In the end, the Sunday conference tournament finals didn’t mean a damn thing. Well, Maryland probably earned a higher seed, so it did to them, but Duke, Illinois, Wisconsin, Texas and Mississippi State all kept the same seed and went to the same place they were headed before they ran around for two hours and got sweaty. The only problem is that if these conference tournament finals are so meaningless, why are they charging so damn much for people to go watch them?
So now that the preliminaries are over, we get to the real thing. The NCAA Tournament starts on Thursday. OK, sure, it starts on Tuesday night with the play-in game in Dayton, but nobody gives a tinker’s damn about that, so it starts on Thursday. Got it?
Because we’re a full-service Web site, you can pick right along with us…for FREE…in our Desipio Tourney Challenge on Yahoo!
The league name is Desipio Tourney Challenge, the league number is 5299 and the password is sandwich.
I won’t tell you all of my picks, but I have Illinois going too far (I have this bad feeling they’re going to get bounced by the Murray State Racers) and my national championship game is a rematch of one that occurred on December 20.
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Before we get any farther, we still have one spot open in our 20-team Desipio League Baseball league. And yes, I know that’s redundant. It’s first come, first served, so somebody hurry up and sign up so we can run the draft, already. The league number is 247551 and the password is moran.
On Friday night, Yahoo! ran our National League Only league’s draft and the results were not that pretty for yours truly. All we do is rank the players, Yahoo! drafts for us. I won’t bore you with my entire roster. I’ll just say this.
– My pitching staff includes two stud closers (Billy Wagner and Octavio Dotel) and eight guys so bad that Reds’ manager Dave Miley called me up last night to laugh at me.
– While incredibly weak at the corners (Sausage King Simon, Conine the Barbarian, and Vinny Castilla’s mullet), my middle infield is the best you can get in the NL with Carwash King Jeff Kent, Marcus Giles and Jim Edmonds’ shower buddy Eddy Renteria.
– My DL is already full with outfielders Junior Griffey and JD Drew waiting to rest on it. Add in gritty, gutty Scott Podsednik and if healthy it’s a pretty balanced lineup. Only the “if healthy” thing is sure to elicit plenty of laughs.
I take it back, I do have one good starting pitcher, Brett Myers of the Phillies. After I found out I had him, I called Julie Swieca to see if she knew who he was. She, of course, had no idea. Again.
Any Cubs, you ask? Just the great Tom Goodwin. Oh, it’s going to be a long summer.
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On Saturday, while watching the Illini dismantle Michigan–without the concussed Roger Powell, to boot–I was struck with the feeling that Illinois could really do some damage in the NCAAs. Then, watching them sleepwalk their way through an absolutely anemic performance against Wisconsin, I snapped back to reality. The first team they run into who has some big guys who will rebound and shove the Illini’s front line around, beats them. Let’s hope it’s not Murray State. I have a feeling it’ll be Cincinnati.
I want them to get past that, because I want to see a regional semi with Illinois v. Duke. Duke is Illinois’ dream opponent and vice versa. Both have tremendous guard play and depth, but few real inside options. They might need to add a fourth digit to the scoreboard for this one. Let’s hope they’re both around to see it.
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Also on Saturday, we got the return of Chip Caray to Cubs baseball. It took me about four minutes to get back to full venom with Chippy. He’s just cloying and obvious and obnoxious, isn’t he? And, of course, he’s sick again. He must have the immune system of a newborn. I’m sure there’s a very inappropriate Craig Biggio joke I could make right now, but I’ll pass.
Sammy hit a homer in Saturday’s game, because he always hits one in the first spring training game. Carlos Zambrano started the game and in the fifth started yelling at one of the Sox hitters for overreacting to an inside pitch. Steve and Chip didn’t notice.
