On Friday the Cubs signed Kerry Wood to a three year deal, and then on Saturday they did the same with Derrek Lee. In both cases, the players took a “pay cut” in 2004 and will get that money back (and then some) in 2005 and 2006. This gives the 2004 Cubs a boatload of money to carry with them into the season, in case they need to go pick the Pirates’ carcass again.

After announcing the extensions of two of their young stars, you have to forgive us for wondering if they’d call a press conference on Sunday to announce that they’ve signed Julian Martinez to a three year deal.

Oh, wait.

Who is Julian Martinez, you ask? He’s the Sammy Sosa-paid lackey who gets to wear a uniform and sit in the dugout during games. On Friday, Major League Baseball banned all guests from big league clubhouses. This includes agents, personal trainers, valets and personal toadies like Julian.

The Cubs private reaction was, “Thank God!”

Their public reaction was, “We’re going to see if there’s anything we can do to find a qualified role on the team for Julian.” Let’s just say they won’t be looking too hard.”

They have said they might try and add him to the team as an official batting practice pitcher. I thought that’s what Kent Mercker does? Now I’m confused.

Honestly, if Sammy didn’t fire Julian last year and use him as the corked bat scapegoat, then it’s official that Sammy doesn’t understand the role of a lackey. He probably doesn’t deserve to have one.

The Wood signing soothes the nerves of a lot of paranoid Cubs fans who expected to see him pitching for the Rangers or Astros next year.

Three years, $32 million for a 26 year old who led the NL in strikeouts last year? That’s a great deal. Then, couple it with the fact that at Kerry’s press conference he said, “The main thing is to play for a team that can win. I think we’re going to win for a few years now.”

It just got a little easier.

Derrek Lee hasn’t played a game for the Cubs yet and he’s already cashing big checks. This is an improvement over guys like Todd Hundley who the Cubs had to pay big checks to, just to go away.

The Cubs open the Cactus League season on Thursday against the Giants on ESPN. No, really, they do. It’s on TV and everything. That’s good, because as you can tell, until they start playing, we’re plum out of stuff to write about.


Anyway, we already knew that Jeff Kent was one of the dumbest people ever. This is the guy who once went 0-4 with three strikeouts against Jeremi Gonzalez and said, “He stinks. He’s got nothing.” Late last week, Kent sat around with some reporters and talked about how he didn’t wash his truck this year so he wouldn’t break his wrist again, and somebody asked him about steroids.

Kent said, “Babe Ruth didn’t do steroids?” he said. “How do you know? How do you (expletive) know? People are saying Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. How do you know those guys didn’t do steroids? So all of a sudden, you’ve got guys doing steroids now in the 20th century, 21st century? Come on.

“Keep going backward. Pete Rose? Who knows? Who the (expletive) knows? The problem going on right now is the fact that we all sit here and argue and bitch and moan and say guys are breaking records now that were set a long time ago. How do we know those guys were clean? Did they test those guys?”

That’s right Jeff, Babe Ruth was all ‘roided up back in the ’20s and ’30s. That’s why he was so buff.

Kent went on to say that he hopes that baseball doesn’t start testing for the drug cocktail they give HIV patients because he said the Astros can’t afford to lose 40 percent of their starting pitching rotation.

Hollywood’s finest fellated each other as they always do at their big awards party thing they throw for themselves. In what have been the most boring Oscars of all time, “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” won all eleven awards it was up for.

But that wasn’t the interesting part.

No sir. Charlize Theron, the woman that I castigated a couple months ago as a no talent hack, won the award for Best Actress. This is the second time in three years that a hot actress of limited ability (see Nicole Kidman) has won an award for having a makeup artist make them ugly. This is a trend we need to stop.

Charlize gained 30 pounds for her role as a serial killer in “Monster.” Apparently, she’s lost all the weight, and Sean Penn seems to like what he sees.

But not to be outdone, this guy seems to like the residue of the weight Renee Zellwegger gained to play Bridget Jones again.

You’ll notice that nobody got behind Sofia Coppola to look at her ass. Just think about how much money she spent to look that “pretty.” Yikes. There’s really nothing more attractive than a chicken neck, toucan honker and massive overbite is there?

Leave it the Oscars to give her a “Best Original Screenplay” award for a movie in which she admitted the best parts of were improvised by Bill Murray. Oh, well.

And, my favorite part of the night was the look on Bill Murray’s face when Sean Penn won the Oscar for Best Actor. He was pissed. That’s how it ought to be. None of this fake “oh, I’m so happy for him” stuff. You want to win, right? You ought to be mad when you don’t.

Here’s Uma Thurman live from the set of her new movie “Heidi, Two”. No, wait, she actually wore this last night. No wonder Ethan Hawke’s banging other broads.

And finally (mock applause fills the Internet) Charlize Theron apparently hooked up with the waiter at the show. How nice.


By the way, we’re only six days away from the eight best words on TV, “And now, the HBO original series, The Sopranos.”

The Cubs are trying to find a way to make Sammy think they tried to keep Julian around. Whatever.

Dusty Baker’s a big fan of The Farns.

Mike Jackson’s still alive? Really?

Whenever you see an Ozzie Guillen quote, just remember, it’s the writer’s best guess as to what Ozzie really said.

Groucho says LeBron gives the Cavs a good looking future. Gee, ya think?

Kerry will start opening day followed by Maddux, The Franchise, Clement and then Big Z. When Zambrano’s your fifth starter you are loaded.

Derrek Lee’s got more fingers. He wants more rings.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write this absolute piece of shite about Jim Hendry. Look, I like Hendry a lot, but this column is just, plain, bad.

Gee, Mike Kiley wrote about The Farns, too. What a coincidence!

Bruce Weber’s homecoming is probably worth a share of the Big Ten title.

Bruce Miles on the Cubs’ offseason pick ups.

Peter Gammons needs to cut the Prozac in half.

The Rangers and Mets are still working on a Soriano-Reyes trade.

Jon Lieber’s already hurt for the Yankees. He’s a good guy, a good pitcher, but he’s the most unathletic human on the planet. Remember when he was throwing the shutout against the Cardinals and fell off the mound and sprained his ankle?

Tubby Bernie Miklasz wonders if the Cardinals will get a new stadium just in time to suck in it.

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