In Tuesday’s Tribune, Seabiscuit’s Jockey, the diminuitive Paul Sullivan penned a column in which he gave his personal highs and lows in the history of sports movies.
He didn’t do a terrible job. But then again, it wasn’t that great, either.
Today, Desipio sets the record straight.
Best movie: The Jockey’s pick:The Bad News Bears
It’s hard to argue with one of my all-time favorite movies. I absolutely love the Bears, from the chain smoking Kelly Leak, to the spit-ball throwing Amanda Wurlitzer, to the Ron Hunt-esque Rudy Stein, to Tanner, Timmy Lupus, the Aguilar twins, big fat Englebert and Ahmad. But I’m going to, because it’s a great movie, and one you can watch again, and again, but the true test of a baseball movie is how often you can repeat lines from it during an actual game, and not annoy everyone around you. That movie is, and will always be, Major League.
I don’t mean the obvious stuff like , “Juuuuuuuuuust a bit outside,” or
“There are a lot of parks that ball wouldn’t have been out of.”
“Name one.”
“Yellowstone.”
or “I didn’t know we still had a team?”
“Yeah, it’s really great we’ve got uniforms and everything.”
But stuff like, “In case you haven’t noticed–and judging by the attendance you haven’t…” or
“Don’t baseball players make a lot of money?”
“That depends on how good you are.”
“How good are you?”
“I make the league minimum.”
You can’t go wrong with either pick. But I’m sticking with Willie Mays Hayes and Rick Vaughn and Pedro Cerrano and Roger Dorn and Eddie Harris and Jake Taylor and of course, Lou Brown.
Worst movie: The Jockey’s pick: Field of Dreams
That’s just ignorant. Field of Dreams is a great movie. I don’t know about the guys who claim they cry at the end, but it’s still a great movie. It makes Kevin Costner likeable. How hard is that? Pretty hard.
Our pick is, of course, the horrendous “Rookie of the Year” starring, among others Gary Busey. Gary Busey? Oh, somebody just kill me dead.
Best actor: The Jockey’s pick: Walter Matthau, Bad News Bears
I’m going to agree with him here. Just try and imagine anybody else as Buttermaker. You can’t do it. My runner up is Robert Redford in The Natural. Basically, that movie was just about Roy Hobbs, and Redford managed to act well enough, and look like enough of an athlete that he pulled it off.
Worst actor: The Jockey’s pick: Kevin Costner, For the Love of the Game
I’ll admit, I hated For the Love of the Game. But Costner’s not the worst ever, by a long shot. In fact, he wasn’t even the worst actor in that movie. That award goes to Kelly Preston who was cast just to shut up and be hot, and only got it half right. Our pick for worst major actor in a baseball movie is Robert DeNiro in “Bang the Drum Slowly.” Lots of crying, and he threw like a girl. Yikes.
Best supporting actor: The Jockey’s pick: John Cusack, Eight Men Out
Another solid choice. I actually thought DB Sweeney had the tougher part, and really Cusack played Buck Weaver just like he played the kid from “Better Off Dead,” so he doesn’t get the nod. It’s too hard to pick from Dennis Haysbert (Cerrano) and Chelcie Ross (Harris) from Major League, or the manager from “Bull Durham” or Englebert, so I’m going with the big, ass dog from “The Sandlot.”
Worst supporting actor: The Jockey’s pick: Corbin Bernsen, Major League
What? Are you kidding me? Bernsen was “brilliant” as Roger Dorn. He should have gotten an Oscar for that performance. When you re-watch the movie again, watch some of the tremendous stuff he does. Watch the way he fans his butt with the newspaper when he gets up during Harris’ pre-game prayer and says, “If you need me, I’ll be in my office.” That’s just unbelievably good acting, there.
No, it’s not Corbin. The worst supporting actor ever goes to Robert Wuhl for “Cobb.” Wuhl was coming off his very funny (and–key word here–limited) role in “Bull Durham” and he played Al Stump, the biography writer for Cobb. I wanted to kill myself about nine minutes into this movie. It should have been Hollywood’s clue that Arli$$ was coming.
Best cameo: The Jockey’s pick: Babe Ruth, Pride of the Yankees
Screw that. The best cameo ever was Pete Vuckovich as Clew Haywood in “Major League.” Could any other Cy Young winner pull off playing the most feared slugging first baseman in the American League? I’d like to see Roy Halladay try that sometime. Honestly, the Farrelly Brothers should have let Vukovich play Skidmark in “Kingpin” instead of Roger Clemens. And, by the way, former Dodger catcher Steve Yeager plays “The Duke” the closer for the Yankees in “Major League.” Also. And don’t buy the rumor that Walt Weiss plays “Rexman.” It’s not true.
