFC is Dallas. That causes Jimmy to spit coffee all over the set. Jimmy reminds TB that the Bucs “killed” Dallas two weeks ago.

Frank Caliendo’s career death spiral continues with him doing a very bad, and very untimely Andy Rooney impersonation. Once again, Frank is making Jimmy Kimmel look like a comedic genius.

Over on ESPN, Chris Berman is bellowing at John Madden. There’s no question that the two most uncomfortable minutes of TV every week is the Stu Scott-Madden exchange during Monday Night Countdown, and I think ESPN does that segment just to make the Berman-Madden one look comprehendable by contrast. Madden is in an empty Lambeau Field and I turn it off before he can begin the Brett Favre bootlicking.

On Fox, they have just begun the Favre butt kissing.

Blah, blah, blah, he’s got a broken thumb, blah, blah, blah. They don’t call OxyContin “hillbilly heroin” for nothing, folks.

TB is excited because he’s going to quote from Macbeth, but he butchers it and ends up with “something wicked to you will come.” Every Jason Robards/Ray Bradbury fan in America knows the line is “something wicked this way comes.” Oh, well.

CBS is reporting on their little ticker crawl thing where Jay Glazer lives, that Steve Spurrier will hand over the playcalling today to Hue Jassman. I think Bart Simpson wrote it. Wait, is it Hugh Jackman? Wolverine? Oh, it’s Hue Jackson. I have no idea.

The aforementioned Glazer makes an actual appearance on the show, and interviews embattled Falcons coach Dan Reeves. (It just sounds so cool to say ’embattled.’) Reeves says the Falcons problems are “more than just the quarterback.” Gee, ya think? Reeves also says he thought it was silly that Falcons owner Arthur Blank took out a full page ad in the Atlanta Journal Constitution to apologize to season ticket holders for the team being so lousy. Reeves says, “I thought we were all trying to win. So if you’re trying, why do you need to apologize?”

Glazer asks Reeves about his coaching future and rumors that Deion Sanders wants to coach the Falcons. “A lot of former players have no clue,” Dan responds. “I guarantee he can’t walk in and coach the Falcons like I can.”

Back on the set, Deion whips out a piece of paper and gives us some facts. He says that Atlanta is 50-58 under Reeves and that Dan is 82-92 the last ten years. He then smiles and says, “I guarantee I can’t coach like you.”

Boomer Esiason reminds Deion that coaches have to go to lots of meetings and, “We had a big meeting yesterday, and guess who wasn’t there? Deion Sanders.”

Deion says that people told him he couldn’t play two sports and he did it, people told him he couldn’t do TV and he did it and then says, “maybe I should just run for governor of Georgia?”

On Fox, Jimmy is pretending to write an e-mail to Daniel Snyder with his reccomendations for fixing the Redskins. He tells Danny to leave his coach alone before he runs him off like he did Norv Turner and Marty Schottenheimer. He tells him to act more like Wayne Huizinga and Jerry Jones (huh?) and let the coaches coach. He tells Snyder to stop signing all those free agents and screwing up the salary cap and to be patient.

He then tells the guys on the set that Steve Spurrier’s the best play caller in football and that it doesn’t make any sense for him to give that up. Then, Jimmy calls somebody “Frank.”

I even went back on the TiVo, he just throws out a “Frank” to nobody. I have no idea.

On ESPN, Andrea Kramer’s bug eyes are scaring Dick Vermeil and he’s crying. He and Trent Green reveal that before every game, they tell each other, “I love you.” That’s creepy. Steve Young responds by pretending to think back wistfully. “I’m just thinking back on all the times George Seifert told me he loved me,” Young jokes.

It’s gametime!

Curt Mennefee is joined by Tim Green. Tim’s boring and not as funny as Baldy, but his hair is hilarious. It looks like he’s trying to get cast as the lead in the Lorenzo Lamas story.

