It’s Friday, so it’s time for your obligatory Survivor update, and as well, we take a look at the ongoing curse of the Bulls point guards.

First, in the Pearl Islands, we’re at the phase in the game where it’s all about the individual now. You need to win individual immunity, and you have to figure out how to get the people you’re throwing off to still vote for you.

It’s fascinating really. Well, that and the fact that Darrah has no breasts.

Previously on Survivor: Burton and Lillian returned to their old tribes. Andy Suitcoat played it smart and tried to make Lillian feel guilty for coming back. Nice. The tribes merged. Burton won individual immunity, but already had immunity for one Tribal Council as a returned Outcast, so he gave it to Rupert. The new “Balboa” tribe voted off Andy Suitcoat.

Lillian stands on the beach looking into the water as last night’s episode starts and she’s babbling about how the “Cincinnati workhorse” has become just little old “Lil.” What kind of crack are they smoking in Panama? The Cincinnati workhorse? Who is she, Mario Soto?

Rupert tells Lillian he appreciates her coming over to their side and if things keep going this well, he’ll start voting out former Drake tribemembers over her. Sure. Whatever.

Ryan O. is upset that Lillian flipped and helped vote out Andy Suitcoat. Ryan O. seems a little “special” to me. I would think that when he gets the gate they’ll drive him away in a shortboat.

Burton says that Ryan O. is trying to get an alliance out of Tijuana, Darrah, Lillian and Burton to start voting out the Drakes. Burton knows Ryan is just talking out of his ass. Ryan says at least six times in :45 seconds, “You know, they already voted you out once.” He knows! We all know! Shut up and go try and grow that weird beard of yours out.

Burton catches a stingray and asks if there are such a thing as “electric” stingrays. I laugh at how stupid he is and he “shocks” himself on it. Then he gets Rupert to do it, too. It’s like that old SNL skit with Tom Hanks where he goes, “Wow, is this milk sour! Here, try this!” And his wife drinks it and then the kids do. It’s funny because they’re so dumb. Just like our Survivor pals.

As they eat the stringray, Rupert gets the pun of the night award for, “Wow, this is shockingly good.” Yikes.

Rupert keeps telling Tijuana and Darrah to eat something. However, they now weigh 95 and 70 pounds respectively and their stomachs have naturally shrunken to the size that Carnie Wilson and Sharon Osbourne had theirs “banded” to. They’re not hungry, and even if they were, there’s no place to put any food. Although, it’d be funny to see Darrah eat a whole fish and then watch her boobs grow back.

Rupert says he likes to “fill people up and make them feel good.” Wait, is this Survivor or the Paris Hilton video?

Burton has decided it’s time for Rupert to go, and he goes to Johnny Fair Play to hatch his plot. Johnny Fair Play is only too happy to go along with the plot.

Burton has a chat with Lillian he tells her that they have to eventually crack up the Rupert-Sandra-Christa alliance. You could crack that up by telling Christa that there’s methamphetamine in the sand. She’d drown herself in the stuff in about six minutes.

The reward challenge is for a breakfast buffet. Wow, are they going to The Old Country Buffet? Is there one in Panama? How neat.

To win breakfast you have to break plates with a slingshot. I have no idea.

Rupert wins, but gives it away to Burton as a thank you for Burton giving him the immunity sword thingy. Burton gets to pick a person to take and Lillian finished second, so Rupert yells “Lillian” as Burton is trying to decide. So, Lillian it is.

I’d have taken Tijuana if I were Burton, just because she’s the only pretty girl left. But that’s just me.

A boat takes Burton and Lillian to brunch and when they hit the shore there’s a tent set up. Lillian calls it a gazebo. Oh, for chrissakes you’re a Boy Scout Leader! It’s a tent!

They walk in the tentzebo and see all the food. Lillian says, “Ooh! Look at pretty flowers!” Burton looks at it and says, “Wow, I’m going to get sick as a dog.” He’s right. After three weeks of eating nothing, one Belgian waffle will set off a diahretic nightmare in Burt’s pants. That is, of course, if we believe that the Outcasts didn’t hang out in the hotel, drinking Mai Tais by the pool and eating with the crew while they were out. Considering Nicole’s bathing suit tan line that she sported on her return…I’d say that’s exactly what they did.

Burton pops the champagne but Lillian doesn’t drink. Of course. So he downs it.

He cooks up a plan to get rid of Rupert and she says she’ll do anything he asks. He tells her he’s going to ask for something sexual. She says “sure, anything.” He says, I want you to promise me you’ll never breed. OK, not really.

I have a feeling it’s too late, anyway.

Lillian says it’s important to her to not lie. Burton gives her scouts honor and she looks as though she may begin to cry. I really hate scouting right now.

Meanwhile, on the other beach, Sandra and Christa are trying to decide when to launch Rupert. They’re in the water, washing each other’s hair. Yikes. It’s not exactly the same scene we had when Jenna and Heidi were washing each other. Oh well.

Tijuana says that Sandra and Christa are being comedically subtle about thinking about launching Rupe and Burton. They say things like, “Who would catch fish if Rupert were…hurt?”

How’s he going to get hurt? Hmm? Perhaps with a big knife sticking out of his back at the next TC?

Lillian and Burton walk to the boat to go back after breakfast and Burton gets a nice dig in on Lillian.
She says, “Dont’ make me out to be a bitch, just a dumb broad.”
He says, “I’d never make you out to be a bitch.”
Sweet. That went right over the stupid hat on her stupid little head.

Back at camp, the Morgans are lying on their asses doing nothing. The Drakes are up collecting firewood and whistling and the birds and squirrels are making Cinderella a new gown. Or something.

Tijuana says the Drakes work “too hard.” OK. Whatever. You’re cute. But we’re not buying that crap.

