Next Friday a throng of like minded dipshits will descend up on an overpriced hotel and convention center near downtown Chicago.  Despite evidence to the contrary (and lots of it) they will delude themselves into thinking that this year things will be different.  This year, their summer will be filled with excitement and fun and sunny days and cold beer and they’ll have nothing but good times to enjoy.

I am, of course, referring to anyone attending the 81st Annual Chicago Boat Show at McCormick Place.  As you all know, the two happiest days for any boat owner are the day you buy the boat and the day you sell the goddamned thing.

Wait, what did you think I was talking about?

The Cubs Convention?  Are they still holding that thing?

Apparently they are.  So be sure to stop by Shitty O’Keas right there in the very same Hilton and Towers on Friday, January 14 for the seventh annual Desipio/Hire Jim Essian Drunkfest.    We usually wander in between 8:30 and 9:00 and we stay until they kick us out, which, unfortunately is about three hours after that f’ing Irish band starts playing.  They’re not even really a band, it’s two guys singing Great Big Sea songs and making it so that I have to yell all of my hilarious topical observations at my fawning fans.

Actually, it seems like most of the people at the Drunkfest don’t mind not being able to hear me.  I’m not sure.  I’ve heard it both ways.

For those of you who are going to attend the actual Convention (I gave that up a few years ago), they have the agenda out now, and it’s a doozy.  Let’s take a look!

Friday, January 14

• Opening Ceremonies
• Play Cubs Bingo
• Go on an autograph treasure hunt
• Sit in on WGN Radio’s live two-hour broadcast featuring Cubs executives, uniformed personnel, prospects and broadcasters.

Wow, now there are four pretty important things to miss.  The Opening Ceremonies consist of roughly 6,000 obese Cubs fans stuffed into a ballroom while a horde of former and current Cubs who either a) needed the appearance fee to settle up some gambling debts, b) had it in their contracts that they had to come–we’re looking at you E-ramis, Carlos (pick a Carlos, any Carlos) and Alfonso or c) didn’t dare tell the Cubs no to anything they ask–we’re looking at you Darwin.  The players come out, throw the hat they’ve just been handed into the crowd, somebody throws a ball into the crowd, Wayne Messmer belts out the anthem (Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave!) all the assholes sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame and that’s it.  Oh, it’s exciting.

Cubs Bingo this year is being run by Todd Ricketts so expect him to clear everybody’s cards with a fire hose at some point.

The autograph treasure hunt is fun for people of all ages.  Keith Moreland and Jody Davis’ can usually be obtained if you head out by the dumpsters behind the banquet rooms where they’re smoking Camels and trading hits off a Southern Comfort bottle.

Our good friend Dave Kaplan used to host the radio festivities, but he’ll be out of town for the convention, so WGN has asked Kermit, Chuck and me to handle it.  It’s gonna be great.  Kermit has promised to strangle Ryan Dempster with a feather boa.

Then there’s the drinking at Shitty’s with our usual bunch of degenerates and a few special guests.  I’ll be easy to spot.  I’ll be the guy in the Todd Ricketts Cleans my Bathroom t-shirt.

Saturday, January 15

• 9:00 a.m. – The Ricketts Family Forum (Grand Ballroom) For the second year in a row, Cubs fans will have the opportunity to interact with Cubs ownership and hear the organization’s plans for the future.

This should be great.  Close your eyes when Tom Ricketts talks and marvel at how much he sounds like Mike McCaskey.  Close your eyes when Laura talks and marvel at how much she sounds like Judd Sirott.

• 10:00 a.m. – Meet Cubs Baseball Management (Grand Ballroom) featuring Meet General Manager Jim Hendry, Assistant General Manager Randy Bush, Manager Mike Quade and Assistant to the General Manager Greg Maddux

I’m sure the Cubs aren’t forcing Greg to be on the panel to try to deflect some of the attention away from every fan’s urge to scream at Hendry until they pass out.  The highlight of this session is almost always Al Yellon asking Hendry why the Cubs players are allowed to wear stirrup socks of differing lengths and demanding to know how it can thusly be called a “uniform.”

• 10:30 a.m. – Pitching Evolution (Grand Ballroom) featuring Kerry Wood, Randy Wells, Sean Marshall, Jeff Samardzija, Andrew Cashner and Pitching Coach Mark Riggins. The group will explain the art of being a starting pitcher, set-up man and closer, the differences between the roles and the pressures and rewards that come with each.

Originally titled “The new pitching coach and the white guys” the Cubs instead decided to go with something less offensive.  By tomorrow it will be renamed Pitching Intelligent Design.

• 1:30 p.m. – Cubs Business Management (Grand Ballroom)

Who needs a description for what is most likely going to be a shirtless Crane Kenney playing acoustic guitar and signing Dan Fogelberg songs for an hour.

• 12 p.m. – The Q Factor (Grand Ballroom) featuring Manager Mike Quade and coaches Rudy Jaramillo, Lester Strode, Ivan DeJesus, Bob Dernier, Mark Riggins and Dave Keller. Quade and his staff will discuss their techniques and philosophies heading into the 2011 season.

At some point in this lively gabfest (traditionally hosted by our good friend Len Kasper) it is expected that Lester Strode will take offense to something Rudy Jarmillo says, punch him in the face and remind everyone in the room that Rudy makes more than the rest of the coaching staff combined and that “The offense sucked again!”

• 3 p.m. – Remembering Ronnie (Grand Balroom) featuring Ernie Banks, Billy Williams, Fergie Jenkins, Glenn Beckert, Randy Hundley, Milt Pappas and Jose Cardenal. Ron Santo’s teammates will gather, share some of their favorite stories and fondly remember their teammate and friend.

I’m sure this will be a lively and fun session.  The original title of it however was, “The ’69 Collapse, let’s blame it on the dead guys.”

• 3:30 p.m. – The Dominican Way of Life (Boulevard Room) featuring Aramis Ramirez, Starlin Castro, Carlos Peña and Vice President of Player Personnel Oneri Fleita. The group will talk about their transition from the Dominican Republic to the United States and Fleita will discuss how the organization scouts, develops and transitions international players to the United States.

Steve Rosenbloom will host this session and demand Carlos Pena admit that the only reason the Cubs gave him $10 million is so he’d take Starlin Castro to libraries in every road city instead of the titty bars that Soriano frequents.  At some point, E-ramis will wake up and demand to know “how did all of these people get into my room?!”

It’s not on here, but every Saturday night there’s a dance.  I’m not making this up.  There’s an actual dance.  It’s like a prom for grownups who didn’t go to their own proms because they couldn’t find a cummerbund to match their sweat pants.

Sunday, January 16

• 9:15 a.m. – Youth and Future of the Cubs (Continental Ballroom) Four Cubs who are 25-years-old – Tyler Colvin, James Russell, Darwin Barney and Scott Maine – will discuss their transition to the big leagues.

Anyone who actually attends this session will receive free season tickets to the Iowa Cubs for 2011 and will be kicked in the head.

• 10:45 a.m. – Down on the Farm (Continental Ballroom) Oneri Fleita and Scouting Director Tim Wilken will lead a session.

This used to be a discussion of Cubs minor leaguers and their progression, but this year the Ricketts family is going to be on the panel as well, and Joe is going to explain how to run a chisel plow.

Honestly, it looks like the best Cubs Convention ever.