Normally when the Cubs sail their ship up north for the season there’s a hole in the side of it the size of Billy Connors’ jockey shorts. They just kind of list about and then futilely start bailing water before they inevitably sink to the bottom.
This year we’re going to have to do some searching to find a hole of any size.
But we’re Cubs fans.
We’ll come up with something.
Last night the Greg Maddux Hostage Crisis ended the way that all along we knew it would. We didn’t know how long or for how much he’d sign for, but our well placed sources within the Scott Boras Cult Compound revealed that in the end, the thing that slowed the negotiations was Maddux’s desire to grow this mustache back for the upcoming press conference.
Sweet.
And now the Cubs have the problem that every team can envy. They have too many starters. If I’m Matt Clement I’m renting not buying, but that’s just me. For now, the Cubs go to war with five guys who could realistically be counted on for at least 15 wins.
Think about the Cubs coming into the offseason. They had some major needs for a team that won 88 games, snuck into the playoffs and crapped the bed with five outs to go.
They needed solid production out of Hee Seop Choi at first base.
They needed to find somebody to fit in between The Farns, Mike Remlinger and Regular Joe in the bullpen.
They needed to find a taker for the decaying corpse of Damian Miller.
They needed an outfielder on the bench not named Troy O’Leary.
They needed a lefty in the bullpen to replace Mark “Load ‘Em Up” Guthrie.
They needed to figure out if Juan Cruz was going to be their fifth starter.
Choi was traded to Florida for All-Star Derrek Lee.
The best reliever on the market, LaTroy Hawkins missed Gary so much that he came back to play for the Cubs.
Oakland got hot to trot for Miller and Michael Barrett gets the next ride on the carousel at catcher.
Todd Hollandsworth got tired of hiting ropes off of Regular Joe so he’s come to play with him.
Kent Mercker hasn’t had an aneurysm for like three years now, so he’s coming to hang out in the bullpen.
Some hack named Greg Maddux decided to come back to town and see if he couldn’t win a pennant or two, or three with the Cubs.
And that doesn’t even take into account the addition of Todd Walker.
Jim Hendry’s pretty good at this general managing stuff. Isn’t he?
For Maddux he’ll come back to a familiar situation that is thankfully far less screwed up than the one he left in January of 1993. The Cubs still play in that Ivy Covered Burial Ground, the fans still drink too much and show their boobs off in the bleachers (sometimes the women do, too). Sammy! still charges out to the outfield to rev everybody up before the first pitch.
But Larry Himes is off in Arizona scouting tee ball games.
Jim Lefebvre is selling “swing aids” out of the trunk of his car.
Oh, and the Cubs are good.
Maddux will be reuinted with his old Cubs pitching coach (Dick Pole), his personal catcher in 2001 (Paul Bako), his old pal Mike Remlinger, and us, the long tormented fans who live and die with the club every day, and who have been trying to rationalize why they let him go in the first place.
He doesn’t have to be the 1994 version of Greg Maddux, Cy Young God. He just has to give us some innings, get the big outs and cause dread and despair to the Cardinals, Astros and everybody else.
I just hope he doesn’t get too melancholy remembering all of the good old times and wishing that Jeff Pico was back to enjoy it.
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Seabiscuit’s Jockey on the Maddux signing.
Rick Morrissey says it’s only right that Greggie came back.
This just in: he’s pretty good.
Oh, yeah, the Cubs have some other guys who are pretty good, too.
Illinois-Wisconsin tonight. It’s only the biggest game in the Big Ten this year.
The Bulls almost blew a 20 point lead. But almost didn’t happen.
The Bulls are looking to wheel and deal and check out the names! Doleac! Lue! Giricek! Ooh, pinch me!
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to applaud the Tribune Company. Huh? He must be drinking again.
Mike Kiley’s glad it’s all over.
Brendan Harris (he’s a Cub) is going to have some minor knee surgery. It’s only minor if it’s not your knee. And what is with the epidemic of athletes tripping over dogs? It must be in the cliche handbook under “excuses to use when you get drunk and fall down.”
The Wizard of Roz is clinging to the delusion that several teams offered Greggie more money. Give it up, Roz. You’ve been had.
The last sentence is priceless. Clip and save.
“The reason I still pitch,” Maddux said Monday, “is because I want to win another World Series. I can’t think of a better place to do it than Wrigley Field.”
The Dodgers are after Big Frank or Fat Paul. If they trade for Konerko, does he take Julie Swieca off our hands, or is there a pudgy sports radio hostess in LA for him?