Worst cameo: The Jockey’s pick: Bob Costas, The Scout
Wait, a minute. Are we saying that Costas doing lame play-by-play is worse than his “You’re excited! Feel these nipples!” line from Baseketball? I didn’t think so.
No, the worst cameo ever in a baseball movie has to be Leon Durham’s work in “Little Big League.” Maybe he was still coked up?
Best announcer: The Jockey’s pick: Bob Uecker, Major League
This the only right answer. Harry Doyle will live forever.
Worst announcer: The Jockey’s pick: Bob Costas, The Scout
Keep beating that dead horse, Jockey. Far worse than Costas was Tim McCarver’s work in “Mr. Baseball.” Though Tim, and Curt Gowdy and Jim Palmer and Dick Vitale…were all good in “The Naked Gun.”
Best manager: The Jockey’s pick: Walter Matthau, The Bad News Bears
Sorry, I think Lou Brown did more with less than Matthau. The Bears won a game because of a forfeit when some of the White Sox went to band camp, and he had to bring in ringers in Leak and Amanda to get into the championship. Lou Brown left Tire World to manage the Indians and without any in-season acquisitions won the AL East in a one-game playoff over the Yankees. And, after starting out 60-61, the Indians went 34-7 to finish the year. That’s gettin’ it done.
Worst manager: The Jockey’s pick: Danny Glover, Angels in the Outfield
I never saw that movie, so I’ll go with the guy who has to hands down be the worst manager in movie history, whoever the guy was who played the Reds’ manager in Eight Men Out. The Sox were being paid to throw the series and the Reds needed eight games to win the five of nine series. Sheesh.
Best pitcher: The Jockey’s pick: Charlie Sheen, Major League
Granted, Sheen looked like he knew what he was doing out on the mound, which is nice. But I was pretty impressed with how natural Dennis Quaid looked in “The Rookie.”
Worst pitcher: The Jockey’s pick: Brendan Fraser, The Scout
True enough, Fraser was a mess, but the worst ever is Tim Robbins in “Bull Durham” who looks like he’s throwing 40 miles an hour. Just pathetic. Freddie Prinz, Jr. gave him a run for his money in “Summer Catch” though.
Best sportswriter: The Jockey’s pick: John Sayles, Eight Men Out
I think the Jockey just dropped Sayles’ name to prove he knew John was in the movie. In fact, Studs Terkel did a better job as the ‘other’ sportswriter in that film. The best is Robert Duvall as Max Mercy in The Natural. No need to argue this.
Worst sportswriter: The Jockey’s pick: Walter Brennan, The Pride of the Yankees
Huh? Who cares who the worst sportswriter was? I’m giving this award to John C. McGinley (who is great in Scrubs) who played the weird area scout at the end of Summer Catch. Yikes.
Best player portrayal: The Jockey’s pick: Tommy Lee Jones, Cobb
OK, I assume for this you have to play a real player. So I’ll go with NYPD Blue vet Gordon Clapp who played Sox catcher Ray Schalk in Eight Men Out. If for no other reason than Clapp did a great job actually catching with that 1919 era catcher’s pillow…er, mitt.
Worst player portrayal: The Jockey’s pick: Anthony Perkins, Fear Strikes Out
Perkins is terrible as Jimmy Piersall. I’ll go with the Jockey here.
Best screwball: The Jockey’s pick: Tim Robbins, Bull Durham
Robbins is certainly entertaining as Nuke Laloosh, so it’s not a bad pick. But my favorite screwball is still Rick Vaughn. So Charlie Sheen gets this one.
Worst screwball: The Jockey’s pick: Anthony Perkins, Fear Strikes Out
Well, he was playing a schizo, so this shouldn’t count. I think the worst one has to be whoever the hell Bill Simmons doppleganger Daniel Stern was playing in “Rookie of the Year.” Just creepy.
So there you have it. You may now feel free to chime in with your own.
I have to agree on "Rookie of the Year" pick as the worst movie. The storyline is so impossible (I don’t care how good the kid is, if the character played by Busey is the best starting pitcher the Cubs have on that "team", there’s no way they finish with more than 65 or 70 wins), and then the movie makers had the nerve to not even show the World Series (Although, with the lack of character development of almost all the other players it would be kind of hard). Although, I do have to give the movie makers props making the pennant-deciding series against the Mets, could you imagine what playing THAT TEAM would be like in an NLCS involving the Cubs? But that’s the only props I’m giving the movie makers on this dud of a movie.
