Hello again, America, it’s your old pal Karry Ling here and I want to start by asking, “Am I the only guy old enough to remember just why and the hell Dennis Miller having a monkey on his TV show is ironic?”

I thought so.

The best part about having a monkey on your show is that when a guest gets out of line, you can just have the monkey throw poop at him.

Today is the all-important New Hampshire primary. I’ve been to New Hampshire. Here’s what is in New Hampshire.

1. White people, about 1.2 million of them.
2. Cows, about 4.5 million of them.

That’s it! Besides, it was one of the original 13 colonies, so how “new” is New Hampshire? Where’s Old Hampshire at? Hmm?

I was supposed to go cover the Golden Globes again this year, but on Friday we received notice that Joan Rivers has had the restraining order against me renewed. Honestly, I had no idea it was her. When I first met Joan, the skin that’s now on her face was still just above her chest.

But I watched the whole thing on TV, and let me tell you something.

I hate actors. I just hate them. Can you imagine a more vapid, phony, self-serving bunch of people in the world? Have you ever walked up to a normal person on the street and said, “Who’re you wearing?” The only time I ever asked that was the time I broadcast the 1957 Nude Piggyback Race Finals in Melbourne Beach.

Pat O’Brien was part of the pre and post-show teams on NBC. Just how far has this guy fallen? Remember when he used to be the guy who said, “And the Road to the Final Four rolls on at CBS,”? Now he’s standing on the red carpet at a half-assed awards show praying that the producer will remind him in his earpiece the name of the fruitcake that Elton John is holding hands with.

Then there’s his co-host Nancy O’Dell, who is really a very handsome woman, but who felt at every possible moment to remind us all that she’s younger than Charlize Theron.

Look, I’m younger than Ed Asner, but I don’t go throwing that into conversation willy nilly.

There were a few surprises from the Globe after parties. First off, Queen Latifah does indeed know how to use utensils when she eats. No more handfuls of mashed potatoes and gravy for the queen.

Barbra Steisand and the muffler man were on hand for the awards and she’s living proof that if you’re rich enough, you can just pretend it’s cold, even when it isn’t, just to hide your fat ass.

Hugh Hefner doesn’t go anywhere without ten of his own golden “globes.”

Holly Hunter’s neck was attacked by an opossum.

And, Jennifer Lopez’s breasts continue their slide down towards her knees.

OK, enough about that. Let’s get to the real news!

Sir, I can’t find that old glory hole anywhere!

Here’s Wes Clark getting ready for his next career. If he doesn’t get it to you within 30 minutes, he has to liberate your neighborhood for free.

“Hey Dr. Dean! Suck this!”

“It’s Joe…Joe Lieberman…Senator Joe Lieberman…your son!”

The first New Hampshire primary results actually came last night from a place called Dixville Notch.

When asked if he knew what “Dixville Notch” was, President Bush demonstrated:

This youngster is auditioning for a new R. Kelly video.

Oops, gotta go. Looks like dinner’s done. Until next time, America.