The Cubs Convention is over, and so is the Inaugural Desipio Cubs Convention (which was also a huge success–at least once we came up with enough bail money for Domingo Ramos and Barry Foote). There’s less than a month before spring training and despite Siberia like temperatures here in the lovely Midwest, optimism is nearly out of control.
So we have just one question for you Mr. First Ballot Hall of Famer, do you want to come be part of the first Cubs World Series team in 59 years? Because if you want to–and really who wouldn’t–all you have to do is jot your name down on a little piece of paper and we’ll see you in Mesa.
So, what’s it going to be?
This is that thing that only a few of us, those of us “in the know”, know. They’re going to still play 162 games this regular season. They’ll still let the Mets and the Cardinals and the Astros and everybody else play out the string and sell tickets to all of their games, but it does not matter. After 59 years, the Cubs are finally going to fly a big blue National League Champions pennant over Wrigley Field.
If you didn’t get our memo, just check out our banner that now flies near the top of our home page. Go ahead, click back and look at it if you missed it. We’ll wait.
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Over the weekend the delusional “Greg Maddux Cash and Carry” tour took another hit when Cardinals General Manager Walt Jocketty announced the team is out of money and not only would they not be adding any more free agents, but that they were going to try and sell all of JD Drew’s old wheelchairs to raise some cash. That’s an idea, but a foolish one, considering that Reggie Sanders will be needing at least one of those chairs.
The New York Mets decided to not make an offer for Greggie, and the Orioles signed the rotund hindquarters of Sidney Ponson.
If you’re scoring at home (and if you are–congratulations) that leaves two teams in all of baseball who have made (or are likely to make) offers to Mr. First Ballot Hall of Famer.
So it’s down to the Cubs and Padres. The Padres? Oh, for Chrissakes. If Greg Maddux picks the Padres they ought to make him explain how he got that weird scar on his chin. The Padres?
Sure, San Diego has a brand new ballpark, and sure they have Brian Giles and Phil Nevin and Ryan Klesko and they do play in the worst division in the National League, and sure Greg owns a house out there and it’s always 74 degrees and he can play golf every day.
The Cubs have the coolest ballpark in the world, they have Kerry Wood and Mark Prior and Sammy Sosa and Dusty Baker and a sold out park every day and when the playoffs roll around their will be 15,000 fans standing on the streets around the ballpark just to be close to the action.
Of course we’re high on Cubby optimism, and of course we’re about the most biased people you’ll ever meet, but just take a minute to consider this.
The 25 guys who break camp this year with the Cubs might think they know what they’re getting themselves into. Especially the ones who came five outs from a pennant. But they have no idea. Not only will the 25 guys who win the pennant in Chicago get free beer for the rest of their lives, they’ll become the kind of immortal that just never happens any more.
This is a town that will love even the most anonymous of the ’85 Bears for eternity. “Hey look, it’s Kurt Becker!” Just imagine what the ’04 Cubs are in for.
It’s up to you Greg. The sun and the surf will be there for you every day when your career is over. The Cubs aren’t going to wait around for you. Either hop on now, or get ready to watch the fun on TV.
We’ll keep #31 open for you though. Just in case.
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If you missed the convention, you can simulate it right here with clips from some of the “sessions.” To fully get the feel of the event though, you need to charge yourself eight dollars for a Pepsi, $12 for a beer and you have to sit next to some 87 year old female Cubs fan with a leaky diaper. Now you’ve got it.
In the “For starters” session a kid asked Kerry and Mark why they don’t bring a goat into the dugout during games. I thought, “Isn’t that what Wendell Kim’s for?”
Also check out Kerry’s answer to how to get Jeff Kent out, “I think now that he’s in the Central, I’ll just start hitting him.”
And Kerry’s answer to “What team will be the hardest to be beat in 2004?” “The Cubs.”
Mark Prior thinks that the Astros are actually building for the future by bringing Pettitte and Clemens in. Oh, I’ll bet fat Roger will be a great influence on his younger teammates, especially since he got the Astros to agree to letting him skip certain roadtrips. He just oozes leadership.
Dick Jauron is the new defensive coordinator in Detroit. The Bears will have to pay him a ton of cash this year to coach against them. Honestly, it’s probably going to be worth it.
