A lot is being made that the tribe of all men in this season’s Survivor act a lot like seventh grade boys. That’s true. But at the same time, the women are acting a lot like seventh grade girls. And this is so entertaining, it’s almost astonishing.

Previously on Survivor: The Amazon: The castaways have been divided into two groups, one of all men (Tribe SausageFest) and one of all women (Tribe of the Vagina Monologues). The men built a kick ass tree house shelter in about a day. The women built a pile of sticks. The men have a Magic 8-Ball and use it to determine which woman they’ll hook up with. The women have a fishing net that crazy Joanna is cutting holes in. The men sit around and bitch about Roger. The women sit around and boil their underwear. The men built a huge lead in the first immunity challenge only to lose it when the dry humping tag team of Daniel and Ryan couldn’t get off a log. The women won immunity and went back to camp to lie on their pile of sticks. The men went back to drool the drool of regret on the pillow of remorse. Ryan got the boot.

Week two opens with a look at Tribe of the Vagina Monologues. It’s day four and they have no shelter at all. Man-woman Deena is ready to take over. She says that they need one person to handle water, one person to handle the fire, etc. They all stare at each other and don’t do anything.

Meanwhile, SausageFest is a beehive of activity. They’re making biscuits out of the flower they were given in their ration kit. They’re lounging around in the treehouse. Alex, the triathlon coach (huh?) says “It’s not the Ritz, but it’s cool.”

Rocket scientist Dave eats some biscuit and says, “It’s filling and it’s average. It’s cool.”

Everything’s cool, apparently.

The guys decide to go fishing again. They pile into the canoe and off they go. Butch tries to direct them all as they cast the net into the water and then pull it up to see what they caught. How many morons does it take to catch a fish? There are five in the boat, so the answer is obviously “more than five.”

One of the guys looks up and says, without a hint of George Costanza in his voice, “It looks pretty angry.” And they all look at the horizon. Some big dark clouds are heading towards them.

They get back to SausageFest just before the heavy stuff starts to come down. Dave sits in the treehouse and says, “It would suck to be outside right night.”

Back at Tribe of the Vagina Monologues they’re standing in the rain. Jeanne doesn’t even have enough brains to put her poncho on.

Lovely Shawna bitches that it’s raining and says that their priority is to build their fire shelter. Fire what? The guys just crank up a new fire every morning, how come the ladies can’t? How did they get the fire started in the first place? Lightning? So there they are, standing out in the rain holding palm leaves over the fire to keep the water off it. Morons.

The first reward challenge of the season is a puzzle. It’s another lame “blindfold everybody and have one person guide them to the pieces” thing. Blah.

Vagina Monologues sit out Christy, because she’s deaf. You put the blindfold on her and you’ve got Helen Keller.

Who does SausageFest sit out? Nobody. Because they were losers and lost the immunity challenge last time, so they’re a man down.

Butch is the SausageFest caller and Joanna handles it for the ladies.

Butch completely sucks at this. He’s calling everybody “Roger” and he’s got the guys running into each other. He has no idea who anybody is. It’d be great to be a student in the junior high he runs in Illinois, you could walk up and punch another kid and then just tell him that Roger did it.

Joanna loves to talk, so she’s in her element. The women are kicking ass. They have their puzzle half done before the men even get all of their pieces collected. Christy yells out “We gunna haf dinnuh tonite!”

What is the prize? A jar of bait. Mmmmm. Unless the ladies eat the bait, they’re not having dinner. Given them a jar of bait is about as useful as handing out condoms at a Star Trek convention. They may have an idea of how to use it, but it’s never going to come to that.

Back at SausageFest, Roger says, “I have to admit I’m not used to losing to women. I’m no chauvenist, though.” No, of course not.

Dave (man, this guy can find the camera, huh?) says, “Seven guys don’t want to lose to a bunch of girls.”

Back at triumph of the Vagina Monologues, the ladies are looking at whatever the hell it is that they made out of the flower. It’s black and yellow and completely inedible. Heidi, the apparent chef of said meal says, “I tried to burn it some more because it was wet.” Huh?

Janet gets a spoonfull and looks at it. Heidi says, “It has a lot of maggots in it.” Janet looks twice at the spoon and then eats it.

The only thing that could have made this better would have been if they it edited like the Spalding Smales booger eating scene in Caddyshack. “Ten bucks says the Smales kid picks his nose. Double or nothing he eats it.”

“That kid will eat anything.”

Jenna said, “I think the guys are cocky.” So many jokes…so little time.

The best visual of the show though was Jenna with her fishing line all baited up. She’s fishing in about two feet of water and can see some little fish below the surface. One finally bites on the bait and she gets so excited she screams, throws her hands up in the air, let’s go of the pole and fish gets away. Priceless.

“Now that we know we can catch fish,” she said. “Things will be better.” Yeah, how about learning how to catch them and…oh, I don’t know…actually collect them?

