So the Bulls, who had a pretty good 27-14 home record last year and a horrendous 3-38 record on the road are now 3-1 on the road and 1-4 at home? There’s no figuring this out either. The home losses have included a 25 point loss to the mighty Wiz, a 32 point humiliation against Houston, a 21 point loss to the Sixers and a loss the other night to the mighty Nuggets.

On the road, they managed to get spanked by 30 by the Bucks! Yikes. And yet, there are times, like last night, when they look like a real NBA team. They actually look like the playoff team we think they might actually be.

So which is it? I’m not going to excoriate Bill Cartwright again. I’ll save that for many other columns, but even in a win last night they drove me insane with their shot selection. Jalen Rose just fired them up from anywhere. The only guys on the floor who seem to know what a good shot is are Scottie Pippen, Kirk Hinrich and Eddy Curry. As with Eddy a good shot is pretty much any one he takes within 15 feet of the basket.

Granted, we’ve yet to see what they can do with a fully healthy Tyson Chandler, and hopefully that’s coming soon.

But I’ll tell you what really fired me up last night. Watching the late game on ESPN between the Warriors and Pistons, you could see what two well coached teams look like. They don’t look like the Bulls. The final score was a whopping 87-85 in overtime, but take a look at the quality of the shots the Pistons and Nuggets get and compare that to the Bulls and you want to bang your head into the wall.

The Nuggets used a lineup last night of Calbert Cheaney, Brian Cardinal, Erick Dampier, Nick Van Exel and Cliff Robinson. I’m not making this up. Cherokee Parks even played a lot for them.

I’m not going to say that if you gave Bill Cartwright that lineup they’d get beaten 114-7, but…

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Phil Rogers wants the Cubs to trade for A-Rod. He thinks they can get it done with Carlos Zambrano, The Farns, Alex Gonzalez and two minor league pitching prospects. Then he says the Cubs would still have nine million dollars left to go get a second baseman, a fifth starter and a guy for their bullpen.

What he doesn’t mention is that they’d also need a third starter (to replace Carlos) and another guy to replace The Farns.

Look, I’m not saying that the Cubs shouldn’t try and trade for A-Rod. You’d be a dope to not want the best position player in the game, especially since he’s a ripe, old 28. But if you’re going to do it, you need the Cubs to increase their payroll to $100 million, so you’re not bringing in A-Rod and downgrading in the rotation, the bullpen and second base to pay him. There’s no reason the Cubs couldn’t afford that. But unless they’re willing to, not only is an A-Rod trade unlikely, it’d actually be foolish. Which, for a team owned by a company that has cash falling out of its pants, is absurd.

In another article, Dusty Baker talks about why he wants Kenny Lofton back. He’s worried that Corey Patterson might not be 100 percent in the spring and he might need to use Kenny in center and have him lead off. If I’m Jim Hendry, I’m now very tempted to let Lofton walk. Dusty will use his bench, but if he’s using it at the expense of Corey–his second best hitter–it’s just not a good thing. The only way Hendry could get Dusty to stop using Lenny Harris was to waive him. I kind of think he might have to the same thing and not bring back Randall Simon or Kenny Lofton.

But we know how this is going to work out. If Hendry does bring back Lofton, which is still the most likely scenario, Patterson and Alou will stay healthy and Dusty will have to deal with them grumbling about not starting every day. If he lets Lofton walk, Moises and Corey will collide in the first spring training game and paralyze each other. It’s the Cubs…there’s never an in between.

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The Yankees are said to be considering trading Alfonso Soriano and Nick Johnson to Arizona for Curt Schilling and Junior Spivey. This makes no sense to me. Why would you trade your first baseman and your 40 homer hitting second baseman for a 37 year old pitcher–albeit a studly one–when you could just open the checkbook and sign Bart Colon and/or Andy Pettitte?

These are the Yankees. They don’t do collossally stupid things, which leads me to believe they have no intention of actually trading for Schilling. They just want to drive the price up in case the Red Sox do, and they want to drive the price down on Colon.

Honestly, I should be an agent. I see all the angles. Or something.

