I came upon a very unsettling discovery this weekend, while assuming my normal Sunday position on the couch–to bring you, the intrepid home reader this column–I literally miss the days when the Bears were good enough to get Brian Baldinger as a color analyst. I mean it. I miss him.

I don’t know who this reflects more poorly on, the Bears or me?

Probably both of us.

For the second straight week the Bears draw the Fox “E” team of Curt Mennefee and Tim Green. I have no idea how to spell Mennefee and every week I forget to write it down. I suppose I could “Google” it and find out.

All right. Here goes nothing.

Check this out, if you spell it wrong, like I did up there, Desipio’s the first thing you get. I’ll bet Curt is so proud.

OK, it’s Menefee. That’s easy enough. Now back to our column, already in progress…

…and so Terry Bradshaw says, “The mule died!” Oh, it was a hoot.

Fox goes around the game sites in their pregame open and Curt Menefee shows us a number of local papers calling for the ouster of Dick Jauron. Only, the Sun Times they show has Lee Harvey Oswald on it. Could it be that Dick was on the grassy knoll? Hmmm?

Some guy named Scott Graham is in Cleveland he says that ALL of the Browns are behind the waiver of Kevin Johnson. What were they going to say? “Hey, that sucks! Cut me next, Butch!”???

Jimmy Johnson says that Jim Fassell was wrong to threaten to quit if the Giants didn’t start to play better. He says he should have threatened to fire somebody if they didn’t play better.

Frank Caliendo’s largely humorless take on an MTV Cribs like tour of Jimmy’s boat included one funny line, “Watch out for the stripper pole!”

On the CBS pregame show, they show a replay of the “Miracle of the Meadowlands” on the anniversary and you get to hear the actual call of the game with Don Criqui and Sonny Jurgenson. No really…Don Criqui. Twenty-five years later and he’s still calling the crappy games. Poor Don.

Jim Nantz tells us that Bills’ tackle Mike Williams will miss the game because of injuries suffered in a car accident on the way to the game. Didn’t that happen like three weeks ago to Corey Dillon? Who’s driving these guys to games, Jim McMahon?

On Fox, James Brown (JB) asks Terry Bradsaw (TB), “If either Green Bay (GB) or Tampa Bay (TB) loses today, can they make the playoffs? What, is JB predicting that GB and TB will tie? Huh?

In Terry’s in-depth interview with Jake Delhomme he basically tells Jake his wife is hot and then asks if she’s got any sisters for Terry to date. Remember in the 2001 NBA Draft when Craig Sager tried to get Casey Jacobsen to hook him up with a Stanford coed? It’s deja vu all over again.

Terry spells the word chunk for us. He spells it “cajun style,” C-H-U-N-N-K-E.

Fox has the offense from Rim of the World High School on, and James Brown tells us how this team is going to the California High School state playoffs despite having their season interrupted by the wild fires. It’s ironic, really that they had Rim of the World High School on, considering I went to End of the World High School.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week!

Ray Lewis is on my couch and he keeps asking, over and over, “What time is it?” And, “Are the dogs in the house.” For the 17th time, Ray, it’s 11:42 and no, the dogs are outside. Yikes.

Guh! I just missed Heidi Klum on the CBS pregame. I think it was Heidi Klum. I hate me.

On the NFL Network they have a show called “College Football Sunday” with CBS reject Mark Mayock and ESPN escapee Bill Patrick. The best part of this show is catching Bill trying to casually hide his glasses when the highlights end. Hey, it’s OK if you’re near sighted Bill. We don’t mind. Really.

Dat Nguyen just said, “I’ve been around a lot of great coaches…” Huh? Other than Bill Parcells, you’ve had Dave Campo and RC Slocum. That’s not exactly Knute Rockne and Vince Lombardi, there Dat.

It’s game time and Tim Green kicks off the broadcast by calling Curt Menefee “Chris.” Great, we get announcers who don’t even know each other.

Craig asks Tim if they should wear “nametags.” Whatever.

Fox shows us that Paul “Mr. Ed” Edinger has yet to get a touchback on one of his kickoffs in 37 attempts. Uh…make that 38. How is that possible?

I’m just happy because Jerametrius Butler is on the Rams. I love that name.