Back at SausageFest Roger is filling the role of ignorant homophobic old man played to a tee by guys like Rudy in past Survivors. Only Roger is missing Rudy’s unintentional humor.

He’s going off on Alex about how weird it is to be gay and how it’s unnatural and sex should only be had by a man and a woman and for “procreation” purposes. Alex knows Roger has two kids and says, “Oh, so you’ve only had sex twice? Just to procreate?”

Rob says, “I was looking for somebody else to join us to vote off Roger, and now he’s talking to Alex. Roger’s a bigot.”

Basically, Roger is doing Rob’s work for him.

Back at Vagina Monologues, Deena makes an astute observation. “When it gets dark out here, it’s not like it is in the city. It’s dark.” Yeah, not as many street lights in the Amazon, huh?

Joanna is freaking about about the immunity idol. Her religion (which she says out loud and nobody has any idea what it is) follows the Ten Commandments (yeah unlike so many other religions) and the immunity idol is a false God to her. A false God? The thing is Calvin Schiraldi for chrissakes.

Joanna is convinced that the Calvin idol brought the rain. She says, “It’s bad luck. When you lose it goes away.” I think Joanna may be worshipping a crack pipe.

The next morning Jeanne was filling Christy in on all of the gossip from the night before. Christy’s deafness means that once it gets too dark in the Amazon at night to see well, she can’t read anybody’s lips and can’t hear what they’re saying. Jeanne was explaining that Joanna doesn’t like the Calvin idol. Christy apparently said, “That’s stupid.” Joanna heard her and we had every Jerry Springer show, ever.

Joanna started screaming at Christy and telling her to mind her own business and, “If you keep talking smack, I’ll give you the hand.” And he held her hand up in Christy’s face. This no doubt is one of the most annoying things you can do, but especially to a deaf person, I think it’d be even more infuriating. You’re basically calling her out and trying to intimidate her and by sticking your hand in her face you’re now blocking her last line of communication.

Christy says to Joanna, “I would think if you are a vessel of Christ, you’d be a little nicer.” Good one!

Christy leaned in and started yelling right at Joanna. Joanna said, “Leave me alone and get out of my face!”

Joanna’s annoying, in a can’t-take-your-eyes-off-the-car-accident sort of way.

After a short commercial break, the ladies camp is again sent into a tizzy when they find a granola bar in their big box of crap. Jeanne freaks out and starts accusing old, crusty, maggot eating Janet. Honestly, the uproar over this granola bar is unbelievable. Why not cut the thing up and eat it? What are they going to do, kick EVERYBODY off the show? So what do they do? They throw the granola bar into the fire.

Heidi says, “We had to get rid of it because it wouldn’t be fair to the men.”

What? You daft idiot! The mean are sitting around in luxury. Their camp looks like a Pier One store! Eat the granola bar! Meanwhile Janet sits alone wondering if there any more maggots to eat.

But here’s the deal. It appeared that all they had was a granola bar wrapper. So Heidi’s burning of what was left of the granola bar didn’t mean much, except that she was destroying evidence. Did Heidi used to work at Enron? Hmm.

The immunity challenge was the most boring one ever. Some CBS set designers assembled a traditional Amazonian (huh?) living quarters for them to observe. Each team would have two minutes to observe it and then Jeff “Anal” Probst would give them a test. Time to watch Ryan, Charlie and Trista on ABC again…

Vagina Monologues sat out Shawna. Apparently they need the keen observational eyes of halfwits like Deena and Joanna instead.

I can’t even describe this in a way that would make it interesting. The men won the test and got to take Calvin home with them.

Now the only question is, who goes home for the women? Granola smuggling, maggot eating Janet or hella-annoying Joanna?

Christy throws her name in the ring with an incredibly absurd exhibition on the day of Tribal Council.

She tells the camera, “I think my tribe is the laziest tribe ever. Maybe the laziest group of people ever. It pisses me off.”

She wants to finish the damn shelter. So she goes out and cuts down one tree branch, brings it back and yells at everybody for not helping her set it up. Deena’s mad because she was “resting” and it’s “not worth my time.” Deena, you’ll remember is the one who was so excited about the chance to watch the other women urinate.

That would be worth her time, apparently. Building a roof is not.

Deena goes out, cuts some palms, comes back throws them at Christy and says, “Build away.”

Christy says, “I don’t want to anymore. I want to go fishing.”

Psycho alert!

Deena tells the camera that if Christy gets voted off it’s not because of her handicap. No, it’s because Christy’s nuts.

Janet decides to take the time to tell everybody that she didn’t smuggle a granola bar into camp. She says she knows she might get voted out, but if she does it would be “stupid” if it was because of that. No, I think they should vote her out for being filthy (they showed her hands and ….ugh) and for eating maggots.

