I’m not going to get into how ironic it is that people seem to enjoy abbreviating Valentine’s Day. It’s even more troubling when they ask you, “What are you getting her for VD?”

I mean, if penicillin’s not working, I’m stumped.

So today, we take a break from our normal level of pith and we’re happy! It’s time to send out our Valentines!

It’s a time to be positive. It’s a time to pretend we’re a baby with wings, a diaper and a bow and arrow. Huh?

To Jay Mariotti, columnist/media whore
Dear Jay,
Happy Valentine’s Day! I know we’ve had our problems this year, what with you being incredibly talentless and dumb and all, but I wanted to take a moment and list all of things I appreciate about you.

1) Uh…gee…I didn’t think this would be so hard. Oh, I have one. Thanks for taking in oxygen and converting it to carbon dioxide!

Love,
andy

To Kirk Hinrich, Chicago Bulls
Dear Kirk,
First off I want to admit I was wrong when I reacted to your selection in last year’s draft by throwing my computer monitor out of the window. It was rash, it was foolhardy and I’m sorry. You really are an amazing player. It’s amazing that anybody as smart as you are on the court doesn’t have the brains to get a decent haircut. Try this. You can get a bad (but better) haircut for cheap and they’ll even e-mail to remind you you need another one.

Love,
andy

Greg Maddux, umemployed baseball pitcher
Dear Greg,
Make up your freakin’ mind one way or the other. Pronto. I get physically tired just thinking about having to write about this crap another day.

Love,
andy

Veronica Varekova, SI swimsuit cover girl

Dear Veronica,
*Drool*
*Stutter, stammer…*

Love,
andy

Calvin Schiraldi, real estate agent, former Major League pitcher

Dear Calvin,
It’s time for a comeback, damnit!

Preferably to the Cardinals.

Love,
andy

Campbell Brown, my first wife, NBC News White House correspondent
Dear Campbell,
Happy Valentine’s Day honey! You haven’t been smoking again have you? You remember what Dr. Riviera told you about what cigarettes do to your nervous system. Besides, you don’t want to stink up the inside of that new Jetta you just bought.

Miss you. Call me.

Love,
andy

Bill Parcells and Bill Belichick
Hey guys!
Oh, never mind. Don’t want to interrupt.

Mrs. Jim Edmonds
Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl! Yes you are! Yes you are!

Love,
andy

Jennifer Coggiola, CNN
Campbell who? Never heard of her.

Love,
andy

Bob Verdi and Greg Maddux talk golf courses. Finally, we get to something important.

Joey Meyer is enjoying life in the D-league. Well, who wouldn’t? There’s a Rally’s Hamburgers on every corner.

Jerry Reinsdorf wants to get his say back in picking who gets talk shows on WMVP. Wait, does this mean he picked Dan McNeil? Another reason to hate Chairman Reinsdorf.

Junk Yard Dog says nobody knows the Bulls plays. I think the opponents do.

Scottie says he’ll be back after the All-Star break. What if he means the baseball all-star break?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to tell us that many famous athletes will be tainted in the upcoming steroid scandal. Only he doesn’t know who. Better write the column then!

The Wizard of Roz on…what else?

Phil Rogers with more pointless crap. Man, he loves the Rockies.

Drew Henson showed off his arm yesterday. Good thing nobody hit him any grounders.

The Giants finally made an offer to Maddux. It’s less than the Cubs. But they also filled him in that there’s an opening for him in Tower of Power.

Kobe wants out of LA. He might get an extended stay in Colorado, also.

America’s finest news source with the tragic details of a West Point panty raid gone wrong.