There’s dumb, like trading Magglio Ordonez for Odalis Perez, and there’s superdumb, like not taking Johnny Fair Play to the finals with you in Survivor, even though he’s the most hated man in the world not found cowering in a spider hole yesterday.

But that’s Lillian, she’s just stupid. I was really hoping she’d win the million dollars so she could get those jacked up chicklet teeth of hers fixed. Actually, there have been few Survivor contestants, ever, who I have liked less than Lillian. When she won the last immunity challenge, I gave up all hope that she could be stopped. But, she managed to pull it off.

Remember in Survivor: Amazon when Colby took the old lady to the finals with him instead of hated, annoying chef-guy, Keith? This was exactly what Lillian did. Colby admitted he didn’t want to spend one more night around Keith so he launched him. Lillian said she didn’t want John to win first or second, so she left him behind. She said she didn’t appreciate of his “lifestyle.”

Lifestyle? Is there a scout badge in imposing your morals on someone else? Actually, there probably is.

In the end, the three hour finale of Survivor was frustrating and boring. This is a franchise in serious need of a revamp. Maybe the All-Star Survivor in February will breathe some life back into it. But when you find yourself constantly looking at the clock and praying it will end. That’s a problem.

The biggest problem is that the last Survivor of any season is too long. They always try and drag out a one hour show into a two hour one. All we want is to find out who won and then get to the reunion show.

Last night’s reunion show had it’s moments. Jeff “Anal” Probst interviewed Jon’s dead grandma. He dished that sweet, hot, dear Nicole and Andy Suitcoat may have hooked up (she denied it) and that hot, college student Michelle and Burton did as well, while they were waiting to go back into the game as Outcast Survivors. Neither one denied that.

Has any Survivor ever looked as different on and off the island as Burton? Without the stupid buff on his head and the beard he looks like a completely different guy. The only thing that’s the same is that creepy voice of his.

I had a big problem with the final immunity challenge. You knew it was coming, because they hadn’t done any kind of endurance challenge, and so it was no surprise when Anal took the final three out to some rafts. The only rule was that your butt and your knees couldn’t touch the raft. So why did they all squat on the raft? Why didn’t they stand up? Are you telling me that if you stood with your feet shoulder width apart with your hands on your knees that you couldn’t have lasted a lot longer than you could squatting with your knees up in your face and your ass three inches off the raft? Morans.

And so Sandra, perhaps the least deserving of all, won the million dollars. Sandra, the only Puerto Rican in the world who can’t swim. Sandra, the loudest, most obnoxious woman on the show.

Reggie White called me after the show to remind me that it’s really not that big of a deal that Sandra won the million dollars because in a typical Puerto Rican family that only comes to about $80 a person.

Was that out loud?

A few of last night’s highlights included Lillian saying the words “piss break” and then getting so upset at the jury members criticizing her for wearing the scout uniform and lying (which was the dumbest argument ever) that she called it “bulls@#$.” She won a merit badge in cursing, at least.

I started throwing things at the TV when Lillian was reading her letters from home and bellowing and crying. Pull it together woman. That was the moment I knew she just could not win. It just wouldn’t be right.

A few things about our Survivor buddies.

Darrah is really actually very pretty when she’s had a shower and gained 20 pounds (back to about 85 pounds total). But she’s no model.

Christa is just plain weird.

Rupert seems to have become a little more well adjusted since the day he was voted off and screamed that he “needed to win,” for his own self-confidence. It’s still kind of sad.

Both Ryans have serial killer potential.

I had completely forgotten Trish ever existed.

Nicole’s still the hottest one. Nice touch when Jon put her torch on the pirate ship and was asked to give a rememberance of her and said, “Rockin’ bod.”

He was a weird little guy, and he’s one of those guys who thinks he’s cool when he’s not, but the show would have really sucked without Johnny Fair Play.

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The Rex Grossman era began in Chicago yesterday and his numbers weren’t great 13-30 for 157 yards, but there was a lot to like from Rex’s debut. He learned the hard way not to throw the ball at Dez…ever. White misjudged a first quarter bomb (just like he did last week at Green Bay) and in the third quarter Dez let one clank off his hands at the five yard line. If he catches both (as most wide receivers would have) Rex has a pretty big day.

Pardon the Bears receivers though if it takes them a while to get used to catching the ball on time out of their breaks, to get used to catching the ball in stride and to get used to having it zipped to them and not lobbed at them like a water balloon.

Anybody was afraid Rex was just a righthanded Cade McNown should rest easy now. He has the arm that Cade never had (even before Cade’s shoudler separation in Philly), he got the team in and out of the huddle and to the line in time to audible (something Kordell hasn’t figured out yet) and he’s the most talented Bears quarterback since…who…Sid Luckman? That’s as much an indictment of the Bears as it is a credit to Rex.