The Fox A-team of Buck, Cris Collinsworth and Troy Aikman are in Carolina for the Panthers and Bucs. My favorite underrated CBS team of Don Criqui and Steve Tasker have drawn the short straw again, fresh off a Bengals-Cardinals clash, they’re in Cincinnati again for the Bengals-Texans. Ouch.

Mennefee tells us that the Bears have lost the last eight coin tosses. Hey…great? Also, their 11 straight “current consecutive” road losses (huh? current consecutive?) are second only to Detroit’s 20 straight. Yeah, this is going to be great.

The Lions get off to a grand start and call timeout with 14:48 left in the FIRST QUARTER!

In Cincinnati, Criqui tells us that 63 percent of teams who scored first in the NFL this year won the game, and that Cincinnati has yet to score first in a game. Fascinating.

Even more fascinating is that on the same play, the Texans have two defensive linemen hurt. Tasker says, “Oh, this is bad.”

You have no idea, Steve.

On the NFL Network, they’re showing a very cool thing called “Redzone”, it’s a stat breakdown of every game with the Sporting News Radio game day show audio. Very nice. I should tell you sometime about how much I love the NFL Network.

At 12:11 p.m. Central Standard Time, every Fox game is at commercial. Weird.

Curt Mennefee tells us that the starting secondary for the Lions has 42 years of NFL experience. Yikes.

In Carolina, Brad Johnson has just thrown a TD pass to Mike Minter! Wait, Mike Minter is a Panther.

In Detroit, we’ve had 12 plays and four punts. Wow.

Nope. Make that 18 plays and six punts, now. At this rate, both teams will need to go to the bullpen for a relief punter.

I don’t know what the temperature in Charlotte is, but Panthers injured running back Stephen Davis is dressed as Nanook of the North.

John Kasay (pronounced Casey, although my brother had him on his fantasy team on year and enjoyed referring to him as Kuh-say) has made his 20th straight field goal and it’s 10-0. Wait, if he’s made 20 field goals, shouldn’t it be 60-0 at least? Oh, I guess those 20 straight are on the season. Whoops!

In Detroit, Mennefee tells us that Brian Urlacher has “the sniffles.” The sniffles? He’s a linebacker. they don’t get “the sniffles.”

The Lions get a first down on a pass to Scotty Anderson. Gee, that only took the two teams 28 plays from scrimmage!

Jason Hanson, who has not made 20 in a row, kicks a field goal to make it 3-0 Detroit. In this game, that’s an insurmountable lead.

The Bears have a third and two and the A-Train runs for a first down…but Aaron Gibson is called for holding. I guess that first down can wait until the second quarter.

In Carolina, it’s still 10-0 and Collinsworth has cranked his red ass up to full, and he’s accusing the Bucs of “not wanting it.”

EUREKA! With 14:30 left in the second quarter, Dustin Lyman has caught a first down pass from Chris Chandler. That’s embarassing.

Paul Mr. Ed(inger) makes a 44 yard field goal and we’re tied in Detroit at three. Suddenly, it’s an offensive explosion.

Tim Green wonders aloud if, at 375 pounds, Aaron Gibson can be called “light on his feet.” Probably not.

The Lions fake a punt and Nick Harris (who?) throws a pass to Bracy Walker that would have been a first down except Bears safety Bobby Gray makes a great play and bats it out of Walker’s hands at the last moment. The Bears get the ball at the Lions 37. If they can’t score here, it’s hopeless.

Hopeless becomes reality when Dez White is called for offensive pass interference. That’s redundant for Dez, because his bad hands interfere with dozens of passes every year.

On third and 15, the Bears throw an eight yard pass to Desmond Clark. Typical.

Mr. Ed’s 48 yard field goal attempt is blocked.

In Kansas City we’ve got pandelerium. Browns punter Chris Gardocki’s punt takes a funny bounce and it looks like it hits Chiefs player William Bartee. The Browns recover and after some discussion, the referees give the ball to the Chiefs. On the first CBS replay the ball clearly hits Bartee. But on the second one, it just as clearly does not. Huh? Dan Dierdorf agrees with me that the ball didn’t hit Bartee, so now I’m uncomfortable, because I enjoy disagreeing with Dierdorf.