Hey, here’s something you only learn when a player is lying motionless on the field with a broken leg during the overtime of a Florida State – North Carolina State game on ABC. FSU wide receiver Craphonso Thorpe is named after his father. His father’s name is CRAig alPHONSO Thorpe. Crap-honso. That’s almost as good as NIU receiver Shatone Powers. Yes, Shat-one. Yikes.

In Chicago, Ahmad Merritt makes a great play to keep a Brad Maynard punt out of the end zone and the Rams will have the ball at their two.

In Carolina, our buddy Brian Baldinger is there and Rock Cartwright has just fumbled the ball into the end zone and the Panthers have recovered for a touchback. Yes, that’s right. Rock Cartwright now has more touchbacks than Paul Edinger.

In Chicago, Charles “Peanut” Tillman makes like a real defensive back and picks off a Mark Bulger pass. This Peanut, he’s pretty good. Who knew?

On the very next play, Jerametrius returns the favor and picks off a horrible pass from Chris Chandler. I think we need to check Chandler’s expiration date. It has to be weeks past by now.

At the exact moment that Jerametrius was picking off Chandler, Fred Smoot was picking Jake Delhomme’s pocket. That’s not that fascinating, I know. But it’s kind of cool.

Every time I see that Wachovia Securities commercial I remember when I was a kid and was told I’d go blind if I Wachovia’ed.

Tim Green remarks how the Baltimore Ravens had Mark Bulger “shaking” during their game last week, and how much more comfortable he looks today. What, the vaunted Bears defense is not as intimidating as the Ravens? Who knew?

Tim also says that Ray Lewis got into Bulger’s head by “jawing” at him. It’s probably that weird, manic need that Ray has to know what time it is and where the dogs are at all times. I know it drives me nuts.

Green says that the “Bears don’t have anyone who can get into a quarterback’s head.” Hell, they can barely get into his pocket.

Who says the Bears defense is not league-leading? Peanut just got flagged for his league-leading sixth pass interference penalty! Atta boy, Peanut!

Somewhere, Tim McCarver is trying to describe a “tightly wrapped slider” as Green disturbingly works the word “frontal” into every sentence. This time it’s, “To stop Tori Holt you have to be “frontally physical.”

Green insists that the Rams are “picking on” Charles Tillman and that they shouldn’t be. Nah, not with RW McQuarters playing nickel back.

In Philly, Dick Stockton just said, “Donovan McNabb looks a lot more sprightlier in the running game.” I have no idea.

The regular CBS Bengals team of Don Criqui and Steve Tasker are not in Cincinnati this week for the Bengals and Chiefs. I feel bad for Don and Steve. They get every lousy Bengals game and then CBS boots them for a good one so Kevin “Hollerin'” Harlan and Randy “I’m still babbling” Cross can do it?

Criqui and Hall of Fame Semifinalist (huh?) Tasker are in Buffalo for the Texans and Bills. Lucky them.

David Carr has been knocked out of the game, and Tasker should have his Hall of Fame candidacy stripped for saying, “Now you have to be happy with Houston general manager Charlie Casserly, who thinks that quarterbacks are like starting pitchers and you can never have too many.” I’m looking at the Houston depth chart of David Carr, Tony Banks and Dave Ragone and I’m trying not to laugh.

The Bears finally have completed a pass, although it bounced off TWO Rams before it got to Desmond Clark. What is this bumper football?

The Rams try a tricky tight end reverse to Cam Cleeland who is swallowed whole by Keith Traylor and Brian Urlacher. They settle for a field goal and it’s 3-0 with 1:09 left in the first.

Ravens kick returner Lamont Brightful just broke a kickoff more than 70 yards down deep into Dolphins territory. But the best part is that after he’s run out of bounds he stops to chat with a Dolphins cheerleader. Nice.

Menefee just called Tim Green, “Sammy”, apparently in an effort to get back at him for calling him “Chris” in the open. Maybe. Or maybe he forgot his name, too.

In Carolina, Baldy says he refuses to read the graphic on the screen so as not to curse Panthers kicker John Kasay. The graphic says that Kasay hasn’t missed a field goal in 22 attempts. He shanks his attempt. Apparently not reading it jinxed him.