You want to know the Yankees opening day lineup? I’ll give it to you, because I’m just that kind of guy.

c- Jorge Posada, 1b- Nick Johnson, 2b- Roberto Alomar, ss- Derek Jeter, 3b- Aaron Boone, lf- Bernie Williams, cf- Alfonso Soriano, rf- Hideki Matt Suhey, dh- Jason Giambi. Starting rotation: Mike Mussina, Bart Colon, Andy Pettitte, Jon Lieber, Jose Contreras. You’re welcome.

You want the Cardinals?
c- Mike Matheny, 1b- Albert Pujols, 2b- Mark Grudzielanek, ss- Edgar Renteria, 3b- Scott Rolen, lf- Rondell White, cf- Jim Edmonds, rf – JD Drew. Starting rotation: Matt Morris, Woody Williams, Danny Haren, Les Lancaster, Paul Kilgus. Check out that outfield. They’ll combine for 300 games on the DL. Hee hee. I have a bad feeling about Gruddy. Then again, we all know he was playing over his head last year, and he still managed to get hurt three times during the season.

The White Sox?
c- Miguel Olivo, 1b- Paul Konerko, 2b- Willie Harris, ss-Jose Valentin, 3b- Joe Crede, lf- Carlos Lee, cf- Darin Erstad, rf-Aaron Rowand/Jeremy Reed, dh- Frank Thomas. Starting rotation: Stevie Loiaza, Mark Bueherle, Jon Garland, Shawn Estes, Danny Wright. Hee hee.

The Cubs?
c- Damian Miller/Paul Bako, 1b- Hee Seop Choi/Randall Simon, 2b- Fernando Vina, ss- Alex Gonzalez, 3b- E-Ramis Ramirez, lf- Moises Alou, cf- Kenny Lofton/Corey Patterson, rf- Sammy Sosa. Starting rotation: Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Carlos Zambrano, Matt Clement, Angel Guzman.

OK, OK. I know, you just spit Mountain Dew or coffee or something all over your screen when you read 2b Fernando Vina for the Cubs. I’m just telling you what’s going to happen, not what you want to hear. I don’t want the little bastard either. He’s annoying, he’s not that fast, he’s overrated in the field and his on base percentage looks like your 401k the last few years.

You want feel good Cubby Kool-Aid? Go to one of the other blogs. You want the truth, you come here.

Actually I have no idea. I’m just pulling this stuff out of my ass. But it’s fun.

What would happen if all of the guys we hated came to the Cubs?

What if we woke up tomorrow to find this roster?

Manager: The Genius
C: Mike Matheny
1B: Frank Thomas and Paul Konerko
2B: Fernando Vina
SS: Jose Valentin
3B: Albert Pujols
OF: Jim Edmonds, JD Drew, Craig Biggio
SP: Matt Morris, Mike Hampton, Tom Glavine, Shawn Estes, Saddam Hussein
Closer: Ugy Urbina

I think I’d bury myself in the back yard.

On the other hand, before we begin to fret the Fernando Vina era, murmurs are that once the Expos know if they really are going to be playing all of their games in Montreal (very likely) that they’ll be more liable to trade Jose Vidro. Omar Minaya doesn’t want to trade Jose, but it’s looking more and more like he’ll have to let Vladimir Guerrero go (sure thing), and trade Javier Vazquez. If he trades Javier, the Expos are likely to dump Vidro’s salary, too and fill the hole in their rotation with Juan Cruz. Hey, the Wizard of Roz might have been right yesterday! Who knew?

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You probably noticed that Matt and Kelly used yesterday’s Dose as a chatroom for the Bulls-Celtics game last night, which is good. It reminds me that I need to get off my hiney and set up a GameCast or two for the near future. If you have any bright ideas for games we should attempt, NBA or college (and it doesn’t have to be a Bulls or Illinois game, either), drop me a line at andy@desipio.com or post it down below. Who says we’re not full service?

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The Bulls are no longer completely inept on the road! Whee!

Jamal Crawford got a phone call from an old pal, and suddenly doesn’t feel so bad about his situation.

