When the limo pulled up with the first guy in it last night (i.e. the loser) I was stunned, shocked and very happy that slick, phony Charlie was the one getting out of the car. He was sure he’d won. The look on his face when Trista stuck the knife in his back and gave it a little twist was priceless.

But we’ll get to that. Let’s go through this two-hour finale (at least until next week’s wrap-up show) because there was all kinds of good stuff.

The show began with first Charlie (he always got to go first) coming to St. Louis to meet Trista’s family. I’m surprised that they didn’t “accidentally” run into Cara from Real World: St. Louis since she’s also from St. Louis and drawn to a camera like a moth to a candle.

Because Trista knows how to show a man a good time, she took Charlie to the Missouri Bottanical Gardens. Oooh! Trees! Plants! You know a guy is in love if he wanders a tree zoo with a woman for two hours and doesn’t complain.

Then, it was off to Trista’s dad’s house where Charlie would meet Trista’s dad (Stan) her mom, her stepmom and her step-sister.

The family just went head over heels for Charlie. Dad wanted to be his buddy, mom wanted to take him out back and jump on him, stepmom wanted to slap mom, the step sister just wanted more potatoes.

One thing that confused me was Charlie’s evasive answer to the question about what he did for a living. Something about being a financial planner but “I’m currently rethinking my career,” and then mom said “So it’s good that you’ve had all this time off, then.”

Is Charlie unemployed? That would explain why he keeps wearing the same black sleeveless t-shirt…

The best parts were when the family embarassed Trista by showing Charlie old photos of her. It’s a Dolan family tradition to grab the girlfriend and show her the photo album.

After dinner the family played “pull a question out of a bowl”–who hasn’t played this fun game? The step sister asked him, “What do you shave…other than your face?” Charlie answered that he uses clippers on his chest hair because he’s got “a sweater vest by Darwin.” Gee, thanks?

Charlie was asked what he sees in Trista. He said, “What I see in her, I adore.” That doesn’t really answer the question, now does it, Slick?

Trista’s stepmom liked Charlie and said, “Charlie wants to be with Trista for all the right reasons.”

Sure, if those reasons include winning her on a game show.

Stan (the dad) said that “He is very likable.” Let’s just say that Stan’s personality has about as much electricity as a Civil War re-enactment.

The stepmom said, “I’d be happy if they got engaged.”

Mom was too busy trying to picture Charlie shirtless to speak.

Then it was back to the limo for Charlie and Trista. In it, they had a very deep (snicker, snicker) conversation.

“I don’t want you to think bad of me if I was intimate with Ryan,” she said as Charlies veins began to bulge out of his forehead. “It kills me that I have to make this decision. You have my full heart, but I have feelings for Ryan, too.”

Perhaps we could provide a chart for Trista to explain how much of her heart would be left for Ryan if it was full of Charlie?

She went on, “I’ve had sex before, I’ve made love before.” Hey, thanks for sharing!

Charlie played Mr. Sensitive and explained that he knew she was in an unusual position. “I back you on that,” he said. It sounds like he’s endorsing a political candidate.

Trista then invited Charlie up to her hotel room. “I just want to be alone with you,” she said, and continued with (not making this up) “A little snuggle in the nook.” Is that what they’re calling it now a days?

In the morning, Charlie appeared wearing an Oscar Robertson jersey and said, “I am very happy with how last night ended.” (wink, wink)

“I’m not worried about Ryan.”

Ahh, but she should have been. We should have seen it coming. Here was Trista putting Charlie in a position where he had to be Mr. Sensitive, and then, the next day it was going to be all Mr. Sensitive Poet Fireman Ryan all-the-time.

After hopefully showering, Trista said, “Today, I”m just going to try and focus on Ryan.” Yeah, that’d be nice.

Their date was on one of those big paddle boat thingys down the Mississippi. What is with ABC and Ryan and Trista and water? Sea World? Puget Sound? A paddle boat?

The boat chugged south down the river and on their right was the Arch, they both said, “Ooooh, the Arch!” On their left was East St. Louis and they turned and said, “Oooh, gang violence!”

