This weekend at the Chicago Hilton and Towers manic throngs of Cubs fans will gather for the annual Cubs Convention. What started out as a marketing gimmick to make a few bucks has turned into a huge gathering and the unofficial kickoff to the new baseball season.
Last year, Desipio was there and it really did serve as the true beginning of the Dusty Baker era. The weekend involved the Cubs fans booing Chip Caray (good sign), Dusty making an incredibly good first impression (better sign) and a bunch of drunks lining up at Kitty O’Shea’s in the wee hours of Sunday morning getting autographs from Bob Dernier…and me (very bad sign.)
The evil Cubs PR machine has banned us from the event this year, so we’ve decided to do take things into our own hands. We’re going to have our own!
Who needs $225 hotel rooms, or nine dollar bagels, or having to sit next to an incontinent guy from Iowa while Randy Hundley plays “Cubs Jeopardy” and gets the answer “This ironman was the Cubs starting catcher in 1969” wrong?
The Convention will be held at the fabulous Roy’s Motel in beautiful downtown Durand, Illinois, just minutes from the world famous Desipio World Headquarters.
Rooms are still available, but they’re going fast. Regular room rates apply:
One night, single occupancy — $27
One night, double occupancy — $34
You can also rent a room by the hour ($9) or at the per 15 minute rate of ($6).
Every room has its own phone and 19 inch black and white television!
That’s Roy, by the way.
Our convention is only two nights, as it’s hard to assemble this amount of talent for longer than that.
Here’s a look at the “roster”.
Current Cubs players expected to attend*
Outfielder Dave Kelton
Bullpen Coach Raul Lopez
Former Cubs expected to attend**
Tim Blackwell
Rich Bordi
Shawn Boskie
Brant Brown
Steve Buchele
Mike Brumley
Joe Carter
Billy Connors
Brian Dayett
Ivan DeJesus
Bob Dernier
Lance Dickson
Jim Essian
Barry Foote
Mike Harkey
Larry Himes
Bruce Kimm
Paul Noce
Jeff Pico
Ruben Quevedo
Domingo Ramos
Kevin Roberson
Bob Scanlan
Calvin Schiraldi
Roy Smalley
Scot Thompson
Gary Varsho
Tom Veryzer
Hector Villanueva
Chico Walker
Mitch Webster
Bump Wills
Other celebrities expected to attend***
Karry Ling
*Subject to change, depending on if Kelton remembers he said he’d attend while absolutely hammered at Scores the other night.
**Subject to change depending on whether some of these chumps can scrape together enough spare change to make the bus fare.
***Oh, he’ll be there.
As you can see, this event is pretty huge. We’re expecting media coverage from NBC and Al Jazeera.
We have some pretty special “seminars” set up as well.
What the hell happened that day in Milwaukee with Brant Brown?
Cubs superstar legend Brant Brown recounts September 26, 1998 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Four Aces
Legendary hurlers Jeff Pico, Lance Dickson, Mike Harkey and Shawn Boskie recount their long and illustrious careers as dominant Cubs starters.
Sixty Minutes with Dave Kelton
Karry Ling sits down in the grand ballroom at Roy’s Motel (capacity 24) for an exclusive, hour long, indepth discussion with Cubs slugger Dave Kelton.
Strip Poker
Three lucky fans will be invited to compete in a strip poker competition with pin-up Cubs Billy Connors, Hector Villanueva, Ruben Quevedo and Mike Brumley.
Autograph time!
Bob Dernier and Andy Dolan will re-enact their autograph session from last year’s far inferior Cubs Convention. Mr. Dernier’s new fiancee has stressed that he will not be signing women’s breasts, Mr. Dolan’s representatives have made no such restriction.
On the Air
Former Cubs announcers Josh Lewin, Joe Carter and Bob Dernier will hold a roundtable discussion on the state of the Cubs announcers and just how long and hard Chip Caray sucks at his job. Warning: Anyone seated in the first two rows should be prepared to get wet as Josh Lewin’s lisp has not improved since the playoffs.
