The big moment is almost here. You’re probably checking your watch every few minutes. You’re probably pacing around the office. You’re probably already starting to sweat.
And why not, because the biggest sports moment in these parts since the Cubs spit the bit in game seven is upon us!
Yes! We’re down to the Final Four on ESPN’s Dream Job!
Blecch.
Because we also own and operate the fabulously successful Desipio TV (DirecTV channel 1206), we get a copy of the weekly Neilson Ratings. Check out last week’s.
TOP RATED SHOWS (1-1240)
1. CBS — CSI:, Wednesday night (special)
2. CBS — Survivor: All Star, Wednesday night (special)
3. NBC — Friends, Thursday night
4. NBC — ER, Thursday night
…
1230. PAX-TV — Jim Nabors sings old Negro spirituals in the nude, Sunday night
1231. Discovery — Celebrity Autopsy: Marge Schott, Monday night
1232. Oxygen — Sex Talk with Susan Jacobson, Sunday night
1233. Fox Sports Net Cracker — The Mike Krzyzewski Show, Wednesday night
1234. Desipio TV — Jergens Presents: Karry Ling, Pantsless!, Monday night
1235. ESPN — Dream Job, Sunday night
1236. NBC — Whoopi, Monday night
Man, the world just can’t enough Dream Job, can it?
ESPN claims that there’s a lot of water cooler buzz about the show. But the only water cooler buzz is in Bristol, Connecticut.
ESPN employee #1: “I’d like to take those Dream Job idiots and set them on fire and then beat the fire out with a two-by-four with a rusty nail sticking out of it.”
ESPN employee #2: “I’d rather nail my scrotum to a moving golf cart than watch them tape that show.”
Just remember, there are no winners here.
By the way, have you ever seen that Sex Talk with Susan Jacobson show on Oxygen? It’s real. And, it’s the most uncomfortable 60 minutes of TV on the planet. You owe it to yourself to watch this thing at least once. It’s this craggy old lady who takes phone calls from sexually frustrated mopes from around the country. She even has a (pardon the language here but it is what it is) a dildo that she keeps on the desk and she uses it as a visual aid. It’s hysterical and frightening at the same time. The worst part about the show…they kept me on hold for 42 minutes!
Oh, I kill me.
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The real, big, sporting event of the weekend is the Cubs-Padres spring training game on Saturday night on Fox Sports Chicago! OK, maybe not. It’s the Illini-Duke tonight on CBS. Here’s why I hate it when Lent falls during the NCAAs. Normally, for a big late night game I’d wait until about 8:30 then order a huge pepperoni pizza, then watch the game, eat the whole pizza and drink a 12 pack of Guinness while throwing sofa cushions at the TV.
Instead, the pepperoni’s out, so I’m going to see if I can eat my body weight in Filet-o-Fish sandwiches tonight. Wish me luck!
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You know, you should probably never start a sentence with “The pepperoni’s out…” should you? Nah. At least not in any publication that doesn’t have Fabio on the cover.
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The Cubs ended the Juan Cruz Hostage Crisis yesterday by extradicting him to Atlanta for pitcher Andy Pratt and infielder Richard Lewis. This is a good trade for the Cubs in that they move Juan before a third inspection of his birth certificate proves that he is, indeed, 37 years old. But Pratt is a major league ready lefty for the bullpen, and the Cubs just don’t have any of those. As for Lewis, Jim Hendry damned him with feint praise by comparing him to Mark Grudzielanek and then saying “Lewis was a supplemental first round pick in ’91.” Actually, it was ’01, if it was ’91 he and Albert Pujols and Juan could all sit around and have a good laugh about their ages.
What we know about Pratt is that his dad is the Cubs’ Daytona (Class A) pitching coach, that Andy combs his hair, writes and throws a baseball with his left hand, and that his teeth would make a British citizen proud. Woof. Not a lot to go on there.
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If Phil Rogers has such a chubby for Scott McClain, maybe he can drive him to Des Moines?
The Franchise is bored.
Oh, my! What will the Cubs do without Jose Macias? Aaaaahhhh!
Rick Morrissey whines that the Polish Johnny Cash is whiny.
The Illini ain’t scared.
Roger Powell sums up his game by saying, “I think I’m taller than I am.”
Dream Job sucks ass.
Moron Dream Job.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to hype Illinois-Duke.
Ugy and Pudge can make out again! Great?
Atlanta’s take on the Cruz take. Whatever.
Wait, you mean Kevin O’Neill is an ass? Who DIDN’T know that?
Wait, somebody needs to tell this guy that Illinois can’t actually beat Duke. Right? I mean, that’s what Jake said.
If Gene Keady goes to coach the Dons, I hope they get him a Queer Eye makeover when he gets to San Francisco.
The Braves just traded Jung Bong and Bubba Nelson to Cincinnati for Chris Reitsma. Do you know how much fun we could have had with the name Jung Bong? Damnit!
Check out the sidebar, the Astros traded for Mike Lamb! Yes! Finally Jimy Williams has a no-talent, no-hit, hack to run out there at third base half the time! Whoo hoo!
Another reason to hate frat boys.
America’s finest news source says that a Kentucky man planned all week for his rematch with that damned mechanical bull.
"Do you know how much fun we could have had with the name Jung Bong? Damnit!"
Play the Cypress Hill. He’s coming to CINCY!!!!!
Bring out the old 4-foot Graffix that was originally purchased at Cool Stuff at Lincoln and 2nd St. in DeKalb in ’93, brush it off, load it up, and, on the 5th of April, go to town as you, and your beloved team, can get multiple hits from a bong.
?
What happened to me?
An ode to my favorite new Reds pitcher, with apologies to Cypress Hill:
Hit off Jung Bong
You can Pick it
can you smack it
Batter up, come along
And get a hit off of Jung Bong
Put the rosin down
Just for a second
Check his windup
It’s not a new method
Inhale
Exhale
Just got my check from McFail
I like the heater or a big fat curve
But da big Jung Bong
Is throwin’ dat slurve
Getwiddit
Yo swing has got holes in it
It looks like shit when you miss it
Still it
Looks real smooth when you get a clean hit
Off the wall of the creepin’ green shit
Sing my song
Hack all night long
As I get hits offa Jung Bong
Hits offa Jung Bong y’all
Hits from Jung Bong
Gonna get high
Hits from the Bong
Gonna get high….
Bravo, Sloth.
Do you think Gary Pressey can keep up with the beat, so we can hear it at the park?
The title of the show where Jim Nabors sings negro spirituals in the nude is technically "Swing Low" (wink,wink) and it’s a damn fine program but just can’t compete with Cold Case on CBS.
The pepperoni’s out….
Don’t let some bogus directive from some crooked ass Pope whose family were fishermen keep you from enjoying your usual Illini Orange repast of Pepperoni Pizza…
…what IF the Illini lose tonight, ’cause YOU ate scrod instead of pizza? You’ll never live it down…
Can I just say that the thought of a nude sloth anywhere near me and my beloved Bonnie just makes me queasy.
I’m on the phone with JPII trying to get dispensation for Illini Nation as we speak. I think he’s going for it. He just yelled something that sounded like Oskee Owww Wow into the phone.
Or, it could be they’re breaking in new altar boys at the Vatican.
Man, I’m going to Hell, aren’t I?
Aww….. Poor Andy stuck with a Fishy Happy Meal during the En See Two Ays.
Here’s some kosher corned beef in your Eye Ell Ell!
(Which spells "ill" — As in how watching Illinois basketball makes me feel)
One little, two little, three little indians….
Andy, do you know your archive links are dead?
Religion is an illusion of childhood, outgrown under proper education. by online poker