Hello again, everybody, it’s your old friend Harry Caray here to talk to you about a really important subject…drinking Budweiser!

Nah, just kidding, it’s your old pal Demps.  How’s it going?  Had you going there didn’t I?  I don’t like to brag, but that Harry Caray impression…is spot…on.  Tim McCarver even told me so.  And nobody is a bigger expert on the subject than Hall of Fame broadcaster Tim McCarver.

So what have you guys been up to lately? Read any good tweets?  Seriously, aren’t sports writers the worst?

Let me clear the air on something that’s really lingering out there and clouding things up.


[Laughs hysterically.]

[Starts to talk, can’t because he’s still laughing too hard.]

[Wipes eyes with a feather boa.]

Oh, god.  I mean, I know everybody out there really values my work as a clubhouse cut up, and I really take that responsibility on with a lot of seriousness.  I’m pretty sure I pooped a little bit, there.

[Laughs hysterically…again.]

OK, sorry guys.  I really do want to talk to you about this whole trade deadline thing.

I really love Cubs fans, and have for eight of the nine seasons I’ve pitched here.  You guys are pretty great.  But some of you have really crossed the line with some negative social media activity the last couple of days.  I’ve been called a “douche” and and a “waffling scumbag” and most hurtful of all a “dunderheaded Dudley Do-Wrong.”  You can make fun of me all you want, but leave my native Canada and its proud history of satirical afternoon cartoon show characters out of it!

And another thing that is not cool are the attacks on my family.  Guys, I never thought it would come to this.  We’ve had some awesome times together, and this is how you show your appreciation? You send nasty tweets directed at my family?

I’ve got a couple here.  These were the worst of the worst.  I hesitate even sharing them with you, but sometimes you have to do something difficult and show just how uncivil and horrible people can be.

I’m going to hide the Twitter handles on these so the horrible people who sent them don’t get any kind of free publicity.

Tweet #1 – “Congrats to the Dempsters for the trade to Atlanta. Great town. Don’t eat too many grits!”

What is wrong with you people?  Are you savages?  Do you know what kind of carbohydrate count a regular plate of grits has?  You’re basically wishing heart disease on my wife and kids.  Evil!

Tweet #2 – ” Gonna be tough to swallow seeing Dempster in a Braves jersey.” 

Not. Cool.  Not cool at all.  I hope you sick bastards get hit by a bus!

In addition to the savagery my family has been subjected to–if they go on Twitter and search for my name–I’ve taken a lot of criticism for stopping a trade.  People need to get all the facts.  So open your brain holes and I’m about to stuff some facts in there.

A. I gave the Cubs a list of teams I was willing to be traded to, so that they could focus in on deals that made sense for both them and me.  I’m all about the team.  I want to help them out.

B. The top two teams on that list were the Dodgers (Hollyweird, baby!) and the Gibsons, British Columbia Baby Seal Whackers.


D. I told the Cubs I was open to the a trade to the Braves, and on Monday rumors of a trade came out that were totally unfounded.  People were reporting crazy stuff like that I turned down a trade and didn’t want to go to Atlanta and that I’d screwed the Cubs because they were sure I would accept that trade but then I didn’t.  Crazy.

E. In truth, I turned down the trade because I don’t want to go to Atlanta.  I want to go to LA.  Seriously, I’m a double threat.  I’m an All-Star pitcher and I have a killer 22 minute stand up set.  You get me out on the left coast and I’ll have a sitcom deal by September.  What’s Atlanta got?  Strip clubs, humidity and college football.  Whoop de damned do.

6. The Dodgers just got Hanley Ramirez.  They are serious about winning.  Magic Johnson owns the Dodgers.  Who owns the Braves?  Tree Rollins?  Probably.  Might be Jon Koncak for all I know.

6a. It’s my right as a big league player to pick where I want to play, and what’s best for my family.  Atlanta’s no place to raise kids.  My wife saw on Lifetime some movie where a babysitter in Atlanta was throwing babies off highway overpasses.  You think I want that to happen to my kids?  Shame on you!

6aa. Why is it so bad that I want to stay with the Cubs?  You guys are Cubs fans.  You would think you would love it if a player said he didn’t want to leave.  I’m having a great year.  It’s like you guys think that I pitched over my head for two months, spent four weeks on the DL and am likely to have a 5.77 ERA the rest of the season, or something, and that maybe the Cubs should get something for me while I have any value at all.  Nah, that can’t be it.

Fact is, I don’t think I want to be traded.  I like what’s happening here with the Cubs.  We’re getting better all the time.  This team is going to be a real contender and fast.  I mean, we could be a playoff team in 2015 and I’ll only be 38.  I’m just entering my prime years.  My sinker’s never been better than this season, and here’s a little secret—I’ve been working on a knuckleball that you throw with your eye socket.  I call it the canuckleball.  It’s unhittable.  You grip it like a conventional knuckleball and start your windup, but the big change is that instead of rearing back and throwing it, you set it on your face and then lunge towards the catcher.  The ball will only go about 20 feet that way, so you have to propel yourself off the mound 40 feet to make it work, but I’m getting the hang of it.  It’s a game changer.  It’ll make RA Dickey look like…1

You guys really want to send the inventor of the canuckleball to Georgia just weeks or years before he perfects it and dominates the league?

So hey, thanks for letting me explain.  I’m sure now you’ll all stop calling me a douchebag on Twitter, and we can get back to being best friends.

But since I have you here…  Like Louis CK and Jim Gaffigan, I’m working on putting a comedy concert of mine on the Internet and selling it for only $5 a download.  Because you are awesome fans, I want to share one of the killer jokes from the set.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Demp out!  #RD46



Here are those annoying footnotes.