It takes a talented man to squeeze six days worth of columns out of a two and a half day convention. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to pull it off.

But the Cubs Convention was not all about signing autographs for drunken fans and sharing a urinal with John McDonough. Oh, no it was all about baseball.

I’m often asked two questions.
a) Sir, would you please take your hand off my bosom?
b) What’s your favorite sport?

I’m always happy to answer both of those with a hearty, “Huh?”

I love football and always have. I will admit that when I played it I only wanted to do two things, though. Play enough to score, and play enough to “score” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Even I have no idea what any of that just meant.

I still play basketball, and as I sit here today, I have a sprained knee ligament to show for it. I now have to wear one of those gay-assed knee brace band thingys. You know the ones that look like big rubber bands that guys wear right under their knee caps?

But while I enjoy those two sports immensely. I love baseball. I can’t get enough of it. I go the DirecTV dish just so I could get the MLB Extra Innings package. I even spend ten bucks so I can listen to games on the Internet during the day. I’m sick.

And that’s probably why I enjoyed the Cubs Convention so much.

You put that kind of avid fandom in with being a Cubs fan, and I’m a sick, sick man.

Sure, I’ll look back on the convention and remember many things. Spending almost three fulls days with Desipio Senior Correspondent Mike Dolan without either one of us trying to stab the other one with a fork. Hearing the crowd boo Chip Caray. Getting my first childhood baseball idol’s autograph (Bill Buckner–see, I’ve always been tormeted). Seeing Cubs fans with full beards and only then realizing that they were women. (Yikes!)

But if anybody left me with a more favorable impression of them than before I got there, it was none other than Johnnie B. Baker, Jr. himself.

You can’t listen to Dusty talk without getting the very real impression that if anybody can actually win with the Cubs, it’s him. And that’s what scares me, because if he can’t do it. We’re so screwed. Unbelievably screwed. Screwed like anybody on the cast of that CBS Queens Supreme show.

And I would put the chances of Dusty actually winning a pennant in Chicago at 30-70.

These were the knocks on Dusty when he came in:
– Doesn’t like to play young players.
– Has a red ass the size of Tom Coughlin’s.
– Could very well end up trying to stab out his eyes with a toothpick while watching Kyle Farnsworth pitch.
– Has unhealthy obsession with useless utility guys like Ramon Martinez and Tom Goodwin.
– Got his nickname because he “loved” Dusty Springfield. (wink, wink)

But I sat through four different seminars in which Dusty took part. And skeptical as I was going in. I like him a lot, now.

He emphasized that the only reason he didn’t develop young players in San Francisco was because the Giants never gave him any to bring up. It’s true. Other than erstwhile prospects like Pedro Feliz and mongoloid Damon Minor, what hot shot prospects did the Giants give to Dusty in the first place?

A lot of people (me included) feared that when the Cubs traded for first baseman Eric Karros and second baseman Mark Grudzielanek (the ultimate eyechart name, there) that it meant curtains for the playing time of Hee Seop Choi and Bobby Hill.

Dusty went to great pains to emphasize that the Cubs need Hill to play every day. He’s the only leadoff hitter they have. He also seems to have an inkling of how good Choi can be, and wants to use Karros as a way of hiding Choi from lefties and giving Hee Seop some rest. If that’s true (and it’s a big IF), how can you argue with that?

Dusty was asked if pitchers would be put on “pitch counts.” He answered “no” and I thought Rob Neyer was going to come running through the door, his flannel ablaze. But Dusty went on to explain that he wouldn’t put a number on “all” of his pitchers. While saberdudes will tell you that 125 is the magic number, Baker said he’s not so sure.

“I managed Livan Hernandez and he could go 150 if he had to,” Baker said, as even I cringed. “And Russ Ortiz was about 120, but we had a guy like [Woody] Rueter and he could barely go 90. The idea is to get them out before they hit their number.”

I went to the trouble of creating a chart for Dusty to let him know which pitchers should be allowed to throw what number of pitches.
Kerry Wood — 130
Mark Prior — 130
Matt Clement — 120
Shawn Estes — 40
Carlos Zambrano — 100
Antonio Alfonseca — 6
Dave Veres — 20
Steve Smyth — 0

I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

That’s not to say that I agreed with all of Dusty’s ideas. He said he thinks his first spring training lineup concoction will have Bobby Hill and Corey Patterson hitting 1-2. That’s good.

But he said it’d be Corey hitting one and Bobby hitting two. That’s dumb. Bobby’s a leadoff man. In the minors he was a bunting and walk machine. Let him lead off and if he gets on, let Corey benefit from the pitchers’ preoccupation with Hill.

In fact. I have already made out Dusty’s lineup card for opening day. Let’s take a look.

17 — Hill, Bobby 4
20 — Patterson, Corey 8
19 — Choi, Hee Seop 3
21 — Sosa, Sammy 9
18 — Alou, Moises 7
28 — Bellhorn, Mark 5
8 — Gonzalez, Alex 6
27 — Miller, Damian 2
34 — Wood, Kerry 1

I know, I know. I’m nuts. How can I have three “rookies” leading off the lineup? Because Hill’s the only leadoff guy on the team. Patterson’s an ideal number two guy if he gets any kind of clue about how to use his wheels and if he stops trying to hit homers. And Choi’s best shot at being a force is hitting in front of Sammy. There’s a definite problem though, if Sammy’s leading off a lot of second innings. But we’ll see.

Unfortunately, opening day is in New York against the Mets and you can figure that not only will Tom Glavine pitch the first game, but Al Leiter will go in game two. That means we won’t see the Choi-Hill lineup until game three, right?

Probably.

So what will we see?

17 — Hill, Bobby 4 (Grudzielanek just sucks.)
28 — Bellhorn, Mark 5
21 — Sosa, Sammy 9
18 — Alou, Moises 7
29 — Karros, Eric 3
20 — Patterson, Corey 8
8 — Gonzalez, Alex 6
27 — Miller, Damian 2
34 — Wood, Kerry 1

But opening day is approximately (I’m too lazy to check) 65 days away. We’ve got plenty of time for:

– Bobby Hill to get hit by an ice cream truck and break his leg.
– Hee Seop Choi to get caught with North Korean nuke secrets in his luggage.
– Antonio Alfonseca to eat Dave Veres.
– Mark Prior and Kerry Wood to decide they’ve always wanted to be NFL quarterbacks.

I mean strange things can happen.

And when the Cubs are involved, that’s more of a guarantee than anything else.