Steve disappointed (as he always does when paired with Simp Caray) when he and his sidekick talked about what a great, and underrated player Jose Valentin is. Even if you disagree with me that Jose’s a complete hack, the fact that Steve hasn’t realized that New Comiskey is actually easier to hit homers in than Wrigley, was disappointing. Phil Rogers even figured it out, for chrissakes.
Meanwhile, over in the radio booth, Ron was saying stuff like, “Why have I heard of this Ross Gload guy, before?” And, “My toupee glue bonds better with humidity.” Or something. It’s a rare thing when a guy can be in mid-season form in mid-March, but Ron’s all over it.
The big worry in Cubs’ camp is that both of their lefty bullpen spots are open because of injuries to Kent Mercker and Mike Remlinger. Mercker’s going to pitch this week and will likely be ready for opening day (even though he’s likely to suck) but Remlinger’s out until at least mid-April. That leaves a spot for a guy like the always sexy Jimmy Anderson or Felix Sanchez. Consider me underwhelmed.
The Cubs are likely to carry just one lefty and let Juan Cruz, Todd Wellemeyer and Sergio Meat Tray fight it out for two spots. Right now, Todd and Meat would be on the team, and Juan would be headed to Des Moines to help with spring planting.
In fact, there was a rumor that Juan is being offered around to other teams, while the Cubs look for a shorstop prospect who could be ready to play in 2005 when the Cubs are gloriously free of Alex Gonzalez and his hugemungous contract.
But why? Don’t the Cubs have Desipio’s favorite prospect set to make his AA debut at West Tenn this season? Can’t we just hold onto our pitching and wait for the much-anticipated debut of Buck Coats?!?
Sure he made 51 errors last year for the Lansing Lugnuts and sure he had an on base average higher than his slugging percentage…but he’s Buck Coats! I think you and I both know that the Buck Coatses of this world do not come along every day. He’s listed as an outfielder but he played 122 games at shortstop for Lansing. It just proves how versatile he is.
Or something.
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On Friday, the Bears received word that Kansas City did not match John Tait’s contract offer. This fills a huge hole in the Bears offensive line. OK, it doesn’t really fill the hole, it just kind of shrinks the hole. It’s still there and I’m sure large, angry men will still be able to run through it and hurt Rex Grossman. But it’s a start.
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Mike Downey knows a thing or two about naps and he says Illinois played like they needed one.
Phil Rogers thinks the Sox should trade for Ken Griffey. JUNIOR? Yeah, that’s just the kind of move the miserly south siders are likely to make. Go suckle on the Rockies some more, Phil.
Seabiscuit’s Jockey says spots are open in the bullpen.
Matt Clement showed he was in mid-season form. He gave up a few hits, gave up and got rocked. That never gets old, does it?
Groucho says the Bulls should trade for Tracy McGrady. Sounds like somebody put acid in the Tribune news room’s water cooler.
Rick Brunson is gone to make room for the always sensational Jannero Pargo. I can’t wait to hear what Red Kerr does to that guy’s name.
Greg Couch apparently watched the selection show and saw that the committee had already slotted Illinois into their fifth seed in Columbus before the title game.
Mariotti put down the doughnut to prove that he didn’t.
Even thought this trade isn’t likely, you’d have to figure that Juan Cruz isn’t long for the Cubs.
Jon Lieber’s out for the rest of the spring with a bad groin. Gee, he’s hurt? You don’t say?
Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.
Who knew China was so much like Texas? No wonder Yao Ming seems so comfortable in Houston.
Finally, proof that Guinness bubbles actually sink. I could have told them that. I could also tell that if you drink a half dozen Guinnesses one night, the next morning you’ll have a commode riding experience that you’ll never forget.
Sure, granny was just holding the drugs for somebody. Uh-huh. Sure.
America’s finest news source says that apparently, there’s a dark side to having cerebral palsy. Who knew?
OK Andy,
Your other league is now full. Draft away.