The Bulls drew the day game in Washington today. Just as well, most of you won’t have to watch them get beat again.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to alibi for Donovan McNabb.
Albert Pujols got his contract advice from Sammy. Hee hee! He wants a “lifetime” contract, which, given his age is a four year deal.
Here’s the sound every CBS executive made when the Carolina-New England Super Bowl became official. “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Stewey says that the Huskers’ offensive evolution will take some time. Like 14 years.
Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.
Isiah wants to trade for Jamal Crawford. If I was the GM, here’s how this call would go.
Isiah: “Hi, Andy, it’s Isiah Thomas from the Knicks.”
Andy: “F@#$ you.” -Click.-
Are you like me, are you fired up to watch the Iowa Caucus tonight? Yeah, I’m lying too.
A Florida man was hog hunting with his son, and he mistook his son’s hat for a hog and shot him dead. This is tragic, but even more so because this was his son’s hat.
This kid must be smart, his brains are coming out of his nose!
I’d like a venti cat s@#$!
America’s finest news source gets the opinion of men on the street about fingerprinting foreign visitors.
Aren’t you glad you didn’t wake up this morning as a Philadelphia Eagle fan? It was bad to lose the pennant to the Marlins, but it doesn’t even begin to compare with losing to the…uh…the um… Well whatever the mammal that team from one of those Southern states is named after.
I’m taking Peter King’s advice, and taking a vacation to Indonesia for one of them cat crap coffees, Venti!
I’m also looking for a lifetime deal.
I read Peter King’s article, and I’ve got to wonder, why do the Philly fans (and players) keep saying "we’re not Buffalo"? The Bills went to 4 straight Super Bowls, and are considered one of the best teams never to win the Super Bowl. Not a great label to have, I know, but the Eagles are a good team who has lost 3 straight NFC Championship games, which means they’re, well, not even an afterthought outside Philly. When you say Buffalo Bills, everybody thinks of the 4 Super Bowls, but in 5 years nobody will remember who lost to the Panthers in the NFC Championship game in ’04. In other words, they aren’t good enough (and their losses is not epic enough) to compare to the Buffalo Bills.
CT, you’re right on regarding the pre-Buffalo self-labeling… I thought the same thing… And did you like that even though lacrosse season is over, Mary Beth still got a plug, this time for a clever (not) text-message…
What’s the over/under on her weight anyway?… 161lbs.?
We all know how Buffalo lost…
The game-ending "Wide Right" against the Giants, the two routs against the Cowboys, and the Super Bowl in Minneapolis against Washington nobody really remembers unless your name is "Rypien".
As Jake said, five years from now we won’t remember how Philly lost any of their games.
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Kaz Sasaki is quitting the Mariners. This frees up $9.5 million of payroll over the next two years for the M’s. Seattle may become a player in the Greg Maddux sweepstakes now.
Seattle? Uh, no.
"WE’RE GOING TO WIN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, SOUTH CAROLINA, MASSACHUSETTS, MICHIGAN, OHIO, MINNESOTA, OREGON, CALIFORNIA, OHIO, GEORGIA, FLORIDA, NORTH DAKOTA…YEE-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
WE’RE GOING TO WIN IN PITTSBURGH, CINCINNATI, MILWAUKEE AND HOUSTON! WE’RE GOING TO WIN IN ATLANTA, FLORIDA, AND NEW YORK! WE’RE GOING TO PHILADELPHIA AND WE’LL HAVE SCOTT ROLEN BEAT UP ON THAT RED-ASS LARRY BOWA! WE’RE GOING TO WIN IN MONTREAL OR PUERTO RICO! AND LOS ANGELES! AND SAN FRANCISCO! AND SAN DIEGO AND PHOENIX! AND THEN WE’RE GOING TO WIN IN CHICA…
Howard and Tony, you’re not fooling anyone. Is this what happens when you become a has-been and are unwilling to face it?
I thought Ohio was only one of the states in the Union, not seven there Howard (Both the real-life and the Desipio versions).
But there are six states in Ohio: Bowling Green State, Kent State, Cleveland State, Wright State, Youngstown State, and Ohio State.
Notice that LaRussa did not promise a victory in Colorado this year. This proves my point that the Rockies are World Series contenders this year.
Now if you’re going to excuse me, I’m going to make a purchase from "Da Bull."
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. by texas hold’em