I’m not going to get into how ironic it is that people seem to enjoy abbreviating Valentine’s Day. It’s even more troubling when they ask you, “What are you getting her for VD?”
I mean, if penicillin’s not working, I’m stumped.
So today, we take a break from our normal level of pith and we’re happy! It’s time to send out our Valentines!
It’s a time to be positive. It’s a time to pretend we’re a baby with wings, a diaper and a bow and arrow. Huh?
To Jay Mariotti, columnist/media whore
Dear Jay,
Happy Valentine’s Day! I know we’ve had our problems this year, what with you being incredibly talentless and dumb and all, but I wanted to take a moment and list all of things I appreciate about you.
1) Uh…gee…I didn’t think this would be so hard. Oh, I have one. Thanks for taking in oxygen and converting it to carbon dioxide!
Love,
andy
To Kirk Hinrich, Chicago Bulls
Dear Kirk,
First off I want to admit I was wrong when I reacted to your selection in last year’s draft by throwing my computer monitor out of the window. It was rash, it was foolhardy and I’m sorry. You really are an amazing player. It’s amazing that anybody as smart as you are on the court doesn’t have the brains to get a decent haircut. Try this. You can get a bad (but better) haircut for cheap and they’ll even e-mail to remind you you need another one.
Love,
andy
Greg Maddux, umemployed baseball pitcher
Dear Greg,
Make up your freakin’ mind one way or the other. Pronto. I get physically tired just thinking about having to write about this crap another day.
Love,
andy
Veronica Varekova, SI swimsuit cover girl
Dear Veronica,
*Drool*
*Stutter, stammer…*
Love,
andy
Calvin Schiraldi, real estate agent, former Major League pitcher
Dear Calvin,
It’s time for a comeback, damnit!
Preferably to the Cardinals.
Love,
andy
Campbell Brown, my first wife, NBC News White House correspondent
Dear Campbell,
Happy Valentine’s Day honey! You haven’t been smoking again have you? You remember what Dr. Riviera told you about what cigarettes do to your nervous system. Besides, you don’t want to stink up the inside of that new Jetta you just bought.
Miss you. Call me.
Love,
andy
Bill Parcells and Bill Belichick
Hey guys!
Oh, never mind. Don’t want to interrupt.
Mrs. Jim Edmonds
Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl! Yes you are! Yes you are!
Love,
andy
Jennifer Coggiola, CNN
Campbell who? Never heard of her.
Love,
andy
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Bob Verdi and Greg Maddux talk golf courses. Finally, we get to something important.
Joey Meyer is enjoying life in the D-league. Well, who wouldn’t? There’s a Rally’s Hamburgers on every corner.
Jerry Reinsdorf wants to get his say back in picking who gets talk shows on WMVP. Wait, does this mean he picked Dan McNeil? Another reason to hate Chairman Reinsdorf.
Junk Yard Dog says nobody knows the Bulls plays. I think the opponents do.
Scottie says he’ll be back after the All-Star break. What if he means the baseball all-star break?
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to tell us that many famous athletes will be tainted in the upcoming steroid scandal. Only he doesn’t know who. Better write the column then!
The Wizard of Roz on…what else?
Phil Rogers with more pointless crap. Man, he loves the Rockies.
Drew Henson showed off his arm yesterday. Good thing nobody hit him any grounders.
The Giants finally made an offer to Maddux. It’s less than the Cubs. But they also filled him in that there’s an opening for him in Tower of Power.
Kobe wants out of LA. He might get an extended stay in Colorado, also.
America’s finest news source with the tragic details of a West Point panty raid gone wrong.
Don’t worry, I’ll almost definitly announce my decision by Sunday, so that I can report to spring training on time. Although, I think spring training is 2 weeks too long, so maybe I’ll just wait a bit longer. Honestly, can you believe what an arrogant jerk off I am?
Can I just say that this jersey would make a fine gift for any of you ladies out there doing some last minute shopping.
Either the jersey or a BJ. Whatever’s easier.
Or, buy our calendar.
Oh my God. A guy from my hometown plays for the Nuggets. I might have to call him for a favor.
I predict that Maddux will sign with the Cubs over the weekend or Monday. Just a feeling.
Check out today’s USA Today second Sports Section. Some nice photos of Jennie Finch. However, she’s in danger of losing her "hottest female athlete" to Brittany Jackson of the Tennessee womens’ basketball team. (Andy, feel free to research and post a photo if you would).
Dave B. You’re on your own buddy. They won’t give me the time of day.
Actually, Brittany missed the cut.
Brittany’s a honey though.
Luke, I’m not your father!
Don’t forget everyone’s favorite Canadian import…
She’ll do until the restraining order Kate Beckinsale has on me expires….
