Every time I see that shot of Mike Sherman, you know the one I’m talking about, the one where he’s standing on the sidelines in that cheesy green Packers pullover, looking over his glasses at what may be the Packers offensive play sheet, or could be a laminated Damon’s Grill menu–I think of something Bill Simmons once wrote of Mike. It was basically, “When you see Mike Sherman, doesn’t he look like the real coach said, ‘Hey, I gotta take a whiz, run the team until I get back.'”
Yesterday, the real coach picked a hell of a time to take a trip to the crapper.
And we Bears fans couldn’t be happier.
There are few hard and fast rules in NFL football.
– Don’t look at the stupid two-point conversion chart until the fourth quarter (somebody needs to print this rule up for Ty Willingham)
– Always call a time out before any big field goal attempt by your opponent (even though it gives them plenty of time to go through their kick routine)
– If a field goal will put your team ahead by more than one score–kick it!
– If the other team can’t stop your running game, keep running.
The Packers violated rules two, three and four yesterday, and in fact, tried to violate rule two twice in a row. Even Dave Wannstedt knows that you can’t call consecutive time outs without a play being run, but there were the Packers, completely distracted on the final play of their season, trying, in futility to call a time out when they had just called one. Hee hee.
But this game turned on a possession near the end of the first half. With just over two minutes to go, the Packers had first and goal on the Eagles four yard line. Three plays later they had the ball on the one yard line. Look, if you’re playing Madden 2004 you go for it. But if you’re in the second round of the playoffs, in Philadelphia, against an offensively challenged Eagles’ team, you suck it up, kick the field goal and go up by more than a TD.
To cut Sherman a little slack, the play they called would have worked had Ahman Green not tripped over his own blocker. But at that moment, I was very happy, because any score there would have really screwed the Eagles.
The most colossal blunder wasn’t made by Sherman, but rather by overrated Packers d-coordinator Ed Donatell (or Ed Donatello as Bill Maas likes to call him) who on fourth and 26 set up a defense that allowed the Eagles’ slot receiver (in this case the always annoying Freddy Mitchell) to run unmolested down the middle of the field and catch a first down pass. Fourth and 26! I can’t wait to mutter that under my breath all summer to Packers fans.
The thing I’ll always remember about that play was the spot that the Eagles got from the refs. Mitchell landed just over Fox’s handy red fourth down line, and it was pretty clear that unless the line was way off that he had the first down, easily. Only the refs spotted the ball about three yards farther down field. Who knew?
But really, the most spine-tingling moment was when Brett Far-vuh-ruh dropped back and hurled the football down the field in overtime. You just knew good things were going to happen. There was Brett, Destiny’s Quarterback, with his guardian angel – his father Irv – guiding the oblong pelota down the field. Packers fans rose to their feet, spilled Huber all over their pants and knocked the triangular cheese wedges off their heads as they knew Far-vuh-ruh was going to lead them to the NFC Championship game.
Hey fate! Screw off! Instead the pass was a horrible, ill advised lollipop caught with much ease by Eagles’ safety Brian Dawkins who returned it into field goal range and the Packers were losers.
Phew.
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That Indianapolis-Kansas City game was so defenseless that I honestly thought Greg Blache was calling the defenses for both teams. All that was missing was for Bryan Robinson to suit up for the Chiefs and get two late hit penalties and then RW McQuarters could have fallen down on a simple out route allowing another Colts TD.
Sixty minutes of football and no punts. Just like in the Arena league!
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Look, Mike Martz has been chastised enough for the sissy way he called the plays in Saturday’s double-OT loss to the Panthers. Well, you know what? He deserves it. If Mark Bulger is so bad that you can’t trust him to throw the ball into the end zone at any time in the game, play the other guy. You know the two-time MVP with the bad Don Johnson beard and the wife who looks like a cross between Annie Lennox and David Bowie? Unless he’s so bad now that you can’t use him, and if that’s the case, then just give the ball to your other MVP, Marshall Faulk.
