Everybody from George Ofman to Jack McDowell to Matt Morris has chimed in on the Mark Prior injury. Ofman contends the Cubs are “lying” to everybody and that The Franchise has a serious arm injury that will disclosed post haste. McDowell claims that Prior is a steroid freak and his muscles have outgrown the tendons putting too much strain on them. Morris was busy falling down the stairs of a hotel again and his complaints were muffled by the shag carpet in his mouth.
What do we know about all three of these assclowns?
We know they should all shut the f@#$ up. That’s what. Right Moran guy?
So here at Desipio, we spared no expense in bringing you information from one of the foremost medical authorities in the world, Dr. Nick Riviera.
Dr. Riviera: “Hi everybody!”
OK, not really. I’m sure I could write about nine paragraphs of relatively unfunny Simpsons ripoff schtick, but I’ll leave that to the hilarious nitwits on ESPN’s Page 2 and 3. Oh, they’re brilliant, aren’t they?
First off, one of our intrepid readers forwarded me a testy little e-mail exchange he had with the creepy little Ofman yesterday. The intrepid reader asked that I not publish the exchange but I think this re-enactment will capture the general tone of the exchange.
Intrepid Reader: George, you pin-headed douchebag, how can you say, as you did in your 11 a.m. update, that Prior will be out until mid-July? Do you have proof or are you just making crap up?
Pinheaded Douchebag:Who needs proof! I’m on the Score! The Cubs are lying to you. LYING! You should hate them for lying to reporters! Who lies to reporters? Reporters are your friends! Prior’s arm is going to fall off and it’s the Cubs fault because they lied! Oh, and Mike Kiley is a Tribune company kiss-ass even though he writes for the Sun-Times!
Intrepid Reader: So the doctors who were on hand to brief the media about Prior’s test results are lying? So Prior is lying? So the Cubs are all lying? And to what end? Do they need to sell more tickets…oh, wait, the tickets are all sold!
Pinheaded Douchebag: Shut up! I’m right! Now, if you don’t mind, I have to go practice the nervous, fake laugh that I use when Boers and North make fun of me.
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Honestly, the real thing wasn’t much different than that. But if you want to know whether you should ever trust anything you hear from George, well, just look at him. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.
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And check out his shite from Jack McDowell.
”He has a tendon injury that’s not healing,” said Jack McDowell, former Cy Young winner for the White Sox. ”You shouldn’t have a problem like that that doesn’t heal in a month. That’s what happens to guys who use steroids.”
What would McDowell know about steroids? Here’s a guy who weighed like 140 pounds his entire career? He’s best known for always looking like he just stumbled off Willie Nelson’s bus and for flipping off Yankees fans (not that that’s a bad thing.)
Why can’t people like McDowell, and Jim Palmer and Joe Morgan just shut the hell up? They don’t know who used steroids, yet they feel the need to voice their opinion on the subject anyway. It’s like somebody cloned Skip Bayless and set the little Skippies loose all over the country. Just make it stop.
Now it’s time for some intelligent, thoughtful, insightful stuff, from me. Kick back, relax and luxuriate in the the well-thought out opinions about to be expressed.
– Albert Pujols is really old!
– Chip Caray’s a geek!
– Sox fans all look like these guys!
There, is it so hard?
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Am I the only guy who thinks that Oakland A’s pitcher Tim Hudson is Survivor Colby without any hair?
That’s still not as good as the Jason Schwartzman/Paul LoDuca one.
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E-Ramis likes it in Chicago. And you know what, E-Ramis…we like having you, buddy.
Woody brings up my point from yesterday about how the SI cover jinx doesn’t seem to work on good players.
The Bears are getting a big Reuben. I like Reubens too. But easy on the kraut.
Somebody has to say it. Sean Dockery sucks.
Paul Hornung, football legend, or racist gasbag? Probably both.
Sometimes I forget Chicago has another team.
What is Phil Rogers’ point here in this Damaso Marte story? Are we all racist gasbags and that’s why we don’t like Marte? You want to make him popular? Put him on the team eight miles north. They’ll name a cereal after him.
I have one way to make the sports section better. Fire Chris DeLuca. This column is epically bad.
The Cubs will not be forfeiting the games they have before The Franchise comes back. Who knew?
Hey Jack! Looks like Nomar’s on the juice, too!
Apparently, the Dominican Republic likes baseball! You don’t say!
Spanish-yes.com’s Albert Chen on the Cubs. Try not to laugh.
Daniel Habib on the White Sox. Try not to cry.
Because apparently this is important, Slate.com breaks down the new baseball uniforms.
America’s finest news source with a story about a fool proof jobs plan.
Good dose, Andy. That DeLuca reference was spot-on. I actually fired off this e-mail to the paper after I read 1/2 of that crap this morning, before reading today’s dose:
From: huecub@yahoo.com
To: inbox@suntimes.com
Subject: What Would I do? Re: today’s Deluca article
I would take away the press credentials from lame journalism students who try to pass off tired, hackneyed pap as original thought.
Stamp out Steroids? Whoa, THAT’S cutting edge, dude.
Whoa George….Can we rent out your fivehead to show movies on? It’s twice as big as the screen we have now….. let us know. Opening day is tomorrow.
So, what you are saying is that I should read DeLuca’s article and then make every one of my articles from now on opposite of his article???
That should be pretty easy.
No, Brian,
Maybe what you should do is have an original thought every once in awhile and not just fill space with an article I’ve read at least five times each season since 1981.
If the Sun-Times can’t present new information or at least present existing information in a way that might spawn an original idea, they should instead use the page and ink to run wire copy.
Ofman has got the biggest, most fucked-up-looking, mutated head this side of Jason Kidd’s son…
Dr. Jack McDowell forgot to mention that careers can also be cut short if you’re a pot-smoking pitcher who also plays in a quasi-grunge band. Jerk-off.
I have a confession to make.
I used to be a big, big fan of Boers and Bernstein.
They have changed, they have gotten haughtier, more superior and more bitter.
That doesn’t make for good radio.
I will never listen to the Score, Mike Murphy’s silly ass, or George Ofman’s fivehead ever again.
670 AM is dead to me, and it should be to you, too.
Aw c’mon Sloth, not even the Me and Z show?
Hell yes, kiddies:
http://www.geocities.com/mnussitch/gossip.html
A-List update!
Sloth, I agree 100%. Those two clowns think they can do, say, or think no wrong. I just spent my first "Score-free workday" in over two years, and I think I can keep it up. However, a friend just e-mailed me and said that the White Sucks got Junior Griffey for Mr. Julie Sweica and Neal Cotts. Any truth?
Dave B– that sounds a little "April Foolsy" to me, thought, I hope it’s true because Junior’s got nuthin’ left. Though what the Reds would do with Mr. Sweica I’m not sure. They could use Cotts though, who the Sox will trade just before he gets good.
However, if you are in the NL Only Desipio League and I offer Junior to you, just remember, I’m a dope and he’ll probably hit 40 homers this year.
Or something.
http://www.geocities.com/mnussitch/gossip.html
Read what they say about us! OK, at least half of us. And I don’t believe a word of it about Lynda Carter.
She’s got some very nice things to say about me though.
http://www.geocities.com/mnussitch/gossip.html
The A list is dead on with Roger Clemens but I pray the Scott Glenn hot tub thing is wrong. Either way, I don’t feel so good.
OMG!!! The last four hours of my life were sucked away from the A-list!
Simply the best website of all time!
Sorry, Andy…
It is the customary fate of new truths to begin as heresies and to end as superstitions. by texas holdem