Some days you know Phil Rogers’ writing sucks because he was careless and used the wrong name for a guy, say for example the name of a dead Colombian drug kingpin instead of a Giants’ third baseman.Â Sometimes you know it sucks because he’s just not a good writer, like when he tries to make a case for publicly funded ballparks.Â But sometimes what he writes is so dumb, so clueless and so vapid that he just has to be putting us on, right?
White Sox Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf (the man who was willing to allow the Marlins to talk to Guillen if they would give up the aforementioned outfielder-first baseman Morrison) should swap general manager Ken Williams to the Cubs for Jim Hendry.
It’s Phil’s version of trying to be shocking.Â But what’s shocking is the tortured logic he uses to “sell” his bit of fantasy:
Consider that, as the White Sox’s GM the steady Hendry immediately would end the organizational dysfunction that has arisen from the Williams-Guillen feud, which has arisen out of the unusual level of nepotism allowed under Reinsdorf.
Williams would do what Cubs fans criticize owner Tom Ricketts and Hendry for not doing â€” shaking things up. Plus, he could be the buffer for Mike Quade that he was to Guillen in 2004 â€” holding organizational high ground â€” and given the surplus of young talent Hendry and his staff have collected, Williams could have a blast trading a fresh supply of minimum-salary talent for veterans on the verge of free agency.
So the Sox get Hendry because he’s “stable.”Â Apparently Phil’s never seen one of Jimbo’s angiograms.
And the Cubs get Kenny because he’ll trade away prospects for shitty veterans!Â Awesome.Â Looks like a win-win.
With the GM deal complete, the second step to a new and improved offseason for both Chicago teams is one mind-blowing mother of a trade â€” specifically, the Cubs sendingÂ Carlos Zambrano, Kosuke Fukudome, Jeff Samdardzija, Geovany Soto, Randy Wells and Chris Archer to the White Sox for Jake Peavy, Gavin Floyd, Mark Teahen, Scott Linebrink and Tyler Flowers.
Sweet Jesus, even when Phildo is making up trades he can’t come up with a good one.Â This is a shitty trade for both teams.
The Sox get a crazy pitcher, a fourth outfielder, an overpaid lousy young pitcher, a pretty good catcher, a starting pitcher who will get torched in the American League and the Cubs top pitching prospect, and the Cubs get an overpaid, injured pitcher, a pretty good starter, a terrible infielder, a beyond terrible reliever and a fat catcher who’s not nearly as good as the fat pitcher they gave up in the same trade.
You know what this accomplishes?Â The exact same thing that doing nothing does.
Here’s how he sells it for both teams.Â Prepare to be trapped under a huge wad of whelmed:
The Cubs, unlikely to overtake the Cardinals in 2011,
They’re chasing the Cardinals?Â What happened to the Reds?Â Or is the new goal to finish third in the NL Central?
could allow Peavy to take his time recovering from surgery to repair his detached lat and have him in shape to help them win a year from now.
No.Â This is just dumb.Â Jake Peavy’s never going to be healthy again.Â The Padres couldn’t give him away fast enough once he started breaking down for them.Â First it was an elbow, then a foot, now it’s a lat, and it’s going be the shoulder and the elbow again.Â Nobody smart wants him anymore.Â He’s Mark Mulder now.
They could make the clubhouse more pleasant for everyone without Zambrano,
We’re back to this again?Â Pleasantness?Â Look, if it were up to me, I’d treat Carlos like a sunk cost.Â He behaved himself after his little timeout last season, but the first time he acts up in 2011, just launch him.Â You don’t need to create an elaborate and pointless 11 player trade just to make Carlos go away.Â And if he behaves himself, he’ll probably pitch pretty well.
and they could add a third-base option to allowÂ Aramis Ramirez to move to first base as Josh Vitters and Marquez Smith take aim at being long-term answers at third.
Why?Â Why are you moving your best hitter off his defensive spot?Â Much of E-ramis’ value is that when he’s hitting well you’re getting top production out of third base.Â You’re supposed to go find a first baseman who hits like a first baseman and leave E-ramis where he is.Â Moving him to first and playing a shitty hitter like the not ready Vitters, and the underwhelming Smith actually makes an already bad offense worse.
They would add a needed bullpen veteran and spare themselves the disappointment of seeing Soto never again reach his 2008 level.
The bullpen veteran is one of the worst pitchers in baseball, and he’s horribly overpaid, too.Â Do you really need a righty to go with John Grabow?Â Are you trying to make them a matched set?
And while it would be nice if Soto would hit like he did in 2008 again, if he hits like he did in 2010 he’s a lot better than Tyler Flowers is ever going to be.Â Tyler’s actually too fat to catch.Â Nobody knew that was possible.
The Sox would get healthy arms in Zambrano, Wells and Samdardzija who could help them compete against the Twins in 2011, with the ultimate upside that the well chronicled Guillen-Zambrano friendship could help Big Z become the force he was before his 2007 contract extension.
This is completely asinine.Â First off, Wells and Samardzija might have healthy arms, but Wells’ stuff fits worse in that bandbox on the South Side than almost any other starter in the game, and Samardzija sucks.Â And why is Phil so hell bent on this idea that Guillen would get good results out of Zambrano?Â Holy crap, every rational person knows that the two would start off saying the right things and then something would happen and one of them would completely lose his shit and it would end terribly, irretrievably bad.Â Zambrano’s got the perfect manager in Mike Quade, if it doesn’t work with him (and it likely won’t) there’s no way in hell it will work with an antagonistic little shit like Guillen.
They would add a left-handed bat in Fukudome, who they coveted before 2008 when they felt he was a perfect fit for center/right field at US Cellular Field (and at worst would be a platoon player for one year),
At worst is what you’re going to get.Â I like Kosuke, but he’s just not a very good big league hitter.Â He’s a part-timer, and you don’t need to trade for those.Â You can pick one of those up at a Glendale Home Depot parking lot at 7:30 any weekday morning.
a potential Clayton Richard/Daniel Hudson/John Ely replacement in Archer (expendable because the Cubs project Andrew Cashner and their Chris Carpenter as better prospects)
To make up for trading away slightly better than average prospects, go trade for another one!Â They have this thing called a draft every year, Phil, go ask the guy who writes the really lousy prospect reports on the White Sox for Baseball Prospectus (oh, that’s right, incredibly, IT’S YOU!).Â That’s when you replace Richard, Hudson or Ely.Â Of course, the Sox have to draft the sons (and daughters) of everybody in their front office every year so that cuts down on their real picks, I guess.
Phil writes this like the Cubs would trade Soto for Teahen, Linebrink and Flowers.Â They would never do this.Â Nobody would ever do this.
They would be out from under the Teahen and Linebrink contracts.
And, they’d be under Zambrano’s.
I’m sure Phil dreamed this up as a fun exercise, but his premise and his actual fake trade were so lame that it sucked any life out of it.
You know what would be really fun?Â If the Tribune would trade Phil for this guy: