Starting today, the Arlington Heights Daily Herald has followed through on their threat and some of their content is now tucked behind a pay wall.  Given that everyone had already stopped paying for the actual print version of the paper two years ago, there’s no chance in hell that anyone will pay to read it online.  This is the paper that can’t send our good friend Bruce Miles 0n road trips to Cincinnati or St. Louis because it’s too expensive.  It’s not exactly a MENSA convention over there.

One of the things they put behind the paywall is Barry Rozner’s column.  Now, if this were 1998 when he was prolific and fairly good it would have caused a mild stir.  But in 2011 it’s the equivalent of telling everyone that you’re raising the price on 8-track tapes.  Nobody gives a shit.

In fact, since Rozner writes so sporadically these days, even his “fans” are used to not reading him.

But when he does write, it’s just rehashed bullshit anyway (and yes, I get the irony of me mocking someone for not writing more often, so don’t bother), so predictable that we could just write his columns ourselves.

So let’s do it.

Most Rozner columns are made up of five parts.

Part 1

The bold take

It’s usually not all that bold, or all that interesting, but he thinks he’s being edgy.  In recent years he only has five things he takes “bold” stands on.  So pick one:

a) The Cubs hate Ryne Sandberg and he’s great because he let me write a book with him and his first wife smelled good, and by good, I mean she smelled like Dr. Pepper lip gloss and Mexican sex sweat.  His second wife smells like Life Savers pep-o-mint…we all know that wint-o-green is far superior.

b) The Vancouver Canucks have loser fans.  I know this because they’re always at my loser support group meetings.

c) Jay Cutler shrugs a lot.  What’s up with that?

d) Catching up with John Fiero and/or Anthony Molina.  God the Cubs and/or Ben Christensen are assholes!

e) The Cubs should fire Jim Hendry.  (In event of his firing) The Cubs should have fired Jim Hendry earlier.  (Six months after his firing) Why did the Cubs fire Jim Hendry it was all Crane Kenney’s fault.

Part 2

Smartest GM not in baseball today

Time to check the inbox on my Google machine to see what pearls of wisdom Sanjay H. has dropped in there.  Oh, here’s a gem:

“The Cubs should trade Starlin Castro (who clearly can not handle defense at shortstop) to the Indians for Grady Sizemore (Cubs trainers would do wonders with the talented but oft-injured centerfielder) and move Darwin Barney to shortstop where his defense will more than make up for the offensive drop off from Castro.  This would then allow them to move Marlon Byrd to left and Alfonso Soriano back to his natural position…second base.”

Part 3

Brine time!

Why come up with your own content, when you can just surf over to and steal some of their shit, too.  I don’t like the edgy stuff, so I go for ones like “Grandmother tells Ray Lewis not to scratch himself on the field…or murder people with knives so much.”

Part 4

Miami’s just a far south suburb

At the Super Bowl one year, Miami Herald columnist Greg Cote was nice to me.  By nice I mean he was the only guy in the press box who didn’t ignore me or tell me that I sucked.  He’s also a good writer, so for no apparent reason, I often run tidbits from his column, even if they have no connection to Chicago.

Here’s a great one:

Maryland students also wore T-shirts that bore Miami’s ‘U’ logo but read, “It Sucks To Be U.”

Part 5

In Kase(berg) of emergency, run some really unfunny jokes

For a big finish, just go with hilarious jokes from the best comedian I know, Alex Kaseberg.

Check these out!

The Kentucky man, who lost his lawsuit against his doctor for amputating his penis without his permission, is still furious at the doctor. And you can’t blame him for being a little short.

It is really getting ugly between Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. Is it just me or do these two guys look like the guys smoking pipes and raking leaves in the Fall LL Bean catalog?

Is it just me or do these two guys look like the golfers who can’t wait for a ball to go in the sand trap so they can say; “Hey, nice shot, you’re on the beach.”

After Irene, a storm called Katia is building. I dated a woman named Katia right after college. So East Coast prepare to get pulled into a bar fight, your favorite t-shirt stolen and your car keyed after an ugly break up.

The guy is a talent!  (These are all really Kaseberg jokes by the way.  The guy has literally never made a funny joke…ever.  He’s only been at it for TEN years.  Every day.)

And with that…you have your own Barry Rozner column…for free.

And, you’re just as much dumber for it as you would have been if you read a real one.