Look outside and depending on where you are you might see some interesting things:
1) If you live in the Midwest you’ll see some snow on the ground.
2) If you live on the east coast you’ll see a lot of snow.
3) If you live where I do you’ll see Karry Ling passed out on a lawn chair with a squirrel on his lap trying to hide his nuts.

Wait, that didn’t come out right.

No matter where you live it’s almost time for spring training. And this isn’t just any old spring training. This is Spring Training 2004! The one we’ve been waiting for since Paul Bako hit that flyball to left field to end the Cubs season. This is the year that we all get our payback for 96 years of misery.

So why wait? It’s time to do our first Cubs Report of 2004.

When last we saw the Cubs they were in the fetal position being kicked violently by a 12 year old who has won more World Series in their existence than the Cubs have won since 1905. So let’s not go there.

2003 was a great year, a fun year and one in which the Cubs reminded us that no matter how much things change, they still kind of stay the same.

But that’s not to say that these are the same old Cubs. They have a manager who does nothing but win. They have a pitching staff that’s the envy of every other. They have actual sluggers on the team who play positions other than right field. They have a bench with actual useful parts on it. They plugged a hole in the bullpen the size of Candy Crowley. In short, they’re the best team in the National League.

Excuse me, I need to sit with my head between my knees for a moment. I’m not used to this kind of thing.

Let’s start where we always start:
Samuel Peralta Sosa, RF In many ways 2003 was Sammy’s worst year and his best one. He showed up for spring training on time and turned down his boom box (good), he got hit in the head and shattered his helmet (bad), he had his big toenail ripped out of his foot (bad), he got caught using a corked bat and drew international criticism (bad), he got red hot in August and September and just in time (good), his slumbering postseason bat awoke at just the right time (game one of the NLCS), he missed the cutoff man in that horrific eighth inning of game six.

It’s a good thing I’m not Dusty Baker or Jim Hendry. At the Cubs Convention on Saturday some old lady (at least she sounded like an old lady) got up and started on a rant about how “that guy” who hits 40 homers and drives in 100 runs every year (it’s more like 50 and 120, but who’s counting?) is a bad man and has a bat attitude and how anybody who crosses him gets shipped out of town (Mark Grace? Oh, give it a rest.) and how when his contract runs out after 2006 he should get strapped to the first bus out of town. It’s a good thing I’m not Dusty or Jim because the reply would have been this.

Hey Grandma Moses, nice that you could make it. Now why don’t you gimp on outside and get back in your buggy and drive back to 1914? I think they miss you. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a guy who can hit like Sammy? Do you have any idea how impotent this offense is when he’s not in the lineup for long stretches? You may not like him, but if you really think this team is better without him, the Cardinals still have good season tickets available. I’ll buy you a package and you can hang out with the other mouthbreathers this summer. Next!

Does anybody here not think that Sammy will have a huge year in 2004? I didn’t think so.

Corey Patterson, CF When last we saw young Corey he was ripping through the National League like it was a Tuesday night slow pitch softball league. He had it all going. He was hitting for average and power and was stealing bases. He was playing gold glove defense. Then, he blew out his knee against the evil Red Satanic Fowl and the season looked lost. It’s easy to forget that he was hands down the best Cubs player for more than half the season last year. He’s still a kid, he’s still getting better and when it all comes together he’ll be your favorite Cub. Trust me on this.

Moises Alou, LF Playoff Moises pissed me off. Playoff Moises played hard, played a good left field and showed the passion that we never saw before. Playoff Moises was a force to be reckoned with. It was easy to see how Playoff Moises was nearly the 1997 World Series MVP (he got robbed by the Livan Hernandez hype machine). So why does Regular Season Moises always look like he needs a nap? If Playoff Moises showed up for 125 games this year he’d hit .310 with 30 homers and 100 RBI. Instead we’ll get 115 games of Regular Season Moises and ten games of playoff Moises, and about 37 games of “ouch my aching ______________” Moises. Sigh.