In Chicago, Chris Chandler has been knocked to the turf and as he gets up we get the nice image of him with his chinstrap over his nose and a Cap Boso-like chunk of sod in his face. That’ll inspire confidence.

The Bears score on an RW McQuarters punt return to make it 14-3 and then get the ball back again after another interception. Who are these guys?

On third and eight Chandler throws a five yard pass to Booker. Oh, they’re the Bears.

At halftime, Tim Green makes a hilarious Crazy Train reference about Anthony “A-Train” Thomas. How about a Suicide Solution reference for John Shoop?

Warming up in the Rams bullpen: Kurt Warner.

David Terrell makes a nice play. Only it’s a defensive one. He has to give up on a pass from Chandler and instead knock it out of Aeneas Williams’ hands. Blecch.

In Cincinnati Sports Illustrated’s Cover is beating the Chiefs 10-6 in the third.

In Chicago it’s fourth and one for the Rams on the Bears 40. It’s the middle of the third quarter and they’re going for it. Mike Martz is no dummy. The Bears offense is done. He can give them the ball at the 15 and they won’t score.

Marshall Faulk needs one yard and gets…sigh…52.

However, we did see the cool sight of Bobby Gray sprinting to catch and then pass Marshall Faulk and tackling him inside the ten. Bobby’s pretty fast.

Menefee yells “Touchdown Chicago!” as Tori Holt catches a pass to make it 14-10. If only, Curt. If only.

I now wish Mike Martz coached my favorite team. How many coaches have the stones to try and onside kick in the third quarter? The Rams work one to perfection…well, almost perfection. They send two guys to block Bobby Gray as the ball is coming to him. However, and you didn’t get this from Curt and Tim, the rule states that you cannot block an opponent or touch the ball until it has gone ten yards. They clearly block Gray before the ball goes ten yards. The refs pay no attention to that, and even after the Bears challenge it, they give the ball to the Rams.

But once again, it’s Martz figuring out that the Bears offense is no threat.

In Cincy, it’s SI Cover 17, KC 3. Look out.

On fourth and two, the Rams are going for it again. They run an END AROUND! It works. They’re just toying with the Bears now. It’s embarassing.

The Bears have forgotten how to blitz and they’re getting no pass rush.

In Carolina, Baldy just used the word “venacular” and I think he pulled something.

Now the Bears are falling for plays that high school teams sniff out. The Rams run the standard tight-end-blocks-and-goes-to-the-ground, then gets up and runs to an open spot in the end zone for an easy TD play. It works to Brandon Manumaleluna. 17-14. Drive home safely.

The Redskins get a Peanut Tillman like pass intereference call (just a terrible call) and set themselves up for an easy TD and a 17-13 lead.

I’m thinking that Chris Chandler’s not healthier this year, he’s just gotten better at outwardly masking concussion symptoms. He’s useless right now.

Uh-oh. It’s SI Cover 24, KC 12.

Atlanta is playing at New Orleans and the Saints have just installed a brand new “AstroPlay” surface. This is great for Falcons QB Kurt Kittner, who has now sucked on natural grass, regular AstroTurf and AstroPlay now this year.

In a commercial, we find that Paris Hilton doesn’t know what Wal-Mart is. She should call Jessica Simpson. Besides, they sell camcorders at Wal-Mart, right?

Tim Green is making fun of Grant Wistrom’s hair. This is like Lou Henson picking on Gene Keady.

The Bears aren’t even to the fourth quarter yet and we’ve already got a horrendous 6-6 overtime game in Miami between the Dolphins and Ravens. Wait, Anthony Wright is playing QB for Baltimore and the Dolphins couldn’t beat HIM at home in regulation?

The ref tries to get Ray Lewis to call the coin toss, but Ray is busy asking, “What time is it?” and “Are the dogs in the house?”

In Carolina, Jake Delhomme is leading a frantic comeback…again. The Panthers just scored on a Stephen Davis TD run, though it looked like safety Matt Bowen knocked the ball out of Davis’ hands just before he could extend the ball to the goalline. The Redskins are reviewing, but even if they win the review, they’ll just get a third down for the Panthers, not the ball back. Stupid replay rule.

