Before I go on what could be a very long rant against Roger Clemens and the Houston Astros and media morans like Phil Rogers, I want to start by saying a few things about our longtime pal Kelly Dwyer.

Yeah, Kelly, this means you.

Back in the day, I used to let Kelly hold my jock. He hardly ever complained that I was wearing it at the time. I’ve always enjoyed his work because it’s funny (even if I only catch about 70 percent of what the hell he’s talking about) and never boring. Anyway, like Jake and Matt and Karry, he now has a key to the place. So let’s hope he uses it often.

OK, where was I? Oh, yeah…

Look, I know that Roger Clemens is a great pitcher. He’s won 310 games and struck out 4,099 guys or something. But here’s the thing. Roger’s really old. Roger’s fat. And Roger’s so pumped full of ‘roids that he had to have a hem put in his sac. The Astros cut him a deal that allows him to start most of his games at home (in that horrendous band box that is Diet Rite Stadium…or whatever).

This is a huge move for the Astros. A daring, smart move. It means they’ll now finish ten games behind the Cubs instead of 15.

So far this offseason they’ve added former Yankees pitchers Andy Pettitte and Fat Roger. Who’s next? Ed Whitson? Andy Hawkins? I’ll bet there’s a Cuban floating between Havana and Miami on the SS Pujols right now who wants to sign with the Yankees…maybe the ‘Stros can just pick him up?

The thing we need to look into is that the Craig Biggio-Chip Caray thing might not be the weirdest homo-erotic relationship going in Houston this summer. What is the deal with Pettitte and Clemens? I’ve seen less hand holding and hugging at a Tatu concert than we saw in that press conference yesterday. That thing was so gay I thought Joel Schumacher directed it.

On ESPN last night Roger said that when he thought that Andy was going to stay in New York, he had mapped out a plan to fly to New York for a bunch of Andy’s starts so that “I could help him out and we could play some golf and maybe share a grope in the sauna.” OK, I’m not so sure about that last part, you know what hell sun spots can play with satellitte reception.

Reports said that the Pettittes and the Clemenses went to Hawai’i together for Christmas.

We even have a photo of Andy and Roger while on vacation.

Here’s one of the cruise Andy and Roger went on a couple weeks ago when Roger said they “hammered” out the contract details.

Here, Astros manager Jimy Williams (lower right) poses with his new starting pitching staff. From left (Clemens, Pettitte, Roy Oswalt, Wade Miller and Tim Redding.)

The most interesting thing is that the Cubs gay fan base (the ones who literally surround the park) are going to have a hard time figuring out who to pull on…I mean pull for…this season when the Astrokes come to town. Astros I mean. Sorry.

The Sabergeeks are aflutter with the prospects of Clemens pitching with a better defense behind him than Derek Jeter, Alfonso Soriano and Bernie Williams. Yeah, because Jeff Kent and Craig Biggio are such defensive stalwarts.

For years, Roger Clemens has been a complete ass. He just jumps from team to team, paycheck to paycheck. There’s nothing wrong with that, except that he always tries to claim he’s not doing it for the money.

On leaving Boston for Toronto: “I’ve always loved it here in Toronto, it’s like a whole different country, except with fewer Mexicans!”
On leaving Toronto for the Yankees: “I’ve always been a huge Yankees fan. Even when I was a Red Sock, I always wanted the Yankees to win.”
On leaving the Yankees for Houston: “I love the history of the Astros with guys like Nolan Ryan and uh the big, fat, black guy with the stroke…”

Then today we had the reaction of media nitwits like Phil Rogers and the always rational (snicker, snicker) Mike Murphy railing on and on that now the Cubs have to sign Greg Maddux!

Take a deep breath. Sure, if the Cubs can get Maddux they should because he’s good and it’s nice to have as many good players as you can get. But if the Cubs don’t make a move between now and opening day they’re still the best team in the National League.

It’s nonsensical to think that if Roger Clemens won 17 games last year for the Yankees that the Astros will win 17 more in 2004 than they won in 2003. Will he make the Astros a little better? Of course he will.

Guys like Rogers and Murphy see that the Cubs only won the Central by one game and panic. Relax. The Cubs team in August and September was the best in the division by a fair piece. But they had to overcome the hole the team had dug in June and July. Given the additions of Derrek Lee, LaTroy Hawkins, Todd Walker and full seasons from E-Ramis Ramirez and Corey Patterson, minus the win sucking void that Shawn Estes and El Pulpo created and it’s going to take a lot to catch the Cubs.

Will the Cubs sign Maddux? Given that I thought the Bears would really hire Nick Saban, I’m keeping my trap shut on this one.

Speaking of the Bears, yesterday they trotted former Redskins’ Hog Russ Grimm and showed him to the media. He looks like a fatter version of Matt Millen, though there’s no way he’s as dumb as Matt is. Grimm said all the right things. He said he wants a tough football team, he wants an offense that can pass AND run, he wants to start beating the Packers again.

He seems like a great guy. Can he coach? Who knows?

Today they’ll do the same with Lovie Smith, and Lovie will charm the media, too.

Here’s my one big fear with Grimm. I can see the Bears bullying him into keeping Greg Blache around as defensive coordinator. There are few certainties in life, but one of them is that Greg Blache needs to go away. His defenses never set the world on fire, and Blache had a troubling and tiring propensity for pissing and moaning about everything. Everything was the media’s fault, or the fans were too dumb to really know what was going on, or the players weren’t smart enough.

If Lovie gets the job, Greg hits the bricks. But if Russ gets it, we might just have to (pun alert) Grimm and Bear it.

Oh, that was so bad, I’ll bet Mariotti steals it.


Russ Grimm would certainly make the Bears tough again. More than tough, we just want them to be good.

It must be so nice to live in Phil Rogers’ world where everything is so simple. Then again, what do you expect from somebody as simple as Phil?

Notre Dame lets a big one get away at Pitt.

Everything can change in a blink of an eye, like Scottie Pippen’s injury status.

If you want to play baseball and your mom has big hands, you’ll get a contract from the Yankees now.

Michael Thompson is sick of Coach K and now he’s off to play for the dynamic Bill Carmody. Huh?

There it is! Mariotti puts down the doughnut and cracks out the Grimm and Bear it.

Mo Clarett might go back to OSU. I’ve got shotgun!

Where is the lovely Mrs. Howie Dean?

An Irish funeral was cancelled when the corpse grew a mustache. Desipio has learned she actually looked better with it.

A 79 year old Canadian man found an interesting way to use icicles as sex toys. Eww.

An old man threw a kid’s dog off the roof and killed it. My favorite part is that The Sun used a photo of a dog “similar” to the one killed. Nice investigative work.

America’s finest news source with a column from a guy who makes $11,000 a year. It doesn’t go as far as you might think.