Trista said, “I think Ryan is trying to feel around.” Hello!

Ryan said, “I feel like I’m out on a limb—and Trista’s a big lumberjack motherf@#$er.”

OK, he didn’t say the last part. But he should have.

Then it was off to Stan’s to meet the same gaggle of Rehn’s (murder? gaggle?) that Charlie met the night before.

In the house, Ryan looked really tan. Too tan. Like Kramer in the Seinfeld when he fell asleep in the tanning bed. “I thought you said you were bringing home a white boy? All I see here is a damn fool!” It looked like that.

Ryan said, (to the camera) “This hurts. It’d almost be better to know it wasn’t me. Not this limbo.” Were they playing party games?

Trista said, (to Ryan) “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.” That could have meant I was thinking, “Oooh Ryan, hubba hubba!” or “Ewww Ryan, lousy poem guy.”

Ryan then said (to the camera) “I didn’t think about Charlie and Trista. It bothers me if she has feelings for somebody else. Charlie makes me nervous. It sucks to compete with someone of his caliber.” Yeah, whatever.

Charlie lover–Trista’s mom said, “We all kind of toned it down because of who Ryan was.” Not a good sign.

Stan observed, “You could tell Ryan was nervous.”

They tried to loosen Ryan up with some questions. Mom asked, “What kind of painting do you do? Pencil?”

Ryan should have said, “What kind of paint is pencil? No wonder Stan dumped your ass!”

Mom told the camera, “Ryan seems to be a special spirit. He’s on the shy side. When he says something, it’s important.” Kind of like Forrest Gump!

Ryan in his Forrest Gump voice, “I luv you Tuh-rista. I would make you a good hus-bund.”

The stepmom said, “There is no doubt in my mind that Ryan has fallen in love with Trista.”

Then, Ryan said he needed to talk to Stan alone. I thought maybe he was going to ask Stan what he thought the psychological reasons for Trista not being able to climax were.

Instead, Ryan rambled his way through a very long version of, “Can I marry your daughter?” Stan basically said he wouldn’t mind. Hey…uh…great?

Trista went out and put Ryan in the limo and then went back in to talk about him with her family. What the hell was that? If I was Ryan I’d have made the limo driver take me to a strip club on ABC’s dime.

It was pretty obvious that Trista’s mom still has the hots for Charlie, the stepmom wants to leave Stan for Ryan and Dad finally figured out that Charlie’s a sneaky prick and had come around to Ryan’s side.

In the limo Ryan said, “If I don’t get the rose it’ll hurt,” and I’ll kill myself.

Trista said (to the camera), “I still have no idea. I hope there’ll be some sign in the next few days.” As she said it we saw the limo drive by a billboard for Starkist tuna that said, “Sorry, Charlie.” Not really, but how funny would that have been? It’d have happened if this show was on Fox.

Trista took Ryan back to her hotel room, too. Tsk, tsk.

The next day, Trista got to pick out some rings for the guys to choose from. She made a big deal out of the fact she’s never had her finger sized before (not a big bowler apparently) and she nearly hyperventilated when looking at the rings. (Run Ryan, run!)

Then it was time for one more date with each of the guys. This time they got to hang out at Trista’s for a night. (Although, her place looked like a hotel suite. Oh, who knows?)

We got to see Trista with her glasses on. Aren’t glasses supposed to make you look smart? I know mine do. Or something…

Trista and Ryan sat on the floor in the living room and she asked him, “What would you normally be doing on a Friday night?” Ryan said, “What would I do to you?” Nice.

Trista says (to the camera) “Charlie’s been pretty open since we went on our overnight in Mexico. I think Charlie feels pretty confident with where he stands.”

We then see Charlie’s arm and the thing is so furry I was worried for a moment that Trista was being mauled by a bear. And, did we really need to see his belly the whole time he was laying on the floor on his back. Yo, Chuck! Pull your shirt down.