As I added in the comments to Friday’s article, the reason I picked the Rams so confidently was because I was deathly afraid that a Packers win over Philly on Sunday would mean a Packers Super Bowl appearance, and we can’t let that happen. No sir.
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On Saturday, Nick Saban called a press conference to announce he’s not going to leave LSU. What, you have a press conference to announce you’re not going to do something? What’s next, Shawn Kemp calls one to announce he won’t be wearing a condom? Toni Kukoc calls one to announce he won’t be taking a shower today?
What’s really scary is that the Bears are actually more screwed that their second choice, new Falcons coach Jim Mora, Jr, isn’t available than they are that Saban said no. Where do they turn now? Apparently Cal coach Jeff Tedford turned them down.
Jeff Tedford? What, Cam Cameron’s not available?
Who’s left? The Bears are going to talk to Lovie Smith again. I would imagine Lovie just wants to get away from Mike Martz. They are going to interview Russ Grimm. I’m going to advise them to not hire Russ for only one reason–the sheer number of inane Mariotti “Grimm’s fairytale” columns we’ll be subjected to will be intolerable.
Then there’s Mike Heimerdinger. Uh…sure? The guys on the Score are all fired up about Heimerdinger because he’s an offensive coordinator and his boss, Titans coach and dobro enthusiast Jeff Fisher
says he’s “ready.” But what if Fisher’s tired of working with (or saying the laborious name) Heimerdinger? What if he just wants him out? Hmm?
As for the in house candidates, I would love to see the fan reaction if the Bears hired Greg Blache to coach the team. Can you imagine? There’d be a riot. They’d burn Halas Hall down. He’s have a shorter tenure as Bears’ coach than George O’Leary had at Notre Dame.
Basically, nobody knows who the next coach will be because the Bears don’t have a clue.
But really, what’s new about that?
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The Anaheim Angels came out of nowhere and signed Vladimir Guerrero this weekend. Which leaves only two big free agents out there. Unless of course you count Roger Clemens and his enormous ass.
It’s just so typically Cub that the two guys left who can really help a team are at spots they could use. Pudge Rodriguez and Greg Maddux would certainly fill out the 25 roster nicely, wouldn’t they? Sure they would.
I’m not going to get all Mike Murphy and rail that the Cubs need to spend more money and how ridiculous this all is. But they do, and it is.
However, in Maddux’s case, the reason they should sign him is because they’ve got lots of money and so he’s no risk to them.
But Greg’s 38 now, and he’s a five inning pitcher. His ERA went up almost a full run last year. I’m not saying he’s not still better than most pitchers, or that any team who signs him will be unhappy. But I am saying he’s not the same guy he was ten, or five, or even three years ago.
And if the best scenario for signing him is so he can be a coach to guys like Kerry Wood, Mark Prior and Carlos Zambrano, there’s merit to it, but the Cubs already have two pitching coaches.
In fact, I wonder if the only reason the Cubs are negotiating with Greg is because they don’t him going to St. Louis? I have a hunch that if they know the final bidding is between them and the Orioles or the Giants that they’ll run up the white flag. But if it’s St. Louis? I’ll bet they trot out the dusty, Tribune checkbook.
Lost in all of the Maddux talk is confirmation that the Cubs and Kerry Wood have finally started serious negotiations on a long term contract. At this point, it’s much more likely that the Cubs will announce a Kerry Wood re-singing at the Cubs convention, than a Maddux signing.
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David Huh with the story that Jeff Tedford said no to the Bears.
Oh, wait, the Cubs just found another big basket of cash!
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that we were all pulling for Brett Far-vuh-ruh. What? Wow, what a dumbass. The only tears I cried were tears of joy when the Hillbilly and his gang of dimwits staggered off the field.
The Hillbilly threw this one away. If you noticed it was the same kind of “aww, what the hell” pass he threw to Jerry Azumah in the game in Lambeau. Did Brett have a wager on this game perhaps? Somebody call Pete Rose!
The Wizard of Roz says the Maddux negotiations are “secret.” Shhhhhhhhhhh.
Peter Gammons says the best teams in baseball right now are the Cubs, Phillies, Yankees and Red Sox.
Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.
The Mets are trying to reunite the old Braves’ pitching staff and see if they can finish fifth with them.
Kenny Rogers is back in Arlington and he’s bringing Jeff Nelson and his law team with him!
With Guerrero in California, the Orioles might sign Pudge after all.
It was pretty clear the biggest motivator for the Suns’ trade of Steph and Penny was to clear money for a Kobe run. For the second time in his career, Kobe might have to go through Charlotte to end up where he wants to be. That is, if his parole officer will let him move to Arizona.
What terror color are you?
A Florida man has been arrested for having an affair with his neighbor’s…dog. Yikes. I had no idea Jim Edmonds had a place in West Palm?
The world’s greatest newspaper says that aliens are only here because they love our doughnuts. Just like Jay Mariotti.
I’d like to announce that I’m staying at my current position because I love my players and the area and being in front of these great fans every week, and we will only continue to build on our 6-6 record to go on to great things. Wait, where am I again?
I think even the guardian angels were afraid to go to Philadelphia.
To borrow a Seinfeld quote: "That’s a shame".
Yeah, I’m an idiot. Why would anyone want to give up the chance to move from a job in California where I’m earning a million dollars a year churning out pro QB’s to move to frigid Chicago so that I can coach a terrible team led by Kordell Stewart.
ESPN.com is reporting that Roger Clemens has signed a one-year deal with the Asstros for $5 million. Somewhere, Jim Hendry just dialed Scott Boras.
Hey Jerry, I’ll take the job!
this just in: the colts have scored two more touchdowns. kc can’t stop indy from scoring, even on monday morning after the game is over!
Kudos on the X-tina shot.
There’s not enough hand lotion in the world.
Wait a minute! There’s no rape shield in Florida law that prevents them from showing my picure? How humiliating.
It’s not illegal to have sex with animals in Florida?
I just added the Marlins and Devil Rays to the list of teams I’ll approve a trade to. Woof!
Jeff, I don’t know if you were too busy planning Cal’s bowl trip to watch our last three games, but Kordell Stewart doesn’t lead the Bears anymore. We are QB’ed by Rex Grossman these days.
I didn’t want to hire you anyway. Enjoy playing hackeysack with all the dirty hippies.
Oh, crap!
The cast for the All Star Survivor has been officially announced. A few hotties from the past return.
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor8/index.shtml
Hey guys, I know how to "teach" the Rocket a lesson. Welcome to the NL fat ass (even if I threw three feet behind it).
You know the only reason that Shii Ann is on is because she’s an oriental! If she were dying of thirst in the desert, I’d give her Ramen noodles and watch her choke on them!
Don’t worry Cubs fans, even with Roger Clemens on the staff, I’m still around. We won’t win squat.
While I must say I enjoyed watching the Packers choke it in yesterday, I am still a bit befuddled about what to think about the NFL playoffs. I mean, Peyton Manning is one game away from the Super Bowl. This is against all the moral foundations I have based my life around. If this happens, my penchant for life will go ever closer to zero.
All right, I’m just talking crazily now. Ignore me…
So the Bears are down to Russ Grimm and Lovie Smith? I thought why not just bring Jauron back and fire Shoop?
Hey Dolan, it was ME who caught that floater against the Hillbilly. You should stop with the Cuervo in your Sunday Ceerios.
What about Romeo Crenel? At least hire a defensive coordinator whose defense can stop somebody. Russ Grimm gets and interview? Why not just give the job to Greg Olsen? He already knows most of the players names.
Sorry Lance,
But nothing kicks off a Monday like a little coffee in your Bailey’s.
What about me? I’m sitting around here, kind of bored on a Monday morning now that the season’s over, and I’m wondering why I can’t be warranted a phone call.
Don’t think I love it here in TN–that Hillbilly Bud Adams has twice–TWICE–dangled my job in front of me. The first time, it was after holding the team together after three 8-8 seasons in 3 different cities, and then I went out and took our team to the Super Bowl. And then he went and jerked me around again last year, and my team went to the AFC Title game. F#$@ck him, just because I played nice about it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten it.