Chandler has awakened and hits two long passes, the second is to Desmond Clark inside the ten.

The call stands in Carolina and it’s 20-17 Panthers with 1:09 left.

In Chicago, Dez White just made a leaping grab and it’s 21-20 Bears. Where did ANY of that come from?

In Cincinnati, the SI Cover is hanging on to a 24-19 lead over KC.

Jerry Azumah picks off Bulger. The Bears have a chance to run the clock out.

Olindo Mare kicks a game winner in Miami and Wanny’s boys survive. Everyone is universally underwhelmed, however.

The Bears win their first replay challenge of the year when Marty Booker gets his enormous mitts under the ball for a diving first down catch.

In Cincy, the Chiefs cannot stop the vaunted SI Cover rushing attack and all is lost for the previously undefeated Chiefs.

The Bears have a crucial third down at the Rams 41. What will they run? How about a wide reciever screen for no gain! Instead, Chandler tries the bumper pool pass to Clark again. It’s time to punt. Guh. The Bears should just go for it. Maynard hasn’t kicked a punt more than 22 yards all year. Or something.

Maynard astonishes me and kicks a perfect punt. It hits at the one and bounces sideways and would have been perfect, except Ahmad Merritt came from inside the end zone to down it. What a moron.

James Brown gives us a GameBreak and tells Tim Green that Terry Bradshaw doesn’t want to hear Fabian Green making fun of anybody’s hair. Tim says he’ll cut a little of his and mail it to Terry for a toupee.

The Rams get the ball on their 20 with 2:30 to go down 21-20. Does anybody think they WON’T score? Anybody?

RW gets torched by Holt on a third and ten. Woof.

The Saints and Falcons are going to overtime in New Orleans. Yay?

The Bears make a play and sack Bulger, but Lance Briggs is flagged for a BS “illegal contact” play 20 yards down field.

The next play is a bogus “hands to the face” penalty on Peanut. Factor in the yards the Rams would have lost on the sack and the penalty yards and field position just shifted about 35 yards.

Wilkins hits a field goal to make it 21-20 Rams with :39 left.

Tim Green thinks the Bears still have a shot. Hey, he was in Detroit last week. He should know better.

Jerry Azumah takes the kickoff to the Bears 45 where only a tackle by the kicker saves the Rams from a longer return.

Dez catches a pass at the Rams 45 and doesn’t get out of bounds. Moron!

Terrell catches one at the 40 and does get out of bounds. But there are only :11 left.

On fourth and six, the Bears can try a 57 yard field goal with a kicker who has shanked four of his last seven tries, or they can try a short pass to pick up a few more yards and a first down and hope to get out of bounds in time to kick a shorter field goal, or they can try a Hail Mary.

They go for d) none of the above. Chandler throws one up short of the end zone to no one. Bears lose. Blecch.

It doesn’t matter, Aaron Gibson got called for “illegal hands to the face” anyway.

We now go to Tampa where the sardonic NFC lead crew of Joe Buck, Cris Collinsworth and Troy Aikman are on hand to suck the fun out of any game. Today it’s Packers and Bucs. It’s like rooting between North Korea and Iraq in a war. There are no winners here.

The first play we see is a holding penalty on the Bucs at their one yard line. Collinsworth gets so bent out of shape yelling that it should have been a safety and a holding IN the end zone, that he fails to notice that on the replay it doesn’t look like holding at all.

Collinsworth is going off on the Bucs for a lack of effort. Does he ever like anything? Ever?

In New Orleans, the Falcons survived for a little while when Deuce McAllister fumbled into the end zone on what would have been the game winner, but instead, John Carney kicks a field goal for the Saints. It’s over. Saints win.

In Seattle, the Seahawks have had the ball twice and it’s 14-0 over the Lions.

In Indianapolis, we get a rare sight. The Colts are punting on fourth and one, but it looks like the Jets went offsides. Jets special teams coach Mike Westhoff is standing by the flag on the field and he has a cane in his hand. He looks very much like he’d like to turn the cane over and use it like a seven-iron on the flag. He controls himself. The penalty goes on the Colts, they punt anyway.

Yikes, it’s now 35-7 in Seattle. How did the Bears lose to the Lions? Ever?

