What was the biggest shock from last night’s Joe Millionaire almost-but-not-quite finale? Was it Joe…Evan…whatever picking Zora? Was it Zora wanting to continue “the journey”—even with Steve Perry this Journey would be bad–? Or was it that Katy, the woman we openly pined for in the opener is hot and funny!?!

Oh, dear Katy, we hardly knew ye.

Anyway, the two hour Joe Millionaire finale wasn’t the final show, and it wasn’t really a two hour episode. Does Fox ever not lie to anybody?

The first hour was a cheesy clip-show/reunion thought it did have some pretty good stuff. And, then the regular episode isn’t even the last one, because next week we get to see even more of Evan and Zora.

The cheesy clip-show/reunion started with the star of the first hour, Katy. We were reminded that Katy was the one who asked Joe what his middle name was. He responded with, “uh….uh…um…uh…um…uh” and she then said, “That’s a beautiful name.” No, wait, that was from Fletch.

She also mocked the importance the show organizers put on trying to give Evan a crash course in manners and etiquette. “I don’t want to come home and waltz,” she said. “I want to have a beer and watch the game.”

Marry me, Katy.

Some non-descript woman named Amanda said, “I think he likes big breasts.”

That’s a pretty long limb you’re out there on, Amanda.

I also like Dayana, the woman who complained about her ugly purple dress and who said, “I came on the show to meet Prince Charming, and instead, I got Evan.”

Fox did a great job of editing this part of the show. We then got re-introduced to the last four girls to get the boot.

Alison, the hot redhead who told Evan she wanted to get the boot, and then cried about it was first up. She did a lot of sighing and basically giving off the, “Why am I here” vibe. She also bitched about everything and uttered the words, “Who doesn’t like goat cheese?”

Me. For one.

Then we got Mojo, the pretty, but just awful gold digger from Indianapolis. Fox gave us almost a minute montage of her waving at people with her eyebrows. Yikes. She said, “After we got to the final four, he kind of chose for me to not stay.”

Kind of. Like he sent you home.

She also said she came home and got tired of “people talking smack about me” on the radio. Talking smack? Hey, who set the time machine for 1987?

Melissa, my personal favorite of the girls who made it past day one revealed she paid her way through college. We know that means, don’t we boys? “Stripper!” Whoo hoo!

Oh, wait. She says she’s been a bartender for six years. Also a fine profession.

But she’s 24. How many bars let you bartend at 18? Where’s she from, West Virginia?

And then, our pal Heidi was up. Heidi was so vile that even Paul the butler guy couldn’t hide his disdain for her. Katy revealed that Heidi was even a bigger bitch in real life than on the show.

Heidi said that she knew the other girls were losers when they made a big deal out of her having a boyfriend. “Obviously, if I were one of the girls who decided to go into the woods with him,” she said. “Then I was breaking it off with my boyfriend.” Take that, Sarah.

Heidi also said, “Maybe I’m scary.” No maybes about that.

Fox even introduced us to her boyfriend. (Not making this up) Joe. Joe said, “she’s the funnest girl I know.” Funnest? He then added (again, not making this up) “she dances like a stripper though.”

Sweet.

Then, the single funniest three minutes in Joe Millionaire history. A trip to Lamberville, New Jersey to see Zora’s home town.

First, we were treated to the sight of Zora making out with a horse. Then, we met Dave the mayor. Just Dave. Apparently, he’s like Cher. He doesn’t need to be troubled with a last name.

Dave said, “We look forward to Zora going all the way.” So does Evan. (wink wink)

We saw photos of Zora in high school (get a haircut!), we saw photos of Zora working at a nursing home. We saw Zora explaining that she used her ghetto furnace (the stove) and nearly burned down her apartment one day. She’s not getting that security deposit back, now.

Zora is a substitute teacher at a rehab center for the elderly. What the hell does that mean? What is she teaching? Why can’t she get a full-time job if she’s so lovely and fun and happy and great? Why am I writing in all questions?