Why the Cardinals suck
Andy Dolan hosts this six hour session that will include prank phone calls to Al Hrabosky, an interview with Jim Edmonds’ first wife (pictured)
and your chance to compete for an opportunity to kick Mike Matheny in the groin.
Stump the Braintrust
This fun, interactive sessions will include an opportunity for Cubs fans to win valuable prizes by stumping former Cubs managers and general manager Larry Himes with difficult baseball-related questions. In addition to Himes former managers Bruce Kimm and Jim Essian will be on hand, as well as new Cubs scout Grady Little.
The Big Finish
On Saturday night all of the convention guests and attendees will be entertained by former Saved By the Bell Star, turned pathetic tramp, Elisabeth Berkley, as she does some interpretive (wink wink) dance.
We certainly hope you can join us!
Are those the Rockford Mountains in the background of the Roy’s Motel photo?
I’ll bet Sharon Pannozzo will sneak out to your convention once she finds out Elizabeth Berkley is performing.
I’ve been riding the Greyhound up and down Illinois, and I can’t find those mountains behind Roy’s Motel.
The Cubs have hired fellow accursed wretch Grady Little as an assistant GM.
Insert your own joke here:
Roy’s is on the Durand/Wisconsin border. You know, Wisconsin’s pretty hilly. It helps the farmers tire out the sheep before the lovemaking.
BTW: thanks for not saying that the donut addict in the hotel room was me
Andy, I thought I was going to appear with Rob Neyer, Bill James and Chip Caray:
Craig Biggio in center, at second, behind the plate or in bed: Jack of all trades.
I had to decline Andy’s invite. I’m big in Japan, ya know?
I’ll be making a special guest appearance too! Watch out Hector, Rueben and Domingo! Mommy’s coming home to you
Will there be beer? If so, I’ll make an appearance.
Holy crap, this Levitra stuff works!
Hi Elisabeth.
Why am I so hungry for grapes all of a sudden?
i’m ok
I’m not invited? Thanks a lot Dolan, you jerk.
I think I might be available.
I will be in attendance, along with my lovely wife Sandy.
can I MC?
flibbuh, flabba, yubbuh, dubba.
jello puddin
Isn’t there a Roy’s across the freeway from the Santa Rita jail in Pleasanton, California? It sure looks the same. Of course I saw it from the other side and not from where this picture was taken.
Hey, last Cubs Convention I went to, I signed autographs for half an hour before folks realized I *wasn’t* Hector Villanueva.
I love Sandy Duncan baby! She’s got one eye, just like me! Together we have TWO eyes! She’s got one and I’ve got one! Two! She’s a great actress! Remember her show on NBC with Valerie Harper! That was funny I’d laugh until I PTP’d in my pants!
Courtney Duncan was underrated! What a key to the 2001 Cubs he was!
I also love him as Monica on Friends!
Jesse, is that you? It’s me Screech! Remember me? Remember that one night at the movies when you accidentally touched my leg and I ejaculated on myself? I just did it again.
I’ve got to print that photo.
Screech? Don’t worry, it happens to everybody. It used to happen to me when I’d have to spank you for being a bad boy.
God I miss you!
test
Oh, Screech, I really did love you. It’s just that TNBC wasn’t ready for a little Jungle Fever action in the ’90s.
Hey Cosby, that jibba jabba thing is my gimmick foo’!
If you want to here Jerry Angelo talk about running around with his turban on, click here.
Don’t I take elegant photos?
Yikes. These are going to be the creepiest court room artist renderings ever.
![]("http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20040116/s/r2016588656.jpg"/)
Hey Everyone,
I just stopped by to say that I signed a 1yr 9.75 mil deal today with the Cubs. Hoping for a multi-year before spring training.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-cubs-wood&prov=ap&type=lgns
heeeeyyyyy…that’s not Screech…it’s Justin Timberlake!!!
See, I’m not such a bad coach, I mean Matt Millen would never make a bad hire, right? Can’t wait for the first Bears/Lions game.
Socrates said, ‘Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live’. by free online poker