It’s probably safe to say that every year there is more film footage wasted in shooting trite, horrible romantic comedies than any other kind of movie. For chrissakes this is the genre that expected us to believe that Meg Ryan would sleep with Billy Crystal, and that it was ok for Julia Roberts to suck off strange men for money as long as she had that hard and fast rule about “never kissing on the lips.”
If you stacked 100 romantic comedies in a room, 99 of them would suck the oxygen out of the room and kill you and the one good movie.
Over the weekend I saw one that was OK, not great, not really good, but not bad. It was your standard fare, with Ben Stiller as an anal insurance analyst and Jennifer Aniston in her typical role as somebody strange but hot. They were OK, but the reason Along Came Polly gets a mention here today was the Oscar Award winning performance of Philip Seymour Hoffman.
He played Sandy Lyle (no, not the golfer), but rather a former child actor who is now just fat and obnoxious and strangely charming.
Sandy has two classic scenes. One in which the term “sharted” is used, and will be used from now on with comedic reverence.
The other, in ESPN Classic parlance, instant classic scene in which Sandy and Ben’s character are playing two-on-two in a park. Sandy might be the worst basketball player ever, but he has a certain pananche to him.
First of all, check out those duds. Sweet.
Secondly, every time he takes a jump shot he screams, “Let it rain!” only to have the ball slam into the backboard with enough force to create some sort of sonic boom. It never gets old. Nor does his layup attempt that ends up with the ball at midcourt and him in a heap tangled in the fence.
I’m pretty fired up about playing tomorrow and paying homage to Sandy by screaming “Let it rain!” every time I shoot.
Otherwise the movie was fine. I’ve sat through some horrendous ones in the past. I was once on a date with a woman who went on and on about how many times she’d seen the movie “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”. She lost me in ten minutes.
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A day off, coupled with a Bulls matinee allowed me no excuse to not watch the game yesterday and it was so bad that I nearly went blind.
The game was so bad that the non-stop barrage of McDonald’s commercials actually worked. Enough “I’m lovin’ it’s” and I was in the car on my way to McDonald’s just moments after the Bulls had blown an 18 point first half lead and scored TWENTY-FIVE points in the second half a loss to the Wizards.
The quarter pounder with cheese was tasty, the Bulls effort was not.
I am loving the hell out of Scott Skiles though. Our little Phil Collins look-a-like often times looks like he wants to physically assault most of his players. This is enjoyable.
He’s also had two gems in his post game comments about Eddy Curry. When asked if Eddy’s confidence might be shaken he said. “Why would it be? Unless missing two foot jumpers makes it go away.”
Yesterday he was asked what Eddy could do to improve his rebounding and he said, “Jump.”
I love it when coaches break it down scientifically like that.
How sad is it that at the halfway point in the season the Bulls’ best player is clearly (and I mean definitively) Kirk Hinrich? It’s not even close right now. I’ve seldom seen a player who can shoot as well as Jamal Crawford, but at what cost? He makes just about every good shot he takes. Unfortunately he makes just enough of the bad ones that he continues to take more bad ones than good ones. (Does that make any sense? Of course it doesn’t!)
As for Antonio Davis, whose job is it to call him into the office and let him know that he’s dead?
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By the way, sometime today you’ll get your first Cubs Report of 2004. You’re welcome.
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KC Johnson (minus the Sunshine Band) calls yesterday’s Bulls loss “dreadful.” I cannot disagree.
David Huh says Terry Shea is a “passing game guru.” Funny, I remember him as the guy who coached at Rutgers when Notre Dame beat them 62-0.
Derrek Lee and the Cubs avoided arbitration with a one year $6.9 million deal. The only Cub left unsigned is The Farns, who is back in Alabama sitting by the phone waiting to hear what the Cubs offer is. Unfortunately, it’s Alabama and the phone is not actually connected to anything.
Groucho just figured out that Tim Duncan is good.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut and demands the Bulls stop wasting our time and start over! I demand he stop wasting our time with boring columns, yelling on a TV show that nobody watches and planning to gurgle his way through three hours of radio every day.
Kaz Sasaki shocked the world, not by giving up $10 million to stay in Japan and end his career as a Mariner, but by trying to convince us again that he’s 35 years old. I’ve seen U-Hauls with fewer miles on them than Kaz. He makes Albert Pujols look like Jonathan Lipnicki.
