In today’s Chicago Tribune, our buddy Groucho Smith (just look at his photo) says the secret words and comes up with a horde of trade possibilities for the Bulls. Some are solid, most are daft. Let’s take a look.

Sam Smith: Deadline deals for Bulls

Let’s see what Groucho came up with, and we’ll run them through the trade evaluator at www.realgm.com and see if they work out, cap wise.

1. Portland sends Antonio Daniels and a number one pick in 2003 to Chicago for Fred Hoiberg, Roger Mason, Trenton Hassell, Dalibor Bagaric and a number one pick in 2003

Real GM says: It works.

We say: What the hell do the Bulls want Antonio Daniels for? Last we checked, Antonio was still a 6’3 guard who doesn’t have enough point guard skills to play the point, and not enough shooting guard skills to play the two. He couldn’t succeed with Tim Duncan drawing every double team in the world in San Antonio, and he doesn’t even play in Portland. I can see throwing the refuse that is the four headed monster of Hoiberg-Mason-Hassell-Bagaric for one supposedly talented player, but then throw in the number one pick, too? No sale.

Besides, you just watch, Roger Mason IS Antonio Daniels. Why trade for another one?

2. Miami sends Eddie Jones to Chicago for Eddie Robinson, Jamal Crawford (or Marcus Fizer) Dalibor Bagaric and Fred Hoiberg

Real GM says: It works with Crawford and it works with Fizer.

We say: If Eddie Jones comes, do the Bulls have unretire Brad Sellers’ number six? This trade makes sense for the Bulls. They get rid of Eddie’s contract, Jamal goes away to pout on somebody else’s bench and Red Kerr doesn’t get to think he’s funny when he yells, “Hello Dolly!” during the broadcasts anymore. But it’s almost as if Groucho has pounded this trade into our heads for so long that Jerry Krause won’t do it, just to spite him.

3. Golden State sends Mike Dunleavy and Danny Fortson to Chicago for Jamal Crawford, Eddie Robinson and the Bulls’ number one pick in 2003 (lottery protected in case it’s number one).

Real GM says: It works.

We say: Since Groucho insists these trades aren’t being made to get the Bulls into the playoffs this year, what good is having Marcus Fizer and Danny Fortson on the same team? Why not just bring back Byron Houston to complete the world’s widest, shortest front line?

And do the Bulls really want another malajusted Dookie? Aren’t the babysitters busy enough with Jay Williams? Can they take on the suckling of Dunleavy, too? I honestly don’t see why the Bulls would have to throw a number one pick into this trade. The Warriors are getting the better players. Screw the draft pick.

4. Washington sends Kwame Brown and Juan Dixon to Chicago for Eddy Curry and Jamal Crawford.

Real GM says: It works.

We say: We like this trade, because we like the idea of Kwame Brown and Tyson Chandler playing together. But what are we supposed to do with Juan Dixon? He’s a 5’10 (seriously, anybody measured him?) point guard who weighs 165 pounds. No thanks. You’re not giving up on Curry because you’re getting Brown. But you are basically just giving Crawford away. I don’t think this trade will ever happen because Krause doesn’t want to let Michael Jordan get his hands on a player Jordan wants.

5. Memphis sends Shane Battier and Stromile Swift to Chicago for Eddie Robinson and the Bulls’ number one pick protected if it’s number one overall.

Real GM says: It works.

Another erstwhile Dookie, albeit one who proved he could play a little bit last year. The Bulls seriously thought about drafting Battier last year, and it’s obvious that Hubie Brown’s decaying corpse has no use for him in Memphis. If that’s the case, why would the Bulls need to deal a number one to get him? Stromile is athletic and has a cool name, but has done nothing but play well, get hurt, play poorly, get hurt, rinse repeat.

If they can do it without the number one…more power to them.

Where does that leave us? Probably with the Eddie Jones trade the most realistic option. It makes sense. It gives the Bulls a real shooting guard, and a guy who can actually defend one-on-one (what a concept!). It gives the Heat a good young point guard (or so we’re told) and in Eddie Robinson a guy with the kind of Ricky Davis potential that Pat Riley shipped out after a whopping eight days.

But since the NBA trade deadline tends to be nothing but sound and fury, we’ll have to see.

Maybe we’ll get another Toni Kukoc-Larry Hughes-John Starks-Bruce Bowen epic?

A guy can dream…