Derrek Lee, 1B If one thing was ever a microcosm of the difference between the Jim Hendry Era of General Managership in Chicago and any other, it’s the November trade for Derrek Lee. This was the first glimpse we got that Hendry recognized that the Cubs had a good team who caught lightning in a bottle at the end of 2003. It was our first glimpse that Hendry knew this team was good, but needed to get better. So he made a deal that cost the Cubs a prospect (our old buddy Hee Seop) and money (huh? Really?) and the Cubs are much better off for it.

Every time the Cubs trade for or sign an erstwhile slugger, some dope writes that “this guy could hit 40 homers in Wrigley”. I’m not going to do that. Because Derrek Lee WILL hit 40 homers this year. You can bank it. Here’s a guy whose best power is to the gaps, which always make for a welcome target at Wrigley. He’ll also play Gold Glove defense, he’ll be the best baserunner on the team and we’ll regret the loss of Hee Seop for about six minutes.

Besides, he can motivate the troops by showing them the World Series ring they were five outs from playing for last year.

Mark Grudzielanek, 2B Speaking of lightning in a bottle, how the hell did Gruddy post a .366 on base average last year? I’m not complaining. He was the toughest, most reliable of the Cubs position players and he did his job in the field and at the plate. He also found no takers when the Cubs made him a free agent and he had to settle for less money to come back. Think he’ll be a little motivated again?

Todd Walker, 2B Oh, the other reason he’ll be motivated is right here. Todd Walker is my favorite new Cub for his reason. When asked why he turned down a two-year deal in Cleveland Walker said, basically, “I played in a pennant race last year in Boston where the fans were nuts every day, and I didn’t want to lose that. The only places you can go to where you know you’ll win are to play for the Red Sox, the Yankees and the Cubs.”

Read that last part again. I’m giddy just thinking about it. Because you know what? He’s right.

Dusty was careful this weekend to say that Gruddy’s the second baseman and Walker’s the backup, but you just know that by June, Walker will be trotting out there more days than Gruddy. This lineup is screaming for his lefty bat, and he may field like he’s wearing an oven mitt, but Walker can rake.

Alex Gonzalez, SS Call me crazy, but I think this is the year when Gonzalez puts it together (well, for him anyway). Other than the horrible error in game six, the postseason Gonzalez bore no resemblance to the regular season one. He hit the ball to right field, he hit four homers in the NLCS and you actually liked having him come up with runners on. Gary Matthews claims that Gonzo finally has learned to stay behind the ball and hit it where it’s pitched. I’m skeptical, but we’ll see. If he could hit .260 and strike out ONLY 110 times, he’d be valuable. Otherwise, he’s just the same old dud.

E-ramis Ramirez, 3B Jim Hendry is sending out all kinds of signals that 2004 is E-Ramis’ “prove it” year. The Cubs had three prominent players in the final years of their contracts going into this season; Kerry Wood, Derrek Lee and E-Ramis. Kerry and Derrek have new deals for 2004 with long term ones to come. E-Ramis hasn’t even gotten a phone call. We saw it every day from July 27 on, there’s no disputing E-Ramis’ talent. His defense improved from hideous to decent, and certainly could get better. He got a lot of big hits down the stretch and his granny in Game Four put the Cubs on the verge of the pennant. I think he’ll continue to prove he’s the best offensive third baseman in the NL Central in 2004. But then, I’m a dope.

Michael Barrett, C Somewhere in the Cubs organization there’s a scout or an advisor or a general manager who thinks that the wheels are about to fall off of Ivan Rodriguez. Last year they settled for Damian Miller, this year they settled for Michael Barrett. I have no idea. I do know that if Michael doesn’t break his hip, or be forced to play third base on a regular basis, he’s proven he can hit as a full-time catcher. What troubles me is the knock that as the season goes on and he gets beaten up behind the plate that his offense tails off. We saw Miller and Bako get beaten up pretty badly by this pitching staff. It’s going to happen again.