And before everyone feels sorry for Andy, my outfielders in the other league are:
Raul Mondesi
Pat Burrell
Dave Roberts
Brady Clark
Eli Marrero
not to mention such luminaries as…
Brad Ausmus
Rey Ordonez
Jobert Cabrera
Chris Stynes
Darren Oliver
Shane Reynolds
Solomon Torres
What is the point of that ridiculous draft list anyway?
Go team go!
Jay apparently didn’t put down the doughnut to watch the selection show last night.
In his tripe he calls today’s column, he claims the Illini played themselves right out of a #3 seed in Milwaukee with their poor performance against Wisconsin.
If Jay would have flipped on CBS last night, he would have heard Bob Bowlsby say that the Big Ten and Big Twelve championship games were not considered because the committee had to finish the brackets.
What no mention about the highlight of Saturday’s game?
The two hottie wives of the Cubs stud pitchers being interviewed in the booth.
Only one of the wives was hot.
I saw Buck play those 122 games at Short. He sucks.
Andy, I don’t know who got all the Cubs. The only one I boast is Reg’lar Joe, and I fear that before the year is up, his pact with Satan will come due.
I was forced to listen to the seeding announcements yesterday on 670 due to travel. Lucky me, I got to hear Score basketball "expert" Stacey King clinch the award as worst basketball expert ever, by announcing that he felt that Missouri (16-13) was a major snub by the Committee. His reasoning was "the top 65 teams in the country should be in the tournament. I’d say that, talentwise, Missouri is one of the 65 best teams". Now, never mind that due to conference tournament flukes, the top 65 teams NEVER all get into the tourney, but Missouri wasn’t even a bubble team! Utah State and Notre Dame would both go in before Mizzou. Stacey, maybe you should go back to your real area of expertise, eating Big Macs and doing impressions of Bill Cartwright.
Coach Q told the Missourian (www.digmo.com) this morning he felt the Tigers’ strength of schedule should have been enough to get them in — not realizing the loss to Belmont at home (one of five outside the Big 12) and nine more on the road was enough to keep them out.
I just got a job offer today. The Coalition Against Tanning Beds called and asked me to be their poster child.
After watching Sunday’s broadcast of the White Sox game on WGN, I forgot what was so objectionable about Chip Caray’s efforts on Saturday.
I’d rather disembowel myself with a claw hammer than listen to 9 innings of Ken Harrelson.
How about this stellar infield:
Todd Zeile
Matt Kata
Alex "The Cub" Gonzalez
Todd Zeile
Neifi Perez
and Brian Buchanan.
WOOF!
Like to know how one person ended up with Prior, Clement, Zamboni AND Pettitty.
That’s ok, I picked up Mark Koplove on waivers. We’re going places!
Check out this starting staff:
Brett Myers
Tomo Ohka
Jason Jennings
Zach Day
Jesse Foppert
Claudio Vargas
I know, you are all shaking in your shoes.
My favorite players on my team though are the great Alex Cora and Cody Ransom. Hot damn!
Alex Cora.
Did Alex Cole and Joey Cora have a kid?
BC, I’m assuming Zeile will be playing both 1st and 3rd.
I just found this priceless column which has my new favorite basketball coach, St. Joe’s Phil Martelli going off on Billy Packer. Last night he did a nice job of pointing out what a jackass Billy was on the selection show, but this is even better.
Nitpicking Packer draws Martelli’s ire
Among the highlights:
"I think he’s a complete jackass," Martelli said. "To go on national TV and talk about a team he’s never seen? He can kiss my ass. He called us out on national TV. Our strength of schedule is higher than some of the other number ones. That [selection] committee goes in the room and studies everything, and now he’s smarter than the committee? He can kiss my ass."
"He called us out, and it’s enough," Martelli said of Packer. "His agenda is big schools, big schools, big schools."