I want to check out that new stadium in Chicago, and the kick-ass practice facility in Lake Forest and, since I didn’t see any McCaskey’s at Jauron’s firing, I believe the creepy byzantine curtain has been pulled. Finally, if Buffalo actually hires Jauron as Head Coach (guffaw), then the Bears don’t have his 2.5 mil on the books. They can put it toward my deal.
Angelo–give me a call. It’s time to pay up.
The hell with Fisher! I’m available! I’ll put fannies in the seats! I’ll set David Terrell straight! I’ll make McCaskey afraid of me again!
Oh no…Here we go again….
We can’t believe you spend column talking about the Americano futbal when a college and professional basketball star like Yinka Dare pass away to better place. We place curse on the wretched site.
Isn’t Yinka the answer to the trivia question: what NBA player played in the most games before recording his first career assist?
Yeah okay "Coach". Whatever. Maybe Joe Gibbs’ return would make you nostalgic and we could re-enact that hilarious mid-80’s , "Let’s all get outcoached at home in the playoffs to the Redskins two years ina row" bit.
You’re a joke, Ditka. You were the right man for the ’85 team, which was oozing talent and needed somebody to basically yell at them and act crazy, which is, in a nutshhell, your only discernible strength as a coach, but after ’85, you proved to be in over your head in big games. You knew it, too, which is why you spent your free time whoring yourself to anybody with a checking account. Nobody’s ever ridden so much talent for so few results since Nicole Kidman’s last marriage.
Dumbass. Why dontcha smoke another cigar and do what you do best–GET RICH.
If this is anything like the goat curse were going to have to drag a Dare decendant through the Desipio HQ.
Hey Chicago, I can put asses in the seats! That’s what seats are for…asses!
My favorite part of the Pete Rose-Charles Gibson interview (other than the nice shot of Pete sitting in that chair like he thought he was Johnny Bench flashing the signs to Don Gullett, was when Pete said he wanted the Reds to be like the Cubs, Yankees and Red Sox.
This is the same Pete who used to mock the Cubs by saying, "You know what Jesus told the Cubs? Don’t do anything until I come back."
Slide head first into that, dumbass.
We’d like to be the first to welcome Roger Clemens to the National League Central, where he will be expected to bat for himself. Here’s a little advice, fat man, don’t ever try and bunt against us.
I can’t wait to hit him in the fat ass!
Oh, wait, I already missed that thing once. Oops.
Me & Roger will be a fabulous battery at this year’s all-star game…
Ah, Wanny and I are going to make a great team. Don’t worry Dave, I’m not at all bitter that your pal Jimmy tried his best to run me out of the NFL…
Does this mean we all get Isotoners for Christmas?
Nope. You get Ace Ventura on VHS.
Chaunaka, Jay, we celebrate Chaunaka.
Shhhhh! Sandy, are you trying to get me cut?
Did you see what happened to Kerry Wood?
Nice head tube.
Pic is actually of some poor bastard who went on a test drive of an SRT. The sales rep took the wheel on the way home and lost control of the car. This is what happened to the passenger. Sales guy was fine.
Hey Bears Fan, by my count, you’re leading the "one-liner of the year" contest.
Great stuff.
Homosexuality is not ‘normal.’ On the contrary, it is a challenge to the norm; therein rests its eternally revolutionary character. Note I do not call it a challenge to the idea of the norm. Queer theorists – that wizened crew of flimflamming free-loaders – have tried to take the poststructuralist tack of claiming that there is no norm, since everything is relative and contingent. This is the kind of silly bind that word-obsessed people get into when they are deaf, dumb, and blind to the outside world. Nature exists, whether academics like it or not. And in nature, procreation is the single, relentless rule. That is the norm. Our sexual bodies were designed for reproduction. Penis fits vagina: no fancy linguistic game – playing can change that basic fact. However, my libertarian view, here as in regard to abortion, is that we have not only the right, but the obligation to defy nature’s tyranny. The highest human identity consists precisely in such assertions of freedom against material limitation. by online poker