The old calendar on the wall says that it’s July 14, and damn, I need to get a new calendar…it’s not 1997 anymore is it?

OK, a consultation with a more up-to-date calendar shows that it is actually February 5, just a mere 13 days from Cubs Spring Training. The Cubs have had a very productive offseason. The White Sox have…well, they uh…OK, they haven’t.

But why is it that all anybody wants to talk about is Greg Maddux?

Just like in 2001 with Fred McGriff and last year with Raffy Palmeiro, we’re in the midst of another Cubbie Hostage Crisis.

If you need me, I’ll be out back bludgeoning myself with a frozen garden hose.

Remember the now infamous story about how when the Boston Red Sox were trying to convince Curt Schilling to agree to the trade that brought him back to town this past Thanksgiving that Curt logged on to the Sons of Sam Horn message board and chatted with the fans? He said he was “blown away” by the passion of the fans and decided he wanted to be a part of it.

That’d be great if Curt hadn’t also admitted he gets “blown away” when McDonald’s has the two Big Macs for $2 special, too.

What would it be like if Greg came to Desipio and started “chatting” with us about coming back to town.

It might go something like this…

Greg Maddux: Hey guys, any Cubs fans out there?

Intrepid reader #1: Hey Greg! How’d you get that scar on your chin? Did Jim Edmonds give you a surprise “Renteria” in the shower at an All-Star game?

Intrepid reader #2: Hey Greg! Is it true you left the Cubs because you couldn’t convince Cindy Sandberg that Maddux was a Spanish name that meant “hung like a donkey?”

Greg Maddux: How excited were you guys about the great playoff run the Cubs made last year?

Intrepid reader #3: Oh, it was great. Especially when Prior kicked your ass in game three. What’s your playoff ERA down to now, about six?

Intrepid reader #4: I enjoyed the playoffs, especially game one when you gave up the granny to Will Clark. And then game five when you imploded on the mound in Candlestick. Oh, wait, that was 15 years ago. Last year they were great, right up until the part where they reached into my chest, pulled out my heart and jumped on it like Roy Horn’s pussy…cat.

Greg Maddux: Do you guys think the Cubs organization is in better shape now than it was when I left in ’92?

Larry Himes: Hey Greg! I just found six dollars in the couch cushions, so now I can offer you an extra $3.50!

Intrepid reader #5: Hey, remember that time in the mid ’90s when you shut out the Cubs on 82 pitches? Yeah, that was awe-some! Wait, no it was impressive, but it sucked. Go cry yourself to sleep on a bed stuffed with $100 bills you jackass.

Cindy Sandberg: Donkey, huh? Oooh.

Intrepid reader #6: Hey Greg! Give me a kiss!

Intrepid reader #7: Hey Mad Dog, if you want to golf during the season, this place is open until 11 p.m. on weekends!

Juan Cruz: No gusta Greg Maddux!

Intrepid reader #8: Hey Greg, what’s your address? I need to mail your wife’s underwear back to her. She always leaves them in the glove compartment.

Greg Maddux : Uhh…I thought you guys were Cubs fans.

Intrepid reader #9: We are, that’s why we’re being nice to you.

Intrepid reader #10: I love you Craig Maddox!

Scott Boras: Hey Greg, glad I found you. I just figured out a way to lie and claim that nine more teams are going to make bids on you! I even planted a story in the St. Louis newspaper that said some of the Cardinals are deferring money so that they can afford you. Oh, it’s a classic! I think Jim Hendry just filled his bed pan again!

Jim Edmonds: If you ever need anybody watch your dog, I’m your man. The dog’s not neutered though, right?

Larry David: Greg, I have to cancel tonight. A dog bit my penis.

Greg Maddux: What is wrong with you people? I thought the fans in Atlanta were weird, but man, this is completely screwed.

Intrepid reader #11: You know us, we’re not real Cubs fans though. The real ones are either 90 years old and riding in on a bus from Iowa clutching a knitting needle in one hand and their colostomy in the other and praying not to hit a big bump, or they’re hot chicks in camisoles standing in the bleachers, talking on their cell phones and facing the wrong way, or they’re 27 year old investment banker flunkies who can’t wear khaki shorts to the game because they’d leave dribble spots on the front of their pants while looking at the hot chicks in the camisoles, or…we’re just incredibly gay men sitting in the bleachers comparing T-cell counts.