Those eyes! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Jennie Finch was on Kimmel this week…She’s pretty damn hot, and her fastball looks like an aspirin.
No word on whether she’s related to Kyle the Sperminator…
Bowen will hook me up. His wife is an ex-U of Iowa pom-pon girl and one of her buddies is on the squad. In all seriousness, Bowen is a solid guy, something that is extremely rare in the NBA. He only gets a couple of minutes a game now, but he’s still a team captain.
Wow. Brittany.
Look out everyone!
My Rockies purchased the contract of Pete Rose Jr!
World Series, here we come!
Phil, wanna bet?
My money’s on … Bud Selig’s Brewers, of course.
Pete, how’d you like to buy the Brewers?
You’re not banned from owning a team.
Dammit, does this mean I’m not going to get to see Pete Jr. at the Jackhammers games this year?
Can I jackhammer Pete Rose, Jr.?
Does he have a dog?
A big scandal is brewing in St. Louis this evening, as Albert Pujols’ dog is upset at Jim Edmonds for cheeting on him with Tony LaRussa’s dog. Pujols’ dog told reporters who crushed together next to his doghouse in Suburban St. Louis that Edmonds told him that Edmonds had checked birth certificates and had found out the dog was nine years older than what the dog had originally told him.
Needless to say, Albert’s dog is going through a rough time right now. LaRussa’s dog had no comment, except to say that if the situation got tough he would call on Jeff Fassero if necessary, because then the issue would be over as soon as possible after Fassero entered the situation.
—–
Thinking about what I just wrote, I realized that it just might suck. But, hey, it’s an attempt at humor without posting up a picture.
"Cheeting"??? Yes, I know what I am now. A moran. I’ll make sure I get that picture in to my next article. Or something.
What picture?
I wasn’t gonna say anything…
The Yankees are trading for A-Rod? That sound you hear is everyone in Boston simultaneously having a crying jag.
CT, I think that is what you call Steinbrenner ripping out the beating heart of all Boston Red Sox fans and then jumping all over it with nalls glued to the bottom of his shoes.
I call bullshit on the A-Rod deal.
No way he agrees to be dealt ANYWHERE to be a 3B. No way Texas deals him without getting pitching in return.
It’s a NY sportswriter trying to get his name on the AP wire…
Can we quote you on this, Mr. "Forklift"?
Damn skippy. As a NYer, I have a front-row seat for this crap…
Wait, you’re a NY’er and you go for the Cubs?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You live in New York!
That’s like going for Granada twenty years ago.
I grew up in Uptown. Moved here in 1978, age 16.
Still have a Carmen Fanzone button somewhere.
Everything I’m reading says I’m wrong, and the A-Rod deal is going through. I can’t understand why he’d agree to play 3B, when Jeter has all the range at SS of a parked car…
Oh yeah…since the Cubs spanked both the Mutts and Yankee$ last year, I’ve been making everyone here eat a lot of shit.
However, all the PCs at work had Steve Bartman as wallpaper for a while, too…
Bud, every baseball fan views you as the worst interim commisioner for life ever, even worse than Vincent, but the past will be all forgotten if you just stand up and say no to the A-Rod deal, it’s well within your power and you’ll then be remembered as the man who brought down the Yankees empire. Show the world that you have the stones to do what’s best for baseball even if half of New York will want your head. Do it for baseball.
So, I’m a moran. I still think this defies logic. A-Rod for Soriano is great, but they’ll probably give up Contreras too, and the Yankee$ pitching staff (both starters and relievers) really isn’t all that great.
Plus, why have the best SS in baseball play third, when Jeter is bordering on a defensive liability because of his range…
Alfonso Soriano will be my all-time favorite non-Cub.
Is it wrong to root for a feud between Jeter and A-Rod resulting in the Yankees trading Jeter to someone and then A-Rod wrenching his knee the day after Jason Giambi is banned for testing positive for steroids?
I don’t think Selig can block this trade and not look stupid. Not when he bent over backwards (and broke several MLB rules) to try and facilitate the Rangers/BoSox trade. I’ve got a question though, why is it so horrible for baseball if the Yankees get A-Rod, but so great for the game if Boston got him. The truth is, the Yankees will get A-Rod because they are willing to pay the contract. Note, I did not say able. The Red Sox could have paid A-Rod, but chose to dick around and ultimately lost out on him. So I don’t want to see Ben Affleck on TV crying "poor Red Sox" anymore. The truth is, John Henry can buy and sell A-Rod (or George Steinbrenner for that matter), but chose not too. That’s the Red Sox fault, not the Yankees.
Religion in its humility restores man to his only dignity, the courage to live by grace. by texas holdem