When the going gets tough, I take my responsibility as a man everyone in the world looks up to seriously. America…nay…the world needs me, and so, in a selfless act, I’m going to stand up and volunteer.

Somebody has to do it.

Somebody has to make things right.

Since none of you mopes are up to it, and certainly nobody named Bob Guiney is up to it—I’ll take the bullet.

Hey, Kelly Jo! I got your rose right over here!

What the hell was Bachelor Bob thinking last night? How can you pick weird, ruddy faced Estella over Chicago’s (OK, Wheaton’s) little sweetheart, Kelly Jo?

I’ll admit, I only watched the first episode and the last hour of last night’s, so I’m not sure if Kelly Jo did some weird things to Bob. Perhaps she snores. Maybe she chews with her mouth open. It could be that she’s very flatulent, or perhaps she has webbed feet. But anything short of her being a tranny seems a bit shallow.

Then again, were I on the show, Kristi

and Kelly Jo

would have made the finals. But that’s just me.

I think it’s all a ruse so that ABC can use Kelly Jo–who America loves–as the next Bachelorette. It makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, Bob only got to be the Bachelor because Trista picked charcoal drawing-sensitive-poet-fireman Ryan.

Anyway, I’ll be on the next Bachelorette, and I have been practicing what I’ll say to Kelly Jo when I hop out of the limo.

First, I put my beer down, and then I say, “You’re Kelly Jo? I’m world famous Internet sports columnist Andy Dolan. My, Kelly Jo is a pretty name. Do you have a little Irish in you?”

First, she’ll be taken aback by my handsomeness and probably have to catch her breath since I’m so famous. Then she’ll say, “No, I don’t have a little Irish in me.”

And I’ll say, “Do you want some?”

Oh, I’ve got a million of them.

But enough about weird television dating shows. Let’s get to some good hard, or more likely, frustrating flaccid news.

So, Michael Jackson’s going to the big house this time? What is this freak going to do in prison? How long will he last? The good news for you folks, is that later on this morning, Karry Ling…yes, Karry Ling has an exclusive interview with the 12 year old boy who is accusing Michael Jackson of sexually molesting him.

Oh, by the way did I mention we have a book for sale? Just in time for Christmas, no less. What were the odds?

Last night on Ed there was a truly fine moment of television. They don’t come along often, especially this season, but somebody needs to give some credit to the writers of this show. They stumbled through a largely hackneyed Thanksgiving episode and it looked like the highlight would be when Josh Randall (who plays the most underrated character on TV — Dr. Mike Burton) yelled at his father (played by Burt Reynolds–no, really) who had just burned his house down with a frying turkey. Dr. Burton yelled, “You’re impotent! You’re impotent!” About a dozen times. Thankfully, that wasn’t the highlight. Though, I’m sure somewhere, Loni Anderson gazed over her silcone and said, “Wow, now everybody knows.”

Anyway, I’m way off track. We knew from last week, and the endless promos, that Ed was going to propose to Carol. The idea of him taking her out to the pond and presenting her with as many of the things on her “25 favorite things” list that she wrote when she was 12, as he could find, was cute. But you can’t go wrong with any proposal set to the Old ’97s, “Question.” Just a great song.

One of the joys of Ed is that they have the best music in the business. I feel very strongly about this.

She woke from a dream
Her head was on fire
Why was he so nervous?
He took her to the park
She crossed her arms
And lowered her eyelids

Someday, somebody’s gonna ask you
A question that you should say “yes” to
Once in your life
Baby, tonight I’ve got a question for you

She’d had no idea
And started to cry
She said “in a good way”
He took her by the hand
Walked her back home
And they took the long way

Someday, somebody’s gonna ask you
The question that you should say “yes” to
Once in your life
Maybe tonight I’ve got a question for you

I’ve got a question for you…

You can’t go wrong with the Old ’97s. Ever.

Apparently “Remedy” isn’t just a bad Jason Mraz song, anymore.

Chris Chandler says that Rex Grossman’s not ready yet. But then, Chandler is suffering from yet another concussion and he also said, “Pancake super car jet staircase!”

The Illini won’t get Head for two more games.

Luther Head, the name that keeps on giving.

The December 6 game between Notre Dame and Syracuse could very well have Continental Tire Bowl implications. Oh, shoot me.

Gary Sheffield is negotiating his own contract, and his uncle, Dwight Gooden, says he’s going to sign with the Yankees. In related news, Michael Jackson is negotiating with police and is demanding to be sent to juvenile hall to await trial.

The Red Sox want to know where Nomar and Mia are registered so they can send them a wedding gift. I hear they registered at Bloomingdale’s for a purse that Mia can carry Nomar’s balls around in. Hey, was that out loud?

The Red Sox just like Terry Francona because he comes with a pre-shaven head.

The Cardinals will have to pay six million dollars to make Tino go away. Nice job there, Walt Jocketty.

Yesterday afternoon the first report was that William Green had stabbed himself. Accidentally. Under his shoulder blade. You’d have to be pretty flexible for that.

Sammy says Albie Pujols should have been the MVP. Sammy just wants Pujols to win out of respect for his elders. Besides, how many more chances will Pujols get before he breaks a hip?

You want topless photos of Cameron Diaz? I’ve got some. Actually they’re topless shots of Kirk Cameron and Bo Diaz, but you get the idea.

Paris Hilton says she doesn’t want to see her sex tape. Again. Don’t worry Paris, you can just watch one of the other nine about to hit the Internet.

A Florida woman had a stroke and now has an English accent. Seriously. Just like Madonna.

Surprisingly, Monica Lewinsky says that tales of her blowing the president, having him insert a cigar into her and that she saved a dress that he spooged on, have started to hinder her dating opportunities. That and she’s fat and annoying don’t help, either.

America’s finest news source with a column written by a squirrel about how much he loves nuts.