Bryan Burwell thinks the Cardinals should just give Pujols whatever he wants. Screw that, he’s only in his fourth year, right? He’s not a real free agent for three more years. You pay him what you have to for three years. This is just like our favorite pedaphile former radio host who after Kerry Wood’s rookie year wanted to lock him up for five or six years and went nuts when the Cubs just renewed his contract that year. We all remember that Kerry blew out his elbow the next spring and didn’t pitch again until 2000. You don’t effectively “buy” a players’ cheap years unless you can convince him to sell you his arbitration years, too.
Howard Dean is strange.
Here’s actual audio of him screaming “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!”
Terry McAulliffe says the Democrats are in the best position ever. Because they have control of the White House, the House and the Senate. No, wait…oops.
Young voters like Bush. Honestly, if you give a college kid a survey and ask him “Do you like Bush?” What’s he going to say?
What’s so funny now Limey?
The world’s greatest newspaper says beware of Mad Mouse disease.
Sandy’s routine of excessively clearing his throat during the board meeting will be oft-duplicated as well in any number of professional settings. Maybe Sam will try it tomorrow on the Apprentice…
I’ll have to see it again, but I do believe there were variations to Sandy’s in-game battlecry.. "Raindance!!!"
For the record, I hope to have my first "regular" column in to Desipio/NBC world headquarters by 5 o’clock today.
Actually, I’ve always thought that Jonathan Lipnicki is a 54 year old man with some sort of bizarre growth disorder.
I believe Sandy at one time or another uttered,
"Let it rain!"
"Raindance!"
and, I believe "Bring on the rain!"
I’m sure the DVD deleted scenes will also showcase
"Here comes the rain again!"
"Looks like rain!"
"Smell that rain!"
and of course, "I am the Rain King!"
I have a feeling that the editors left out the "I am the Rain King" one as a favor to Jennifer Aniston who probably had that song personally sung to her in the nude by her one time boyfriend.
Guh.
Oh, and BC…very subtle plug for your own work. ;)
My friend attended the Cardinals’ version of a Caravan this weekend at The Millenium hotel in St. Louis. It was basically an autograph show, and people were able to purchase tickets for each player they wanted in advance. The price structure was quite odd, especially given that the Cardinals claim that proceeds went to charity. He told me the prices and here they are in approximate (what I can remember) terms: Scott Rolen $65, Lassie Edmonds $60, Grandpa Pujols $50, Mouthbreathin’ Matt Morris $20 (I would’ve dropped 20 singles to take a pop at that jerk-off), Tony LaRussa $15, Steve Kline $10, and (are you ready for this?) Bo Hart for FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS!!! Sounds to me like the Cardinals definition of "proceeds" is "whatever is left over after we pays these clowns to sign autographs for theses suckers". On a lighter note, my friend Woody said Pujols misspelled the autograph personalizations he got from him (he spelled it "Wody", despite being teammates with Woody Williams for a couple of years), and the word going around Cardinal Nation was that Pujols may actually be 29. I just laughed, knowing that some equally-spooky characters had invaded downtown Chicago the same weekend to get Jose Cardenal’s autograph.
Oh, and hot and weird is not a stretch for Jennifer Aniston.
What? They was charging fourtee five dollurs fer Beaw Heart’s singsnature?
What a bunch of morans.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!
AND WE’RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA, AND TEXAS AND NEW YORK, AND WE’RE GOING TO SOUTH DAKOTA AND OREGON AND WASHINGTON AND MICHIGAN AND THEN WE’RE GOING TO WASHINGTON D.C. TO TAKE BACK THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A year ago today, I told you that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. A year ago today, I told you that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were working together to attack America. A year ago today, I told you that Iraq could rebuild itself from its oil revenues.
I lied about all that, but I’ve got some new ones for you tonight.
At least I didn’t disgrace the office of the presidency by getting a BJ from an intern.
HA!
I got Bo Hart to sign my cap and only had to pay him $40.
Bo Hart paid me $40 to have Lassie hump his leg. But I get too jealous so I had to say no.
Only 25 days until Spring Training! I hope Edgar got the KY shipment I sent him.
George,
You’re right. I am a disgrace.
XXOO
Monica
I’ve given every president since Andy Jackson a hummer!
I’m no disgrace! And I never lose my self respect, I always take my teeth out first.
WLS is reporting that Benny the Bull, or at least the guy inside of that suit, was arrested while trying to sell a bag of weed.
Only the Bulls.
Only the one, and only, Chicago Bulls.
Funny, Mr. President, I sat behind you as you gave your speech last year, and I don’t recall you saying that Saddam was actively working with Osama. The only thing that people seem to dispute is whether Iraq sought uranium from Africa, per "British Intelligence."