Trista kicked him out at the end of the night and it must have been a cool night in SoCal because at the door, Charlie had a little HEN action going on. (I very subtly wrote “Charlie’s nipped out” on my notepad.)

Trista should have said, “Drive safe! Turn those high beams down in town, though!”

Now it’s time for Ryan’s date and ABC gives the ladies what they want with a little shirtless Ryan action as he gets dressed. Do we really need this? We don’t get to see Trista skipping around in her bra, why do we need to see shirtless Ryan? Oh, well.

Trista meets him at the door and she’s got a diamond ring on her right hand. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but isn’t it curious that little missy “never had my finger sized” has one of those? Hmm.

Ryan brings her favorite kind of champagne and…they drink it out of margarita glasses. Fiesta!

At one point, Trista was lying on her bed and Ryan went to hug her and his face got stuck in her cleavage. Very suave.

Ryan said, (to the camera) “It’s frustrating, knowing I’ve put out so much.” I’m not touching that one.

Ryan begged to sleep on the couch (have some pride, man!) and Trista showed him the door.

The next morning it was time for the guys to go pick out the rings ABC was going to buy for them to offer Trista. Charlie did a little interview before he got dressed to go to the jewelry store, wearing his ratty black sleeveless t. Give it up, man.

They each went in and picked out rings. Blah, blah, blah.

Then it was time for the final selection. Finally. Creepy host guy gave Trista a hug and said intelligent things like, “You’ve got a hard decision, huh?” and “It’s going to be hard.” Paging Dr. Freud! Dr. Freud to the cheesy Bachelorette set!

Ryan and Charlie each did videos for Trista. Charlie’s was done in the botanical gardens in front of some fall trees. But it sounded like a hostage tape. “I…hope (blink-blink-blink–blinkblinkblink–blink-blink-blink)…that you…will…choose…to….spend (blink-blink-blink–blinkblinkblink–blink–blink–blink)..the rest of…your life…with me.”

Ryan’s was not in poem form (thank the Lord). But it was cheesy none the less. It involved him saying things like “In my life I’ve laughed often and much. I’ve won the affection of children.” Who is he, Michael Jackson?

Then cheesy host guy walked Trista down to some bird bath thing and went to the curb to meet the guys. They would come one at a time and not know if they were first or second. Because if you’re first…you’re screwed.

The first limo pulled up and…like always, Charlie got to go first. Hah! You’re screwed, Slick!

Trista played it cool. “When I first met you I got goose bumps on my chills and a little voice told me you were the one. Every moment that we spent together confirmed what that little voice said.” Charlie put the smuggest look on his face on record. Then, Trista paused…and paused…and paused…and Charlie’s eyes got a little too big, and then, as the casa Dolan rejoiced in shouts of “Loser!” she said, “Unfortunately…” And the cheering drowned out the rest. Mind you, it’s not that we like Ryan that much. We just hate Charlie. Pompous windbag…

Trista walked Charlie to the curb and he babbled on about how it was alright. But then, Charlie got in the limo and went off.

As Trista was telling the camera, “I didn’t realize how hard it would be to tell Charlie. I don’t think he was in love.” Charlie was in the car saying, “Talk about getting thrown in front of a bus. It’s ridiculous what just happened. There’s no one who could have guessed this. I dont’ want to put on a tough guy persona. That’s not me–never has been. But I’ll make an amazing husband someday.”

Buddy, you are all about the tough guy persona. See ya, pal.

Then it was time to bring in Ryan. He got out of the car with a look on his face that just screamed “lamb being led to slaughter.” He told cheesy host guy that his heart was beating like a rabbit’s.

As good as Trista’s put down of Charlie was, her long, tortured way of telling Ryan he won was just painful. “Since I was a little girl I’ve seen this day. But the man’s face was always blurred.” How drunk was I?

She needed an editor. Anyway, she finally spit it out that she picked him. Then, he gave an equally long, tortured speech, then got on one knee, flashed the ring and asked her to marry him. She said yes.

And, our long national nightmare is over. For a couple months until The Bachelor III comes back.

-A few random things about the show.