They trek to Tribal Council where Anal decides to find out why they don’t have a shelter built yet. Joanna says, “We can’t build a shelter because we need water and fire. We got no water and we’ll die.” How many freaking people does it take to boil some water? They’re doing their laundry every day again. Have they ever seen this show?

Anal pushes Christy’s buttons and gets her to say, “I’m being excluded because of my handicap.”

Jenna says, “We don’t exclude. We’re women in the jungle with no food or water.”

This whole thing turns into the angry divorced women’s group scenes from Jerry Maguire.

It’s time to vote and it’s clear that the women are just voting on their own for who they hate the most. I predict that the next time they lose, every single one of them get one vote. Morons.

Joanna spells her vote Krystie.

Heidi talks to the camera but I can’t hear her. All I can see is that mouth. Yikes. She’s a bass. I have no idea what Jake sees in this woman.

When the votes are counted we get one for Jenna, four for Janet, one for Christy (or Krystie) and I for Jeanne. One is not revealed because Anal didn’t want to. Or need to.

Janet’s speech is about how it was “so much harder than she though” blah, blah, blah. And she has a good line about “if you’re going through a midlife crisis, don’t do this–get a new hair style.”

Next week we get to see a mixer between the two tribes (Rob’s love for Heidi will be outed) and we get naked Jenna!

Night two of I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here proves that it’s not a bad show, but that it’s just not that great either. It was fun to see Stuttering John (easily the most likable of the celebs) swearing at the bugs during his challenge. It was also cool to see Alana Stewart and Julie Brown yell at each other. But unless they’re going to show us an hour’s worth of Nikki Ziering falling out of that bikini, I just don’t see the draw of this show for 15 nights. And please, no more shirtless Robin Leach. Make it stop!

And, one last thing. Shouldn’t former Mr. J-Lo and supposed dancer Chris Judd be in shape? He’s not even close.

Oh, one more last thing (really). It was cool to see pretty boy Bruce Jenner with a leech on him. Not Robin…

Brian Cook has proven it all year. What else does he have to do? Leading the Illini to New Orleans would be nice.

The trading deadline came and went for the Bulls. Thank goodness, who’d want to monkey with this finely tuned machine?

Groucho says that the Bulls will turn their gaze towards Shane Battier now.

Jerry Angelo is obsessed with defensive linemen. Get over it, Jerry.

Jerry wants to dump Big Cat, but the coaches want to keep him. At $1.9 million, I’m with Jerry on this one.

Rick Morrissey sees positive signs at Cubs camp. Hey, it’s early.

Hee Seop Choi is already the Sammy Sosa of Korea. But then, it’s kind of small sample size of Korean position players in the big leagues. One.

Dusty might want to monopolize Sammy’s boombox himself.

John Jackson on HBO’s new documentary on John McKay. Let’s just hope they get McKay some teeth that fit for that show.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to compare Kobe to MJ. Gee, how original!

Dusty wants to bat Alex Gonzalez second. Why?

Ron Santo doesn’t care that his hopes are dangerously high. Personally, I think he’s safe this time. But, you never know.

The Wizard of Roz on what the Bears are going to do at number four.

Let’s get this straight (no pun intended). Sandy Koufax won’t associate with the Dodgers because the company that owns them, owns a newspaper that reported that Sandy’s gay?

Here’s the best part of that article.

The Los Angeles Times reported Friday that Koufax told the Dodgers he would no longer attend spring training at Dodgertown in Florida, visit Dodger Stadium or participate in any activities while they are owned by News Corp. because of a report in the New York Post that intimated that he’s homosexual.

The Post said a “Hall of Fame baseball hero” had “cooperated with a best-selling biography only because the author promised to keep it secret that he is gay. The author kept her word, but big mouths at the publishing house can’t keep from flapping.”

They’re not really intimating it are they? They said, “promised to keep it a secret that he is gay.” They’re calling him gay. No intimation, there.

The LA Times with a much better version of the story.

David Aldridge likes the Gary Payton trade for the Bucks.

Groucho’s not so sure.

Tim the unpronounceable one says that it sucks to be an Oriole right now.

Jayson Stark compares Lou Piniella to Jon Gruden.

Sports Illustrated flashes all the way back to last week with this one on Tom Verducci.

Larry King with some interesting stuff? Really?

Frank Deford reports that SI’s Steve Rushin has married Rebecca Lobo. I’m not making this up. It’s big news whenever a WNBA player gets married, though.

EW on last night’s Survivor.

A couple things about this program in the UK that encourages teens to perform oral sex on each other. First of all, where was it when I was a teen? Secondly, given the funky teeth that most Brits have, is this really a good idea? Somebody could get seriously hurt.

Remember Sarah from Joe Millionaire? Of course you do. She’s mad at Fox for portraying her as a bad girl. And Melissa has moved in with her. And she wants to do a cookbook. Huh?

Man, Great White knows how to party, don’t they?

The Onion with a good point-counterpoint on the Iraq situation. Very thought provoking.