But Phil’s only half right. Billy’s agenda’s not just big schools, it’s big school coaches. Packer will stop at nothing to kiss up to guys like Roy Williams, the Polish Johnny Cash (that’s not catching on, is it?), Bob Knight, etc. You watch, if Martelli got the St. John’s job, Packer would come a puckerin’.
Assclown.
Did you realize that according to the fine folks that put together that Yahoo! draft list, the Cubs have the 913th ranked player (they only rank 917) as one of their starting catchers?
To save you the trouble of doing the math…30 MLB teams X 25 players per team = 750.
Our buddy Bako is only "better" than Willie Harris, Jeff Duncan, Henry Blanco and Nick Bierbrodt.
Blanco is probably the only catcher in the majors who is actually a worse hitter than Bako.
Exactly how many times has Billy Packer seen St. Joe’s play?
Don’t forget baseball fans that Jim will be handling the play-by-play duties for the AA Montgomery Biscuits! Really is there a better place for a lonely, geeky, white guy to spend a summer than Montgomery, Alabama? I didn’t think so.
Sorry, but in my Assclown Final Four, Phil Martelli makes it over Billy Packer AND Bobby Knight, which is saying something.
Remember a few years back when the stadium employee got in troulbel for playing Whitesnake music when Chuck Finley was warming up before the game? How cool would it be if some intern on his last day of employment popped in a clip of that Japanese porn tape on the Jumbotron when the Indians and Kaz Tadano are out for BP.
"When the Indians and Kaz Tadanao are OUT for BP."
I think the tape already outed him, Dave.
Desipio Assclown Sweet Sixteen
The bracket is out:
1) Chip Caray
16) Ozzie Guillen
8) Steve Bartman
9) Joe Buck
5) Phil Rogers
12) Jim Tocco
4) Mike Murphy
13) Thom Brennaman
6) Jim Edmonds
11) Brent Musberger
3) Billy Packer
14) Kenny Williams
7) Bob Knight
10) Stu Scott
2) Jay Mariotti
15) Rob Neyer
There are no winners.
I am eligible to play both 1st and 3rd, but the bigger problem is my owner is an idiot who has problems typing a simple list. Ty Wigginton is the third baseman on my team.
WOOF!
Last four out: Steve Kline, Scott Boras, Clettitte, Moran Guy
Assclown Cinderella watch: Thom Brennamen. That silent H could really sneak up on some people
How did I get snubbed?
Me gone?
Is there an Assclown NIT?
I agree with most of Andy’s picks for the bracket, but I have to pose some minor disagreements.
First off, I agree with the top three, but I would put Bobby Knight at 4 and Joe Buck at 5. That would be a huge second round matchup for arrogance just by itself. Also, living in downstate Illinois I get to see some of the St. Louis-local commercials where Buck is hawking crappy stuff almost as often as Knight is now down in Lubbock. Stu Scott should be higher as well, at #7 just behind Edmonds at #6. This means such a high-lister as Phil Rogers is down to #8, which would be an interesting matchup with the most moronic fan in the history of baseball, Steve Bartman, at #9.
Brennaman should be at #10 after the 2003 NLCS, meaning an interesting announcer battle between Brennaman and Scott. Cool as the other side of the phillow. (Mis-spelled intentionally.)
The only two people in Andy’s list I would not have in would be Ozzie Guillen and Brent Musberger.
Jack McKeon should be in at #15, and Bill Walton should be in at #16. Although, if you wanted a play-in game in this bracket as well, you could have Tim McCarver and Walton battle it out for the right to play Caray.
Yes, I put too much thought into this.
Nice work by all on the brackets.
I expect a full 65 in tomorrow’s dose. If it’s not there, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I’d kick Bartman’s ass in the Ass Clown fan bracket.
Did I retire?
BC,
I deserve more than a play-in game! I’m the biggest assclown in hissssstory!
I’m in an assclown league of my own.
Self-consciousness exists in and for itself when, and by the fact that, it so exists for another; that is, it exists only in being acknowledged by free online poker