Dick Enberg thinks that the ball must have hit Bartee because you can see Chiefs punt returner Dante Hall freak out when he thinks it hit him. Uhh…let’s not go by the reactions of the players, eh Dick?

The call stands as a fumble recovery, but I’m not buying it.

In Detroit, Tim Green says that if there been one thing that has plagued Joey Harrington, it’s interceptions. Gee, ya think? He only leads the league in them.

Hanson kicks another field goal and it’s 6-3 Detroit. How exciting!

In Carolina a Todd Sauerbrun punt hits Bucs defensive back Dwight Smith but the Bucs recover it. So in two games within five minutes two punts hit their own players. You don’t see that every day.

The Bears are driving late in the half in Detroit (no, really) and with 2:10 to go, Dez White catches a pass and falls down. He lays on the ground, not two feet from the sideline, but does not roll over to get out of bounds to stop the clock. Sigh.

The Bears have first and ten on the Lions 40 at the two minute warning. No way they can screw this up, right?

Guh. The Bears run a weird fake pass draw to the great Rabih Abdullah for a loss of three.

They’re punting now.

This Bears-Lions game is the early leader in the clubhouse for both worst and most boring game of 2003.

At halftime in New York, the Falcons are winning, even though starting quarterback Kurt Kittner is 4-13 for 23 yards. Wow.

The Bears have six wide receivers dressed for the game (Marty Booker, Dez White, David Terrell, Bobby Gray, Justin Gage and Ahman Merritt) but they are playing like they don’t have any.

Get ready for these halftime stats.

Rushing yards:
Chicago 14
Detroit 16

Wow.

Curt says, “It’s always a big deal when Anthony Thomas comes back to the Michigan area.” “Michigan area?” It’s a state! A big one. That’s a very large “area.”

Tim tells us that Detroit has FIVE defensive backs who were released by other teams THIS YEAR.

Curt and Tim then wax nostalgic about the brilliance of Greg Blache. If they want him, he can fly home with them.

The Bears take the lead on a short TD pass from Chandler to tight end Desmond Clark. It must have been an accident, the Bears never throw to their tight ends. It’s 10-6.

Within thirty seconds we get both finalists in the DEADPAN PUTDOWN OF THE DAY.
In Cincinnati, Texan kick returner JJ Moses breaks a long kick return and Don Criqui says, “Yet another abhorrent play by a Bengals coverage team.”

In Detroit, Tim Green says, “Wow, Scotty Anderson is looking almost explosive.”

Nice.. I’m going with the “almost explosive” line.

Jason Hanson kicks another field goal and it’s 10-9 in Detroit.

In Carolina, the Bucs once vaunted defense has been gashed for a 60 yard TD pass from hall of famers Jake Delhomme to Ricky Proehl and it’s 20-7, Panthers. Joe Buck says that in the previous meeting between these teams, Delhomme’s passer rating was 15.7. Fifteen point seven? How does that even happen?

In Pittsburgh, Ron Pitts just called a Steelers wide receiver, “Antwan Randle-Bell.”

In Detroit, on a key third and one, Anthony Thomas is tackled by his own center…Olin Kreutz. The Bears settle for a field goal and Mr. Ed misses.

Then, when the Bears seem to have the Lions bottled up, the genius of Blache comes through. On a third and five, he blitzes the one guy on his team who can cover a wide receiver, Charles Tillman. Tillman doesn’t get anywhere near Harrington, but Joey throws to the man Tillman should have been covering for an easy first down.

On the next play, Reggie Swinton takes an end around for a nine yard gain, but Lance Briggs’ diving tackle saved it from being more.
On second and one, Briggs tackles running back Avon Colborne for a loss of one.
On third and two, Briggs tackles Colborne for no gain.
Punt.

Maybe the Lions should…I don’t know…block Lance Briggs?

In Washington, Moose Johnston just called Rock Cartwright “very multi-dimensional.” This takes me back to Rick Pitino’s “multi-versatile” comment on the NBA draft coverage a couple years ago.