In Tampa, Joe Buck tells us that Monte Kiffin says that the Packers are the best “screen team” in the NFL. Green Bay says that Kiffin has the best combover in the NFL.

I loved this. With :28 left in the half, Hillbilly Brett Favre throws an incomplete pass. A flag flies, so Brett runs up to a ref giving the sign for holding and pointing at the the Bucs side of the ball. The ref smiles at Brett and gives a pass interference call…on the Packers. Hee hee.

Martin Grammatica kicks a field goal to make it 13-6 Green Bay at the half. But he does not do any dance. I miss the superflous Gramatica field goal dance. You know from the old days. Like, September.

In Seattle, the Lions have scored to make it 35-14 and, as Jason Hanson goes to kick off, the ball blows off the tee and Charlie Browns him. I liked that.

Somebody in Green Bay misfiled the memo that Thomas Jones can’t play. He has two ludicrously long runs against them.

The Packers have the ball at the one and Collinsworth is telling us how tough it is for the Packers to avoid a safety because with Ahman Green seven yards deep in the end zone, it’s tough for him to beat the linebackers to the line of scrimmage. Wouldn’t that be the same dilemma anywhere on the field? Hmm?

In Denver, Ian Eagle reads a promo for Survivor and Solomon Wilcots says, “I used to make blow darts when I was a kid.” Huh? Why was he hunting with a blow gun?

The Jets and Colts are in a wild one. Hunter Smith just ran a fake field goal in for a touchdown and it’s 38-31. Jim Nantz tells us that it’s his first TD in five years in the NFL. Really? That’s a shock, I’d expect a punter to have lots of TDs, Jim.

Next week the big afternoon game on Fox is Bears at Broncos. Ewww, you can just feel the excitement!

Cris Collinsworth and Troy Aikman really like Najeh Davenport. What’s not to like? He hasn’t pooped in a closet for almost two years now.

Ahman Green finishes off a 98 yard, 10 minute TD drive in Tampa and it’s 20-13 Packers. Ten minutes? Are these the Bucs? Really?

With 3:02 left in the third in Oakland, the Raiders are leading Minnesota 21-10. Rick Mirer has thrown seven passes. SEVEN!

Mirer shocks the Vikings and hits OJ Santiago for 30 yards. Bill Maas says that Mirer will be “the next great reclamation project.” Easy there, Bill. The Raiders have only let him throw eight passes. I don’t think they’re wowed by his ability.

Favre has reinjured his thumb by hitting on a helmet. It even makes my thumb hurt just watching it.

In a commercial for The Simpsons, we see kids striking against Springfield Elementary and one is holding up a sign that says, “Flunk Me? Flunk You!” In the show, you’ll see one that says, “Don’t touch my Pianissimo.” I love The Simpsons.

In Oakland, Vikings wide receiver Kelly Campbell catches a pass with his legs. Maas wonders if he uses that “Thighbuster” thing. Wow. Not only is that reference a decade late, it’s wrong, anyway.

Campbell uses his hands on the next one and a two-point conversion makes it 21-18, Minnesota with 8:32 left.

In Tampa, the Bucs know that Hillbilly Brett can’t throw and yet they can’t stop the run. It’s over.

In Oakland, the Raiders have driven to the three yard line and have fourth and two. They call on Sebastian Janikowski to kick a field goal with a little over three minutes left. But Bill Callahan changes his mind and they go for it. Mirer runs a nice fake and has Tim Brown wide open running into the end zone. The throw hits Brown on the hands and he drops it. Oops.

But on the second play of the ensuing drive, Daunte Culpepper makes a terrible throw and Rod Woodson makes a diving catch to seal it for Oakland.

What did we learn today?

– The Rams have no regard for field position, and it pays off.
– The Bucs are over.
– Sports Illustrated is at it again.
– The Vikings are going from 6-0 to playoff watchers on TV.
– Jim Fassell’s resignation is due, pronto.
– Bill Maas is a big Suzanne Sommers fan.
– Tim Green needs a haircut.
– Dan Reeves is just keeping the coach’s seat warm for Deion.
– The NFL is the most appealing assemblage of mediocrity, ever.

See you next week.