-I honestly think that had Ryan lost he’d have been the Bachelor on the next show. The women of America loved this guy. The cheesy poems, the fact he’s a firefighter, the bad pencil drawing of a white tiger…it was all there. Charlie might be more fun to hang out with, but you can just tell he’s a tool.

-The most irritating moments of this show (other than anything with Russ in it) were when Trista would lapse into that annoying, high-pitched, phony little girl’s voice. I counted, she did it seven times last night. Let’s hope Ryan and Trista live in Vail so he has an excuse to wear ear muffs.

Next week we not only get to see Ryan, Trista and Charlie re-united (I hope Charlie brings the stripper girlfriend you so know he has now) and the two losers from the last Bachelor.

ABC then sent us to Australia to see the debut of I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here. This show is so bad, it’s good. How great was the tantrum Melissa Rivers threw when she found out they were going to pour bugs and rats down her pants? Like she didn’t do worse to get that gig on E!

Nikki Ziering is an absolute keeper. Did she really bring an eyelash thingy to the outback? And how fat is Robin Leach? Yikes.

I liked Alana Stewart crying for no reason and of course, Stuttering John is the perfect guy to have making fun of the other “celebrities.”

We’ve got 14 more nights of that. Wow.

And, I wanted to quickly talk about last night’s Ed. I’m not wild about this whole Carol pushing Ed to date Frankie thing. Number one, Carol’s still hotter and Ed has supposedly been in love with her for like 20 years. Number two…yeah, I’ve just got number one.

I did like confirmation that Stella Vesey deflowered little Warren Cheswick. Stella is of course played by Nicki Aycox and Warren is a very lucky little 18 year old horndog.

Here’s what made me mad about the episode. The whole trial thing was just ridiculous. Ed gets sued for pulling a guy out of a burning car and neither he or Frankie has the brains to ask the guy, “Why, sir, were you still sitting in a burning car?” Morons. And they lost the case! How can you lose that?

The whole Molly-Biff thing is already tired. We need more Mike and Nancy, they’re actually funny.

And, kudos to the writers for the Say Anything tribute with Warren holding the boombox over his head to get Stella’s attention. She even mocked him for picking the wrong song..instead of Peter Gabriel, what did Warren play?

You guessed it:

Journey.

Who knew?

Sammy’s in camp. He’s happy. He’s thinner. He’s ready to turn the boombox down. You know, only moron Cubs fans like us worry about any of this crap. The guy will hit .300 with 50 homers and 120 RBI. He’s the least of our worries.

Anyway, here’s said boombox:

Dusty ain’t fraid of no ghosts. Really, I think we all miss Ray Parker, Jr., don’t we?

Groucho is giving up on the Eddie Jones deal. For now.

The mighty fighting Huskies are all about working hard. Aren’t we all?

Ricky Cornette is riding the bench, and apparently it’s all good. For now.

Phil Rogers thinks we care about Rocky Biddle.

Mike Downey thinks we care about Phil Jackson.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to mock the rest of the media.

Moises Alou actually worked out this year. How nice.

The Wizard of Roz on hockey and then Sammy. He’s on every side of this Sammy thing. He needs to just move on.

Mike Riley’s back for more Beaver.

Ever notice how much better Sports Guy’s non ESPN The Mag columns are? They either edit the funny out, or he needs more space.

Has Jim Caple ever been funny? Who’s paying this guy for these things?

I think this just might be a trade that hurts both teams. The Grizzlies needed to get whiter? The Magic needed fewer guys who could score?

Tom Verducci, PharmD on ephedrine.

EW thinks Trista got it right.

Yeah, was Jane Pauley still at NBC?

When you think action star, you think Alfred Molina, don’t you? Don’t he and his brother catch for the Angels?

Take this corpse and stuff it!

Damnit, when we say don’t feed the deer, we mean don’t feed the deer!

Simon and Garfunkel are coming back. Funny thing is, only then will we remember that Art’s the one who can really sing.

Wait, you mean Jesse Jackson owns a nightclub? Where does he get his money? Has he ever had a job?

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