Go back and watch Rookie of the Year–the part where he has to go to the basement to do the laundry becuase he didn’t play or something. He throws a sock ball into the dryer and says, "what’s this? They’re bringing in the right fielder to pitch?" and says something like "Rowengartner takes a long look at the runner at second. Bases loaded. 2 outs. Full count. (the pitch) STRIKE ONE!" Full count and strike one, eh? This is what you get when the robber who wasn’t Joe Pesci directed the movie. Worst of all time is an understatement.
The worst annoucner is Dr. Joyce Brothers from "Naked Gun," she didn’t add a thing.
You cannot get me to believe that "Rexman" wasn’t Walt Weiss. Not happening.
I had to watch "Rookie of the Year" IN THE THEATRE while babysitting my younger brother. I laughed out loud " " this many times.
Worst announcer, we hafta go back to Rookie of the Year, and oh crap, JOHN CANDY is the announcer.
Last game of the year against the Mutts, and Candy is up in the booth bellowing that with one more win, the Cubs are going to the WOOOOORLD SEEEERIEEEES!
Uh, John, Eh? You hoser, they have to get through the playoffs first, Eh?
Wy wife was never even at the Capri Lounge, and she never let a guy dance with her panties on his head, Taylor! Right?
Right?
Oh, and in the credits at the end of the movie you’ll see that I was played by Roger Unice.
You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who do you think you’re talking to?
Best Baseball Movie Ever – Bull Durham. The Crash Davis speech "I believe in the soul…" is classic.
Best Manager – Gotta give it to Wilford Brimley as Pops in the Natural.
Worst Movie – the third Major League movie with Scott Bakula and Ted McGinley. Makes me cringe thinking of it. Oh, and any movie with Tony Danza in it.
While Dr. Joyce Brothers added nothing as an announcer in Naked Gun, she was still a better announcer in that movie than I am in real life.
I think a dishonorable mention for movie announcer should go to Curt Gowdy for playing himself in Summer Catch.
Never saw Major League III but can I assume that Tony Danza played a character named "Tony"?
Major League (1989)
Harry Doyle: The post-game show is brought to you by… [searches through his papers] Aw, I can’t find it. The hell with it!
[Rookie pitcher Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn is about to throw the final pitch for the Indians in the playoff game] Lou Brown: Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.
Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.
Jake Taylor: I’m hung over, my knees are killin’ me and if you’re going to pull this shit at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees!
[The Indians are on a plane during a thunderstorm.] Hayes: Vaughn, get the stewardess. I need one of those bags. Vaughn: There aren’t any stewardesses. Hayes: Oh! I wonder if they are any pilots.
[To Ricky, while he’s listening to "Wild Thing" on the jukebox.] Lady: Wild thing, you make my heart sing.
Heywood: How’s your wife and my kids?
Harry Doyle: In case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven’t, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.
Jake Taylor: I’m with the Indians Woman at Party: Here, in Cleveland? I didn’t know we still had a team! Jake Taylor: Yeah, we’ve got uniforms and everything. It’s really great.
[After sliding into home plate in a tux.] Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express Card. Don’t steal home without it.
Jake: That’s my wife… Willie Mays Hays: Does she know that? Jake: Well, she would’ve been if I hadn’t screwed it up… and what’s she doing with that guy? Vaughn: Want me to drag him out of here, kick the shit out of him?
Willie Mays Hayes: I’m Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes. Lou Brown: Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit.
Charlie Donovan: Vaughn’s been looking good out there today. Rachel Phelps: Don’t worry, he’ll blow it.
Board Member 1: I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime. Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime. Board Member 2: This guy here is dead. Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then.
Harry Doyle: That’s all one goddamn hit. Assistant: You can’t say goddamn on the air. Harry Doyle: Ahh, don’t worry, nobody is listening anyway.
Harry Doyle: Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.
Another one of my favorites.
Pepper Leach, Lou Brown and Charlie Donovan as the Indians players report to spring training.
Pepper: Jake Taylor? I wish we’d had him two years ago.
Charlie: We did.
Pepper: Four years ago, then.
Best Supporting Actor Daniel Stern in "Rookie of th Year". "A little help here". He plays the…ah, er, hmm. He wears a uniform and does odd jobs for the manager because when the manager was a pitcher he beaned him and he hasn’t been right since. So the manager felt obligated to give him a job. In the movie his job is to baby sit the 13 year old rookie and in the process does some of the funniest physical shtick I’ve seen in a long time.
C’mon, does no one recall the comedy stylings of "Ed"? How soon we forget…that little monkey can act. The chimp wasn’t bad either…
Come on now people. Daniel Stern was the pitching coach. Thats why Gary Busey had to work with Henry rather than someone else.
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