There are times when sports radio comes in handy. Like for instance when you are depressed and think you’re the dumbest person in the world. You just fire up WSCR-AM or ESPN Radio 1000 and within five minutes you have the safe feeling that no, indeed, there are plenty of morons in the world who are so dumb it’s a wonder they can remember to have their heart beat for them.
The joy of the opening of spring training has been replaced by the dopes on Chicago’s two all-sports stations playing “guess who was on steroids” 24-7.
According to them, anybody who ever got strong, or ever lost weight is on steroids.
This works for them because a) they’ve never lifted a weight and b) they’re not in any danger of ever losing any weight.
Within five minutes yesterday Mike Murphy accused the following people of using steroids:
Barry Bonds
Sammy Sosa
Ken Caminiti
Jason Giambi
Kerry Wood
Brady Anderson
Mark McGwire
Tim Teufel
Spike Owen
Buddy Biancalana
OK, maybe not the last three, but still. You get the point.
The “proof” that Murph and rest of the nitwits have is that players are muscular now, and that some of the guys have lost weight the last couple of seasons. Supposedly once testing began last year guys like Barry and Sammy shrunk.
Fred Huebner said he knows that Mark McGwire was on steroids because once he quit playing he lost a ton of weight. Hey Fred, did you ever think maybe the big boy just stopped lifting weights for four hours a day and eating 4,000 calories a meal? You might want to try the last part of that.
There are two problems with them pounding on this argument over and over and again. 1) They have no proof. Why one of the players couldn’t just sue them, I have no idea. 2) We don’t care.
If we’ve learned one thing over the years it’s that the American sporting public could care less of somebody’s on steroids. I’m not saying that should make it legal, I’m just saying we don’t care. The thing that is most irritating about all the steroid talk on TV and radio right now is that guys like Skip Bayless and Rick Reilly and Mike Murphy and Doughnut Mariotti want us to be mad, and they’re mad that we’re not mad.
There are lot of things in this world that I care about, and this is not one of them. Now, if you’d all just stop yelling, I’d like to enjoy some baseball.
Thank you.
—
Two things surprised me about the Illini’s trip to Iowa City last night. First off, Iowa had threatened to wear their yellow (gold? they’re yellow, get over it) jerseys so that Illinois could not wear their ugly pumpkin orange ones. While the world knows what a colossal prick Steve Alford is, he had the Hawkeyes wear their home whites.
Secondly, Illinois just HAMMERED Iowa. It was a sight to see. Illinois has now run off seven straight wins in the Big Ten and with road contests at Purdue and Ohio State and this weekend’s home tilt with Northwestern, the Illini could very well be looking at a third Big Ten title in four years. If you didn’t see that coming, either, raise your hand. Mine’s in the air.
There was a time, probably the last three minutes of the first half and the first ten minutes of the second half when it looked like Iowa was the Illini JV team. Illinois is just bigger, faster and all-around better. Dee Brown drove the length of the court and passed two Iowa “defenders” who had already dropped to the free throw line to try and stop him. Deron Williams had to choose who to alley oop it to on a fast break because he and Dee and James Augustine had all beaten the entire Iowa team down the floor.
The sequence that summed the game up best was in the second half. Luther Head took a wide open three pointer that hit the rim twice, bounced straight up and went in. Iowa forward Glen Worley leaked out and was alone down the court for a dunk. Not only did he miss the dunk, but then he fell down and fouled Deron Williams.
Good times were had by all.
My two favorite babbled comments from Doug Altenberger were:
“Everybody here knows how aggressive Pierre Pierce is around the hole.”
I think there’s a co-ed who experienced just that aggression.
“Iowa was just completely undermatched.”
Under-matched? Huh? I have no idea.
—
There was no Dose yesterday because I was busy jacking around with the new Google Ads that appear on every page. If you think we’ve sold out…well, you bet your ass we have. There are more readers here now than ever before, and obviously, we love that. However, it also means our traffic is way up, which means we have to pay more for all of that traffic. We don’t mind. But if you could do us a favor, click on a couple of those ads every day. You don’t have to actually buy anything, just click on the ads and see where they take you. Is that so much to ask? I didn’t think so.
—
Enough business. Sammy Sosa spent Tuesday doing what Sammy does best. Being interviewed by reporters and answering questions without really answering them. Sammy is the master at this. Here’s a guy who knows English better than 85% of us who have been speaking it our whole lives, and yet, when he needs to, Sammy just pretends like he doesn’t understand the question and answers a different one. One that wasn’t even asked.
For example:
Fat, sloppy, sportswriter: Sammy, have you ever used steroids?
Sammy: This is not my team, this is Dusty Baker’s team, buddy!
Fat, sloppy, sportswriter: But have you ever used steroids? Come on, it looks like you have! Admit it, you have!
Sammy: We have a beautiful team. We are going to bring a lot more championships to Chicago.
Fat, sloppy, sportswriter: Why won’t you just admit it! I have no proof, but I want you to admit it anyway!
Sammy: Have you heard the new Mariah Carey CD? It’s pretty good, buddy. You should listen to it, buddy. I’ll get you a copy, buddy.
I’ll tell you my pet peeve. It’s when a radio guy doesn’t ask a question, but expects the player to answer him. Something like, “Boy, you guys sure played lousy yesterday.”
