A lot will be said the next few days about how this was the Kordell Stewart we thought we were getting in the offseason. He ran around. He didn’t make many mistakes. In fact, on two seperate occasions he turfed the ball to protect the lead instead of making a risky pass. At least we think he turfed it on purpose…

But allow the wandering eye of Desipio to let you in on a little secret. There isn’t a nickel’s worth of difference between Chris Chandler and Kordell Stewart. One’s older and more concussed, one’s younger and more erratic. But look at their stats and their records and it’s pretty clear. They both suck.

Yesterday was a prime example.

In one half, Chandler was 8-18 for 79 yards and the Bears scored nine points.

In one half, Stewart was 7-15 for 47 yards (and he ran for 29 more) and the Bears scored ten points.

On the season, Chandler is 101-175 (57.7%) for 969 yards with three TDS, 7 picks and a 62.3 rating.

On the season Kordell is 82-159 (51.6%) for 792 yards with four TDs, 7 picks and a 55.9 rating.

If you add in rushing yards (Chandler has 31, Stewart 240) it makes their total yards:

Chandler 1000
Stewart 1032

There is no difference between these two guys. The Bears are 4-7, and they’re now 1-4 in games Kordell starts and 2-3 in games Chandler starts. But you should probably give Kordell credit for the win yesterday which would make him 2-4. Kordell’s beaten the Raiders and Broncos. Chandler’s beaten the Lions (and lost to them, which is amazing) and Chargers. Those don’t even count.

Let’s just say that it’s still all up to Rex. Woof.

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Yesterday’s game was fun, if only for the way the Bears defensive backs hammered the wimpy little Broncos. Ashley Lelie still has a hunk of Bobby Gray hanging out of him today.

How cool was Charles Tillman’s sack of Jake Plummer? He had to run past Plummer, shake a blocker, come back and dive to sack him. If only one of our defensive ends would rush the passer with that much verve.

Nice of the Bears to actually throw the ball down the field a couple of times. The Broncos got whistled for more than 60 yards of pass interference. You can’t get those calls if you keep throwing four yard outs.

Dez White is still lousy. He dropped an easy first down in the first half from Chandler. In the second half, he couldn’t find the ball on a long pass from Stewart. Granted, it wasn’t an expertly thrown pass, but a good NFL receiver would have at least ended up in the same zip code as the ball. Guh.

RW McQuarters is almost a good defensive back. He almost covers guys and almost stops them from catching passes and he almost tackles guys, too. Woof.

For the second week in a row, Chris Chandler threw a long pass into an empty end zone. He does know that not only does the ball need to be in the end zone for a touchdown, but that a guy has to take it in there for it to count. Right?

Again, I’m stupefyed. But that doesn’t take much.

Mike Ditka reported on the Score that he doesn’t think Dick Jauron is going to get fired at the end of the season. I’m sure Mike got this from his sources. Which at the moment are the little green men who appear on this shoulders when he takes Vicodin for the pain in his recent re-replaced hip.

I’m not saying it’s not an impossibility that Jauron stays, but I will tell you that it’s pretty close.

I’m also just dumb enough to think that the next coach will get a much better situation than Jauron got when he replaced Wanny five years ago.

On defense you get two guys who can actually cover receivers in Peanut Tillman and Jerry Azumah. Safeties who hit guys in Mike Brown and Bobby Gray. A very fast, active linebacking corps of Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs and Warrick Holdman, plus a promising pair of young defensive ends in Michael Haynes and Alex Brown.

The offense is less to write home about but there’s hopefully a real quarterback in Rex Grossman, a decent running back in the A-Train, at least two wide receivers and a real tight end in Desmond Clark. Hey, they’re not 4-7 for nothing.

So yes, if offered, I’ll take the job. And I’ll bring in Joey Cora to be my third base coach. Wait…

—

The Bulls season from hell continues. They’ve lost 546 straight games to Western Conference foes. They have one real scorer and he can’t shoot and they’re trying to trade him and the only team that will trade for him wants to trade the Bulls two guys who can’t play (Antonio Davis-old, Mo Peterson-bad.)

There’s only one guy to trade for in Toronto. You know who I mean. He’s a superstar. He’s a high flyer. He makes the women swoon.

Yes.

It’s Milt.

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Today on the Score morning show Mike Murphy (with a voice that sends dogs into seizures) said that Dusty Baker is the worst manager in baseball and that some day a team will hire him to manage the 21 hours out of the day that the game’s not played in and some other guy to manage the three in which the game is played.

Normally, I just ignore the weird little man who’s claim to fame is that he played the trumpet in the bleachers at Wrigley when most people thought he was the weird one and Ronnie Woo Woo was normal, but this kind of crap can’t go unchecked.

His fat little sidekick, complete non-entity Fred Huebner, is only too happy to go along with the Dusty bashing.

If Dusty’s so daft, how did the Cubs juggernaut overcome him to win 88 regular season games and six postseason ones?

What we don’t need is for Murphy to turn into the Chicago Skip Bayless. I thought that’s what Jay Mariotti was for? There are a lot worse managers than Dusty. Heck, the White Sox have employed two now in the past year alone. So just cram it.

—

David Huh is giddy about the Bears breaking their 12-game road losing streak.

Mr. Ed came through in the clutch. He’s a tough, weird, little, weird, good, weird kicker.

David Huh on Mr. Clutch…Stanley Pritchett? Oh, whatever.

Rosey is just angry and bitter and cranky. He says the Cubs are after Sterling “Shawn Estes” Hitchcock. He still likes to pile on Brian Urlacher (which is simple and dumb) and thinks the Bears should lose to get a good draft pick. That’s enough. Just let us enjoy a win once and while.

KC Johnson and the Sunshine Band say that the Bulls are being weighted down by talk of trading Jalen and firing Bill. I’m for both.

Yes, Karry Ling was at Sammy Sosa’s 35th birthday party this weekend. He’ll have a full report later on today.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write…a feel good column about Kordell? Really?

Gilbert Arenas has a “bruised lower abdomen“. That’s a real kick in the balls.

The great Dave Feschuk says the Raptors have to blow up their roster. Getting Eddie Robinson will do just that.

Peter Vecsey says, among other things, that John Paxson is looking for a new coach.

The Daily Telegraph in London says that police seized some “love letters” from Michael Jackson’s house. Eww.

Mmm. Mexican bologna carseat. Mmm.

I watch “Six Feet Under” and “Friends” and I have no idea who this is.

Ewww. Dentists are creepy enough with their clothes on.

That really was Tony Blair on The Simpsons last night. I don’t think it really was the Queen, though.

The world’s greatest newspaper has found Atlantis.

And finally. How great was it that this didn’t happen yesterday?

That will never get old.

Right Moran?