Paul Bako, C Last year I thought Paul Bako was the worst player in the National League. This year I’m going to say he’s not the worst, but he’s in the bottom ten. He just sucks.

Ramon Martinez, UI Dusty loves Ramon, and really, as long as he doesn’t play too much he’s pretty valuable. He’s got lousy range at short but handles second and third pretty well. He’s got a decent, but not spectacular bat and he proved last year he’ll change uniform numbers once or twice if the Cubs trade for a better player. So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.

Jose Macias, UI What the hell do we need this guy for? Hendry likes his versatility, but from what I’ve seen, the thing that makes him versatile is that he can make outs in any spot in the lineup and from any spot on the field. Yay?

Todd Hollandsworth, OF/1B Last seen torturing Joe Borowski, you have to figure that Regular Joe offered up some of his own cash for the Cubs to sign him. He’s a good extra player, and can play any outfield spot and first. He’s a huge upgrade over the rotting corpse of Troy O’Leary and unlike former Cubs phenom Jerome Walton, he won an undeserved Rookie of the Year but managed to stay in the league.

Tom Goodwin, OF Let’s hope his deal with the devil has a second year on it. Goodwin is the easy, obvious choice for Cub who played over his head last year. Do we really think he can steal 19 bases again or hit better than .400 as a pinch hitter again? I didn’t think so.

Dave Kelton, OF While Goodwin is unnecessarily clogging a roster spot, Kelton will be playing left field in Des Moines. This pains me.

Kerry Wood, P Last seen imploding on the mound in game seven, Kerry handled his disastrous outing the way you or I would. He stood in front of his locker and said that “I choked.” It was harsh, but that’s why we love Kerry. Those emotions are right out there for you. There was a time not long ago (like July) when we all wondered if Kerry was ever going to get it together. But down the stretch and through three starts in the playoffs, he was everything he was ever supposed to be. He’s still only 26 years old. That means one thing for the National League. Buckle up.

The Franchise If they thought that was bad, how about 23 year old Mark Prior? Does anybody doubt that after a couple of starts in 2004 the world will have to acknowledge that he’s the best pitcher in the National League? It was a little troubling on Friday night to hear him complain that spring training was so close, but he’ll get over it. Here’s all you need to know about The Franchise. If you had to pick one Cub to be on the mound in late October this year with five outs to go for a pennant, you’d pick him again. Nobody makes it look easier.

Carlos Zambrano, P If any of the Cubs starters showed the effects of the long season it was the other 23 year old, Carlos. Big Z got tired down the stretch, and deservedly so. When Prior got hurt in July, it wasn’t Kerry Wood who picked up the Cubs and put them on his back, it was our big Venezuelan. Without Carlos there would have been no playoffs. Given, finally, a full year in the rotation, Carlos will be better off for it in 2004. Besides, we’ll love him forever just for saying out loud what we all think every day, “It’s time to go out there and kill the Cardinals!” Amen, brother.

Matt Clement, P Chinhair Man is the most likely to get shipped off at some time during the season. If the Cubs sign Greg Maddux, Clement won’t last the season. He’s too much of a plodder to make a quick transition to the bullpen and the rise of either Juan Cruz or Angel Guzman, or both, will make him expendable at some point. Plus, I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s a wuss. But that’s just me.

Juan Cruz, P If he’s 25 years old, I’m Albert Pujols’ uncle. But there’s no denying his arm. Nobody suffered more from not having a defined role in 2004 than Juan did. Part of me just wants the Cubs to let Maddux sign with anybody but the Cardinals and let Juan have the starter role. I think if he does, you’ll see a Zambrano like improvement. Then again, maybe Juan’s just good enough to get hammered two out of every three starts? Hmm?