With 5:30 left in the game, the Redskins have a fourth and one at their own 26 yard line. Spurrier’s not crazy enough to go for it, is he? Nah.

Dick Stockton jokes that “nobody would go for this,” and Moose reminds us all that he once had a coach, Barry Switzer, who did it in Philadelphia and didn’t make it.

There’s just no reason to go for it in a tie game with five and a half minutes left in your own end. If you don’t make it, you’re basically giving the Seahawks the lead.

Barry Spurrier goes for it. And Cartwright just barely gets a first. So he gets to be Steve Spurrier again. Whew.

In Detroit, the Bears show no such guts. On a third and 22 they run a seven yard draw. Whee!

I’m not making this up. Curt Meneffee just said, “Get the TiVo or the VCR ready folks! The Lions have the ball and 2:27 to go!” Wow.

Fox digs through the archives and finds some actual footage of Lions’ tight end Casey Fitsimmons’ high school, eight man football days, in Montana. Why?

The Lions waste no time in ramming the ball down the Bears throats. In an effort to give us some hope, Fox shows a graphic that says that since 1999 the Bears have blocked 12 field goal and extra point attempts. Jason Hanson’s 48 yarder with :39 left is not blocked and it is good. Now it’s up to Steve Mariucci to do something dumb to give the Bears a shot.

He does.

He squibs the kickoff and the great Joe Tafoya (nimble number 99) rambles 10 yards to the Bears 42. They only need about 25 yards to have a game-winning field goal attempt.

The Bears have one time out left, too.

Detroit calls time out. Actually, referee Bernie Kuchar calls them Deee-troit.

I muse that the Bears should try and find one of their big wide receivers, Gage or Terrell over the middle for a big gainer and then use that time out.

Chandler drops back and throws to Gage, who is wide open at the Detroit 40 over the middle. The ball sails right over Gage’s head (no small feat since he’s 6’5 and can jump) and is picked off. Game over. Drive safely.

Before we go on to actual exciting games, the Lions are in the same formation that every team uses when they just need to take a knee to end the game. Everybody’s in tight and a wide receiver stands about 20 yards back in case of a horrible fumble. But why use a wide receiver there? Why not somebody who actually tackles people? Shouldn’t you use a safety or a linebacker?

In New York, Deion can put the clipboard away for another week, the Falcons are beating the Giants 27-7.

In Carolina, Keenan McCardell just made a one-handed circus catch for a 21-20 lead. Just unbelievable.

The Bucs tack another field goal on and so the Pathers have the ball, just over two minutes to go and 78 yards. And Jake Delhomme. It’s bleak.

However, Delhomme completes passes to Proehl, Musin Muhammed (a I’m-falling-down-so-I’ll-just-throw-this-up-for-grabs completion) and then a strike at the goal line to Steve Smith for a TD. It’s 27-24 and it hardly took Delhomme a minute. Wow.

In Washington, the Redskins use your average, boring lateral to Rod Gardner throw across the field to Trung Candidate pass to beat the Seahawks.

In Tampa Bay the Panthers get a hand on Brad Johnson’s last two passes and it’s over. The Bucs ain’t what they used to be.

I like Fox’s set for the pre and postgame stuff, and have noticed that the sun slowly sets during the day behind them. But I could live without the cheesy fake crowd noise they’re pumping in during the postgame.

The late games aren’t much to write home about.
CBS: Jets at Raiders (Gus Johnson and Brent Jones)
Bills at Cowboys (Greg Gumbel and Phil Simms)
Fox: Vikings at Chargers (Kenny Albert and Phil Simms)

Rick Mirer is leading the Raiders against the Jets. Whoo!

In San Diego, Baldy tells us that “Lorenzo Neal calls LaDanian Tomlinson, ‘Superman without the cape.'” Wouldn’t that make him Clark Kent?

Superman without a cape breaks a 77 yard TD run and it’s already 14-0 Chargers. This just in: Mike Tice still looks confused.