When Danny Ainge taunts Johnny Paxson about the NCAA clash between BYU and Notre Dame when Ainge went the length of the court for the game winner, Paxson just rubs his 1993 Championship ring and chuckles.

Phil’s pipe dream of A-Rod.

If this gets serious of course, it’ll deserve it’s own column, but apparently the ACC thinks Notre Dame is ripe for the picking. I’m for it, actually. What’s not to like about a chance to renew the old Miami football rivalry and I’m one of the fools who thinks that Notre Dame’s basketball team would eventually thrive in the ACC. But that’s just me.

I guess this is good. The Bears players hate their offense, too.

Dusty’s ready for next year to get here. Aren’t we all?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to prove, again, that he’s a dope. If the Sox keep Magglio, they’ll just use his contract as an excuse to be cheap…forever.

The Diamondbacks told the Yankees it’ll be Johnson and Soriano if they want Schilling. Uh..no.

The Post’s Kevin Kernan has irrational love for Nick Johnson. Look, the Yankees shouldn’t trade him because they can sign free agents and keep him, not because he’s the second coming of Don Mattingly. Get over yourself. He’s a fat guy with no power. Big whup. Soriano’s the real prize. Not Johnson.

The Yankees are also negoiating with Bart Colon’s agent and talking with the Dodgers about Odalis Perez. Odalis would make a nice Cub, by the way.

Robbie Alomar wants to be on the right side of New York this time.

It’s really too bad that Keith Foulke can’t play for Grady Little. They both have that “I’m about to drool on myself” look on their face…all the time.

Danny Evans tried to get Billy Beane to shove a copy of Moneyball up his ass.

What the hell? The writer throws out a vague reference to the Mariners considering trading for Ken Griffey, Jr. at the beginning of this, but never follows through in the column.

I have an odd feeling that the Cubs will be serious bidders on Shigetosi Hasegawa. This would be good because Shiggy can pitch. It would be bad in that we’d have to listen to Chip Caray over enunciate his name every day.

I love this. The NY Post reports that Japanese shortstop Kaz Matt Suhey has no interest in playing for the Mets.

However, Newsday reports that he does want to play for them. See, in New York, they just make this crap up.

Pretty much the same info on Notre Dame and the ACC.

This is why ESPN needs me on that NBA Shootaround show, sitting right between Tim Legler and Greg Anthony (both of who are pretty good, actually). Last night Kevin looked over and saw the Heat-Cavs score and said, “Hey, the Heat might actually win a game!” Legler said that the Cavs would make enough plays to win it, and Anthony responded with, “The Cavs are a good team.”

No they’re not! They’re awful! They’re 2-6! That’s not good. Guh.

Tim the unpronounceable one on rebuilding the O’s.

Mike Stoops is the leading candidate to get the Arizona job. I like Mike Stoops, but to me, he looks like the missing Maloof brother.

Stewey looks into his crystal ball and sees Notre Dame in the Final Four. Huh? Look. I love the Irish. I think Mike Brey is a fabulous coach (despite his fabulous mock turtlenecks) and that Chris Thomas is fabulous, in fact, Chris might be the best guard in college basketball this year (just watch). But this is not a Final Four team. I suppose you could say the same thing about Marquette last year. I’d love it if it happened, but it’s not going to. If Matt Carroll had just one more year…or if Colin Falls was a sophomore, I’d think otherwise.

John Donovan should have titled this column, “Hi, I’m a Dick.”

Hey, looks like somebody bought Chuck Wepner the Rocky box set! Did he just realize that Stallone wrote the original Rocky? Twenty-eight years ago?

Wynonna did some drunk driving. The Drudge Report has her mug shot. Yikes. How can she be Ashley’s sister?

Jeb Bush just stole my “did I just say that out loud” joke.

Apparently Paris Hilton made at least 10 sex tapes. I hope they’re better quality than the thing we saw on Tuesday.

Just like you, Britney Spears thinks of Britney Spears when she masturbates.

America’s finest news source with a guest column from a guy who wants to show his kid’s the majestic Glory Hole.