Rupert’s mad that Tijuana, Darrah and Ryan are just lying there. He says he’s going to catch ten fish and give them to the Morgans to clean. That’ll show ’em, Rupe!

Lillian is moving a big stick and says, “Now I know how Jesus felt.” Just shoot me dead, right now.

The immunity challenge is a gay little question and answer game. The only real strategy is that when you get one right you get to put a coconut in another player’s trough (I know, I know) and when any player gets five coconuts they’re out of the game. So this should be an easy way for everybody to get Rupert out if they want.

They don’t. Nobody votes for him until the game’s almost over. Rupe wins immunity easily. They are so dumb.

Rupert tells the camera that he knows he’s not safe, so he’s keeping the immunity this time. Good move.

It’s obvious that Jon and Burton have a plan to whack somebody. But who is it? CBS’s crafty editing does not reveal it. I’m assuming it’s a Morgan, and I would imagine it has to be Ryan, because Darrah and Tijuana won’t win a challenge if their lives depend on it.

At Tribal Council Jeff asks Lillian how it’s going in the new tribe. She says she feels like she has a new “family.” Ryan O. has a seizure and his eyes roll back in his head.

Christa calls out the Morgans for being lazy.

Darrah defends their laziness by saying that they’ll work “eventually.”

Huh?

Rupe says everybody knows they can do better. Rupe is pretty sage.

Time to vote. Rupert votes for Ryan, and we all know that Ryan’s gone. Ryan votes for Christa and calls her a “bitch.” How nice.

Anal reads the votes and Ryan’s vote for Christa is one, and everybody else votes for him. So long.

In his final words he says, “I’ll be back.” Who does he think he is, the Gubernator of Cal-ee-for-nee-yah?

Next week, Lillian cries. Oh, who cares?

—-

Last night in the Bulls come-from-ahead loss to the Timberwolves, Jamal Crawford jumped up and fell over the Mayor Fred Hoiberg and landed on his head. It’s not exactly a motorcycle crash, but it got me to thinking that perhaps Bulls point guards are cursed.

– Jay Williams — the second overall pick in the 2002 Draft suffered what may be career ending injuries in a motorcycle accident last summer.

– Kirk Hinrich — Drafted to replace Williams, Kirk opened the season on the injured list with the flu. Next up, he’s scheduled to have malaria and then herpes.

– Craig Hodges — Wife tried to set him on fire while he slept.

– Reggie Theus — Traded because he was allegedly a bad influence on Michael Jordan. Used to date Michael’s wife. Starred on TNBC’s “Hang Time”. Color analyst for Slamball on TNN (now Spike TV) last year, currently working with multi-versatile Louisville coach Rick Pitino. Yikes.

– Sam Vincent — Managed to lose his job just in time to miss all six NBA titles.

– Bobby Hansen — Has to hang around Steve Alford as Iowa basketball analyst. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

– John Paxson — Bulls forced him into a succession of bad haircuts during his playing days. Now has to try and make a winner out of a team that drove Jerry Krause into retirement.

– Steve Kerr — The PLO killed his dad. But that probably doesn’t count.

– Brent Barry — Has to claim All-NBA-All-Time Prick Rick Barry has his father.

– BJ Armstrong — Still looks like Emanuel Lewis.

All right. I’ve now flogged that point to death. That is all.

—-

Jamal’s gonna be OK, Uncle Lar’?

Rick Morrissey on Notre Dame’s decision: ACC or Big Ten? I like the idea of either, actually. In the ACC you get to bring in the cool basketball teams and renew the Miami rivalry, while keeping BC, too. In the Big East it would mean the Penn State series comes back (it is, anyway, though) and you keep Michigan (Lloyd Carr wants ND off the schedule) and get Ohio State. You can’t go wrong.

However, Notre Dame still has clout. If I’m Kevin White, I make sure of one thing. If NBC wants to stay, they get first dibs to every Notre Dame home game. You think either the Big Ten or the ACC would let this kill a deal? Besides, you think the Big Ten wouldn’t get a chubby out of the possibility of having Notre Dame-Michigan on NBC and following it up with Ohio State-Penn State on ABC? Or, the ACC arguing about Notre Dame-Miami on NBC and Florida State-Virginia Tech on ABC? Didn’t think so.

Avani Patel with her take on the ND deal.

Mark Prior doesn’t mind finishing third in the Cy Young balloting this year. And why should he? He plans on winning the next dozen or so.

Rosey on the Bears.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and proves…yet again…he’s a dumbass.

John Jackson thinks Jim Rome can save WMVP. Rack me!

Mike Piazza wants out of New York. He says it’s just too gay.

The Yankees say Curt Schilling is too “expensive.” Or something.

Gary Sheffield, is not too “expensive.”

The Orioles are after Marlins’ first baseman Derek Lee. If you’re the Marlins, why don’t you let Lee go, have Miguel Cabrera play first base and use the money you save on Luis Castillo? See, I should run the team.

AJ Pierzynski expects to be either a Cub or a Padre by spring training. I’m pulling for the Cub.

Oops, the Giants just traded for him. Well, that sucks.

A Seattle paper expects the White Sox to go after Freddy Garcia because Ozzie Guillen’s his pal.

Wait, Joe Girardi still hasn’t retired?

Jayson Stark with (gasp) a Curt Schilling story.

Wait, “Frasier” is still on the air? Really?

Britney on whether Justin Timberlake is right when he says she’s not a virgin. “I’m not technically saying he’s wrong. But I’m not technically saying he’s right either.” What could that (BJ) mean?

Unlike most movies, the Paris Hilton sequel seems like it might be pretty good.

I want to play Snap!

America’s finest news source says that a Pennsylvania woman has mentally broken up with Colin Farrell.