Instead of The Osbournes we got an interesting, but annoying edited (even for MTV) special about urban legends. The most horrifying urban legend they addressed was “Real World: Las Vegas” will never end. True.

Please make it stop. Please. I’m begging you. Literally.

We’re in the homestretch. We can see the finish line from here. But I fear we’ll end up in the infield in a heap like Mary Decker with a bare footed South African skipping down the track as the race never ends for us with this show. Is there anybody likable left?

For a while we liked Irulan and then she went insane. We liked Alton but then he started wandering the “apartment” naked so that the ladies could see he’s a donkey tripod man (copyright Coupling 2001). Frank lost us when he broke up with the Amish girl for no reason. Trishelle’s been a mattress back since day one. Steven…we won’t even go there. There’s always sweet, insane Brynn who has been a non-entity since she threw the fork at Steve. And finally, Arissa, who has a Cal Ripken-esque streak going. Only hers apparently deals with consecutive hands of blackjack lost. And an even longer crying streak. But that’s a tale for another time.

Previously on The Real World: Frank broke up with the Amish girl with the bad teeth, for no apparent reason. Frank made out with Trishelle and likely will be battling the herpes virus for eternity. Steven…hasn’t done anything for months…thankfully. Arissa got mad and cried. Irulan called her boyfriend and he dumped her psycho ass. Alton was just “hanging” around. Brynn is completely MIA. I think we need to take a moment to remember her brief go-go dancing career.

This eppy opens with Irulan telling us, “I’m feelin’ Davin.” Honestly, Irulan keep your medical conditions to yourself. I haven’t felt Davin since I had those bad clams in the Keys.

Apparently, though, Davin is a guy. He’s also one of Alton’s friends. Alton doesn’t have any friends! If he did, we’d have met them by now.

Anyway, since Irulan is still mad at Alton, she’s going to get back at him by sleeping with Davin. For his part, Davin doesn’t seem to mind. Alton’s mad.

So, like the Fonz he asks Davin to step into his office for a chat. Like the Fonz, Alton’s office is a bathroom. However, unlike the Fonz, while Alton is entertaining a guest in the office we can’t see Ralph Malph’s shoes sticking out from under one of the stalls.

Alton asks Davin how he can do that to him. Davin says something like “it’s all good” and they hug.

Two things about this. 1) I feel so white right now. I have no idea what they’re saying. 2) If you walk into a bathroom and two men are hugging, get out. Because that’s what got George Michael into trouble that one time. I’m pretty sure.

We then hear Alton talk about his friend Denise. Where are these friends coming from!?! Did MTV do some sort of casting call for friends outside the casa du skank? Denise is an odd looking Asian girl. We then see Alton trying to stick his tongue through the back of her head. Denise does not seem to mind.

During a break in the tonguelympics, Alton pauses to tell Denise he likes Irulan because she’s so “ethnic.” I have no idea. I’m going to have to hire a gibberish-English translator for these reality shows if they keep hiring morons like this.

Davin and Irulan have retired to the casa du skank for a billiards exhibition. Then, Alton and Denise come in. Irulan very maturely makes gagging motions to the camera.

Denise hops into bed with Alton, and thanks to the miracles of night vision cameras, perfected during the first Gulf War, we can see what’s going on. Denise is lying with her back to Alton and (no! get your mind out of the gutter! you should be ashamed!) she’s giving him the “I want to do it, but…” speech. “I don’t want this to be a one time thing,” she says. “I don’t want this to be because of Irulan.”

Alton makes a mental note to not scream out “Oh Irulan!” during the upcoming sex. He also is trying very hard to remember Denise’s name right now. He then decides he’ll just call her Baby. He then gets some stupid “Dirty Dancing” song stuck in his head.

We don’t get to see if Denise and Alton resolve their problem. But we do see a very irritated and (surprise!) naked Alton come out of his room to yell at Irulan and Davin for being too loud with their pool playing. He yells, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”

Wait, that didn’t happen. I mean he did yell at them, but he didn’t yell that. I have got to stop doing shots of Robitussin before I watch TV.

With some subtle editing, MTV shows us a deserted desert highway and a sign that says “END 161 HWY” and then we see and hear Arissa and Dario on the phone at (everybody together now!) the end of the road in their relationship. Ahh, how subtle.

Arissa: “I need some space.”
Dario: “From what?”
Arissa: “From everything.”

Dario then gets Steven Hawking on the phone to explain to Arissa that it is theoretically impossible to get space from everything. He then asks Arissa for a foot rub.

Arissa is crying again. Call the Ripkens!

For some reason we now have relationship expert Trishelle musing about Alton and Irulan. “I think that Alton hangs out with Denise to make Irulan jealous,” sage Trishelle tells us in a twang that makes her sound oh, so intelligent. “I think he’s just using Denise to occupy his time.” And his Johnson.

Irulan says, “Davin and I are kickin’ it a little.” I have no idea.

Alton says, “Irulan is just doing it to make me angry. You just don’t do that to friends.” Speaking of that, where’s Baby?

Then, as Harry Dunne once said, “Just when I think you couldn’t do anything more dumb. You do something like this and totally redeem yourself!”

That’s Harry on the right…next to Lloyd Christmas

MTV shows us Brynn and Irulan taking a bubble bath together! I knew there was a reason we still watch this crap.

Irulan says, “I think Dario wants a relationship, but I don’t. I have to have this conversation with him, but after that I think it will be weird.” Gee, ya think?

Now we see Denise with her bags packed. She’s apparently transferring to San Diego State. Man, talk about wanting to get away from Alton. Most likely she transferred to San Jose State and told Alton San Diego to get him off her scent.