Baldy on Vikings tight end/fullback Jim Kleinsasser, “He’s been bothered by plan-ee-tar fash-ee-eye-tus (he just butchered that), which is like setting fire to the Achilles tendon under your foot.”

There’s just so much wrong with that. First, the fire analogy is a poor choice in San Diego right now. Second, It’s not your Achilles under your foot. Oh, never mind.

The worst thing about Bill Parcells being in Dallas is the return of Dallas to the late games on my TV. It’s bad enough that they ruin Thanksgiving every year.

Justin Fargas is playing halfback for the Raiders. Yup, Huggy Bear, Jr. is in at halfback.

In San Diego the photo they have of Kleinsasser makes it look like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell’s haircut.

Not to get away from football or anything…but, when you’re a female celebrity and Saturday Night Live uses a man to impersonate you, do you think you realize that you’re fat or ugly, first?

Horatio Sanz does a good Rosie.

I hate to admit it, but Andy Roddick (currently dating my girlfriend, Mandy Moore) was really pretty good on SNL last week. Hell, he was better and more comfortable than most of the “actors” who host it.

In Dallas, LeRoi Glover just lept over a pile of players to recover a fumble. He looked like he was diving into a pool. It was pretty cool.

In Oakland, Zack Crockett just scored on a one yard rush to give the Raiders a 14-7 lead. Gus just said that the entire 19 play, 80 yard TD drive consisted solely of running plays. See, that’s one way to win with Rick Mirer at QB. Don’t let him do anything but hand off.

Baldy confuses himself here. He says that Doug Flutie runs three miles four or five times a week. Then something happens to distract him. (Probably a bird flying by the press box.) Then, he starts over and says that Flutie runs six miles a day four or five times a week and that he loves to play basketball. So which is it? Three or six? Hmm?

I’m troubled by the commercial where the guy says, “I feel great, ever since I hooked myself up to the big brown machine.” I thought it was a colostomy machine. Turns out it’s a commecial for UPS. Oops.

Flutie takes one in from three yards out and it’s 21-7 Chargers.

In Dallas, Phil Simms calls Cowboys rookie Terrence Newman “hippy.” Newman calls Simms a “narc.”

Simms says that Parcells had the Cowboys training staff turn his treadmill around so it faces the others, so he can see which players are working out. From the looks of Parcells, I think he had the training staff install a chair on his treadmill, too.

Flutie throws a “jump pass” for a first down, and Baldy says, “Sometimes, when you’re 5’9, you need to be taller.” Gee, really?

Moe Williams scores to make it 35-21 in San Diego. The Chargers can’t blow this, can they? Nah.

THIS IS WHY I ACTUALLY LIKE PHIL SIMMS
Greg Gumbel: “When Parcells got to Dallas he said he had a combination of eager beavers and fat guys.”
Phil Simms: “Sounds like our booth.”

Gumbel reads the Oakland score with them leading the Jets 21-16. Simms says, “Rick Mirer must be playing pretty good.” No, they’re just not letting him do anything.

Gus Johnson quotes Mirer as saying, “Rich Gannon is so intense. He prepared this week like he was going to play.” Uhh, Rick. That’s not his intensity. He just knows you suck.

In San Diego, Daunte Culpepper is sacked by Ray Lee Johnson and DaQuincy Scott. How many guys is that? Two? Four?

Baldy is all over Randy Moss for not running hard on his routes. I’m loving this.

This just in: The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are hot.

Adrian Murrell’s rotting corpse is still playing for Dallas. Wow.

Somewhere, Rush Limbaugh is telling his fellow 12-steppers, “See how Doug Flutie is playing? This is how Donovan McNabb is supposed to play.”

Is this good? In their last three games, the Vikings have given up 1325 yards and 94 points. Yikes.

First and ten on the Vikings 14. Flutie fumbles the snap, picks it up and runs untouched into the end zone. During the run, Baldy yells, “Oh, jeesh!” It’s 42-21 and what’s not to love about Brian Baldinger?