At that very moment, I knew Zora “won.” They spent way too much time with her in New Jersey for her to be mad that she lost.

Then it was off to California to have Sarah explain why she made fetish movies. She basically said, “My motto is it’s better to regret something you did, than something you didn’t do.” How John Wayne Gacy of you, Sarah…

She then went on to say, “I enjoyed watching guys jerk off while looking at my dirty feet.” OK, she may have said that, but Fox must have edited it out.

Finally, the clip show ended and it was time for the “finale.”

Sarah and Zora were sitting at a long table eating lunch and Sarah uttered the understatement of the year. “It’s getting weird around the chateau.” Really? You don’t say?

We then were treated to long, laborious shots of Zora, Sarah and Evan getting ready. Here’s Evan, supposedly a dead ass broke construction worker who has been given a brand new wardrobe of clothes and he picks the cheesiest green sweater to wear. Blecch.

Paul comes up and struggles through the hair spray fog to get to Zora to summon her to the parlor.

Evan comes in and says to Zora. “You’re no dummy.” Don’t be so sure, there ace. “I always saw something in you that made me at ease with you.” Must have been that perpetual look of “ooh, shiny objects!” that she gave off. “I’ve chosen you.”

Zora then looked as though she may have had a mild stroke.

Evan stuttered and stammered and finally blurted out, “I didn’t inherit 50 million dollars.” Zora’s stroke began to worsen and drool rolled down her left side. She was waiting for him to say, “I inherited 500 million dollars!”

Evan asked Zora to return to the parlor that night with an answer about whether she wanted to “continue the Journey” (cue Steve Perry).

Then it was time to bring Sarah down to the parlor. Sarah was apparently so confident that she’d won that she felt the need to bring her coat so she could show Zora’s loser ass to the door.

If you thought Evan stammered a lot in his Zora speech, he was positively Mel Tillis in this one. “The times we’ve been together have been neat,” he stuttered. Neat? Ouch, babe.

“I can’t think of a time when I’ve ever not had fun with you. I didn’t choose you, though.”

Sarah was in shock (which was fun to see). He told her he was poor and she said of him not being a millionaire, “Do you think that was something I’d be concerned with?” It then appeared that Evan had an unexpected bowel movement.

Sarah was sent packing (literally) but Paul showed up with third place finisher Melissa to help Sarah pack. Melissa’s idea of helping Sarah pack was to bum some smokes off of her and sit on the bed doing her Joe Millionaire dumb guy voice impression. She’s good at it. A little too good. She then said, “Money doesn’t make you suave.” No kidding.

The most comical part of this scene was the secret code that Melissa and Sarah were using to fool us, so we wouldn’t know they were talking about Sarah giving Joe the hummer in the woods. Let’s just say you didn’t need to bring in a Windtalker to crack the code.

Sarah might as well have done the shake your fist near your face and stick your tongue in your cheek manuever. That’d have fooled us, too.

Our next shot was of Zora in the woods making a run for it. Run Forrest, run! Run Forrest! All we needed was an old pickup full of kids throwing rocks at her.

But then, we saw Evan in his tux standing in the parlor waiting for Zora. And voila! (just like those frozen chicken and veggie dinners in the super market) Zora appeared!

She said she wanted to continue the Journey with him (cue Steve Perry)

even though she values honest most of all.

Evan gave her a ring (which was funny since Sarah and Melissa had openly wondered if the jewelry they’d been given was real–and since we’d already seen Zora’s ingenius plot to sell her jewels to pay for medical care for a dying aunt in Yugoslavia) for her right hand.

He oped it would fit. She said she had big knuckles. He said he had BIG KNUCKLES, TOO!

Awww.

Paul came back in with a platter in his hand. Evan was hoping there was a hamburger under it. Zora was hoping there was some rohypnol so she could put these two clowns to sleep and make a run for it, again.