Alton says to her, “It sucks that you’re leaving. Dude, I need some friends.”

Dude? Is it Denise or Dennis? It is Vegas, after all. (shudder)

Irulan comes over and gives Denise a hug and acts like she’s going to miss her. And you ladies wonder why we don’t trust you…

Alton says, “When I really think about it. I was latching onto somebody outside the house.” Gee, ya think?

When one mysterious friend leaves, another enters. Now it’s time to meet Arissa’s cousin, Taiesha. Arissa says this of her cuz, “Taiesha keeps it real for me. She is the homey. She keeps it ruh-eel.”

Somewhere, Longfellow weeps with envy.

Taiesha sums up the situation (to Arissa) this way, “Arissa is not Dario’s woman. Dario is not Arissa’s man.” Does that mean she’s actually referring to Arissa in the fourth person? I’m so confused.

Now it’s time for Drunk Steven to make a guest appearance! He slurs something to Arissa about positive auras attracting other positive auras. This comes just hours after he told Arissa she should hook up with a six foot white guy in the casa du skank to make herself feel better. Arissa can’t decide whether to cry or lose another blackjack hand.

Irulan says, “Davin and I are not on the same page. I’m uncomfortable around him. Maybe Davin is the transitional man.” Gee, ya think?

But this is a nice exchange.

Alton: “I want to love Irulan, and Irulan wants to be loved.”

Irulan: “Alton is always so full of it.”

Next week Trishelle has an innocent looking doughboy for a boyfriend! He’s going to be so sore in the morning. He has no idea…

——

I have no idea what the odds are that Illinois, Notre Dame and the Bulls would all win games on the same night, especially given that the Irish and Bulls were playing on the road and the Illini were playing the only team that’s beaten them in Bill Self’s nearly three years in Champaign. But it was a good night.

Illinois did things to Michigan State last night that are illegal in most states. Whew! 70-40 and it wasn’t even that close. How many times could the ESPN announcers have said, “When was the last time a Tom Izzo coached team was down ____ points?” And there was Tom, the little dictator stomping up and down the sidelines screaming.

What can you yell during a 35-9 run? “It’s true, I poof up my hair to hide my bald spot!”
“I’ve seen Steve Mariucci naked! And liked it!”
“Who the hell is Roger Powell?”

For about six minutes Roger Powell was unbefreakin’lievable. His second alley oop slam was awesome. Just a notch below the one Luther Head had in the North Carolina game. Roger rebounded, hustled, played good defense, showed actual post moves and it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Despite the fact that on DirecTV channel 780 the Irish were in an actual good game against West Virgina, I could not take my eyes off the dismantling in Champaign. It was the feel good game of the year, no doubt.

In West Ginny, the Irish were blowing another double digit second half lead and the barefooted hillbillies in the stands were gettin’ fired up. Chris Thomas was firing up bricks from 30 feet, the refs were chipping in with bad fouls and there was our buddy, Mike Brey, looking calm and collected on the sidelines.

The Mountaineers have a guy named Johannes Herber on their team. Get this, he pronounces his name “hair bear”. In my nightmares I’ll hear Jay Randolph saying, “Chris Thomas will go the line after being mauled by hair bear.” (double shudder)

The Irish survived, thanks to Danny Miller doing something good (he wriggled between three defenders for the game winning bucket) and something bad (he bricked the front end of a one and one at the end of the game) and both the Irish and Illini are sitting a half game out of first place and looking every bit like the teams that will emerge in their leagues.

This is just typical for me. For the first time in my life both teams are good enough to make a legit final four run. Those jackasses at the selection committee are going to put them in the same regional aren’t they? Blecch.

And the Bulls went into Cleveland and smacked the Cavs around. Any team that can deal with the deluge that comes with battling studs like…uh…um…Chris Mihm and Carlos Boozer?…is a good team. Regardless, I look at Tyson Chandler and I see a guy who’s starting to “get it.” He’s 20 years old? Yikes. I’m going to go out and print me up some “Elton Who?” t-shirts.

Bill Self told Dee Brown that it was time to pick it up. Let’s just say that Dee picked it up.

The Irish failed to repeat history. That was good.

Rosey looks at the pot shots flying in the AL Central.

Rick Morrissey says that Sammy deserves some credit for showing up.

Corey Patterson needs a hug. Oddibe McDowell? That’s not fair.

Lenny Harris already the spring’s MVP.

Groucho with (gasp!) Eddie Jones trade rumors.

Phil Rogers has to get over this Thome thing. Let it go, Phil.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rave about Dee.

Rap says it’s interesting that Sammy is in camp, but Kevin Brown isn’t.

Roman Modrowski says it’s time to launch Jamal Crawford.

The Wizard of Roz damns Sammy with feint praise.

How do we know Jose Canseco didn’t really send Ozzie tot he pokey?

This just in: Mike Tyson is even weirder than ususal. Oh, and he’s fighting on Saturday night after all. It seems like a good idea to have a still-healing tatoo on your face before a heavyweight fight, huh?

It’s the best day of the year for your mailbox!

Rick Reilly “talks” to Annika Sorenstam.

Tom Verducci wonders if the Braves are wasting John Smoltz in the bullpen. Sure, why have a guy help you win 55 or 60 games when he could help you win 15?

EW on last night’s Real World.

Wow we’re just one of 40 million American TV watching morons. At least we’re not alone.

Survivor’s Daniel is wearing a t-shirt that says, “I went on the highest rated reality TV show in history and all I got was this stupid t-shirt…and malaria.”

The world’s greatest newspaper says a guy in Germany will give a woman $250,000 if she can screw him to death. Heck, if he’d double it, I’d give it a shot.