Hello again everybody, it’s your old friend Karry Ling and I just got back from Sammy Sosa’s 35th birthday party in lovely La Romana in the Dominican Republic. The big party was on Saturday, but I got so tanked on rum that I didn’t wake up until Monday.

You know you had a good time when you can say that.

I wasn’t the only A-list celebrity there. Also in attendance were Major League Baseball dumbass…er…I mean commissioner Alan H. Bud Selig and US Ambassador Hans Hertell. Eric Karros, Mark Grudzielanek, Moises Alou and Billy Williams were there. Jeff Bagwell showed up and got drunk and told hilarious stories about seeing Chip Caray pantless, and crying, in front of Craig Biggio’s hotel room the last time the Astros were in Chicago.

But those weren’t all the celebrities. Sammy packs them in. Others who made it.

– Erik Estrada

– Carrottop

– Danny Bonaduce

– Either Cagney or Lacy…the one who’s not gay.

– Manny Alexander

– The guy who played Paul on “Cheers.”

– Kelly Jo from The Bachelor, who told stories about how Bachelor Bob dumped her because she refused to diaper him and let him call her “mommy.” Oh, by the way Andy, I gave her your cell phone number.

– The Iglesias singer who’s not Julio, Julio Jr., or Enrique.

– Rupert from “Survivor” who came to the party and blew off his scheduled appearance on “The Late Show with David Letterman” Monday.

– All of the guys who write the funny stuff on “Jimmy Kimmel Live”—so, nobody.

– The guy who Sammy hit over the head with a rum bottle a few years back.

– Jose Lima, who drank half a bottle of tequila and yelled “Lima Time” until Sammy’s security team made a pinata out of him.

– Bruce Levine who reported that Sammy’s birthday cake had been traded to Puerto Rico for a case of rum and four strippers. Alas, Bruce was wrong again.

– George Ofman showed up, asked a stupid question and was “put out to sea”. Oh, if only he wasn’t so buoyant.

– I picked a fight with Sammy just to prove a point. I heckled him about his corked bat and when he got mad enough I told him I was the Cutoff Man. I knew at that point he wouldn’t be able to hit me.

I’ve got a million of ’em!

But really, the party was a blast. I overheard some interesting stuff. Karros knows he won’t be back and is considering an offer from the Angels. Mark Grudzielanek still thinks he will be back will the Cubs. Manny Alexander tried to sell me some “stuff” out of the trunk of his car.

A couple native guys bragged about how they’d like to “Cindy Sandberg” some of the American women there. I have no idea.

Bud Selig gave Sammy a list of drug testing dates and baggie full of urine. I have no idea.

He gave one to me, too, and it wasn’t as tasty as I had hoped.

Albert Pujols dropped by to thank Sammy for sticking up for him after the MVP voting. Sammy thanked Albert by pushing him around in his wheelchair for a while.

Sammy gave a speech in which he thanked baseball for honoring him with a plaque to commemorate that he is the first Latin American player to hit 500 homers. Sammy’s dogs also thanked both Hee Seop Choi and Jim Edmonds for not coming, and for two completely different reasons.

Chip Caray sent a message via videotape that was burned and will never be seen.

Steve Stone worried that the visibility at the start of the party was poor.

And the party ended, as usual, when Ron Santo fell into the pool and had to use his toupee as a flotation device.

A good time was had by all.

Until next time, America.