Of course we’re the real fans you dumbass! We live and die with the Cubs all summer long, and pardon us if we’re not on our knees begging (or whatever it is you and your “superagent” want us to do while we’re down there) you to come grace us with your calming presence during your golden years. The one thing we do have is starting pitching. You’re a luxury not a necessity. Now get off my sports page!

—

I think that went rather well.

—

During the Super Bowl halftime Nipplefest, one of the intrepid readers wondered what the halftime entertainment was at Super Bowl XX. Thanks to my crack research staff, we’ve got it for you. Oh, Karry.

Hello again, everybody, your old friend Karry Ling here with some facts about the halftime show for Super Bowl XX held at the Louisiana Super Dome on a glorious Sunday in 1986. All of the biggest entertainers on the world were on hand to perform, just like we’re used to from today’s Super Bowl shows.

Katrina and the Waves opened the show with their hit, “Walkin’ on Sunshine” and that was followed by Julian Lennon doing a medley of his 1985 hits “Valonne” and “Too Late for Goodbyes.” Then, the always sexy Pointer Sisters got us boogie-ing with the “Neutron Dance” and then the headline act, Phil Collins blew the roof off the dump with a his huge ’85 hit “Sussudio.”

While I sat and pondered the DeBarge question, “Who’s Holding Donna Now?” we got the news that REO Speedwagon had cancelled and frankly we were never going to know why they “Can’t Fight This Feeling.” While show promoters self-flagellated over turning down a chance to book Chaka Khan, we were thoroughly entertained by the grand finale, in which Wham sang all three of their huge hits, “Carless Whisper,” Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” and of course, “Everything She Wants.”

Of course, the show was not without controversy as Wham! frontman George Michael caused a scandal by pulling up his oversized white “Choose Life” t-shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Frankly, if you ask anybody who’s ever been to the bathroom with George, we got off lucky.

Besides, I could never figure out what the hell the Sports Machine does in the first place.
—

Thanks, Karry. I think.

—

Intrepid reader Steve Rizzo sent this link along, go to the bottom and check out the luminaries who are going to be at Pirates Fest.

“These players are going to help us relocate this franchise to Miami.”
“Some of these guys are furniture movers?”
“Most of these guys are way past their prime.”
“Some of them never had a prime.”
“This guy’s dead.”
“Well, take him off the list, then.”

—–

The Bulls snapped a 26 Western Conference road losing streak with their win over Utah last night. Uh…congratulations?

The Bulls want to re-live the Brent Barry experiment. As long as we don’t end up trading him for Hersey Hawkins, why not?

Joe Girardi is so confident he’ll make the Yankees roster that’s he’s already committed to broadcasting 50 games for them and doing pre and post game stuff on YES. There were times when he was with the Cubs that I wished he was announcing and not playing.

Notre Dame’s recruiting class blows. Whatever. Like anybody has a clue about this stuff anyway.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write the biggest pile of crap he’s written in a while, and that’s saying something. This is just the dumbest thing about Greg Maddux, ever. And that’s saying something after the lame opening to this column.

Greg Couch flogs Gary Barnett and has fun doing it.

What, the Sun-Times has a fiction section now?

Jennifer Jones with an underwhelming look at “Miracle.”

Hey, the “Maurice Clarett: draft bust” timetable has been pushed up!

I don’t think this guy likes John Kerry.

Janet says “Oops!” and ER is putting their boobs back inside the scrubs. I’d watch if they brought Maria Bello or Jorja Fox back and showed a little nip. Sherry Stringfield and Maura Tierney can keeps theirs tucked in.

Our illustrious president says that we need to protect marriage. Yeah, because it’s such a wonderful thing! Where would we be without 3.7 million failed marriages every year? Hey, put the bible away and go make a job or six, Gee Dub.

X-tina likes booze, drugs and watching Lesbians have sex. OK, maybe marriage isn’t so bad. Somebody get Christina on the phone!

Man, you can’t make this up. Jayson Williams shot his dog in the head because he lost a $100 bet to Dwayne Schintzius (yes, the Lobster himself) and then told “Shinbone” that if he didn’t clean up the dog he was going to shoot him next. Somewhere, Jim Edmonds is weeping.

Shinbone?

Justin Timberlake says he’s “shocked” by what happened with Janet’s nipple. Sure. Whatever.

A Dominican baby was born with two heads. The Yankees are waiting to see if she’s a lefty before they offer her $43 million for six years.

America’s finest news source queries men on the street about the Ephedra ban.