Hello again, everybody, it’s your old friend Karry Ling here filling in during this long holiday weekend. It doesn’t seem right does it, that they make the old guy work over the holidays?

Typical, I suppose.

But it was fun here the past couple of days. On Wednesday night we had a big Desipio New Year’s Eve party here at the World Headquarters. Andy bought the finest in generic champagnes “Chrystal” instead of Christal, and he gave me six bottles of the stuff. I was out of champagne by 9:30. Oh, well.

Jake brought his wife and baby and I’ll tell you, the jokes about both me and the baby wearing diapers and neither having any teeth never get old. Oh, and by the way Jake, check the inside pocket of your coat. I left you a little present. I’m just glad my stool hardener is working.

Matt was there and he got a little tired of my “Wanna throw another shrimp on the barbie” jokes and gave me an Indian burn that’s still smarting.

Yesterday, everybody was over to watch football and we found out a very important thing. We all hate Michigan and USC, but apparently, we hate Lloyd Carr more than anything. Andy even put the USC fight song on the CD player, but after about four minutes of that he went outside and set the CD on fire.

I’m not sure why anybody thought Michigan could beat USC in the first place. The Big Ten was terrible this year and Michigan lost to Iowa and needed a fluke comeback to beat Minnesota, and remember that September trip to Oregon where they lost 124-3? Michigan wasn’t that good.

I also have a problem with Pete Carroll being the hottest coach in college football. This is a guy who spent three years in New England patenting the “what the hell is going on” look. I think he’s got a bigger payroll at USC.

Andy’s favorite moment of the game was when Todd Harris interviewed former Michigan QB Tom Brady who said, “USC’s got some big guys. Mike Williams looks like he’s 25 years old.” Andy said something about Williams having a little Albert Pujols in him. I know that Jim Edmonds does, too.

The Purdue-Georgia game was a good one. It had it all. Purdue played horribly in the first half, then it was Georgia’s turn in the second half. Three years ago these teams played in the bowl game with the biggest comeback ever. Yesterday the game had the second biggest comeback ever. Georgia coach Mark Richt showed off his Bob Davie clock management skills. Joe Tiller proved that he’ll call the wrong play at the wrong time, every time. But the best part was that with the Rose Bowl start delayed because of the overtime, we weren’t subjected to a commercial break every four plays like we normally would have been. TV is evil, gang. Stick with us.

Must be fun to be Ron Zook, huh? In the span of three days the old Florida coach went back on the job market and then Ron goes out and gets cornholed by Iowa. Not only does he get whacked, but every analyst on every channel (Trev and Mark, Kirk and Lee, Oprah and Gail) point out that Ron got outcoached in every facet by Kirk Ferentz. I had some Ferentz speakers on my Quadraphonic back when I lived in Miami. They were sweet.

Miami and FSU played last night, and nobody cared, did they? Aren’t we just tired of these two?

Tonight’s K-State-Ohio State clash just got more interesting. First, K-State QB Ell Roberson was accused of ringing in the New Year by raping a 22-year old K-State alum in her hotel room. (That’s just sooooo Kobe.) Now he could be in more trouble for breaking curfew than breaking a few Arizona penal statutes. If he doesn’t play, ABC might as well just run an “According to Jim” marathon because an already bad football game will be downright unwatchable.

Speaking of out of control football players, does anybody want to coach at Nebraska? Mr. Personality himself, Kansas City offensive coordinator Al Saunders turned down the job on New Year’s Eve. Saunders is widely respected as a coach and one of his daughters played soccer at Nebraska, but he apparently turned down the job because, and I’m quoting, “Runzas suck.” Not if you put a little ketchup and mustard on them, Al. The Cornholers…er Huskers are now expected to offer the job to Arkansas rube…head coach…Houston Nutt. Houston Nutt? What, Terry Bowden’s not available? What appealed to the Huskers more, his porn name or the fact that he got Arkansas put on probation for setting up no show jobs for his players at a Dallas company?

Yesterday, Scott Skiles made the team run laps because Eddy Curry didn’t have his ankles taped. After that, the team had to sit facing the corner because Jamal Crawford was eating paste. How old are these guys, four?

Did you all notice that Andy finally took the blatant plug for his book off of the front page? It’s about time. But I’ll tell you, I read that book and if it doesn’t win a Pulitzer, they ought to burn that dump down. You can still buy a copy here.

We’ve got five big football games on Saturday and Sunday, and I’m going to break them down for you.

Tennessee Titans at Baltimore Ravens, Saturday, ABC
The Ravens have the NFL defensive player of the year (Ray Lewis) and the offensive player of the year (Jamal Lewis), but they also have Anthony Wright playing quarterback for them. This is like putting Keith Traylor on Seabiscuit. Titans 24, Ravens 10.

Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers, Saturday, ABC
The two most overrated teams in all of football (not what Lloyd Carr’s bunch has been exposed) meet in prime time on Saturday and this game is going to suck. The Panthers offense is painful, and the Cowboys’ is excruciatingly so. The difference? The vaunted Panthers defense isn’t really very good. Dallas’ is. Plus, John Fox has no shot against Bill Parcells. Dallas 5, Carolina 2.

Seattle Seahawks at Green Bay Packers, Sunday, Fox
Green Bay’s supposed to be unbeatable at Lambeau Field and the Seahawks are in need of some serious Levitra on the road. Hillbilly Brett Favre is in mourning about the loss of his father and uncle (they were the same guy) and the Pack is expected to roll over the hapless Seahawks. Besides Green Bay hasn’t lost a home playoff game at Lambeau since…well, since last year. Seattle 31, Green Bay 23.

Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts, Sunday, CBS
Mike Shanahan’s lazy eye rested his veterans in a pasting by the Packers on Sunday. Nothing like bringing some momentum into the playoffs. Jake Plummer is still the Broncos’ QB and I don’t care that three weeks ago they beat Indy in Indy. Colts 64, Bronocos -5.

Sugar Bowl: Oklahoma Sooners v. LSU Tigers, Sunday night, ABC
Will Bob Stoops wear the visor indoors at night? You bet your ass he will. Remember way back (about three weeks) when everybody thought Oklahoma was the best team ever? One loss is bad, but it’s not the end of the world. I like Nick Saban, but if he’s not coming to Chicago to coach the Bears I hope a ceiling tile falls on him and kills him. Oklahoma 42, LSU 17.

Call the bookie, you are “in the know” now.

Finally, I’m going to make a few resolutions (and screw the links, you can go find that stuff yourself.)

– I resolve to fully regain bowel control.
– I resolve to limit myself to writing one fan letter to Tyne Daly per week.
– I resolve to sneak into the WGN TV booth and give Chip Caray an atomic wedgie during a broadcast.
– I resolve to write more columns than I did in 2003. Even if I have to write them all drunk.
– I resolve to buy a season ticket behind the Cubs dugout and remind Dusty when to warm up pitchers…all summer..and fall, long.

Happy New Year, everybody! Until next time, America…