The Daily Herald ran a big photo of the guy the Bulls are supposedly going to hire as their new head coach and all I can say is “Soo soo sudio” to you, too, Phil.

That’s not Phil Collins?

Wait, that’s Scott Skiles? Gritty, gutty little Scott Skiles? Hey, this is just crazy enough to work.

Too bad I’m not.

First things first. I know we were pretty hard on Bill Cartwright in this space, and when I got the e-mail from the Bulls yesterday notifying me that Bill had been fired, my first reaction was, “Thank god.” But that does not mean I don’t like Bill, or that I don’t think he’s a fine man.

He was just a lousy basketball coach. Look, I think that Bill’s a good guy, I just don’t want him running my favorite NBA team.

You can tell that the players seemed to feel the same way. They felt guilty that their bad play had gotten him fired. But that didn’t care enough to do anything about it while he still had the job.

But really, that could have been because he’s not a real coach. Watch the Bulls on offense and try and explain to me what they’re trying to accomplish. Explain to me why Eddy Curry needs a map to the low post, or why Jamal Crawford will go three or four trips in a row and never take the ball inside the three point line. Explain to me why the starting lineup seems to be pulled from a hat. Explain to me why Kelly, Matt, Jake, Karry and I could defend every single inbounds play (both of them) that the Bulls run.

Then, explain to me why Bill Cartwright deserved to keep that job.

Now the focus turns to who the new coach will be. The leader in the clubhouse seems to be Scott Skiles. Skiles is best known for a few things. He got a DUI at Michigan State. He has the NBA record for most assists in a game with 30. He pissed off Jerry Colangelo so badly that even though he was doing a good job, he got fired in Phoenix anyway.

What’s not to like?

It’s too simple to say that the Bulls need a fiery coach. You don’t need a guy who’ll just yell to hear himself yell. We’ve all had bosses like that. That works for about three hours and then you spend your days plotting to cut the brake cables on their car. If yelling would turn the Bulls around, they could just hire Chip Caray and a bullhorn and he’d be coach of the year.

What Skiles is good at is forcing his teams to play as a team. Granted, it’s likely that whoever the Bulls new coach is, he’ll either never coach Jalen Rose, or he’ll only do it for a couple of weeks. Jalen is gone. When Paxson said the Cartwright firing was the first move, you could read between the lines and see that handing Jalen a Greyhound ticket was move number two.

Rose is not the only one to blame. He was brought in by The Hamster to bring a scorer to a team that couldn’t score any points. His chuck and duck approach was fine when any Bulls win seemed like a big deal. But now? Uh…not so much.

What makes you mad is that Rose can be an all-around player. There’s no reason he has to be a problem. Part of you wants to let the new coach give it a shot with him. He’s certainly more talented than any player they’ll get in return for him. Though, his contract is cumbersome no matter how well he’s playing.

Check this pile of crap out from Lacy J. Banks. Lacy says he can think of three candidates who are better choices than Skiles. He comes up with a) Doc Rivers–who is not really available, b) Mike Fratello–who has been surgically attached to Marv Albert and c)–Lacy’s so called best choice, Isiah Thomas. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A thousand times, NO! What has Isiah ever done but ruin things? He bought and bankrupted the CBA. He took a talented Pacers’ team and foisted Jamal Tinsley on the world and kept them from every winning anything. Plus, he’s a little dirtbag. You can’t trust him as far as you can throw him. John Paxson is not dumb enough to even consider hiring Isiah Thomas. He’s not even dumb enough to think about thinking about considering Isiah. Lacy J., we’re disappointed in you.

John MacLeod wants the world to know that he’d be happy to take the Bulls’ job. You already know what I think about this. He’s not exactly Mr. Excitement, but he can coach the hell out of a basketball team. Isn’t that what they really need?

Groucho says that this isn’t Paxson sending a message to Eddy and Tyson that they got Bill fired, but more that they’re being held accountable for their improvement. If the Bulls don’t win with the new guy, one of these guys likely goes before he does. However, Tyson seems to have “gotten it” and is held back more by a balky back than any lack of improvement. What Eddy needs is a real, NBA power forward to play along side him. The Bulls don’t have a single lineup combination that doesn’t involve the use of an undersized power forward (Donyell Marshall, Corie Blount, Marcus Fizer, Lonny Baxter, etc.) When Eddy’s 25 he won’t need a body guard. At 20, he still does.

Groucho with an entertaining piece on Scott Skiles, including the famous tale of Skiles calling Antoine Joubert “fat boy.”

Mike Downey says that John Paxson has the right to pick his own coach, and loyalty kept him from doing so in July.

The players were not happy that Mr. Bill got Sluggoed.

If he’s healthy (which is like saying, “If Kevin James isn’t fat”), Chris Chandler will start against the mighty Arizona Cardinals.

Champaign police don’t get Head…or Spears, or McBride.

The mighty, fighting Huskies of NIU went to Notre Dame and dumped one by only nine points to the Irish.

Bill Self is going to let the Jayhawks wear red shoes. Yikes. Those shoes are not great, and they’re not awesome.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write about Scott Skiles.

The Wizard of Roz on the Bulls’ coaching situation.

Tuft McGraw on Mr. Softy, Brad Miller.

The Red Sox have stolen Curt Schilling and his size 42 pants from the Diamondbacks for Casey Fossum (sucks), Brandon Lyon (traded three times in four months) and two never will bes.

The Angels signed Kelvim Escobar and are after Vladimir “Guer-rero”. Is he any relation to Vladimir Guerrero? That’d be cool.

Alonzo Mourning is retiring. Again.

Things are even more fun than usual in Cleveland.

The Orange County Register thinks Shannon Stewart is a speedster. Well, sure, he stole four bases in 2003.

Jim Hendry expects the offseason movement to pick up. Gee, ya think?

Michael Holley proves again that he’s a talentless hack.

This is why I hate Curt Schilling. He’s not even a Red Sock yet and he’s picking the manager. Go have another doughnut you fat pig…

Looks like the Brewers’ 2003 rotation just suffered another blow.

See if you can stomach this fellating effort on Schilling by Jayson Stark.

Michael Jackson has had time to start a new Web site. Maybe it was just an old kiddie porn one that he remodeled?

Here’s Mike’s new Web site.

Glen Campbell got his picture taken by the Phoenix police.

Lookin’ good, Rhinestone Cowboy.

One Big Brother contestant knocked up another one in the Danish version.

Jake was kind enough to post this in the Discussion on Friday’s Dose. It’s your guide to the next Survivor, “All-Star Survivor.” You get all of our old favorites. Dick Hatch, Rudy, Colby, Jerri, Funny Rob, annoying Boston Rob and more. But who the hell is Amber? The bangs need to go, but she’s pretty hot. I just don’t remember her.

Maybe I remember her a little:

That kind of jogs my memory:

Here’s the rest of them. Me likey. I know who I’m rooting for.

Bad news to any of you St. Louis Cardinals fans living in Kentucky. You have to bathe once a year now. It’s the law.

The world’s greatest newspaper says that Michael Jackson is now buff. Must be the THG.