Because I’m a rational, calm, thoughtful human I was going to hold my judgement on new Bears’ head coach Lovie Smith until he’d actually conducted a practice, or maybe even (gasp!) coached a game. But something changed my mind this morning.

Doughnut Boy Mariotti changed my mind. By panning the Bears move as uninspired and predictable and settling for second best…again…Fat Jay helped me make my decision.

If Mariotti doesn’t like the move, and he says (now, at least) that he doesn’t, then I LOVE IT!

Lovie Smith is the perfect guy, and I think, already, he’s the best coach in football.

What Mariotti convieniently forgets is that when the Bears hired Dave Wannstedt he was the top candidate on the market. The Bears had done the unthinkable, they’d beaten every other team with a coaching vacancy for the “hot guy”. Wanny turned down the Giants to come to Chicago.

We all know how that turned out. It’s a decade later and we’re still trying to wash the toxic waste of Wanny off the franchise.

So basically, we have no idea if Lovie can coach or not. But how about we let him do it for a while before we decry his hiring?

If I’m Lovie Smith (and thankfully for both of us, I’m not) the first thing I would have asked Jerry Angelo is, “You’re not going to sign Jason Sehorn are you?”

Take a look up and down the Rams’ roster and then up and down the Bears’ and the Bears have better defensive talent. The Rams’ big advantage is that their defensive ends actually sack people, and we’ll hope that was a result of Lovie’s scheme. Considering that they were led by undersized Leonard Little, I have a feeling Alex Brown and Michael Haynes will love Lovie.

David Huh is reporting that the Bears want Lovie to keep Greg Blache on as defensive coordinator. I don’t have to tell you that when I heard that this morning milk came out of my nose. The most troubling thing was that I wasn’t drinking milk at the time.

No.

No.

A million times, no.

Make Greg Blache go away. He’s an evil man and we want him to go to Pittsburgh and completely run their defense into the ground. This is a guy who couldn’t figure out to play Peanut Tillman until week five. This is a guy who set up his defense so that the best player on the field (on either side of the ball) has to shed three blocks to make a tackle. This is a guy who says sacks are “overrated.”

If Lovie knows as much about defense as he claims to, Blache will be handed a bus pass today.

I’ll put this whole Bears coaching search into perspective. Last night, I was more concerned with Corbin Bernsen being eliminated from Celebrity Mole: Yucatan than I was about who the Bears hired. That’s what 16 days of non-stop coaching search talk will do to a guy. I was pulling harder for Arnie Becker and Roger Dorn than I was for Lovie Smith or the great Mike Heimerdinger.

If you watched Bravo’s Celebrity Poker Challenge on Tuesday (I TiVo’d it and just watched it last night) you saw a few things:
1) Pretty bad poker.
2) Actual funny people around at the end. The final three of Nicole Sullivan, David Cross and Paul Rudd were hysterical.
3) First hand evidence of Ben Affleck’s gambling addiction.
4) West Wing’s Richard Schiff realizing he’s the biggest dork in the room and Willie Garson is also in the room. That had to be life altering.
5) Nicole Sullivan winning, mainly because Paul Rudd choked on a chance to eliminate her, and David Cross got really unlucky at the end.

By the way, even though she’s kind of funny looking, Nicole’s not bad.

I’m now two episodes behind in my Real World: San Diego viewing, and I may have to just turn it over to Jake, because I could give a rat’s ass about these people. TiVo recorded two shows (both of which TiVo says are new) on Tuesday night, and I’ll get around to watching them, but really I just want to get in my time machine, go back to the day they started taping this version and beat all of the contestants to death with a big stick of “Shut the F@#$ up!”

Since we can’t go 20 hours around here without talking about the Cubs, I’ll save my Bruce Weber rant for a few paragraphs, while we put the Desipio lie detector on some quotes from Greg Maddux’s agent, Scott Boras, in the Tribune today.

“I don’t want to mislead Chicago Cubs fans into thinking Greg Maddux is coming to Chicago,” Boras said Wednesday. “There are a number of teams still involved.”