Todd Wellemeyer, P Todd finds himself in the same spot Juan has been in the past couple years. He’s the long man on a team whose starters think it’s their birthright to pitch seven innings every day. When he got regular work after his initial call up he looked great. When he didn’t…ick.

Sergio Meat Tray — I have no idea.

Mike Remlinger, P It took Dusty a while (a little too long, actually) to figure out that Remlinger is tougher on righties than lefties. He also had a little schmutz in his shoulder that hindered his pitching. Yes, schmutz (sorry about the technical medical terms). He’s had that scoped and says he’s ready to go. But what player doesn’t say they’re ready to go. The Cubs just want him to be somewhere between the unhittable 2002 Remlinger and the too hittable 2003 one.

Kent Mercker, P Mercker had a nice year for the Braves after a decent one with Cincinnati last year. Lefty relievers are tough to find and even tougher to count on. So who knows?

The Farns, P Everybody’s favorite WWE wrassler/reliever Kyle Farnsworth re-established himself in 2003 as a good set up man. But he should be so much more. That slider/heater combo is hittable too often. The good news is that he stopped falling behind and letting up on the heater last year. Considering he’s not even the primary right handed set up guy this year, the bullpen’s in good shape.

LaTroy Hawkins, P All LaTroy was in 2003 was the best righthanded set up man in baseball. That’s not much is it? Wait? The Cubs are paying him more to set up games than they’ll be paying the closer, and interestingly enough, neither guy seems to mind.

Regular Joe Borowski, P How about this, Joe Borowski didn’t blow a save in August or September last year? It’s seldom pretty, but Regular Joe is actually one of the more efficient closers in the game. He’s also one of the coolest guys ever. The Cubs are set up so that if he falters they’ll still have a closer (LaTroy), but who’s to say Regular Joe will falter? Not me.

Dusty Baker We can sit here all day and you can give me tangible examples of strange moves Dusty made and I still won’t agree that he’s nothing but a great manager. That Cubs team that started the year was a pile of what Michael Jackson would call “doo doo feces.” He not only kept it afloat (eww), he kept it in first place for 32 days in April and May. When the reinforcements showed up, the Cubs put the hammer down and roared from five games back in August to win the title on the second to last day. Dusty’s players would run though the Ivory (copyright, 2003 Juan Pierre) for the guy, and the Cubs developed an attitude that not only could they win, but that they were going to. They even sacked it up and got in some good old fashioned beanball wars last year. No matter the company, Dusty’s always the coolest guy in the room. And I’m glad he’s on our side.

Ron Santo The toughest guy around proves it over and over again. We love to mock Ronnie’s lack of broadcasting style, and for good reason, but nobody aches for the Cubs like good old number ten. Last year he had a leg amputated so he’d be ready for opening day, this year he refused an arrangement that would have allowed him to just broadcast home games so he could do all 162. You wonder if he’ll live long enough to get his just due in Cooperstown, but all he’s got to do is make it to October 2004 to see the Cubs dogpile a pennant. I really believe that.

Pat Hughes I’m biased, but so what, Pat’s a dork, but he’s the best radio play by play man around (duck, here comes Dan Mazeroski). He’s going to have plenty to be deadpan about in 2004.

Steve Stone He’s still good and entertaining, even if Chip Caray is beginning to pull him down to his level. He has too much love for Craig Biggio, too, but all in all we’re lucky to have Steve. Some of the brutality we have to listen to around the league is just painful.

Chip Caray I’m in too good of a mood today to get out the axe for Chip. Let’s just say that significant signs are starting to reveal themselves that his reign of terror over the Cubs airwaves is slowly coming to an end. He’s a hack. He’s insipid and he needs to go away. Alas, that will not be this year.

So that’s it, for now. If a certain First Ballot Hall of Famer joins the gang, we’ll throw him into the mix.

In the meantime, we’ll try and wait patiently for the year we’ve been waiting for all our lives. But it won’t be easy.