Care to go over last year’s speech for any moran’s who believe otherwise?
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/01/20030128-19.html
I can’t wait until Spring Training. Remember? It’s not illegal to have sex with animals in Florida.
I wonder how much I can get for that Bo Hart autograph on Ebay?
My name mean’s Benny the Bull, but that’s not me.
And remember what they say, "Everything can change in the blink of an eye."
"The only thing that people seem to dispute is whether Iraq sought uranium from Africa, per ‘British Intelligence.’" – Yeah, which directly contradicted our own intelligence, which, when revealed to the public, forced the Bush Administration to take the logical step of blowing the cover of a covert agent. Morans.
Man, there’s too much politics in my Daily Dose today.
Hey…
That sounds like a working treatment.
If you want my autograph, it’s going to cost more than $55 Million.
And, forget about charity.
I hope Walt Jocketty got the KY shipment I sent him.
Sorry CT,
George started it!!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHH!!!!!!!!!
When do pitchers and catchers report?
Dick,
It’s sometime in February, but according to ESPN, I could be a traded soon.
So, I may be coming to Chicago after all?
Here’s what I said, Denny. You would think as a former wrestling coach that you could read:
"Evidence from intelligence sources, secret communications, and statements by people now in custody reveal that Saddam Hussein aids and protects terrorists, including members of al Qaeda."
Even I know, Denny, that this bin Laden guy is in charge of al Qaeda.
Anyway, I don’t really want to go over my little speech point by point. It’d be too embrassing.
You know what I’m talking about, Denny: the materials to make 25,000 liters of anthrax (that we haven’t found), the materials to make 38,000 liters of botulism toxin (that we haven’t found), the 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent (that we haven’t found), the 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents (that we haven’t found), several mobile biological weapons labs (that we haven’t found), the advanced nuclear weapons development program (that was just a sham). Oh, and that uranium from Africa.
Don’t worry, Denny. I’ll just invoke September 11 a couple more times, and then the American people in their infinite God-fearing wisdom will think I’m defending them instead of deceiving them.
And, yeah, when DO pitchers and catchers report? I don’t read newspapers.
They found me!
NOOOOOOOOOO! Phil Rogers has picked the Cubs as a lock for the playoffs. This means that either 1) The Cubs are doomed. or 2)The Cubs are so good that even a dumbass like Phil Rogers can’t help but pick them.
What I wanna know is, where can I buy some of that anal insurance? I might be needing some soon…
If you’ll recall, ladies and gentleman. I did that yell back in 1984. Check the footage.
George, I really enjoyed these lies:
"Earlier today, I ordered America’s armed forces to strike military and security targets in Iraq. They are joined by British forces. Their mission is to attack Iraq’s nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons programs and its military capacity to threaten its neighbors."
"Saddam Hussein must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or the world with nuclear arms, poison gas, or biological weapons."
"And so we had to act and act now. Let me explain why. First, without a strong inspection system, Iraq would be free to retain and begin to rebuild its chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons programs in months, not years."
Oh wait. I said that when I bombed Iraq in December 1998. Of course, who knows what silly things I said. I was too busy getting impeached for trying to interfere with a civil case.
Look guys, we get it. Most (if not all) politicians are lying scumbags.
See…This is why I don’t vote. That and the felony conviction. Not to mention the whole Canadian thing. And I’m 14.
None of the above is true. I could be a politician.
TW, you may be a liar, but if you lied about the conviction then you’re not enough of a scumbag.
Anybody taken a look at ESPN.com’s Page 3? It’s actually LESS funny than Page 2.
How can anything be less funny than Page 2?
MC, I didn’t think it was possible, but they managed it.
I won’t sign with the Cubs until Andy comes out with his advertised Cubs Report today!
Ahem. I do the negotiating around here, Greg.
Andy, he won’t sign unless you do a Cubs Report every day and refer to him as GREG! just like you refer to SAMMY!
Oh, and he gets exclusive use of the Desipio jet. OK?
If I’m not mistaken the Desipio plane is undergoing repairs from Karry’s last escapade.
I know you all think I’m busy deciding life and death issues, whispering into GWB’s ear, and breaking the news to all those suicide bombers about there not really being 72 virgins waiting here for them…
But, today I’m taking a break from that to decide whether or not Albert Pujols really deserves that big contract. I’ll get back to you.
Destroying species is like tearing pages out of an unread book, written in a language humans hardly know how to read, about the place where they live. by texas holdem