Normally when the Cubs sail their ship up north for the season there’s a hole in the side of it the size of Billy Connors’ jockey shorts. They just kind of list about and then futilely start bailing water before they inevitably sink to the bottom.

This year we’re going to have to do some searching to find a hole of any size.

But we’re Cubs fans.

We’ll come up with something.

Last night the Greg Maddux Hostage Crisis ended the way that all along we knew it would. We didn’t know how long or for how much he’d sign for, but our well placed sources within the Scott Boras Cult Compound revealed that in the end, the thing that slowed the negotiations was Maddux’s desire to grow this mustache back for the upcoming press conference.


Sweet.

And now the Cubs have the problem that every team can envy. They have too many starters. If I’m Matt Clement I’m renting not buying, but that’s just me. For now, the Cubs go to war with five guys who could realistically be counted on for at least 15 wins.

Think about the Cubs coming into the offseason. They had some major needs for a team that won 88 games, snuck into the playoffs and crapped the bed with five outs to go.

They needed solid production out of Hee Seop Choi at first base.
They needed to find somebody to fit in between The Farns, Mike Remlinger and Regular Joe in the bullpen.
They needed to find a taker for the decaying corpse of Damian Miller.
They needed an outfielder on the bench not named Troy O’Leary.
They needed a lefty in the bullpen to replace Mark “Load ‘Em Up” Guthrie.
They needed to figure out if Juan Cruz was going to be their fifth starter.

Choi was traded to Florida for All-Star Derrek Lee.
The best reliever on the market, LaTroy Hawkins missed Gary so much that he came back to play for the Cubs.
Oakland got hot to trot for Miller and Michael Barrett gets the next ride on the carousel at catcher.
Todd Hollandsworth got tired of hiting ropes off of Regular Joe so he’s come to play with him.
Kent Mercker hasn’t had an aneurysm for like three years now, so he’s coming to hang out in the bullpen.
Some hack named Greg Maddux decided to come back to town and see if he couldn’t win a pennant or two, or three with the Cubs.
And that doesn’t even take into account the addition of Todd Walker.

Jim Hendry’s pretty good at this general managing stuff. Isn’t he?

For Maddux he’ll come back to a familiar situation that is thankfully far less screwed up than the one he left in January of 1993. The Cubs still play in that Ivy Covered Burial Ground, the fans still drink too much and show their boobs off in the bleachers (sometimes the women do, too). Sammy! still charges out to the outfield to rev everybody up before the first pitch.

But Larry Himes is off in Arizona scouting tee ball games.
Jim Lefebvre is selling “swing aids” out of the trunk of his car.
Oh, and the Cubs are good.

Maddux will be reuinted with his old Cubs pitching coach (Dick Pole), his personal catcher in 2001 (Paul Bako), his old pal Mike Remlinger, and us, the long tormented fans who live and die with the club every day, and who have been trying to rationalize why they let him go in the first place.

He doesn’t have to be the 1994 version of Greg Maddux, Cy Young God. He just has to give us some innings, get the big outs and cause dread and despair to the Cardinals, Astros and everybody else.

I just hope he doesn’t get too melancholy remembering all of the good old times and wishing that Jeff Pico was back to enjoy it.

Seabiscuit’s Jockey on the Maddux signing.

Rick Morrissey says it’s only right that Greggie came back.

This just in: he’s pretty good.

Oh, yeah, the Cubs have some other guys who are pretty good, too.

Illinois-Wisconsin tonight. It’s only the biggest game in the Big Ten this year.

The Bulls almost blew a 20 point lead. But almost didn’t happen.

The Bulls are looking to wheel and deal and check out the names! Doleac! Lue! Giricek! Ooh, pinch me!

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to applaud the Tribune Company. Huh? He must be drinking again.

Mike Kiley’s glad it’s all over.

Brendan Harris (he’s a Cub) is going to have some minor knee surgery. It’s only minor if it’s not your knee. And what is with the epidemic of athletes tripping over dogs? It must be in the cliche handbook under “excuses to use when you get drunk and fall down.”

The Wizard of Roz is clinging to the delusion that several teams offered Greggie more money. Give it up, Roz. You’ve been had.

The last sentence is priceless. Clip and save.
“The reason I still pitch,” Maddux said Monday, “is because I want to win another World Series. I can’t think of a better place to do it than Wrigley Field.”

The Dodgers are after Big Frank or Fat Paul. If they trade for Konerko, does he take Julie Swieca off our hands, or is there a pudgy sports radio hostess in LA for him?

The Sausage King is headed back to Pittsburgh, where he’ll await another August call up to the Cubs.

Classic news from America’s finest news source. It was never more true than this week.