What Boras meant was, “I want Greg to go to a team who will pay him more so I can get a bigger commission. Unfortunately, nobody else will pay up.”

Boras declined to discuss particulars of the Cubs’ offer, but he implied it was significantly higher than the $15 million estimate reported Tuesday.

He’s lying! If the Cubs offer Maddux a penny more than $15 million they’re just throwing money out the door. Don’t pay a 38 year old with a funny scar on his chin that much to do anything. If you’ve got that much money lying around send it to Pudge Rodriguez instead.

“Greg Maddux is not looking for the last dollar,” Boras said. “He already has been offered the full dollar. Look at what Tom Glavine did last year [in signing with the New York Mets], going from $13 [million] to $11 [million]. He took a bit of a haircut, and Greg is willing to do that too … with the right team.”

If Maddux isn’t looking for money he’ll sign with the Cubs. Actually, he’d have worked out a deal with Atlanta before the arbitration deadline. As for Glavine, he got a $2 million haircut? Then why does his hair still look like crap? Besides, Boras should know that the reason Greggy can’t get big money is because the league looked at what a complete waste of cash Glavine was and they actually learned from it.

“Maddux raised [John] Smoltz,” Boras said. “He raised Kevin Millwood and Steve Avery, and [John] Burkett had his best season when he was with Greg.”

Look, if Maddux was automatically such a sage with young pitchers then why did guys like Odalis Perez and Jason Marquis flop so disastrously with the Braves. It’s just so typically Boras to try and pawn the credit for Smoltz off on Maddux. Smoltz was already a better big game pitcher than Maddux two years before Greg showed up in Atlanta. Millwood was nothing if inconsistent and Avery’s one of the biggest flame outs in history. As for Burkett, I think his two year deal with the Devil had more to do with his fluke success than Greg Maddux did.

Boras said Maddux’s decision won’t be about money, but rather will revolve around his family and the team’s capability of winning a world championship.

Well, if you want to stay in the National League and you want to win a World Series, there’s only one place where you can do that in 2004. And they’ve got a baby bear for a mascot.

Pucker up Scotty.

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For the Rockford area Desipio readers, how’d you like this quote from the guy who half-assedly organizes the Cubs Caravan trip to Rockford, Jim Bryden?

Event coordinator Jim Bryden, 69, said tickets sold out in four days. “And it wasn’t even advertised,” Bryden said. “It was breathtaking.”

Thanks for not advertising it, that way nobody but your cronies would know it was happening. If you’ve ever been to a Cubs Caravan, they’re actually pretty fun. They drag out a couple of rookies and a coach and Chip Caray and you eat the worst meal of your life and get autographs. I’ve been to quite a few of them and for every Kerry Wood autograph you get you get (literally) two Mickey Morandinis. I have Brooks Kieschnick and Scott Sanders and Tyler Houston and Terry Adams…the list is long and undistrinquished. They are also filled with every 80 year old Cubs fan in the world. Some old coot will get up and ask a 14 minute question that includes the words “before I die”, “cheap assed owners”, “colostomy”, “Don Kessinger” and “sign Pudge Rodriguez!”

But the last two years they haven’t seen fit to tell the public when the event is going to be. I consider myself to be a pretty big Cubs fan. I know my dad is. My friend Charlie is. None of us caught a whiff of when this thing was going to be. How is that possible?

So, if you see Jim Bryden today, give him a nice, big, kick in the ass from me.

—

Illinois lost to Northwestern last night and I’m thinking it’s time for Bruce Weber to throw another funeral, this time he can hold one for his coaching career.

All Weber has done so far is show us that Bill Self was an even better coach than we already thought he was, and most of us, thought he was one of the very best in the business. There’s too much talent on this roster to lose to Northwestern…ever. In the span of one week the Illini have eliminated themselves from any chance to win the Big Ten.