But the Bears offense is still crap. They only scored a touchdown after the Vikings punter pulled a Sean Landeta and had to run with a dropped snap.

In fact, it would have been a Dick Jauron microcosm game if not for an incredible play by Charles Tillman in the end zone, stripping Randy Moss of the game-winning TD. Moss will have nightmares about Tillman all week. Not only did he punk him on that pass, but in the first half, Moss shortarmed a deep pass because Tillman was going to hammer him.

Is the play of the young Bears going to save Jauron’s job? You’d have to think that a team with good young players like Brian Urlacher, Mike Brown, Alex Brown, Michael Haynes, Lance Briggs, Jerry Azumah, Peanut Tillman, Marty Booker, Justin Gage and Grossman would be attractive to a big name coach. This will just be too typically Bear if they screw it up and bring this coaching staff back.

Sigh.

Easily the worst part about the Bears win yesterday is that it looks like the Packers are going to win the NFC North thanks to their win over the Bears last week and the Bears win over Minnesota yesterday. I hate it when the Packers win anything.

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The winter meetings are almost over and the big news for us Cubs fans was the Cardinals trade of JD Drew and Eli Marrero to the Braves for Jason Marquis (sucks), Ray King (sucks), Adam Wainright (young pitcher given to Tony LaRussa–muahahahahahaha) and somebody else.

This reminds me of one of Steve Stone’s best lines ever. “If the Braves call you and offer you a trade. Hang up.”

The Cardinals just don’t get it. While trading Drew was probably the right move since he’s always hurt, Tony LaRussa hates him and he’s a free agent after 2004, they didn’t get much. Wainright could be a stud, but would the Braves have traded him, given their need for pitching (they’ve lost Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux and Kevin Millwood the past two years) would they have included him if he was as good as everybody thought. Remember Micah Bowie and Joey Nation? Hmmm? Marquis is a .500 pitcher who Bobby Cox hated with a passion and King is a hack.

Hee hee.

The White Sox have talked with the Dodgers about trading Magglio Ordonez for Odalis Perez (uh…no), Guillermo Mota (stud) and two prospects. Basically you’re trading your best player for a tanner version of Shawn Estes, a stud middle reliever and two minor leaguers. Kenny Williams isn’t this dumb is he? Is he?

The Orioles have whipped out the checkbook and have already signed Miguel Tejada and could sign both Pudge Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero this week. Hey, they could spend $220 million this week and might actually be able to pass the Blue Jays for third place in the AL East!

—

The Bulls completed a trade this morning with the Raptors for a point guard! They sent Roger Mason, Jr. to Toronto for Milt Palacio!

No, wait, it was Rick Brunson. Oh, never mind.

—

Rex was big news yesterday, but Peanut was the big story. Just how good is this guy going to be? Wow.

David Huh throws a wet blanket on Rex’s day. Thanks, jagoff.

Teddy Greenstein doesn’t think the Dodgers deal is close.

Tony Graffanino is a Royal. I’m going to miss him. Hey Tony, there’s a force at third! Hee hee.

Notre Dame and DePaul played on a Sunday afternoon during a Bears home game? What, didn’t they want anybody to notice?

Dusty wants to get Steve Bartman off the hook. I’d like to hang him on one.

Bruce Weber is weird.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to fellate Rex.

Jim Hendry’s wish list includes Scott Spiezio (nice), Todd Hollandsworth (he’s not Troy O’Leary) and Jeromy Burnitz (huh?) It’s funny, people keep wondering if Burnitz is “ready” to be a fourth outfielder. He’s been playing like one for years.

The Sun-Times is more optimistic about the Dodgers deal.

Jayson Stark on the O’s.

Matt Millen really is a deep thinker, isn’t he?

Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.

Is everybody as tired as I am of the A-Rod crap?

The Marlins are after Scott Williamson. So are the Cardinals, who apparently have offered Jason Marquis. Man, they love that trade, too, huh?

The Indians are after Todd Walker.

Curt Schilling says he and Roger Clemens have the same body type. They’re both fat.

The Bulls picked up Rick Brunson and this should be fun, since Chris Jeffries and him hate each other.

The Saddam trial will be on TV.

Saddam likes hot dogs. That’ll serve him well in prison.

Saddam told the soldiers he was willing to negotiate. Sure, you can keep your fingers, we’ll just cut out your tongue.

Peter Jennings picked a bad weekend to be on assignment.

America’s finest news source on a report that says poor people are pretty much…uh…screwed.