The Sausage King is headed back to Pittsburgh, where he’ll await another August call up to the Cubs.
Classic news from America’s finest news source. It was never more true than this week.
Happy Mad Dog Day!! Smile!
Maybe it’s just me, but the best part of Maddux signing with the Cubs was Channel 9 this morning putting on early 90s Maddux highlights, and the barely-audible voice of Harry Caray… ah, and Channel 9 seemed to have a lot of highlights of Maddux handcuffing the early 90s-Mets.
Brought back great memories. For kicks, I looked up Maddux’s debut with the Cubs. He didn’t start the game… Gene Michael (ugh) sent him in to pinch-run for Joday Davis… in the 17th inning of a game against the Astros Sept. 3, 1986 (the game started the day before). A young Jamie Moyer started the game and dueled Nolan Ryan fairly well. And Maddux got the loss, giving up a home run to Billy Hatcher.
Anyway, look at who else played in the game for the Cubs. It’s a virtual who’s-who of the 80s-era Cubs:
Dave Martinez, Brian Dayett, Lee Smith, Ryne Sandberg, Jerry Mumphrey, Bob Dernier, Keith Moreland, Leon Durham, Chico Walker, Frank DiPino, Rick Sutcliffe (pinch-hit), Scott Sanderson (pinch-run), Manny Trillo, Jody Davis, Chris Speier, Guy Hoffman, Gary Matthews, Shawon Dunston, Jamie Moyer, Ron Davis, Thad Bosley, Steve Trout, Dave Gumpert and Ron Cey (and a few guys I can’t remember).
Four days later, he threw a complete game at Riverfront for his first career win.
http://www.retrosheet.org/boxesetc/B09020CHN1986.htm
Anyway, the Cubs will be in much better shape when Maddux makes his second Cubs debut than they were when he made his first Cubs debut. And I’ll say the Astros are maybe in as good shape as they were that day in Sept. 1986.
If you’re not doing anything on April 14, I’ll be making my return to Wrigley Field against the Pirates that day…We’ll get started around 1:20 or whenever I finish up with Dewayne Staats on the Lead-Off Man show (you still do that right?)…I figure I’m good for about 85 pitches or 6 innings, whichever comes first…Bundle up…I remember it gets pretty cold in April…Good practice for October though…Before Tuesday April 14 was listed as one of those "bargain games," but I’m sure that just changed…
Man, Rozner sure looks bad after this whole Maddux thing. This morning on ESPN 1000, the local morning news guy did an "extra point" where he criticized the only journalist in Chicago who printed Boras wild rumors about 5 teams bidding on Maddux. Think he was talking about you Barry?
That’s okay. At least I can always quote unknown Internet comic Alex Kaseberg’s awful and lame brand of humor at the end of my column to fill out space.
Didn’t Maddux, sans ‘stache and chin music, start out something like 8 and 1 in 1988? Then fade as the season went on? Or was that Moyer?
If Illinois-Wisconsin is only the biggest Big Ten game of the year, then how come Desipio hasn’t planned a GameCast for it. I know we are all hungover, or in the process of getting there, because of the Maddux news, but we should still be doing a GameCast. Besides, with all of us being drunk, it might be better than usual. Or something.
Any chance Maddux starts the home opener? If Dusty puts him at #2 (which might not be a bad idea to break up The Franchise and Wood), he’d be right on schedule.
Last time I faced Pittsburgh at Wrigley Field, things turned out pretty good so I’ll go ahead and take Opening Day, if that’s all right…
At the All Star Break: 15-3
After: 3-5. Ouch.
To: Edgar
Please come to San Francisco for the Springtime.
Brian is right. Why ISN’T there a gamecast for the game tonight? This is ridiculous. Please cancel my subscription.
Johnny, um, we don’t have subscriptions.
Realizing that Desipio GameCasts are 0-4 in the last four games of relevance they’ve done (Games 5, 6, and 7 of the NLCS and the UNC/Illinois game), maybe I shouldn’t be asking for a GameCast.
Hey, what we’re not relevant?
In passing from history to nature, myth acts economically: it abolishes the complexity of human acts, it gives them the simplicity of essences, it does away with all dialectics, with any going back beyond what is immediately visible, it organizes a world which is without contradictions because it is without depth, a world wide open and wallowing in the evident, it establishes a blissful clarity: things appear to mean something by themselves. by texas holdem