Last week I compared the Vikings 6-0 start to the 88-92 Bears that used to go 4-0 every year, realize they sucked and finished 9-7 or 8-8. The Vikings might not even get to 8-8.

According to TiVo, the “second” Simpsons at 7:30 p.m. CST on Sunday is “Three Gays of the Condo,” easily the funniest one from last year. A classic.

The Raiders keep running a fake end around, draw and it keeps…working.

Brent Jones says that he lives in the Bay Area and he “knows that Terrell Owens is not coming back to the 49ers next year. He’d look good in green and white.” Green and white? Who? The Jets? The Eagles? North Texas University?

Gumbel says that the Cowboys’ fans are doing the wave. Another reason to hate Dallas.

Toby Gowins is the punter for the Cowboys. I’ll bet Parcells just loves having a punter named Toby.

In San Diego, on a third and long, Fox shows Randy Moss not even run his pass pattern. Baldy has an aneurysm in the booth. Moss doesn’t run when he thinks the ball isn’t coming his way, but how does he know? No wonder Culpepper can’t learn to go through his progressions. One of them never leaves the line of scrimmage.

In Dallas, Buffalo punter Brian Moorman kicks what Gumbel calls “another bad one.” Hell, he’s just tired.

CBS keeps showing us a Cowboys’ fan wearing enormous (and real) bull horns on his head. He looks more like a Vikings fan. It’s troubling, really.

Mo Williams scores again and it’s 42-28 in San Diego. Onside kick to come.

Dallas lines up for a 49 field goal attempt with a 10-6 lead, only instead they snap the ball directly to Billy Cundiff who pooch punts it. Right into the end zone. Billy gets his playbook and hands it and his helmet to Parcells.

You know that’s made up, because why would a kicker have a playbook?

The Vikings have recovered the onside kick, but a challenge is given. This means Ed Hochuli now has four minutes of unadulterated national TV airtime. He’s going to milk it all.

His announcement, “Upon further review, I have great abs! And the call on the field stands! Vikings ball!”

Baldy does some advanced math when talking about the need for the Vikings to score quickly. “You’ve got to get one to get two.”

Huh?

Randy Moss takes himself out of the game and Kenny Albert correctly points out that by doing it, the Vikings had 12 men in the huddle. During the play, a flag flies. Mo Williams catches a pass for 15 yards. But the penalty is not for illegal substitution, instead, it’s for roughing the passer. The Vikings get 30 yards when they should have lost five.

In Oakland, the Jets and Raiders are tied at 24 and Rick Mirer is leading the two minute offense. Jets coach Herm Edwards is already congratulating his players on the win.

Twice in the last :24 of regulation, Raiders tight end Teyo Johnson catches a pass on the sidelines and doesn’t get out of bounds. Oops!

Overtime in Oakland.

In Dallas, backup tight end Ryan Witten goes offsides and Parcells gives him the international sign for “I’m going to punch you in the face!”

Adrian Murrell breaks a long one (for him) and it’s over in Dallas. The Cowboys are 7-2. Blecch.

The Chargers hang on and win.

The only game left is in Oakland. The Jets have won the toss.

Curtis Conway catches a long pass and gets a first down, only to have it taken back 15 yards on a personal foul by Kevin Mawae. The best part, on the Raiders sidelines you can clearly hear a guy yelling, “Personal f@#$ing foul! Fifteen f@#$ing yards! Personal f@#$ing foul.” How nice.

Suddenly, CBS pre-empts the Jets-Raiders game to show us a movie featuring a little girl with blonde pigtails skipping through the mountains with her psychotic kidnappers who have just told her that her parents no longer exist. No, it’s not Heidi, it’s Elizabeth Smart!

OK, not really.

On ABC, we’ve got “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” How is that still on?
On NBC, we’ve got a “Dateline Special: When did Britney get so slutty?”

I know what I’ll be watching.

Doug Brien kicks a field goal in Oakland and the Jets win 27-24.

And I’m off to watch Britney.