If I was a player I’d just sit there and wait for him to actually come up with a question. But then, I’m a jerk.
—
Marlen Garcia (???) on Illinois’ romp over Iowa.
Kent Mercker’s head hasn’t exploded in like…years.
–I’m going to pretend the stupid Harry Caray’s destruction of the Bartman ball isn’t happening.—
Paul Konerko is bitching that he didn’t get enough at bats last season. Looks like he got too many.
Rick Morrissey says Ozzie Guillen gives the Sox something. Yeah, something annoying.
Phil Rogers says Pudge Rodriguez can’t wait to start kissing the Tigers’ pitchers.
Greg Couch with a good one on Bruce Weber.
Larry Rothschild is very pleased with his pitchers. Aren’t we all?
You’re going to have Kerry Wood to kick around for quite a while. And Dusty might bat Corey Patterson second. I’d like to see this lineup, myself:
2b Walker/Gruddy
ss Gonzalez
cf Corey
rf Sammy
1b Derrek Lee
3b Aramis
lf Moises
c Barrett
If you bat Alex second, you can force him to hit the ball behind the runner (like he did in the playoffs last year) and he doesn’t strike out as much. If you hit him seventh he just swings from the heels and turns into a K machine. Unless of course, he really did change his hitting approach in the playoffs and it’s going to stick. Excuse me while I laugh at that.
And I don’t see any way that Dusty hits Moises seventh. But he should.
Gee, guess what Mariotti put down the doughnut to write about today?
Lindsey Willhite on Illini shutting up up the Carver faithful last night.
Dan Patrick asked Len Pasquarelli last night if Jamal Lewis might get suspended. Uh, Dan, he’s more likely to be doing prison time. First things first. He’s got to be free to be suspended.
Huh?
Is this what it’s come to? Turk Wendell is a steroid expert?
Rosie O’Donnell might find it harder than she thinks to get married in San Francisco. They are still only allowed to marry two people, not three. Wait, there’s only ONE Rosie? Yikes. I thought she was twins. Mix in a salad once and a while, Rosie.
Charlize Theron’s boyfriend liked her when she was chubby. Hey, Rosie, it’s not too late!
America’s finest news source asks some men on the street what they think about the Colorado football fiasco.
Priceless quote from Mariotti: "I can’t remember the last time I covered an actual game"
Neither can anyone else.
I agree about the steroid speculation. Can you imagine the backlash if these radio goofs were speculating that Player A dropped a fly ball because he was drunk? Or that Player B overran a ball because he was too hopped up on crack? Until there’s proof that a ceratin person took steroids, it is irresponsible, unethical, and illegal to speculate in the media that someone is using illegal substances.
By the way, I was at the Illinois-Iowa game last night, and the Illini fans who were able to find their way to Iowa City were some of the most obnoxious, profane, and drunk people I’ve been around since I went to the old Comiskey. It was embarrassing. But then again, so was the Iowa performance. I predicted a win just two days ago based on some steady recent play by the Hawkeyes and the turd the Illini laid at Penn State, but I didn’t see that coming.
"Obnoxious, profane, and drunk…"
Yep, that sounds like some of the people I see on the UI campus every day. Or, at least, the last part is definitely true.
I have noticed the following signs of steriod abuse among various members of the Chicago media:
Fred Huebner-massive weight gain
Mike Murphy-shriveled testicles have reverted voice to prepubescent state.
Jay Mariotti-Head the size of a Volkswagon
Dan McNeil-violent mood swings
Rick Telander-insanity
Honesty compels me to say that it would be a real dang shame if something goes wrong tonight during the ball-blowing-up ceremony and the box holding the ball explodes and sends shrapnel down my throat.
Tim Teufel was on steroids and still couldn’t beat me out for the full-time starting job at second base for the Mets.
I hope the Twins beat a lot of people this year so I can get a managerial job.
Wally, you little redneck, I’ll be praying for you since I quit the Yankees.
I’ll be praying for you too, Wally.
Wally, when I make sweet love to my wife, LPGA Hall of Famer Nancy Lopez, I will be thinking of you.
Wally, I’ll be thinking of you too.
What about me?
I think that the fact that 5% of major leaguers tested positive for steroids is giving people the hook to make exagerrated claims. When you combine this with the stories of minor leaguers being busted by the olympic testing and the Wash Post articles about using animal steroids(I think it was Horse Steroids)by players in Dominican Republic; it starts to smell. Then when you add BALCO to this mess, it just is too juicy for radio hosts to not fill up airtime with. My problem is with the print media who are making wild accusations when I hold them to a higher standard of journalism.
I don’t have any problem with anybody covering the steroid story, but how about they get some facts first.
Instead we get Jon Heyman asking Gary Sheffield to whip it out in front of him, and Skip Bayless yelling so loud about Barry Bonds that he nearly started crying.
I get tired just thinking about these bozos.
Really? Caminiti took steriods? It’s not like he admitted it in a Sports Illustrated article Murph.
Skip Bayless should be locked in a room with Gary Barnett. He’s worse than nearly all of the current Tribune hacks.
Be the first to see the footage of the annual Cactus league meeting of Barroid and SamMe:
Nah, I don’t see any sagging skin on their faces
I can’t get through for tickets!
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