Paul gave a cheesy speech about true love and then revealed a check from Fox (not signed by Rupert Murdoch, though) to “make you real millionaires.”

Technically, he made them both half-millionaires, but who are we to quibble?

Evan didn’t believe it. He may still not believe it. Though I have a mental image of him trying to fit that huge check in the drive-through tube at his local bank.

Evan thanked Paul and he and Zora danced and made out. Evan’s thought bubble said, “Man, if I can’t get any tonight…”

And that was it. Except for a plug from Paul to tune in next week to watch a subtly titled episode, “Joe Millionaire: The Aftermath!”

All the while I can’t figure out what the hell Alex MacLeod was doing the whole time. Did we need a host? Don’t you think that they hired her and then realized that Paul was just a lot better? Why do I have a feeling there’s miles of Alex all over the cutting room floor? Maybe she can go back to Trading Spaces with what’s left of her career.

No, wait, our pal Paige Page already has that job.

ABC re-ran the Michael Jackson interview, and NBC had basically All-Michael all night. All I can say is that if I hear him almost cry one more time, I’m going to go stick my head in the oven.

I’d like to see if anybody can describe Michael in 20 words or less without using the word “freak”. I don’t think it’s possible.

Guh.

Don Baylor is upset that the Cubs gave up on him after two-and-a-half years. 1) That was enough. 2) You were trying to get fired in the end you revisionist history moron.

Sammy called Dusty announce he’ll be on time. He also called him to remind him that he wants someone to follow him with a huge umbrella so he doesn’t get too much sun. Oh, and he’d like someone to drive him to right field in a Bentley each inning. And…oh, Sammy. I kid because I care.

Will the Thrill Clark is coming to camp to work with Hee Seop Choi. His goal is to help Hee Seop adjust to major league pitching and teach him how to play first base with a wad of chaw in his mouth that would choke a small equine.

Jerry Manuel says he really likes the sight of Bartolo Colon in his Sox uniform. He hasn’t seen that much colon in one place since David Wells got food poisoning in the clubhouse. Sox fans…I kid because I don’t care.

Flash Gordon said he loved playing for the Cubs but could understand why they didn’t try and re-sign him this offseason. They wanted pitchers who could…um…lift their arms over their shoulders.

Jamal Crawford is 3-27 shooting in his last three games. That ought to fire up those trade talks, huh?

Luther Head’s groin still hurts, and if it’s the same injury as I had last year, it’s going to hurt for a while. Thankfully, mine’s all better now. Thanks for asking.

Mike Downey on the folly that continues to be John Henry Williams. What do you expect from a kid named after a racehorse?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to tell us that Tiger Woods is a good golfer. Hey, thanks, Jay!

Rap compares Derek Jeter to Mickey Mantle. Not in the superstar way, but in the, ouch my liver hurts, sense.

Any joke would be uncalled for, but did anybody think a player would die from a grueling baseball workout? It’s like being fungoed to death.

The Gerbil with ten questions from the NFL combine.

Did you ever stop to wonder what the combination is? A combine would be the combination of something. Is it a comination workout/square dance? That’d be fun.

Jayson Stark with another ho-hum day for the Yankees. I can’t believe nobody can spell Matt Suhey’s name right, though.

Come on, now. How is Greg Maddux supposed to live on that?

Peter King on the plight of minority coaches in the NFL. No, this one’s actually interesting. Really.

I don’t want to seem crass…but aren’t Nebraska football players already getting paid?

Good stuff here. Gary Van Sickle followed Bill Murray around Pebble Beach.

EW calls the ending of Joe Millionaire a fairy tale. A Grimm’s one, maybe.

The Spice Girls might get back together. Big whup.

The end of the world is near, I fear, my friends.

The world’s greatest newspaper with the incredible story of a guy who dialed a wrong number and got Osama bin Laden!