No, it’s true. You can’t lose to Purdue at home and then lose to Northwestern on the road. Those were two games that you had to be able to put in the bank. You’re Illinois, which means you lose at Wisconsin and Iowa every year, even when you’re better. You always lose at Purdue. You don’t have to play at Michigan State this year or that’d be another loss. So basically, even if you don’t stumble again in a game you’re “supposed” to win, the best you can do is 11-5, and that’s not good enough most years. You’d better start praying that Indiana and MSU stay in the suckhole or a .500 conference season will slip away, and a trip to the NCAAs, and Steve Lavin’s going to sitting on the bench next year.

The players haven’t responded to Sandwich Maker Bruce Weber at all. Dee Brown could hardly play worse than he has this year. Roger Powell just looks confused. James Augustine even grew hair. Luther Head finally got his groin fixed and now he can’t remember he’s not supposed to drive a car. It’s a mess.

There are only two college basketball teams that I actually care about. Illinois and Notre Dame. Last year I had it pretty good because I thought Mike Brey and Bill Self were two of the best coaches in America.

This year Brey must be feeling a little lonely.

How’d you like to be Ron Guenther right now? The Illinois AD was lauded from South Beloit to Cairo as a genius two years ago. He had Ron Turner and his BCS bound Big Ten Champs and Bill Self and his Big Ten Champs. Now he’s got a 1-11 football team and a basketball team that’s circling the drain.

Plus, Guenther looks at Georgia, where Dennis Felton is doing a nice job with a team that the Jim Harricks tried to implode, and Guenther knows that had Self bolted for Kansas a month earlier than he did, that the Illini would have a good coach.

Oops.

—

David Huh writes about Lovie Smith’s mom. This is why I hate David Huh.

I’m telling you, the only reason the Bears trotted mumbling Russ Grimm out in front of the media on Monday was so Lovie would be the clear choice.

Rex Grossman wants to run the Rams’ offense. Great, get him Torry Holt, too.

Greg Blache? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Seabiscuit’s jockey on the Scott Boars-Greg Maddux-Cubs thing.

The Bulls are already thinking about next summer. Sigh.

Who the hell is Chris Malcom and why is he on my computer?

Greg Couch preaches patience in Bruce Weber. Sure. Whatever.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut for this? I could have eaten a box of Alpha Bits and crapped out a better column than this.

Sammy’s ready to go! He’s so excited he wishes spring training started tomorrow. And if it did, he’d show up next Friday.

I kid because I care, Sammy.

Sidney Ponson is 27 and he’s worth $22 million for three years, but Greg Maddux is 38 and is worth $10 million for three? Sure. Whatever.

I admit it, I admit it, Kirk Hinrich is light years better than I thought he’d be. But then, maybe he just looks good compared to the stiffs he’s playing with?

The Wizard of Roz is backpeddling from his absurd Maddux column yesterday. He also reports that Jim Frey will be at the Cubs Convention this weekend. I will not be there, as the Cubs have banned me for a little incident last year that included a naked midget, PR wonk Sharon Pannozzo and a fire hose, but if I were going to be there, I’d be sure to kick the absolute crap out of the man who pissed away the 1984 NLCS and traded Raffy Palmeiro because the 500 homer man “has no power.”

Those of you who wanted to stop by Kitty O’Shea’s and have me sign autographs again this year, maybe you’ll get lucky and The Uncouth Sloth will be there?

Pudge might be forced to sign with Detroit. Hee hee.

Lenny Wilkens? Oh, that Isiah Thomas, he’s a sage!

Things could be worse, your football team could have hired a guy whose last name is an Irish term for bulls@#$.

Dick Vermeil got a contract extension…and cried…again.

Great news! ESPN took Marc Stein’s mug shot off of his columns!

Peter Vecsey on Isiah’s big move. How come nobody has pointed out that by hiring Lon Kruger to be an assistant, that Lenny Wilkens’ staff has four coaches and seven eyebrows?

Wesley Clark won’t like this. Hee hee.

Look, it’s not that I don’t like him. I just don’t want a president named Wesley.

Three losers, no waiting.

Hef hasn’t gotten Britney yet, but Rachel Hunter’s getting nekked for Playboy.

Jessica Simpson is going to endorse lickable perfume. Huh?

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